


Fix Me, I'm Broken

by Fangirling_FTW



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bartender Dean, Bottom Cas, Bottom Dean, College Student Castiel, Dean Hates Flying, Dean is a Good Friend, Demisexual Castiel, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Happy Ending, I promise, M/M, Mental Instability, Minor Character Death, NOT Cas Dean or Sam, Oblivious Castiel, Pansexual Dean, Pining, Singer Dean, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Top Cas, Top Dean, mentioned past abuse, mild marking, will post warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-05-03 12:49:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 162,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5291492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirling_FTW/pseuds/Fangirling_FTW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is finally about to finish his degree and graduate from college.  His roommate, Sam, has an older brother who just needs a temporary place to stay for a while.  Now Castiel has to deal with Dean, a free spirited playboy who couldn't be more different than Castiel.   In his attempt to fix the relationship between the two brothers, Castiel discovers something about himself: maybe they aren't the only ones who need to be fixed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One- Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> Work in progress, can't make any promises about how fast chapters will go up, and I'll probably have to make some changes to posted chapters as I go. Come on this journey with me, let's see where it goes!
> 
> As always, your Kudos are appreciated. And leave me some comments, let me know if anything needs changing or improving, I'll answer every single one!

Yes, it rained a lot in Florida, and Cas grew up here so he knew that, but it didn't mean he was any less pissed when the first few drops started to fall.  He'd missed the last bus, and now he was stuck trying to use his body to cover the library books in his arms as he scuttled under the covered bus stop.  He was pushing himself a little hard this semester, but he was on his fifth year in college, and he was eager to finally be done.  Most of his classes for his Business Management major were finished, but his minor in history was taking a little longer than he expected.  It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy it, he liked the classroom environment, and he enjoyed learning.  Tonight had been a particularly good night for his studying, and he’d lost track of time at the library, lost in the book he was reading he forgot to check the time and missed his bus.

“Fucking weather,” he muttered darkly as he managed to dig his phone out of his pocket, hoping his roommate would be able to give him a ride home.  It was mid January, but it was mild weather for that time of year, and a hoodie was all Cas really needed to stay warm.  Of course, that was before the rain started falling, but he reasoned rain was better than snow.  At least it wasn't raining terribly hard yet, just enough to be annoying.  As he rearranged his belongings to dial his phone one handed, he felt the books start slipping from his hands as he huddled under the insufficient cover of the bus stop.  He had resigned himself to dropping his phone in favor of rescuing the books when someone walked up and helped steady them.

“Hands a bit full, don't you think,” the man said.  He was taller than Cas, which didn't happen too often, but his roommate was 6’4”, and this man didn't quite hit that height, so he wasn't much impressed.

“Got a lot of work to do,” Cas mumbled, adjusting the books in his left arm so they were a bit more secure.

“Apparently.”  He looked up at the man who was standing a bit closer to him than Cas would have liked.  His shoulders were well built, buried underneath a leather jacket, and his hair was a dark blonde, almost brown, short and spiked, his hair and his face glistening with rain water.  “You need a ride somewhere?” he asked with a smirk, a flirtatious shine in his green eyes.  Cas waved the hand holding his phone, dismissively brushing off the man, trying to unlock his phone without dropping it in the growing puddle at his feet.

“No, I'll give my roommate a call,” he said, managing to get his phone unlocked.  He took a step back from the stranger, who was leaning on the side of the shelter, just watching him with an amused look on his face.  Cas felt oddly exposed.  His hair was damp, sticking to his forehead in clumps, and his button up shirt was damp and clinging to him uncomfortably, but this guy was raking over him with his eyes in an obviously attracted way, and Cas wasn’t used to it at all, from guys or girls.  Cas usually prided himself with being the quiet guy in the back of the room that no one noticed, and being singled out by this guy was unnerving.

“So you’re just going to wait here in the rain,” the man said, a cocky smile still on his face.  Cas huffed a sigh, pausing just long enough to look up at the guy angrily before turning back to his phone.

“Taking a ride home with a stranger doesn't seem like a much better idea,” he snapped, starting to get annoyed.

“Oh, I forget how dangerous I am, probably a good idea not to let me take you home.”  The man’s voice was deep and still mildly flirtatious, and he raised an eyebrow at Cas, and if Cas were either a woman, or he reasoned an interested man, he was sure he would be swooning at this point.  Cas was neither of those, and he rolled his eyes at the blatant come on, not even looking up from his phone as he pulled up his roommate’s contact, hitting the phone icon to call him.  

“Sorry, not interested,” he said frankly, holding the phone up to his ear.

“Fair enough,” the man said with a shrug, though Cas caught his disappointment out of the corner of his eye.  His roommate’s phone went to voicemail and he sighed, hanging up and waiting to try again in a few minutes.  Cas and the man both turned their backs to the front of the shelter as the wind kicked up and gusted some rain under the meager roof.  There was a flurry of movement, and the man removed his leather jacket, draping it over Cas’ belongings, and left shoulder, to shield him and his books from the rain blowing under the shelter.  Cas froze, blinking confusedly at the complete stranger who had just leant him his jacket without asking.  The jacket smelled like tobacco, motor oil, and Cas had no other way to describe it other than it smelled like ‘man’.  Not in a bad way, just that sort of musky, masculine smell.

“You don't need to-” Cas started, moving to shrug off the jacket.

“Don't worry about it, I'll live.  Those books need it more than I do.”  He smiled, and it gave his green eyes a mischievous glint.  “Besides, I was a wet t-shirt contest champion,” he added with a slick wink, flexing his shoulders slightly.  Again, Cas felt his eyes roll, laughing at his poor attempts at flirting with Cas.  The stray water drops had soaked most of the man’s shoulders already, and Cas felt a little guilty about taking the jacket, but had to admit he was relieved the library books were covered.  Not to mention he felt he deserved something for dealing with this guy’s overconfidence.  Cas looked back down at his phone, which was now wet and not reading his thumb as he attempted to unlock it again.  “You're sure about that ride?” the man asked again, some of the innuendo still lingering in his voice, but the words had turned sincere.  Cas nodded, ignoring the flirting yet again, and feeling very sure he didn't need a ride from this guy that couldn’t take a hint.

“Yeah, I'll get a hold of my roommate in a few minutes.”  The man shrugged.

“Alright, in that case, I'll at least wait till they get here, or till the rain stops.  Keep you company-”  

“Does this really work for you?” Cas asked suddenly, without hesitation.  The man just stared at him, confused.

“Does what work for me?” he asked slowly.

“This overbearing, incessant amount of come ons that you keep layering on top of each other,” Cas gestured at him, and he just stared back slightly open mouthed.  “Because it’s really starting to get annoying.”  He stared wide eyed at Cas, mouth slightly agape, and for a moment, Cas wondered if he’d really offended the guy, but the man ran his hand over the back of his neck, chuckling softly.

“Hey, sorry, man.  Don’t realize I’m doing it half the time,” he sighed, taking a step back from Cas and giving him some space.  

“Normally, I couldn’t care less, it’s just that right now with the weather, I’m a bit aggravated.”  The man blushed, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Okay, yeah, sorry.”  He looked up sheepishly.  “In all honesty, would you mind telling me how to get to the Amber Lakes apartments?  I’ll get out of your hair after that.”  Cas blinked, staring at the man in disbelief.  Of course he'd be headed to the same complex Cas lived in, maybe he just should just get a ride home… Cas pulled up his text messages and decided to text his roommate instead of calling him as the man continued with his explanation.  “I'm moving in with my brother for a bit, get my feet under me.  And it's hard to read city maps while driving, so I got this far and got stuck.”  Cas felt the flush on his cheeks, his thumb pausing over his phone keyboard.   _No fucking way_.

“What's your brother’s name?” he asked quietly, hoping against hope he was wrong.

“Sam Winchester.  He’s just a sophomore, you seem a bit older than him, so I don't know if you-”  Cas just started laughing, this whole thing was surreal, straight out of a crappy romantic comedy.

“Of course, that's just too fucking perfect,” he sighed.  

“Um, you know him?” the man asked, slightly surprised.

“He's my roommate,” Cas said simply.  It was the man’s turn to be confused for a moment, then he laughed along with him.

“Well, isn't that kismet?  So I bet that makes you Cas?”

“And I'm assuming you're Dean?”  

“Yeah, that's me.”  He ran a hand over his face and through his hair to get rid of the excess water.  “Sorry about all this, I uh… man, am I fucking embarrassed now,” Dean laughed.

“It’s alright,” Cas said, dropping his phone back in his pocket.  “I tend to be a bit blunt and to the point.”

“I can see that,” Dean chuckled.  

“But you were being a bit overbearing,” Cas added.  Dean held up his hands in mock defense.

“Alright, point taken, I promise never to hit on you again.”  The wind gusted, throwing more rain at them and Cas huddled into Dean’s jacket.  

“I guess I’ll take that ride home with a stranger after all,” Cas sighed, figuring at this point Sam must either be out or sleeping.  

“I'll pull the car around,” Dean said with a smile.  He tried to hand Dean back his jacket, but Dean wouldn't take it.

“Nah, hang onto it, I'll be right back.”  He took off at a jog into the parking lot, and Cas only had to wait for a few minutes before a sleek, black, muscle car pulled up to the bus stop.  He darted for the door Dean had leaned over and unlocked for him, climbing inside as quickly as he could, the library books spilling across the front seat of the car.

“Sorry,” Cas muttered, gathering them up.  Dean shook his head.

“It’s all good.  So, which way?” he asked.  Cas buckled up and pointed out of the rain soaked window.  

“Turn right out of the parking lot and then the next right,” Cas said.  He startled slightly when the car pulled away, the purr of the engine deeper than he expected, vibrating up through the floor and into his feet.  Dean smirked.

“Cas, meet Baby, my 1967 Chevy Impala,” Dean said proudly.  Cas relaxed slightly as he got used to the loud car, not saying much outside giving Dean directions to their apartment, and after the 20 minute drive that felt much longer than normal, they were pulling up to Cas’ building.  He let Dean help him with the books, and led Dean up the steps to his door, unlocking it and letting them in.

“Sam?” Cas called, not so loud he’d wake him if he was sleeping, but loud enough he’d be heard if he was up.  

“Yeah?” Sam answered from his room.  He generally left the door open all the time, and so did Cas, though with a new roommate that was probably going to change.

“I found something that belongs to you at the library,” he called back, taking his books from Dean and walking into his bedroom.  He had managed to earn himself the master bedroom when he and Sam had moved into this three bedroom apartment, mostly because Sam had more friends, and therefor more use for the living room, whereas Cas usually kept to himself, a small TV in his bedroom all he really needed.  He heard Sam’s steps coming from the back of the apartment.

“Dean!?” he said, laughing slightly.

“Heya, Sammy,” Dean answered.  Cas walked back out in the living room in time to see the brothers embrace briefly.

“I thought you hated being called Sammy,” Cas pointed out, walking past them to the kitchen to get something to drink.  Sam shrugged.

“Dean’s the exception to the rule, I guess,” he laughed.  “You guys are both soaked, did you get caught in the rain?” he asked.

“I missed the last bus, and Dean got lost.  He found me in the library parking lot.“  

“I didn’t get lost, I just had to make a pit stop,” Dean said indignantly.  Sam laughed.

“So, this worked out nicely, you two have already met.”  Cas met Dean’s gaze, who flushed slightly.

“Yes, and I believe you now, what you said about Dean being too flirtatious for his own good,” Cas said, pouring a can of Sprite over a cup of ice and adding two shots of orange vodka.  Dean gave Cas a betrayed look as Sam scoffed at him.

“What?  Dean, come on, you’ve been here for five minutes and you’ve already hit on my roommate?!” Sam sighed.  Dean shrugged.

“If it makes you feel any better, he called me out on it and put me in my place,” Dean muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets.  Cas had already started tuning out their conversation, making his way back to his room.

“Dean, this isn’t why I’m letting you stay here, for you to just fall back in your same patterns again-”

“Come on, Sam, I just got here can’t you lay off that crap?!”  Cas stepped into his room and closed the door, somewhat muting the sound of the brothers bickering.  The books were mostly dry still, thanks to Dean’s coat, which Cas had draped over the couch in the living room.  He stripped out of his damp clothes, pulling on sweatpants but staying shirtless, which is how he almost always slept, and crawling into bed, plugging in his phone before pulling up his Skype app.  He pulled up his sister’s contact and dialed, and in a few rings Anna’s kind face came into view on his phone.

“Hey, Castiel, it’s kind of late,” she said, frowning at him slightly.  Her red hair was done up in her bedtime knot on top of her head, and her makeup was already removed.  Immediately Cas started to feel better, without even realizing he was feeling off in the first place.  He and his siblings had been taken by child services from his mother quite early on in Cas’ life, and luckily for him, he’d never been separated from his sister Anna.  She was his one constant in life, and the one person he could talk to about everything, so when Dean arrived to change up his life, he knew he needed to talk to her.

“Yeah, sorry.  I would have waited until tomorrow it’s just… Sam’s brother arrived today.”  She smiled, settling in to talk to her baby brother.

“This Dean guy you mentioned last week?”

“Yeah, he arrived tonight, kind of unexpectedly.”  

“So?  What’s he like?” she asked.  Cas huffed a sigh.

“Flirtatious, cocky, he drives a muscle car…”  Cas heard the voices in the living room come closer, making their way down the hallway, where Sam was showing Dean the spare bedroom..  “Sam and him are so different, it’s strange.  He’s all bluster and loud, where Sam is soft and calm.”

“You think you can handle living with someone like that?” she asked gently.  Cas shrugged.

“I’m sure I’ll get used to it.  Besides, from what I understand it’s not permanent.”  He paused, and could feel his brow furrowing.

“What’s on your mind?” his sister asked.  Cas thought about it for a moment before answering.

“I’m not sure.  Sam always talks about his brother with such fondness and the moment Dean arrived they started arguing.  It just… wasn’t what I expected.”

“Wow, like seriously arguing?”

“More like nagging at one another.  Sam said he hadn’t seen Dean in a very long time, so for them to start in like this right away…”

“Maybe it’s just how they are around each other,” Anna suggests, and Cas shrugs.

“Sam gets along so well with everyone, but I guess everyone is different around family.”  Anna laughed softly, a sparkle in her eye.

“Their arguing remind you of someone you know?” she asked softly.  Cas sighed, knowing she was talking about his older brother, Gabriel.  There were a few years when his brother had been fostered out to another family, but they had always stayed in contact, meeting up again once Gabriel had turned 18.  Since then the three had been inseparable, but Gabriel’s personality contrasted so much with Castiel’s it was hard to tell they were brothers sometimes.

“Gabriel purposefully gets on my nerves, he doesn’t even try to be civil when he’s around me,” Cas muttered, “even though I have no idea what I ever did to him.”  Anna laughed.

“It’s only because it’s so easy for him to get under your skin, Cas.  He does it on purpose.”  Cas sighed, looking at the wall and listening to one of his roommates getting in the shower.  “Are you going to be okay?” Anna asked again.  “Rooming with Sam was a big deal for you, you think you’ll be alright living with his brother, too?”  Cas shrugged.

“I think so.  I’m going to be so busy with school leading up to my semester abroad next fall, I’m hopefully not going to notice much of a change.”

“Alright, Castiel,” she sighed, “I’m going to bed now, alright?  Talk to you later,” she said, blowing him a kiss through the camera.  He smiled warmly.

“Good night, Anna,” he said, hanging up the Skype call.  He hears a soft knock on his door.  “Come in,” he calls, setting his phone down on his bedside table.

“Hey, Cas,” Sam pokes his head in the door, changed into his sleep pants and an old t-shirt, “you got a moment?”  Dean must be in the shower.

“Yeah, come in, Sam.”  Sam walks in and partially closes Cas’ door behind him.

“Thanks again for letting Dean stay with us.  He’ll never admit it, but he had nowhere else to go.”  He scuffed his foot into Cas’ carpet, looking down embarrassed.  “I know Dean’s behavior isn’t the best, he’s loud and obnoxious and you’re pretty quiet-”

“If you’re referring to him coming onto me, it’s fine, Sam.  I simply told your brother I wasn’t interested and he stopped.”  Sam chuckled.

“I would have loved to have seen that,” he sighed, “someone putting Dean in his place.”  Cas shrugged.

“Does your brother always try to sleep with every person he comes across?” he asked.  Sam thought about that for a moment.

“Yeah, kinda.  I mean, he’s never really gotten attached, so he’s never really had reason not to bounce around.”

“Is he exclusively gay, or does he sleep with women also?”  Sam turned a bright shade of red, but over the last six months he’d gotten used to Cas’ blunt way of asking about things.  

“Dude, Cas, my brother’s sex life isn’t exactly what I came to talk to you about,” he mumbled with a laugh.

“Sorry, I was just curious what kind of company he might have over while living with us,” Cas said matter of factly.  He didn’t understand why Sam was getting so embarrassed by this conversation.  Sam shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest.

“He’s bi, as far as I know.  And that’s as far as I want to know,” Sam took a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut.  “I mean it Cas, thanks for giving him a place to get back on his feet, even if he’s not the best roommate.”  Cas smiled.

“It’s no problem, Sam.  I figure I’m going to have to live with a complete stranger in a completely new country in less than a year, I’ll use your brother as practice.”  Sam smiled.

“Silver lining, I guess.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said as Sam turned to leave his room, but just as Sam was about to open his door, Dean stuck his head in from the other side.

“Hey, Sam, you got a spare toothbrush?  I can’t find mine,” he smiled, a big goofy grin, and Sam rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, hang on.  And knock before coming in Cas’ room next time, alright?  It’s bad enough you just barge in on me…”

“I’m sorry, was I interrupting something?” Dean said sarcastically.  Their banter continued after Sam closed the door behind him, leaving Cas sitting in bed bemused.  He turned off his light, settling in under the covers to get some sleep.

 

Over the next week, Cas goes about his daily routine without much change, in fact, he hardly saw Dean at all for those first seven days.  Sam goes for runs before the sun comes up every day just like always, and by the time he gets back from his run Cas is usually on his way to class.  Dean was always asleep when Cas left in the morning, and when he got back to the apartment for dinner, he was usually out either partying or looking for a job.  Sam seemed slightly more irritated than usual, but other than that there were no changes Cas noticed in their living arrangements.  

Exactly one week after Dean moved in, Cas was sitting at his desk, working on a reading assignment for his philosophy class, when Dean loudly stomped into the apartment from being out all day.  Cas’ door was cracked, not quite closed all the way, and Sam was in the living room playing something on his Playstation.  Cas glanced at his phone, realizing it was about 9:30pm, and quite a bit early for Dean to be home.

“You are never going to believe who I ran into,” Dean said.  Cas wasn’t planning on listening, but Dean’s voice was excited and carried through the apartment, and he figured he wasn’t going to be able to avoid listening.  He stuck a pencil in his textbook and closed it, standing to take his dishes from dinner out to the kitchen while he was distracted.

“Who do you know that lives around here?” Sam asked.  Dean waved at Cas from the entryway, where he was removing his jacket and toeing off his shoes, as Cas walked out into the living area to cross through to the kitchen.

“Remember Benny?  We spent that month in Vegas right after I turned 21?”  The look on Sam’s face told Cas all he needed to know about what Sam thought of Benny, and it wasn’t pleasant.

“How could I forget, you kind of just up and abandoned mom and me to run off with him,” Sam said sarcastically.  Dean’s face faltered for the briefest moment, but his smile came right back.  It was almost so fast Cas couldn’t see it, but he prided himself on his ability to read body language, and since he spent most of his free time people watching, he noticed the subtle change in Dean’s face.  Dean sauntered into the living room, and Sam paused his game as Dean stood between his brother and the television.

“Turns out he just opened a bar down the street, Lafitte’s?  He’s offered me a job as a bouncer and part time bartender.”  Dean was grinning, so proud of himself, it almost made Cas smile with its infectiousness as he poured himself a glass of water, but Sam just sighed.

“Wow, you’ve got a job already,” he said, with half a smile, trying to sound happy for Dean, but Cas knew Sam well enough to know there was more to that sentence than he was saying out loud.  Cas felt his brow furrow in confusion, wondering why Sam was so disappointed when Dean had managed to get a job, relatively quickly for that matter.  Even in this college town it wasn’t easy to find work.  “We still going out for your birthday tomorrow?” Sam asked, turning off the game system, standing and stretching.

“Of course, one of the only nights a year you willingly buy me dinner!” Dean said with a wink, patting his belly.  “And since you’re the one that’s been here for two years, you better know a good steak house nearby, just saying.”  Sam chuckled, clapping Dean on the shoulder and walking towards the hallway.

“Alright, I’m getting ready for bed.  I have an early class Monday morning, so plan on an earlier dinner than you’re used to tomorrow,” he called.  

“Okay, mister college student,” Dean called back.  Cas was still standing in the kitchen, and he found himself watching Dean pull off his overshirt, his henley shirt seeming minimal compared to all the layers he usually wore.  It wasn’t that cold, but maybe Dean was just used to dressing that way.  Once Sam was out of the room, Dean’s mood had deflated again, but only briefly, before he looked up and realized Cas was still there.  He dropped his shirt on the couch and walked towards the kitchen.  Another thing that intrigued Cas was Dean didn’t seem at all surprised by Sam’s poor reaction to his announcement, nor did he seem truly bothered by it.  It was more like he expected it, and the falter in his mood was just him accepting what happened.

“Hey, you awake over there?” Dean asked.  Cas felt his thoughts pulled back into the moment.

“Sorry,” he said, finishing his water.  “I got a bit distracted.”  He put the glass next to the sink and turned to head back to his room.

“Distracted by what?” Dean asked, walking past Cas to the fridge to grab a beer.  Cas shrugged, watching as Dean popped the top with his pocketknife, as easily as flipping a light switch.  There was something raw about Dean, something more human than Cas had seen in another person before, and Cas had only glimpsed the edge of why he acted that way..

“I’m not sure it’s my place,” Cas said dismissively, “people don’t usually enjoy what I have to say, anyway.”  Dean chuckled.

“You had no problem telling me off at the bus stop a week ago.  C’mon, lay it on me,” he said, taking a pull of his beer and looking at Cas expectantly.  Cas looked over at the hallway where Sam had just disappeared.

“I have gotten to know Sam very well these past few months, and whenever he talked about you, he always spoke so fondly.  I just can’t seem to understand why, now that you’re here, he seems disappointed.  I also don’t understand why you don’t seem upset by it.”  Dean’s smile faded, and Cas wondered if he’d overstepped.  Dean took a long pull of his beer, thinking hard for a moment, but Cas could sense he wanted to say something.

“I don’t know what Sam has told you about how we grew up, but it wasn’t great.  My dad left us one night, after a really bad argument with Sam, and I uh,” he cleared his throat, “I kinda became Sam’s dad as well as his brother.  Had to help take care of my mom, too.”  He picked at the label on his bottle.  “I wasn’t ready for that, I mean, what kid would be?  So as soon as I could, as soon as Sam was in high school and didn’t need me anymore, I ran off.  Guess I kinda let him down, and I’ve been doing on hell of a job of letting him down ever since.”  Dean finished off the beer, chuckling to himself.  “Though maybe you didn’t want to hear my life story, there it is,” he sighed, dropping the bottle in the recycle bin.

“That’s not what I see when I watch Sam talk to you,” Cas said quietly.  Dean leans into the fridge for another beer, but Cas can tell he’s listening.  “I don’t think it’s disappointment in you that makes Sam pick at you to better yourself.”  Dean looks up at him, his green eyes cynical.

“Then what is it?” Dean asks sarcastically.  Cas ponders Dean for a moment, and Dean flushes and looks away.

“I think it’s because he sees so much more in you than you see in yourself.  I think he just wants you to see yourself the way he sees you.  It’s not disappointment in your actions, it’s frustration that you don’t see yourself any better than you do.”  Cas fidgets nervously, turning his gaze to the floor.  This got very personal, very quickly.  He still for all intents and purposes hardly knew Dean, but could he help it if both of the brothers wore their hearts on their sleeves?  

“Wow, that’s… you going to school to be a shrink or something, Cas?” Dean asked, slightly dumbfounded.  Cas shook his head.  

“Business Management, with a minor in history.”  Dean blinked.

“History.  Really.”  Cas shrugged, and Dean made a ‘huh’ face.

“I’ve always been very good at reading people and their body language.  My sister claims it’s because I have a lot of empathy, that I can’t help but feel what other people feel.  I think it’s just one more weird quirk I have that keeps people at a distance.”  Dean stared at him for a moment.

“You really have no filter, do you?” he asked with a small laugh.  Cas shrugged.

“I guess not.”  They stand in silence for a minute, the boundary of stranger to friend very suddenly and unexpectedly starting to break down.  “I’m going to bed now,” Cas sighed, turning for the hallway.

“You’re more than welcome to come to dinner with us tomorrow for my birthday,” Dean added after Cas took a few steps.  Cas paused.

“You don’t want the time with just your brother?” he asked, turning to look over his shoulder.  Dean shrugged.

“You just psychoanalyzed my relationship with Sam after one week and one conversation.  You know me well enough to celebrate my birthday with me,” he laughed.  Cas nodded.

“Alright, tomorrow then,” he said softly, walking into the hallway to his bedroom.  Cas wasn’t totally sure, but he thought he noticed Sam’s door closing as he turned the corner towards the bedrooms.  He wondered if Sam was listening in, and blushed slightly.  He had grown comfortable living with Sam, and it wasn’t easy for him to get along with many strangers, he hoped he hadn’t said anything to upset him too much.

He walked into his bedroom and shut the door behind him, stripping out of his clothes and pulling on sweatpants.  He dropped back into his desk chair, pulling his textbook towards him to finish his reading assignment.  Half an hour later he started to nod off, so he turned off his light and climbed into bed, looking forward to dinner with the Winchesters the next day, if for no other reason than it would give him a chance to figure out their enigma of a relationship.


	2. Chapter Two- Breaking the Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMIGOSH over 100 reads on the first chapter!! No pressure or anything guys!!
> 
> Due to Thanksgiving, this took about two days longer to post than I thought it would, but I wanted to take the time to edit it and make it the best it could be.
> 
> Remember to leave me comments and to hit that Kudos button if you like what you read!! If you don't like it comment and tell me why, I am not opposed to making edits! XD

It had been a few weeks, and Dean surprised both Sam and Cas with how good of a roommate he was turning out to be.  Sam said it was because they were living with Cas.  He insisted Dean was never this easy to live with at home.  Cas wondered if maybe what he’d said had struck a nerve with the man.  His unusually blunt observations of people’s behavior were generally not welcome, and Cas was worried Dean might come to resent him, making their living arrangements awkward.  Dean never said a thing about it to Cas, he never seemed uncomfortable around Cas at all.  For the most part, not on purpose but due to their schedule, he hardly spoke to Dean at all.  Dean’s job at the bar was third shift, so he’d leave for work just as Cas was coming back from class every day.  On weekends when Cas was home, Dean would sleep basically all day.  Wednesdays were his day off, and when Cas and Sam would come back from class, Dean would have dinner waiting for them.  He wasn’t half bad in the kitchen, and every now and again Cas found himself quite impressed with Dean’s cooking.

 Like Sam had warned Cas, Dean was fairly promiscuous, and he would oftentimes roll in from his night before around 10am the next day, very obviously having just spent a night with someone.  After the briefest of small talk, he’d spend about an hour in the shower and pass out until he had to get up for work that night, leaving himself just enough time to grab something to eat before leaving.  Dean would sometimes be awake long enough to sit in the living room and watch some TV, and he would talk to Sam about his conquests while Cas was trying not to listen in his bedroom.  It was strange to him, the amount of different people, women and men, that Dean slept with, and he couldn't quite grasp Dean’s behavior.  He’d only ever had one romantic relationship, and since he and April had split, there hadn’t been anyone else.  He was so focused on his studies he didn’t really have time to commit to finding a romantic partner, and frankly he didn't really want to.

On the day before Valentine's Day, Dean’s behavior finally created some tension in the apartment.

Cas woke up at his usual time that Saturday, around 6am, even though he didn’t have class.  His body had adjusted itself to a schedule, and there weren’t many mornings when Cas would sleep in.  When he walked out into the dark hallway to head into the kitchen, he nearly walked face first into the back of a random stranger as he entered the living room.

“Oh, um, excuse me,” he mumbled, still half asleep.  

“Oh, shit, my roommate’s up,” he heard Dean mutter, tugging on what Cas could now see was a man, about his height but much more slim, like someone on a cross country track team.  Cas reached over to the wall and flipped on the living room light.  “Sorry, Cas, Jake was just, uh-” Dean stammered.  ‘Jake’ stole a kiss from Dean and draped his jacket over his shoulders, letting Dean walk him to the front door.

“Um, who are you?” came Sam’s voice from outside.  Sam’s body was also on a schedule, Cas realized Sam would be returning right as he got up, and that unfortunately for Dean he had the worst timing ever.  Dean was usually asleep, or not even home, at that time of morning, he didn't know their routine, and he was paying for that now.  Cas sighed, tempted to just turn and go back to bed, because he could tell from the tone of Sam’s voice this wasn’t going to be pleasant.

“Sorry, I’m on my way out,” Jake said, and Cas heard his footsteps retreating down the stairs.  Dean stepped back into the living room, and Cas noticed now he was wearing just boxers and an old tank, with rather obvious red marks on the back of his neck and shoulders, his hair going in so many directions it defied gravity.  Cas stepped out of the hallway into the kitchen to get the coffee going, slightly amused that Dean had bottomed for the smaller man.  His amusement faded when he saw the look on Sam’s face.

“So you promised not to bring anyone home.  That didn’t seem to last very long,” Sam huffed angrily once the door was closed behind him.  Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

“Come on, Sam, don’t give me that crap,” Dean grunted.  “It was one guy, one night.  Give me a fucking break.”  Sam wiped sweat off his forehead, kicking off his running shoes.

“No, Dean, I'm not going to give you a ‘fucking’ break.  That was the one thing, the _one_ thing I asked.  Just for you to be considerate, because I’m not the only person living with you now.”  

“Yeah, well that person you're so worried about being considerate for,” Dean spat, pointing at the kitchen, “he didn't seem to give two shits, so I don't see the big deal.”  Sam glanced up and noticed Cas was in the room for the first time.  Dean seemed to be waiting for Cas to agree with him, and Sam also seemed to be waiting for what Cas had to say.

“I'm not exactly pleased that there was a stranger in my apartment when I got up,” he said calmly.  Sam made a ‘told you so’ face at his brother.  “But you having sex doesn't cause me discomfort,” he added.  Sam’s face flushed red, and Dean looked mildly pleased.  Cas had another moment where he wondered if they were really brothers.

“There, you see?” Dean said, gesturing at Cas.  Cas felt his brow furrow.

“I’m not condoning your behavior, Dean,” he added.  Dean flushed and frowned, but Cas continued talking before he could respond.  “I was merely letting Sam know that I wasn’t bothered by your actions this morning.  Your brother knows I’m very much your opposite when it comes to that kind of… relationship… and he was concerned for my feelings.”  Both brothers stared at him open mouthed, Sam looked slightly guilty and Dean was just surprised.  Cas felt his face grow hot, and he grabbed his coffee, intending to head to his room.

“Dude, you're not… Tell me you're not a virgin!” Dean gasped.  Sam punched him in the arm.  

“C’mon! Seriously!?” he hissed.“Could you be any more inappropriate?!”  Cas turned to look at them, Sam’s face deeply embarrassed and apologetic, and Dean’s stunned disbelief.  If the whole situation hadn’t been so awkward, Cas would have laughed at their opposite reactions.  As it was, Cas simply shrugged.

“I'm not a virgin.  It just… Didn't work out with her, and I haven't seen the point after,” he muttered.  Sam tried to pull his brother away, but Dean slipped his grip, moving to block Cas from the hallway.

“You've only had sex… with one person… That is just a crime!  Cas, you don't know what you're missing,” Dean chuckled.  Cas frowned slightly, Dean’s eyes practically screamed ‘let me show you a good time’, in spite of his assertion he wouldn't hit on Cas.  He hadn't planned on having this conversation with Dean this early on, but Dean wasn't going to let it go unless Cas did something about it.

“Dean, could you be any more of a dick right now?” Sam asked, exasperated.  He knew what was going through Cas’ head, they'd talked about this before, but Cas didn't want Sam fighting this particular battle for him.  Dean raised his eyebrows.

“What?  I'm not trying-” he caught the look on Cas’ face, and his confidence faltered.

“I'm demisexual, Dean.  I'm not interested.  Sorry if that's hard for you to understand,” Cas snapped, pushing past him and walking to his room.  He shut the door behind him, leaning his back against the wood as he listened to Sam chastise his brother.

“Way to go, jackass,” Sam snapped.

“He’s a… a what?” Dean asked.

“Demisexual.  He’s only sexually attracted to someone he’s in love with, or he's formed a deep emotional relationship with.  One night stands, random sex, he doesn't do that kind of stuff.”  

“That’s just…”  There was a long pause, and Cas figured Dean was absorbing what Sam had told him.

“As I said, could you have been a bigger dick?” Sam scoffed.

“Well I’m sorry, okay?” Dean said, a little more reserved.  “Things got a bit out of hand, Jake and I both had a few too many shots, and I figured it would be better for us to drive here than halfway across town to his place,” Dean groused.  “I get that you don’t approve of how I live my life, Sam, but it’s my life-”

“Fine, you can do whatever the hell you want, you can screw whomever you want, just don’t bring it back here!”  Sam was nearly shouting now.  “Do you ever think about consequences?” he asked.

“Of course, that’s why I use condoms.”  There was a pause, Cas could picture both Dean’s smirk and Sam’s mega bitch face, then Dean continued.  “I said I was sorry, alright?”

“Don't apologize to me, apologize to Cas!” Sam snapped.  Cas sighed, continuing to sip at his coffee.  He was used to the confusion, the strange looks people have him when he labeled himself.  He was used to people thinking he was a freak, and Dean was so much his opposite, he wasn't surprised he didn't understand him.  

Still, it always hurt, just the littlest bit.

“Cas,” Dean called through his door a few minutes later. “I’m sorry, alright?  I didn’t mean to, to put you on the spot like that, I just-”

“It’s alright,” Cas said quickly, walking across his room to get some clean clothes.

“Why do I get the feeling that's not entirely true?” Dean said softly, totally sincere.  Cas took a deep breath, pulling on a shirt and jeans, then he cracked open the door so Dean could stick his head in.  If they were going to talk about this Cas didn’t want to do it through the door.

“You didn’t understand Sam’s intention behind his request, because he didn’t want to tell you about my sexuality without my consent,” Cas pointed out.  Dean just shook his head.

“You just… you always come out and say what’s on your mind, don’t you?” Dean laughed lightly, leaning on his door frame.  Cas shrugged, pouring his clothes hamper out on his bed to sort his clean clothes.

“I don’t see the point of shielding people from the truth,” he said simply, picking his jeans out of the pile and folding them in a pile.  “My sister always taught me to be honest, and I try to live up to that.”  Dean's heavy sigh and slouched posture spoke more to Cas than any words ever could.  This was poking at a serious topic, and it wasn't one Dean seemed willing to talk about.

“Honesty isn’t something I’m good at,” he mumbled quietly, and Cas knew he was trying to keep Sam from overhearing him.  Cas finished with his jeans, turning to look at Dean.  He studied his body language for a moment before speaking.

“I think that’s your problem, Dean.  Because you can’t even be honest with yourself, you take it out on other people.”  Dean’s face darkened, staring hard at Cas before walking away, grabbing his towel from his room and walking quickly into the bathroom he shared with Sam.  He thought that might happen, if he called Dean on his behavior he’d get offended.  He was good at reading body language, but not so good at filtering his interpretations, or worrying about how people would react once he’d spoken his mind.  Cas sighed, leaving the rest of his laundry where it was on his bed and made his way out into the kitchen with his coffee mug.  He poured himself a bowl of Raisin Bran and settled down at the table to eat, expertly keeping his face calm and clear, but the whole situation from start to finish had gotten under his skin.  If it wasn't so early, he'd call his sister, but she lived two time zones over, and she wasn't as much of a morning person as Cas.

Sam was at the table, nearly done with his breakfast of a bagel with cream cheese, a large bottle of water sitting nearly empty next to his plate.

“Sorry, Cas, I didn't want to drag you into my issues with my brother,” Sam sighed, gesturing towards the hallway.

“I appreciated the concern, Sam, but I’m fully capable of telling Dean to stop if his behavior is bothering me,” Cas pointed out, some attitude in his voice, taking a bite of cereal.  He shouldn't snap at Sam, but he couldn’t help being irritated that morning.

“I know, Cas, I just…” he took a deep breath.  “I never wanted to put you in that position.”  Cas ate a few bites of cereal before answering.  

“I don't expect people to understand me, Sam.  The fact that you and I can live together was… unexpected.  I agreed to let your brother live here, I wanted to try and push myself.  I'll just have to deal with that decision.”  Sam’s jaw set guiltily, and he poked at his last piece of bagel for a minute.

“I just wish Dean’d be the man he could be, you know?” he finally said.  “He’d make a great husband, and a great dad, if he’d just convince himself to settle down sometime…”  He ran a hand through his hair, obviously deep in thought.  It wasn’t unusual for Sam to speak his mind like this, but the mood that morning was different.  “I worry about him,” Sam leaned back heavily in his chair.

“You want him to be happy,” Cas said quietly.  Sam nodded.  

“I mean, I have Jess, and she’s the greatest thing to happen to me in… in a long time.”  Sam scrubbed a hand down his face, standing and tossing what was left of his breakfast.  “He took care of me my whole life, and he took care of mom I- I don't think he knows how to take care of himself.”  Cas looked up at Sam thoughtfully, his annoyance seeping away at Sam’s speech.  They hadn't talked too much about Sam’s childhood, or Cas’ for that matter, so this whole argument must have really struck deep with Sam.  Cas felt his irritation soften, his body relax.

“He has to figure that out himself,” Cas pointed out.  “I had to figure out who I was, after losing April.”  Sam looked like he wanted to ask about her, but decided against it, and Cas took a deep breath, slightly relieved.  “You're a good man, Sam,” he said with half a smile, “Just be there for your brother, and he'll figure out what he wants someday.”  Sam clapped Cas on the shoulder affectionately.

“Yeah, thanks Cas,” he sighed, walking down the hallway.  He heard Dean leave the bathroom and Sam go in, starting his own shower.  Cas finished his breakfast, rinsing out his bowl and making his way down to his room.  As he opened his door, Dean’s door flew open.

“Hey, Cas, got a second?” he asked.  Cas nodded, pausing in his doorway.  Now that Dean was showered his hair was tame, but he hadn't bothered getting dressed, he was wearing nothing but boxer briefs.  This was the first time he’d seen Dean completely shirtless, and Cas was fascinated to see Dean had an assortment of tattoos.  He had one over his right pectoral of a music staff, no words just notes, and on the left pectoral there was a pentagram in a circle of flames.  In a straight line down the center of his abs, leading right to the elastic on his boxer briefs, there was a collection of symbols, Cas recognized Japanese, Chinese, and one that looked Nordic, but the other writing he didn't recognize.  Dean noticed him staring, and when Cas realized he noticed he looked away quickly.  “Like what you see?” he chuckled, his old flirtatious voice back.

“I recognize some of the writing, but I'm not sure what it means,” Cas said, ignoring Dean’s intent behind the question completely.  Dean looked down at his stomach, pointing at each symbol one at a time.

“Family, strength, love, passion, heart, and the last one,” he pointed at the one that just met his waistband, “loosely translates as desire.”  Cas had to struggle to keep from rolling his eyes.

“Appropriate… and yet not.  Suits you,” he observed instead.  Dean faltered for a moment, probably trying to figure out if that was a compliment or an insult, then continued with his other tattoos.  Dean pointed at the pentagram.  

“This I got on a particularly crazy night with a Wiccan.  She said it’s supposed to ward off demon possession, or something.”  He pointed at the music, smiling softly.  “This is the opening of ‘Hey Jude’, my mom always sang it to me as a kid.”  Cas remembered what Sam had said about Dean taking care of their mom, and the corner of his mouth twitched in an almost smile.

“You wanted something?” Cas asked, his voice calm and even.  Dean ran his hand over the back of his neck.   
****

“Look, about earlier-” he started.  Cas waved a hand to cut him off.

“I would like to move on from that, Dean.” he said simply.  Dean crossed his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, well I don't.  At least not yet,” he said, determination in his voice.  “Sam was right, I was an inconsiderate douche.”  Cas wasn't expecting this fervent of an apology from Dean, and it threw him off.  

“I, uh, thanks,” he stuttered.  

“Let me buy you dinner tomorrow,” he said with a smile.  Cas felt his brow furrow and Dean’s face fell slightly.  “ _Not as a date_!” he added quickly when Cas opened his mouth to object.  Cas relaxed slightly, not even realizing he’d tensed up.  “Just as an apology.  Let us have a chance to get to know one another.”  Cas considered Dean for a minute, trying to size him up.  He didn't get surprised often, and when he did he didn't like to let it go, but at the same time he didn't want Dean to think he was too eager to go out to dinner with him.

“As long as it's not too late,” Cas said carefully.  Dean smiled, a large infectious smile that Cas couldn't help but return with a small smile of his own.

“Alright, I'll make sure I come straight home from work tonight, get to bed early.”  He turned back into his bedroom, closing the door.  Cas walked in his room, grabbing his philosophy textbook and settling in to do his writing assignment.  

After an hour he hardly had three sentences written, because all he could think about was he had agreed to let Dean “doesn't-know-when-to-stop-flirting” Winchester take him out to dinner _on Valentine's Day_.  

“Of all the idiotic ideas…” Cas sighed to himself, running his hand through his hair.  It wasn’t the idea of spending time with Dean that was bothering him, he knew they needed to better understand each other if they were going to continue living together.  It was the puzzle Dean presented.  It took him one week to figure Sam out, but he'd been living with Dean for a month now, and still he would find ways to surprise Cas.  Dean, the unattached drifter, was giving up Valentine’s Day to spend it with his roommate, whom he knew had no interest in him romantically or sexually.  

Tomorrow was going to be a long day.

 

 

 

It was three thirty in the afternoon on Sunday when Dean finally stumbled out of bed, rubbing sleep out of his eyes as he made his way to the living room.  Cas was sitting on the couch reading for class to pass the time, and he looked up as Dean made his entrance.  Dean was at least dressed today, an old tee shirt and basketball shorts, which Cas appreciated.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Sam said with a laugh, looking up from the table where he was working on some homework.  Dean grunted and started making some coffee, absently scratching at the stubble growing on his cheeks.  Cas exchanged a smile with Sam, sharing a silent laugh at how rumpled Dean was when he first woke up.

“You got plans with Jess tonight?” Dean asked, his voice hoarse with sleep.

“Yeah, she's volunteering at the hospital until five, but we have reservations for dinner.”  Dean made an impressed face.

“Wow, you're taking her somewhere fancy enough for reservations.”

“Yeah I am, because unlike you, having nothing but alcohol and peanuts for dinner isn't exactly my idea of a good date,” Sam laughed.  The coffee finished, and Dean poured himself a cup.

“Makes sense I guess,” Dean grunted, taking a sip of his coffee, black.  He looked over at Cas.

“Hey, that reminds me, you can pick where we go for dinner tonight,” he said, smiling at Cas, “I'm not picky, so long as there's something other than salad.”  He walked down the hallway with his coffee, and once he was out of sight, Sam turned to Cas with a shocked look on his face.

“Did he just say what I thought he said?” Sam asked.  Cas shrugged.

“We’re going out to eat tonight, as roommates.  Yesterday made me realize I need to figure your brother out if we're going to keep living together.”  Sam continued to just stare at Cas.  

“Dean’s giving up his _favorite_ holiday, to go out to dinner with you?!” he asked incredulously.  “I mean, Dean’s lived for this holiday since he was 16…”  Cas put his book down, turning to face Sam.

“I doubt we’ll be out the entire night, I'm sure your brother will celebrate appropriately once our dinner is done.”  Sam shrugged.

“I guess, I'm just... surprised is all.”  Sam turned back to his homework and Cas picked his book back up, continuing to read for about half an hour while Dean got ready.  When Dean walked out of the hallway, both Cas and Sam looked up, Cas rolled his eyes and Sam choked slightly.  Dean was wearing dark colored jeans that form fitted perfectly to his slightly bowed legs, and a crisp white, long sleeved button up, buttoned halfway, over a royal blue t shirt.  His hair was styled up into an almost mohawk, and he’d shaved just enough to look artfully scruffy.  Dean looked between the two of them as they stared at him.

“Uh, guys?  Something wrong?” he asked, looking over his shirt like he might have spilled something. Sam just shook his head, glancing at Cas.

“I hope you're right,” was all he said to Castiel.  Dean looked back and forth between them as Cas put his book down, standing and walking over to the door to put his shoes on.

“Did I miss something?” Dean asked.  Sam didn't answer, and once Cas got his shoes on he looked up at Dean to find him looking at Cas expectantly.

“I think Sam is just a bit confused as to why you're dressed so nice just to go to dinner with me,” Cas said shrugging.  Dean walked towards the door, a swagger in his step, smirking slightly.

“It's Valentine's Day.  Gotta be on my game,” he said with a wink.  “And you don't look too bad yourself,” he added.  Cas was wearing khakis and a light blue cotton, long sleeve button up, but he wore similar clothes to that on a daily basis, he hadn't put any extra effort into his appearance.  Cas huffed a sigh at what he knew wouldn't be the last time Dean would come onto him that night.

“Dean, please restrain yourself while we’re eating.  This dinner is supposed to make it easier to live together, not get on my nerves.”  Dean’s mouth opened and closed a few times like he was trying to say something, but nothing would come out.  Sam snorted with suppressed laughter and Dean flushed.

“C’mon, let's get going,” he muttered, walking to the door.  Cas grabbed his hoodie, slipping it on and waving goodbye to Sam, following Dean out the door.  They walked down to the Impala, Dean climbing in and leaning over to open Cas’ door.  “So where are we going?” Dean asked.  

“I was thinking Logan’s, if that’s alright with you,” Cas said, “they have a lot of the food you seem to prefer, and it's not really a romantic restaurant so we shouldn't have any trouble getting in.”  Dean shrugged.

“Okay, sounds good.”  Dean started the car, the loud hum of the Impala vibrating up through Cas’ legs.  Dean turned them out of the parking lot and onto the main road, listening to Cas’ directions on where to go.  He was getting better about finding his way around town, but still needed Sam or Cas to help him every now and again.  They got to Logan’s without much incident, but Cas wasn’t surprised when there was a decent line of people waiting to be seated, in spite of the lack of atmosphere.  They walked up to the tired looking hostess and Cas opened his mouth to talk but Dean pressed forward, smiling disarmingly at her.

“Hey, sweetheart, how are you tonight?” he asked in a smooth voice.  Cas set his jaw and settled back to watch Dean.  That was the whole reason he was here, was to get to know Dean, and his constant need to flirt with everything that moved was a big part of his personality.  

“How many?” she asked, having perked up quite a bit when Dean walked up to the podium.

“Just the two of us,” he said, gesturing at Cas.  She looked down at her sheet.

“It’ll be about a half an hour wait,” she sighed.  Dean leaned on the podium, smiling warmly at the girl, and she flushed slightly.

“Any open seating at the bar?  We’re not picky.”  She took a few steps back and looked towards the bar area, then walked back to the podium.

“There’s a high top, is that alright?”

“Perfect, thanks,” Dean said with a wink, and she raised an eyebrow at Dean with a smile.  He turned to Cas and put a hand on his back to push him along to the bar, but when Cas shied away from his touch Dean immediately dropped his hand.  They made their way to the table and Cas climbed onto one of the barstools, Dean pushed his slightly closer to Cas’ before climbing into his.  Dean looked around, an amused look on his face.

“What’s so funny?” Cas asked.  Dean shrugged.

“This place is based on a roadhouse, but I’ve been in some real roadhouses, all over the country.  I can tell you, they’re nowhere near as clean, or boring.”  Cas was wondering why that was a bad thing when a waitress came up to their table, a disinterested smile on her face as she handed them their menus.  She was blonde, her wavy hair done up in a high ponytail on top of her head, and Cas objectively could see she was pretty, not too thin, well proportioned.  He looked over at Dean and just caught his eyes taking in her appearance in a much hungrier way than Cas’ had.  Her eyes fell on Dean, and suddenly she was _very_ interested in serving their table.

“Hi, I’m Ashley, I’ll be taking care of you tonight,” she said brightly.

“Oh, I hope so,” Dean said with a smirk.  Cas just stared, brow furrowed in concentration at Dean’s blatant behavior, but the waitress blushed and grinned.  What was it about him that made everyone swoon the moment they laid eyes on him?  He could drive Cas up the wall when he acted like this.

“What can I get you to drink?” she asked, not even glancing at Cas.

“I’ll take a whiskey, double,” Dean said, looking up at her with a roguish smile.  She finally turned to acknowledge Cas, yanking her eyes away from Dean.

“I’ll have a screwdriver,” Cas said, trying not to be offended when her eyes immediately shifted to Dean again.

“I’ll be right back with those,” she said, giving Dean a heart eyed look before walking away.  Dean watched her go before looking back at Cas, and when he did his eyebrow quirked up slightly.  

“You know, not for nothing Cas, but the last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid,” he said with a wink.  Cas’ frown deepened, but he didn’t say anything, and after a few minutes Dean started rubbing at his neck nervously.  “Okay, I get it, stop flirting with the waitress,” he muttered, the tips of his ears flushing pink.

“How do you do it?” Cas asked.  Dean looked up with a blank look.

“Do what, flirt with people?”

“Yes, and no.”  Dean blinked in confusion, but didn’t get a chance to respond because Ashley was back with their drinks and their yeast rolls.

“Do you need a moment or are you ready to order?” she asked, eyes never leaving Dean.  

“I’ll have the teriyaki chicken, with broccoli and rice pilaf, please,” Cas said calmly.  Dean scanned down the menu briefly.

“Bacon cheeseburger,” he said, smiling up at her.  She barely pulled her eyes away from Dean long enough to jot down their orders.

“Okay, I’ll get these in for you,” she said, taking the menus and smiling at Dean.  As she walked away, Dean took a sip of his whiskey, returning his attention to Cas.

“What did you mean by yes and no?” he asked.  Cas picked a peanut out of the bucket on the table, breaking the shell open and popping it in his mouth before answering.

“I mean I understand the concept of how to flirt, like the actual act of it, I just… I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how you can do it to everyone, all the time.”  Dean grabbed a roll and took a bite, swallowing before speaking.

“I don’t know, I, uh, realized when I was younger, like just turned 18, that I was really good at it.  Like really good, as in get me drinks underage, get me into concerts I haven’t paid for, that kind of good.  And the sex,” Dean shrugged, a coy smile on his face, “I mean, who doesn’t love sex?”  Cas’ mood fell slightly, and he must have let it show on his face, because Dean’s smile disappeared immediately.  “Hey, man, I didn’t- shit, sorry Cas.”  Cas ate a couple more peanuts before speaking.

“I’m used to people not understanding me, Dean.  I’m different, and people don’t bother trying to understand different, they just label me as either a freak or as confused and move on.”  Cas took a sip of his drink, noticing Dean looked really upset now.

“I don’t think you’re a freak,” he said quietly.  Cas wasn’t expecting the change in Dean’s mood, and he set his drink down slowly.

“Thank you,” he said simply.  Dean met his eyes, a sincerity in the bright green orbs Cas wasn’t used to seeing.

“Would it be alright- I mean, could you just… explain to me how it works?  The demisexual thing?  I want to understand, I really do,” he said gently.  Cas was reeling from the sudden change from flirtatious playboy to sincere, honestly curious Dean.  He took a few more sips before starting in on an explanation.

“Basically, to have sexual interest in someone, I need to have an emotional connection to them.”

“So, you can't have sex unless you’re in love with the person?” Dean asked slowly.  Cas picked at a roll, eating a bite.

“Not necessarily,” he said, sitting up a bit straighter.  “For me, specifically, I'm not bothered by the idea of sex, it's just a physical act.  For other demisexuals, it's repulsive.  Some demis can have sex with a close friend, just to see what it's like.”  Dean took a deep breath.

“What about you?  You said you weren't a virgin, so…”  He was trying very hard, Cas noticed, to understand, to be sensitive when asking his questions, and Cas noticed then a similarity between Dean and Sam.  Dean had just as kind of a heart as Sam did, he just buried it under layers of devil may care promiscuity.

“I had a romantic relationship with someone a few years ago, and yes, we had sex,” Cas said softly, holding Dean’s gaze to watch his reaction.  Dean’s expression didn’t change too much, he simply raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“And?”

“And what?”

“What was it like?  I mean-” he blushed, “not like specific details, but like as a demi.  I'm not trying to be one of those guys that needs to hear your conquest details.  I'm just curious you know-”  Dean’s embarrassed rambling was cut off by the waitress bringing out their food.  Dean ordered another whiskey, and Cas got a water, then Ashley left after another oogle at Dean.

“It was pleasant, physically and emotionally,” Cas continued, unwrapping his silverware to eat.  Memories of his time with April were oddly conflicted, and he wasn’t ready to talk to Dean about them, not yet.  “But not long after we slept together we broke up, and I haven't made that kind of connection with anyone else since.”  Dean swallowed the large bite of his burger he had taken before speaking.

“So, does gender matter to you, like if you formed a connection with someone would it matter if it was a man or woman?”  Cas thought about it, trying to think back along his life.

“For some demis maybe, but I don't think I have a preference.  I had what might have been a crush on a boy before, in high school, but I never acted on it, so I don't have any practical experience with men.”  Dean nodded, and they ate in silence for a little bit, Dean’s eyes unfocused as they stared at the table, and Cas could only assume he was thinking through everything he’d told him.  Cas felt much more comfortable than he had when their dinner started, not only due to the change in Dean’s behavior, but also because Dean understood now _why_ Cas felt the way he did about Dean’s behavior.  By the time Dean had finished his burger and Cas had mostly finished his food, Dean’s eyes focused back on him, a look in them even Cas couldn’t quite place.

“Thanks, for explaining that to me,” Dean said quietly.  “I know it's really personal for you,” he added.  Cas shrugged.

“If we’re going to live together, some things just need to be out in the open,” he said, waving away Dean’s apology.  Cas watched a conflicted look fall on Dean’s face.

“I, uh, I’m not good at talking, at least about stuff that matters,” he said, shifting his fries around his plate.  “I mean, you've just told me something so personal about yourself and I… I can't even tell you the littlest thing about me.”  Dean was blushing and avoiding eye contact with Cas, his confidence faltering.  Cas was about to ask what was wrong when Ashley appeared, again totally ignoring the fact that Cas was at the table.  He was tempted to spill his water on purpose just to see if she’d notice.

“Any dessert tonight?” she asked.  Dean smiled up at her, his insecurity and gentleness gone immediately, replaced by his cocky attitude faster than Cas could blink.

“Thanks, but we’re all good.”  She pulled the billfold out of her apron and set it on the table.

“Alright, take your time,” she said.  Dean nodded and she left.  Cas reached for the bill, but Dean grabbed it first.

“No, I said I'd buy, and I'm buying,” he insisted, opening up the black folder.  He chuckled, pulling out his wallet and slipping his card in the folder, pulling a small piece of paper out of the pocket before setting it aside.  Cas noticed a small note and a string of numbers written on it.

“Wow, just like that,” Cas said, almost smiling.  Dean flushed again, but stuck the paper in his pocket.

“I’m just that good,” he bragged before his face grew serious again.  “Look, Cas, to be completely honest, you're very attractive, with the hair and your eyes, and you have no idea how I-” Dean sighed, his face practically glowing because he was blushing so brightly.  “That's why I came onto you so hard before.  Now that I know what I know, I'm done, okay?”  Cas was slightly put off at the compliment, and Dean’s shy behavior, but he appreciated his honesty.

“Thank you, Dean,” he said quietly.  Dean looked up at the sound of his name, and Cas tried to smile reassuringly.  It seemed to work, and Dean chuckled quietly.

“No problem.”  They picked at the last of their food and drink, and Cas couldn’t seem to stop watching the little behaviors and nuances he could see in Dean for the first time.  Whatever wall was between them, keeping them from understanding each other, appeared to be gone.

“I'd say dinner was successful,” Cas decided, finishing up his last bit of food.

“Yeah, I think so too,” Dean said with a nod, downing the last of his whiskey.  Ashley returned and took their check, and when she noticed the slip of paper with her number was gone, she gave Dean a flirty smile before walking away.

“Should we expect you home tonight?” Cas asked, looking pointedly at the waitress walking away.  Dean shrugged.

“It _is_ Valentine's,” he pointed out, turning to look over his shoulder at the waitress.  He turned back to Cas.  “Don't worry, I'll take you home first,” he said with a smile.  This smile wasn't flirty, it was genuine, if not slightly embarrassed, and Cas felt more relaxed in Dean’s presence than he had since the day they met.

“I appreciate that,” Cas said, smiling back.  When Ashley returned with their check, she and Dean exchanged some small talk that Cas purposefully didn't listen to.  When she walked away, Dean and Cas slid off their chairs and made their way out to the car to head home.  The car ride was quiet, and when they pulled up to their building, Dean left the car running.

“Alright, I'll see you guys tomorrow,” Dean sighed, checking his shirt before using the mirror to check his hair.  Cas smiled.

“You look fine, Dean,” he said, opening the door to climb out.  He looked back as he shut the door, and smiled at Dean.  “Be safe out there tonight,” he added.  Dean laughed.

“Okay, I get enough lectures from Sam, don't you start.”  Cas shut the door and made his way upstairs, the purr of the Impala’s engine rumbling away.  When he walked inside, Sam was stretched out on the couch watching House of Cards.

“Hey, Cas,” he said, pausing the show, “I guess Dean wasn't ready to call it a night?” he added when he looked over the couch.  Cas took off his hoodie, hanging it on the back of a chair.

“No, our waitress and Dean seemed to have hit it off,” he said, kicking off his shoes.

“How'd it go?” Sam asked, trying to sound casual but obviously curious.

“It went well.  He fully understands my sexuality now, and I think I understand him a bit better.”  Sam raised his eyebrows, an impressed look on his face.

“Alright, and you don't seem upset so Dean was at least tasteful.”

“You know, he may not show it around you, but he has a kind and curious side, just like you.”  Cas turned for the hallway, leaving a surprised Sam in the living room.  Yes, dinner had been successful indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: I'm not demisexual, and I did a lot of reading before writing this chapter to try and make sure I didn't misrepresent demi's. If you think I've gotten something wrong PLEASE tell me, I want to get this right!!


	3. Chapter Three- As Luck Would Have It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song used in this chapter is "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most" by Dashboard Confessional :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another 100 reads!! You guys are awesome!! This chapter wasn't going to take this long to finish, but the holidays are a REALLY busy time for me at work, so I've been super busy lately! Apologies!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one, I had a lot of fun with it, and you'll see why ;)

Spring break came and went.  Castiel left the Winchester brothers in Orlando, flying up to North Carolina to visit his sister Anna.  She lived there with her boyfriend, Michael, and Cas wouldn’t be surprised if they announced they were engaged soon.  He was able to catch his sister up on his life, and she told Cas about her work at the hospital, taking care of people with mental disabilities and disorders.  Anna had a quiet and soft personality, always warm and giving, and the patients reacted very well to her.  Cas couldn’t have been more proud for his older sister.

On the day he flew back to Florida, she was sitting with him in the waiting area of the airport, just before the security cut off, as they shared a lunch of crappy chinese food.  They were at a lull in their conversation, Cas’ thoughts drifting to his classes on Monday as he ate.

“Are you happy?” Anna blurted suddenly, a flush running up her cheeks to match her hair once she said the words.  He squinted up at her, confused.

“I am very content with my life, Anna.  I’m almost finished with school, just this summer then my semester abroad and I’m finally done.  I’ve found good friends in Sam and Dean, you and Gabe are both healthy and well… “

“But are you happy?” she asked again, insistent.  The look on his face must have led on how confused he was by the question, and she pushed away the last of her fried rice.  “I just worry about you sometimes,” she sighed.  “I know it’s silly, but I just do.”  He reached out to squeeze her hand, trying to gauge her mood.

“I’m fine,” Cas soothed, “why wouldn’t I be?”  She refused to look at him, but gave his hand a squeeze back.

“It’s shallow, and maybe it’s wrong of me to think this way,” she mumbled.  Cas squeezed her hand again to urge her to continue, and she took a deep breath, looking up at her brother.  “I was sitting with Michael one day after dinner, just relaxing on the couch, watching TV, not doing much of anything, and I was so happy, and content, and I… I wonder sometimes if you’ll ever know that kind of happiness.”  Cas wasn’t expecting that.  Anna was the one that helped Cas identify himself as demi, she’d never mentioned anything like this before.  He leaned back in his chair, pulling his hand back.

“I don’t need a romantic partner in my life to be happy,” he said cooly.  She blushed again.

“I know Cas, and I hate myself for implying it, I just-”

“Where is this coming from?” he asked.  She shrugged.

“I don’t know, Cas.  It just popped into my head one day and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”  She slumped in her seat, looking up at him with apology in her eyes.  “I just… want you to be happy.  After all we’ve lived through, you deserve it.”  His anger softened, at her defeated look.  He could never really be mad at Anna, not after all she’d done for him.

“I’m not asexual, or aromantic for that matter,” he said gently.  “I’m not saying I’ll never find that someday.  But Anna, I’m in a good place, a really good place, and I want you to understand that I am happy.”  She chanced a half smile up at him and nodded, and his phone chimed that he needed to head for his gate so he wouldn’t miss his plane.  She stood, helping him gather up his carry on and hugged him tightly.  He smiled at her as she released him, kissing her forehead gently.

“I’ll see you later this summer, okay?” he said.  She nodded, smiling up at him.

“Bye, Castiel.  Let me know when you land!”

It wasn’t a long flight, but the entire time he was in the air he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about her concern.  Was there something in his words or actions that made her believe he wasn’t happy?  He had to admit that Dean moving in was a small bump in his normally smooth road, but they’d moved past their discomfort into true friendship, and he had been telling the truth when he told her he was happy.

So why did it bother him so much?

 

 

Dean was off on the Tuesday after Cas got back, the second day after classes restarted, and Castiel had noticed that usually when Dean had an extra day off, he spent almost all of it sleeping.  Not only was Dean awake on this particular Tuesday, he had spent the day shopping for ingredients, prepping, and making lasagne for dinner.  Cas was impressed with the results, in fact it might be his new favorite meal made by Dean, but Sam was strangely suspicious through the whole meal.  Dean was also acting way too casual, forcing himself to laugh and make small talk.  A few times Cas opened his mouth to say something about it, but Dean would catch his eyes in a warning glare, so he didn’t mention it.

After eating, Cas was taking his turn doing dishes, loading what he could in the dishwasher and hand washing the rest.  Dean was moving around the kitchen, putting away the leftovers.  He leaned around Cas to grab a tupperware container Cas had just finished washing, easily avoiding touching him and muttering a quick “excuse me” as he invaded his space.  It had been just about a month, Cas realized, since their dinner, and things between him and Dean were great.  He understood Cas now, and in his actions and words there was never a hint of his old flirtatious behavior.  There were still small arguments between the brothers, but for the most part their living arrangements couldn't have been better.

Well, except that tonight there was a strange energy buzzing in the room that made Cas uncomfortable.  Sam lingered at the table, nursing a beer and pretending not to watch his brother, but Cas could see his eyes tracking Dean’s movement, like he was waiting for something.

“You guys have any plans for St. Patrick's day?” Dean asked casually.  Cas finished with the last of the silverware, turning off the water and drying his hands.

“Other than going to class in the morning, no,” he said.  Dean looked to Sam who shook his head.  Cas noticed the resigned look that had replaced the cautious one on Sam’s face, and figured this is what Dean must have been leading up to, and Sam knew it.  It didn’t seem to dampen Dean’s spirits, his eagerness showing in his voice and on his face.

“Great!  Benny’s throwing this huge party at the bar, and since I have to work he said I could invite you guys, no cover fee, no waiting to get in.  You could even bring Jess along if you want,” Dean was smiling, genuinely hopeful, and even though bars weren't really Cas’ thing, Dean’s excitement was contagious.

“Sounds mildly interesting,” Cas said, giving Dean a half smile. He nodded gratefully at Cas and turned to his brother.

“You’re just looking for an excuse to meet Jess, aren't you,” Sam sighed, a tired smile on his face.  Dean had been bugging Sam about it for a while, and Cas still didn't quite understand Sam’s reluctance.  Both sides of Dean, the flirty one he showed the world, and the kind one he sometimes let Cas get a glimpse of, weren’t that bad, and while Cas knew Sam was the quiet, monogamous sort, he still didn’t quite grasp what is was about his brother that irked him so much.

“C’mon, Sam, you can't be so ashamed of me that you won't even introduce us?” Dean said jokingly, batting his eyes at his brother.  Sam laughed, but Cas read a totally different mood behind those words.  Dean actually believed them.  Not for the first time Cas wondered how Sam could be so oblivious to his own brother, or if he wasn’t oblivious, how he could care so little.  

“Fine.  It's a public enough place, and you’ll be working, so we’ll be able to escape if we have to,” Sam gave in with a huff.  Dean smirked, pleased at his victory.

“Best behavior, brother, I promise.”  Sam raised an eyebrow to show what he thought of Dean’s promises and left for his room, presumably to tell Jess of their new plans on Thursday.  Cas stood still, watching Dean as he pulled a beer out of the fridge.  Still smiling at himself, he popped the top of the beer with his switchblade he kept in his pocket, one of the ways he liked to show off.  He stood and turned in Cas’ direction, jumping slightly when he saw Cas had been watching him.

“Dude, still creepy,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.  Cas chuckled, averting his eyes to hang up the dish towel he’d been fidgeting with.

“My apologies,” he said with a half smile as Dean called him out on his staring again.  Cas had always watched people closely, his whole life, and had never thought much about his elongated stares making people uncomfortable.  He and Dean had reached a level in their friendship, mainly because of Cas’ own bluntness, where Dean wasn't afraid anymore to ask about, or point out, his more unusual behaviors.  Where before it might have annoyed Cas, or made him angry, now he could understand it was harmless, just Dean’s way of figuring Cas out.  Cas wasn’t sure when they’d reached that level of comfort, maybe it had been their dinner, maybe after that, but it was refreshing.

“You nervous about meeting Jess?” he asked gently.  Dean shrugged.

“A little, I guess,” he said quietly, dropping his voice like he did when he didn’t want Sam to overhear him.  It was strange that in front of anyone else, Dean kept up his charade, his appearance of being this cocky, free spirit, but when he was talking to Cas, he was uncharacteristically open and honest.  The reason he felt he needed the charade was one of the many questions Cas couldn’t figure out an answer to.  “You know her, right?” Dean asked.  Cas nodded.

“She’s a very kind hearted person, but she isn’t afraid to speak her mind.  She’s a good fit for Sam, keeps him grounded and stable.”  Dean nods as Cas talks, sipping at his beer.  “Just don’t try too hard to impress her, and you should be alright,” Cas added.  Dean chuckled, slapping Cas on the shoulder good naturedly.

“C’mon, Cas, I don’t have to try hard to impress people, all they have to do is look at me and they love me.”  Cas rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help his smile at Dean’s silly grin.

“Okay, Dean.”  Dean took a larger sip of beer and made his way out into the living room, scanning their DVD and Blu-Ray collection.  Cas walked out of the kitchen to head back to his room, and heard Sam’s music drifting through the door of his room.  Castiel had a moment and a sound buffer, so he took the opportunity and decided to ask Dean one of the questions still rattling around in his head.

“What happened between you two that Sam doesn’t seem to trust you?” Cas asked quietly.  Dean’s eyes were locked on the movies, but they were out of focus, and Cas watched his jaw clench.

“Nothing, happened, really.  We’re just… different.  He doesn’t understand the complexity that is Dean Winchester,” he added, eyes scanning down the movies without really seeing them, trying valiantly to return to his cocky self.  

“I don’t think _you_ fully understand the complexities of Dean Winchester,” Cas said without thinking, snapping his mouth shut as soon as the words left him.  Dean tensed, looking over at Cas.

His expression was unreadable, and that didn’t happen to Cas very often.

“Sammy and I haven’t had the easiest life.  I handle things how I handle things, and he does what’s best for him.”  Dean’s tone told Cas the conversation was over, and he nodded, his eyes downcast.  Cas was no stranger to a rough childhood, so he let it go.  There appeared to be a much larger story behind it than Dean was letting on.

“I have some classwork I need to get done,” Cas finally said, breaking the silence.  Dean visibly relaxed when he realized Cas was fine with leaving his question unanswered. “Thanks for dinner, by the way,” he said with a little smile.  Dean smirked, his roguish attitude back after his small moment of vulnerability.

“Had to butter Sammy up somehow.”  He grinned at Cas raising his beer in a silent toast as Cas laughed and turned for the hallway.

As Cas made his way through his homework for Calculus, he found his mind wandering towards the party.  In spite of spending five full years in college, he had never really been part of the party scene.  His first year… he tried to ignore that part of his school life.  Then starting his first spring semester he’d been with April, who also didn't see the need to go out and party every weekend.  Once they’d split, Cas just honestly didn't have that many friends to go out with, and he was content with that.  After the rocky start to his time at school, he found the peace of being alone for the first time in his life relaxing.

“You okay?” came a voice from his door.  He’d left it wide open, which wasn't unusual for him, and Dean was standing just inside his door looking at him curiously.  Had it really been so long Dean had finished his movie?

“I'm perfectly fine.  I just don't understand how this higher level math is going to assist me later in life,” he sighed.  He had let his thoughts drift too close to his first semester, to that dark place, and he must have let his guard down and let it show on his face.  Dean laughed at Cas’ excuse about calculus.

“The old ‘why do I need math in my life’ school kid argument.  You still in high school, Cas?” he chuckled.  Cas tried a smile, but it felt forced, and judging by the subtle change in Dean’s eyes he saw it.  “You sure you’re okay?” Dean asked again.  Cas glanced at the picture of him and his siblings he had framed on his desk.  They were younger, it was the summer before Cas left for college and Anna had moved to North Carolina.  Gabriel, the shortest out of all three of them, had managed to hook his arms over Cas and Anna’s shoulders, a smirk dominating his features, and Anna was practically glowing, a bright smile on her face.  Cas was smiling too, but his annoyance at his brother was also plain as day.  There was no picture that could better show their totally unique personalities, or how much they all meant to each other.

“Just memories,” Cas said simply, turning back to Dean.  Dean raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘that’s it?’, and for the first time since it happened, he was tempted to talk about it.  He met Dean’s bright green eyes, and while he knew he could trust him, he didn't have it in him to go through that just yet.  “I'm afraid I can't talk about it, at least not yet,” he said quietly.  Dean looked as if he was going to object, but he simply nodded, turning and walking across the hall to his room.  Cas let out a breath he didn't realize he’d been holding, and slid his homework across the desk, using numbers and equations to drown out his thoughts.

 

 

As soon as Cas walked in the door at 5:30 on Thursday after class, he was accosted by Dean, who was shoving a green long sleeve button up in his face.

“C’mon get changed!!” he demanded.  “I gotta get to work and Sam got caught up in his girlfriend and forgot you need a ride!”  Cas blinked at the green fabric covering his field of vision.

“Dean, if you would calm down and let me walk in the door, this would go a lot smoother,” he sighed, taking the shirt from Dean.  He shot an annoyed look at his roommate once he could finally see him, noticing that Dean wasn't in his usual blacks he wore to work.  He was wearing his black jeans, yes, but instead of a black long sleeve shirt he was wearing a green t-shirt, with a forest green vest over top, and a green clip on bow tie.  Cas’ annoyed look changed into one of amusement.  “Though just wearing this I might be slightly underdressed,” he added, making one of his rare jokes.  Dean scowled, looking down at himself.

“Benny’s idea.  I’m the only male bartender working tonight, he wanted to make me stand out,” Dean groused.  Cas chuckled, pulling off the cream button up he wore that day to change into the green one Dean had given him.

“At least it brings out your eyes.  Thought you'd at least appreciate that Mr. Casanova,” Cas pointed out.  He turned to toss his old shirt over the couch.

“Hey!  Look at you!” Dean called.  Cas turned, frowning at Dean.

“What about me?” he asked, looking down at himself.  He was in jeans and his white tank he wore under his shirts, nothing Dean hadn't seen before.

“You never told me you’ve got some ink on you, too!” Dean said, walking back around behind Cas.  He shrugged, wondering why Dean cared so much.

“I never said I didn't,” he said simply.  Dean was pulling back the sleeve of his tank to expose his right shoulder blade.  Cas had a pair of angel's wings, done in shades of black and dark blue, tattooed across his shoulder.

“This is beautiful, Cas, your artist was amazing,” he said.  

“My brother drew the design.  He and my sister have one too, though his are a golden color, and hers is a light shade of blue and silver.”  He felt Dean release his shirt.

“Why do I get a feeling there's a story behind it,” he said gently. Cas shrugged.

“We were in the system growing up, but we’ve always kept close, and when I left for school, we decided we wanted something permanent, something to link us together.”  Dean flushed, realizing he'd stepped in something personal.

“I, uh, I didn't mean to pry,” he muttered.  Cas pulled on the green shirt, and Dean visibly relaxed.

“It's not of import, Dean.  It's just a part of my life I've accepted.”  He could practically feel the remorse coming from Dean, and he felt a need to set him at ease.  Cas did up his buttons, smiling at him reassuringly.  “Maybe I'll tell you about it, someday.”  Dean met his gaze, a smile starting to tug at the corner of his mouth.  The eye contact lingered for a moment longer than Cas normally liked, but he let it because he wanted Dean to know they were good.  “You said something about getting to work?” Cas pointed out.  Dean’s eyes widened and he started shoving Cas towards the door.

“I do!  Let's go!”

Dean drove them to Lafitte’s quickly, parking in the back of the parking lot next to the other employee’s cars.

“Now I know it's early, but Sam said he’d be here around 6:30, so you should only be on your own for about half an hour,” Dean was saying as they walked into the club.  The bouncer checked Cas’ ID against a list, then stood aside to let them in after nodding at Dean.  Cas had never been here before, and he was surprised by how clean it felt.  The decor was very New Orleans, the scattering of iron work tables on the upper level were empty, as was the rest of the club.  It appeared Cas was the only one there at the moment.  As soon as they walked in a thick southern accent was calling Dean’s name.  Cas turned and saw a man, sturdily built with a beard, slightly shorter than him but much stockier, walking up with a smile on his face.

“‘Bout time you dragged your lazy ass to work!  Diego needs help with the stage,” he called, a smile belying the accusation in his words.

“Benny, hey!  This is Cas,” Dean said, gesturing at Cas, “and Cas this is Benny.  I'll catch you later alright?” he called, rushing off towards the stage at the far end of the club.  Cas offered his hand to Benny.

“So you're Cas,” he said, shaking his hand firmly.  Benny was very masculine, and definitely authoritative.  If Cas hadn't been introduced he probably still could have guessed who he was just by how he carried himself.  “Dean talks about you a lot,” Benny added, fixing him with an appraising look.

“What does he talk about?” Cas asked, curious.  Dean was talking about Cas with his co workers?  A small self conscious feeling slipped under his skin.

“Nothing at all,” Benny laughed as he walked away.  Cas frowned, confused at his non answer, before walking over to the bar to sit and wait for Sam.

“Be with you shortly,” a small red head called, “still opening up!”  He waved in acknowledgement.  

“Take your time,” he called back with a smile.  Cas turned his attention to the stage when he heard Dean’s laugh.  He had a guitar on, and Cas could tell by the way he was watching the floor he was tuning it.  The man Cas assumed must be Diego was working on setting up microphones along the stage, and Cas vaguely remembered Dean mentioning there’d be a live band at the party.  When he set up the final mic near where Dean was standing, suddenly his voice could be heard all through the club.

“-- of a bitch!” came the tail end of Dean’s sentence.  He looked up sheepishly, but Cas was still the only non-employee there so far, so no one seemed to mind.

“Smooth, Winchester!!” the redhead called from the bar.

“Suck it, Bradbury!” Dean replied.  Cas was watching the exchange amused, and after Dean fiddled with the guitar, the sound of Dean plucking out a few chords could be heard in the club.  Diego was talking to Dean, gesturing like he was egging him on, Cas couldn't quite make out the words over the mic, and Dean smiled, playing some chords with purpose.

Then he started to sing.

 

_Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself_

_And covered with a perfect shell_

_Such a charming, beautiful exterior_

_Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes_

_Perfect posture_

_But you're barely scraping by_

_But you're barely scraping by_

_Well this is one time_

_Well this is one time_

_That you can't fake it hard enough_

_To please everyone_

_Or anyone at all, or anyone at all_

_And the grave that you refuse to leave_

_The refuge that you've built to flee_

_The places that you've come to_

_Fear the most_

_Is the place that you have come to_

_Fear the most_

 

Dean trailed off as the employees scattered around started to whistle and clap.

“Yeah, yeah, shut up you jealous ass holes,” Dean said into the mic before turning off both the mic and the guitar, setting the latter on its stand before he hopped off stage.

Cas was blown away by the melodic sound of Dean’s voice.  It wasn't what he’d expected to come from him, his normal voice usually so low and gruff sounding, to hear something so mellow come from him was unexpected.  He also wondered at the irony of the song he chose to sing, how it fit with Dean’s personality so well, yet he tried so hard to hide that part of himself.

“Not bad, is he?” the redhead said from behind Cas.  He shook himself out of his stupor.

“He's impressively good, actually,” he said, turning on his bar stool to face her.  She smiled at him.

“Well, we're all set up, what can I get you?” she asked, tying an apron around her waist and pulling her green tank top over it.

“Jack and Coke,” he said with a smile.

“Diving right in then,” she nodded.  Cas watched her mix his drink skillfully, and when she handed it to him he took a sip, nodding in approval.

“I'm not one to come to events like this, it's more as a favor to my roommate,” he pointed out.

“Liquid courage, I get that,” she said, then looked up suddenly with a huge smile on her face.  “You're Cas?!” she blurted.  He smiled.

“It seems everyone who works with Dean knows me already,” Cas sighed.  

“Oh, it's nothing bad!  He-”

“Sorry again for you having to get here so early,” Dean said, walking up next to the redhead, whose name, Cas finally saw by her name tag, was Charlie.  Dean stopped at the sink behind the bar and washed his hands.

“It's fine, Charlie and I were becoming acquainted,” he said, smiling at her.

“Your descriptions of him do not do him justice, Dean, he is WAY hotter than what you give him credit for,” she teased.  Dean’s ears turned pink and he coughed slightly.

“I'm glad I exceeded your expectations,” Cas said, taking a sip of his drink to hide his smile at Dean’s discomfort.  “And I would think you would do a better job of telling people I'm attractive, with all the times you've come onto me,” he said casually to Dean.  He was in a rare mood tonight, feeling chipper and social, and he was strangely pleased with himself.  Charlie burst out laughing as Dean’s mouth fell open, staring at Cas in stunned shock.  Yeah, Cas wasn't accustomed to telling jokes, or poking fun at people, but it didn't mean he couldn't.  It was about time Dean was the one in their friendship being surprised.

“How many drinks have you given him?” Dean asked.  Charlie pointed at the half finished drink in front of Cas, who held it up to Dean with a smile.  Dean flushed and moved away, muttering.

“I think we just became best friends,” Charlie whispered conspiratorially to Cas.  He smiled.

“I think I'd like that,” he agreed.  A few patrons started moving into the club, and both Charlie and Dean started getting busy, but Charlie dropped a new drink off for Cas when his ran out.  Sam showed up shortly after the music started playing with Jess on his elbow, walking up to take the stool next to Cas.

“Hey, sorry I didn't make it back to give you a ride,” he said, clapping Cas on the shoulder.  Sam was mildly tense, but the presence of the blonde on his arm kept him level.  Jessica was pretty, wavy blonde hair, bright smile, and Cas had always enjoyed her company.  She was intelligent, pre-med, and had a kindness in her heart that seemed to defy all the cynicism in the world.  Sam claimed he had become a better man after meeting her a year and a half ago, and after Cas met her he believed it.

“If I had known I'd have made the moose go back and get you,” Jessica said, walking around Sam to say hello to Cas via a quick hug.

“It's fine, I rode with Dean.”  He turned to Sam.  “Did you know your brother could sing?  I mean, sing well?” he asked.  Sam shrugged.

“Yeah, I guess, but outside of driving and the shower, he doesn't do it often.”  His eyes narrowed, “How do you know?”

“He was setting up the stage when we got here,” Cas said, pointing to the musicians getting set up to play.  “I'm not sure why but he started singing once he set things up.”  Sam’s eyebrows went up in impressed surprise.

“Really,” he said looking over at Dean as he walked up.

“Heya, Sammy,” Dean said with a smile.  Immediately his eyes drifted over to Jess, and he wiped his hand down before he reached across the bar to shake her hand.  “You must be the gorgeous Jessica that Sam has told me all about.”  Cas watched him become charm itself, but in a much more gentlemanly way, keeping any and all flirtation out of his voice and body language.  

“Nice to meet you, Dean,” she said politely, smiling at him.  Sam slipped an arm around her waist, not quite possessive, but not quite innocent either.  Cas watched them, slightly amused at the whole thing: Dean trying valiantly to be respectful to Jess, and Sam being slightly protective of her.

“First drink is on me,” Dean said, spreading his arms wide and smiling.

“Surprise us,” Jessica said with a wink before Sam could say anything, and Sam gave Dean the most suspicious glare as Dean mixed his drink.  Cas ducked his head so Sam wouldn't see his smile, but even though Dean had the opportunity to mess with his brother, he served relatively simple drinks to the two of them.  Cas was impressed, Dean really was trying hard for Jessica’s sake.

Watching the Winchester brothers was like reading a book you’ve already read, Cas reasoned, easily read and absorbed, with predictable outcomes.  The only difference was Cas seemed to still be missing a few of the Dean chapters, which is why he still ran into some ‘plot twists’ to keep with the analogy.

“Cas, you okay?” Dean asked, catching his eye and breaking through his musings.  Cas nodded.

“For the moment, thanks,” he said, and Dean turned away to get back to work.

After some small talk with Jess and Sam, some of Sam’s friends from his pre-law program walked up, and Cas turned his attention out into the club.  For a people watcher, this place was endless entertainment.  Cas lost himself in watching other people’s interactions, laughs between friends, arguments, the deep stares of people falling in love.  He hardly noticed time passing, sipping at whatever drink Charlie or Dean dropped off and just watching the crowd.

His gaze journeyed down the bar as well, falling on Sam, beaming with happiness every time he looked at Jess, cheeks flushing slightly every time she touched his arm or back.  Charlie, his new best friend, was all attitude, smiling and bouncing along the bar dancing to music that apparently only she could hear.

Dean was in his element, his suggestive smile and confident walk, the way he’d lean just that much farther over the bar when talking to a patron, pulling a blush out of almost everyone he spoke to, man or woman, with just a wink.  Even with his back turned to the crowd when entering orders on tabs, Cas could see in his shoulders he was dripping with confidence and testosterone.  This was his comfort zone, this was something he was good at, and he knew it.  Still, every time he stopped to fill Cas’ drink, Cas noticed he would slip just slightly out of that skin, for the briefest moment shrinking down into the Dean he had gotten to know.

Cas didn't realize just how much he'd been drinking until he stood to empty his bladder and the bar started spinning around him.  

“Whoa, easy there,” Jess giggled as he stumbled into her back.  “You alright, Cas?” she asked.  He gave her a thumbs up.

“Totally cool,” he said with a smile.  “Just have to pee like crazy,” he added, frowning slightly when he remembered why he stood in the first place.  Where was the bathroom?  He knew it was off to the right, he just couldn't figure out where right was at the moment.  Jess turned to her boyfriend, tugging on his sleeve.

“Sam, could you help Cas to the men’s room?” she asked, mildly inebriated herself, but sober enough to show concern.  Sam looked over, nodding with a chuckle when he saw how wobbly Cas was.  Thankfully Sam was still very sober.

“Yeah, come on, Cas,” he sighed, gesturing for Cas to follow.

“Don't worry, Sam, I don't need assistance using the bathroom,” Cas chuckled, blinking to try and clear his head, “I've just forgotten where it is…” He trailed off as Sam took his arm with a laugh.

“Good to know, Cas,” he groaned as Cas stumbled into him, and Sam suddenly had to take his whole weight.

“Sorry, Sam.  It seems the floor is shifting for some reason,” Cas apologized, earning another laugh from Sam.

“You know, I don't think I've ever seen you this drunk,” Sam pointed out, managing to get Cas to the men’s room, pointing him in the direction of a urinal and standing off to the side with his back slightly turned awkwardly, to give Cas some privacy.

“I don't think I've ever been this drunk,” Cas added, sighing as he emptied his bladder.  After zipping up and washing his hands, he felt a little less jelly legged, but his world was still fuzzy.

“We should probably get you home,” Sam laughed when Cas frowned at the empty paper towel dispenser, “you look like the dispenser personally offended you.”

“Why is this empty?  The owner of this establishment knew he was having an event, the least he could have done was keep his bathroom stocked,” Cas muttered, resigning himself to wiping his hands dry on his jeans.  He turned to go and the room gave another spin.  Sam caught him before he hit the rather dirty floor.

“Okay, Cas, come on,” he sighed, guiding him back out into the club.  The band was going full force now, and Cas frowned at the speakers.

“Your brother is a much better singer,” he said to Sam.  “I find the sound of this singer’s voice grating.”  Sam just smiled and kept Cas pointed at the bar, which kept shifting left to right.  A large body stepped into his field of vision, and Cas frowned at it.

“I suppose we should walk around...,” Cas muttered, turning to where he thought Sam was, only to find he wasn't there.  He shrugged and went to walk past the man, but ended up pushing past on accident, trying to keep moving towards the end of the bar before he lost track of it again.  He felt a heavy hand on his shoulder, turning him around.  The large body that had blocked his way was attached to a very angry member of the college football team.  Cas squinted up at him, trying to keep him in focus.

“You shove me, punk ass?” the guy sneered.  Cas reeled back slightly from his breath, studying the guy’s face.

“My apologies, I'm afraid I'm rather drunk.  It was not my intent to physically accost you in any way.  Though judging by your size I imagine I was not very effective at moving you.  I probably do not possess the same amount of strength you do.”  Cas looked him over again, watching the original anger fade as he blinked at Cas’ apology and subsequent rambling.  The bar gave another spin, and Cas blinked hard to try and steady himself.

“Sorry!  I'm sorry, he got away from me!” Cas heard Sam’s voice call.  The football player released Cas, Sam’s hand gripping Cas’ arm just above the elbow.

“Is this guy for real?” Football asked Sam.  “Does he always talk like that?”  Sam chuckled, pulling Cas towards the bar.

“Oh, you have no idea,” Sam sighed.  Cas tried to shrug out of Sam’s grip.

“What are you insinuating, Sam?  I thought you appreciated my honesty,” Cas mumbled.  Sam managed to get him on a bar stool, sighing heavily in relief that their adventure was over.

“I do Cas, just remember not everyone else does.”  Sam left Cas sitting there, head getting foggier by the minute.  He had no idea how long he was there, before green eyes floated into his view.

“Hey, Cas, let's get you home, okay?” Dean’s voice cut through the buzz in Cas’ ears.

“I believe that is the proper solution to my predicament,” Cas agreed.  Dean gave him a small smile, shoving a to go cup of water in his hand.

“Here, sip on this, it'll help,” Dean said, gripping Cas’ arms and pointing him at the door.

“Wait, you can't take me home,” Cas suddenly realized with a frown.  Dean laughed.

“Oh, don't worry Cas, I know you're not one to put out on a first date,” he joked.  Cas stubbornly dug his feet in once the door was in sight.

“You're working,” he said firmly.  Dean sighed.

“I was, and now I'm not.  Come on, you need to get home,” he tugged gently on Cas’ arm.

“But you shouldn't leave early because of me,” Cas said firmly.

“It's only by a couple hours, and I've made an absolute killing in tips tonight, way more than enough to make up for it.”  He steps in front of Cas to pull his eyes to Dean’s, though Cas is having a hard time focusing on anything.  “Do not make me carry you out of here,” Dean said firmly.  Cas sighed heavily and gave in to Dean’s pull this time.  Once Dean got him outside, the clear air and lack of music immediately made Cas feel slightly better, but his head still felt full of cotton, and his eyes couldn't focus.

“You don't have to take care of everyone, Dean,” Cas said as they approached the Impala.  Dean helped him into the car and walked around to climb into the driver’s seat.  “You know that, right?” Cas continued, once Dean could hear him again.  “People can take care of themselves, they have for thousands of years.  Sam, for instance, has managed not to starve to death for the six months he’s lived with me.  Since you've moved in you haven't stopped cooking for him.  Even after we were taken from my mom, me and my siblings were able to make it on our own.  I moved out and lived my own life at school, and yeah it sucked at first but I managed.  April helped.  She was so understanding, probably from losing her father a year before that.  I think I might have loved her if I had the chance.  Anna says she didn't really love me, she was just taking comfort in me for her own loss, like she felt obligated to help me through mine.  But I can take care of myself, I don't need someone in my life to help me get through it and make me happy-”

“CAS!” Dean’s voice cut through his ramblings, and he belatedly realized it wasn't the first time Dean had tried to interrupt him.  He looked out the car window and noticed they were back at the apartment.

“My apologies,” Cas said, opening the door and stumbling out of the car, managing to stay upright.  Dean still rushed around the car to guide him to the steps, and despite Cas’ protestations at being treated like a baby, Dean had to wrap a firm arm around his waist and half carry him up the stairs.  Dean let them into the apartment, walking Cas to his bedroom.

“You should probably brush your teeth,” Dean said gently.  Cas frowned, looking hard at Dean through the haze of alcohol.  He’d removed his bow tie and vest at some point, and the green in his eyes was shining with concern.

“I don't get you,” Cas decided.  Dean raised an eyebrow, laughing softly.

“You're drunk, I'm sure you don't get much right now,” he pointed out, awkwardly removing Cas’ shoes.  He needed to look at Dean, to see his eyes and his face, he just needed to understand him and all would be good with the world.  Cas reached out, cupping Dean’s face with both hands and looking at him hard.  Dean’s eyes went wide and the smile faded from his face.

“No, it's not the alcohol.”  Cas blinked hard to clear his vision.  “Every time I figure you out, you do something that throws me for a loop.  Nobody else does that, so that makes you weird.”  He narrowed his eyes, focusing on every facet of Dean’s face, the freckles dusting his nose and cheeks, the lines at the corners of his eyes, the lips that just seemed slightly too plush for a man’s.  He watched a blush creep up below his fingers, Dean’s eyes darting down to his lips before locking back onto Cas’ blue eyes.  Of course Dean would react that way to Cas’ actions.  All he was trying to do was figure him out, and Dean wanted to kiss him.  Well, at least he was restraining himself.

“Cas… buddy,” he said hoarsely, “you're drunk, and you're acting really weird.”  

“Why are you such a puzzle?  Why can't I figure out who you are?” Cas demanded.  Dean reached up and pulled Cas’ hands from his face gently.

“Will you go to bed if I tell you?” Dean sighed.  Cas nodded vigorously, which set the room spinning, and he nearly wobbled off the bed.  Dean reached out, putting a hand on his shoulder to steady him.

“I just need to know,” Cas sighed.  Dean watched him for a moment, taking a deep breath and seeming to make up his mind.

“Because the last time I was true to myself, the last time I really spoke my mind about how I felt, my dad left.  I watched it destroy my family and I swore...never again.”  Cas felt his eyes growing heavy, reaching out blindly towards Dean.

“I'm, I'm so…”  Dean’s hand met his, but only to gently lay Cas back in bed.

“Sleep it off, man,” he sighed, as Cas finally drifted into the blackness of sleep.

 

Castiel woke up, and immediately wished he was still asleep.  He rolled over to check his alarm clock, which read 10:45am.  So much for his morning classes.  He raised a hand to wipe at his eyes and and was hit with a wave of dizziness and nausea.  He stumbled out of bed and half walked half fell into his bathroom, just making it to the toilet before his stomach emptied itself.  He groaned, trying to remember how much he had to drink the night before, only to find he couldn't quite remember the night before.  He looked down to find he was shirtless aside from his tank, but he was wearing his pants from yesterday.

A soft knock that sounded loud to his pounding head came from his bedroom door.  Cas sat down on the tile, leaning on the door to his walk in shower, the cool glass soothing against his back.

“Cas?  You okay?” came Dean’s voice.  

“Bathroom,” Cas called, setting off some more pounding in his head.  His bedroom door opened and Dean came into view.  He took one look at Cas and grabbed the washcloth off his towel rack, wetting it in his sink.

“Wow, and I thought you were bad last night,” Dean said with a soft smile.  Cas closed his eyes against his headache briefly before opening them to watch Dean wring the extra water from the cloth.

“Please tell me I managed to maintain some form of dignity,” he sighed.  Dean chuckled.

“For the most part, at least while we were at the bar.”  He knelt next to Cas and reached towards his face with the cloth, and out of instinct Cas’ hand reached up to intercept it.  A flash of hurt crossed Dean’s eyes, but it was quickly shut away.

“Thank you,” Cas said gently, taking the cloth and wiping down his face and his neck.

“Need anything?” Dean asked.  There was something about him, Cas noticed.  Something that was different from yesterday.  He was looking at Cas softer, and his hand kept moving in a way that Cas thought he might reach out and touch him.  Another wave of dizziness came over him, and he leaned forward to put his head between his knees.

“I don't think I'm ever going to drink again,” he groaned.  Dean sat quietly next to him until the wave passed, only speaking against when Cas raised his head.

“What do you remember from last night?” Dean asked quietly, almost like he was afraid to hear the answer.  Cas closed his eyes and tried to think back.  

“I remember getting to the bar, meeting Charie, your singing-” he was cut off by an embarrassed cough from Dean, but ignored it and pushed through.  “Sam’s friends showed up and I zoned out on the crowd…”  Cas pushed at the fuzz in his head.  “I really had to pee, and Sam helped me to the bathroom, but after that I can't remember much detail.”  He glanced up to see a mixture of relief and disappointment on Dean’s face.  “What is it?” he asked.  

“Nothing, Cas.  It's alright.”  Dean’s words and voice said one thing, but his eyes were saying another.  The ache in Cas’ head was pounding too much to worry about Dean at the moment, he needed to get out of these clothes and in a shower.

“If you’ll excuse me, Dean, I need a little privacy,” he sighed, managing to get to his hands and knees without incident.  Dean hovered until Cas managed to close the lid on the toilet and lift himself up to sit on it.

“I'll see about something to eat, then,” Dean said.  He paused before leaving the bathroom, looking back at Cas like he wanted to say something, but changed his mind and left, closing the door behind him.

Cas leaned heavily against the counter as he lifted himself to his feet.  The puking must have helped, because the room didn't spin nearly as bad anymore.  He turned on the shower water and, once he’d stripped out of his clothes, he climbed into the welcoming hot stream, letting it help soothe away his fuzziness.

Judging from Dean’s reaction to him this morning, something happened last night, and it was actually bothering Cas that he couldn't remember.  The hurt in Dean's eyes when Cas stopped him from touching him was the newest of all.  What boundary had they crossed last night?

Once he was showered, dried, and dressed, he made his way out to the kitchen.  There were two large glasses of water, a glass of apple juice, a banana, and a plate of eggs sitting out for him on the table.  He was taken back by Dean’s thoughtfulness, but not by the fact he knew just what to do for a hangover.  That he figured Dean would be an expert at.

“You're looking a bit better already,” Dean said casually from the kitchen where he was washing the dishes.

“I feel a bit better,” Cas agreed.  He downed one of the cups of water before starting in on his breakfast.  He almost immediately started to feel better once he had some liquids and food in his stomach, and when he’d finished everything, he sipped at the second glass of water, watching Dean.  When he'd finished with the dishes, he’d started cleaning the stove, then the counters, almost like he was looking for an excuse to stay in the kitchen while Cas was eating.  He didn't look at Cas once, but that by itself told Cas he was purposefully not looking over at him.  Cas stood, taking his dishes to the sink, leaning on the counter and fixing Dean with his eyes.

“Need anything else?” Dean asked, finally looking up at Cas.

“If I ask you a question, can I get an honest answer?” Cas asked.  Dean swallowed, but nodded.

“Of course, Cas.”

“What happened with us last night?”  Dean’s eyes found the counter, taking a moment before locking back up at Cas’.

“You really don't remember?”  Cas searched back through his memory again, a car ride coming back to him.  

“You drove me home,” Cas said with confidence.  “I imagine we talked, when I drink I usually have trouble restraining myself from speaking-”  He stopped when Dean chuckled.

“You couldn't _stop_ , Cas.  You just kept going and going.”  Dean swallowed hard, and knowing Cas was going to ask him what he said he just started explaining.  “You were going on about me, about how I don't have to take care of everyone.  You, uh, started talking about your family, about your mom...”  Cas felt surprised, but didn't let it show on his face.  No, that wasn't how he wanted Dean to find out about that.  “I tried to snap you out of it, but it was like you were lost in your own head.”  Cas looked away, unable to meet Dean’s eyes through fear Dean might see something in them.  

“I apologize, Dean, it was not my intent to make you uncomfortable.”  Dean laughed softly.

“Cas, you have nothing to apologize for.  I should have cut you off the booze way before I did, but it was so busy last night…”  Cas scrubbed a hand over his face, realizing he needed a shave pretty badly.

“I'm assuming you also put me to bed.  Thank you for your help,” Cas sighed.  Dean fidgeted a moment, his embarrassment the same as Cas’, but Dean was much worse at hiding it.  Dean settled his hands at his sides, taking a deep breath.

“Cas, you, uh, if you weren't you, I would have sworn you almost kissed me last night.”  Cas froze, his breath catching in his throat.  Even drunk, he would never have done that, would he?  

“What happened?” he asked, surprised at how calm his voice was.

“You didn't, don't panic, but you were telling me how I confuse you, and you reached out and touched my face… It was weird, man,” Dean finished with a breathy, embarrassed laugh.  Cas closed his eyes, and thought back, now that the fog had mostly cleared.  He tried to picture himself reaching out to touch Dean, hand against his skin, and like a light bulb turning on, he could remember the feeling.  He’d held Dean’s face in his hands, he could see the almost panicked look in Dean’s eyes when Cas’ fingers took hold of him.

“Dean, I’m afraid my actions while intoxicated were a bit out of character.”  He took a deep breath.  “I hope this doesn't change our friendship, it was not my intent to make things awkward between us.”  Another memory stirred, the words Dean said to him just before he fell asleep, about what happened to his family.  

“No worries, Cas.  And next time I'll make sure to cut you off way earlier,” Dean laughed.  Cas looked over and met Dean’s eyes, not shying away from their intensity.

 “Maybe when I tell you about my tattoo, you can tell me about your father,” he said quietly.  Dean’s eyes opened wide, a small fear passing over his face.

“You remember now?” Dean gasped out.

“Not everything, but I do remember that.”  They stood in silence for a good few minutes.  

“Yeah,” Dean finally said, clearing some roughness out of his throat and nodding.  “I'd like to talk to you about that someday.”  Cas nodded.

“Dean, I know I said you don't have to take care of everyone, but thank you for taking care of me.”  He said it so quietly he wasn’t sure it actually came out until Dean’s hand briefly squeezed his shoulder.

“Anytime, Cas,” he said, walking out of the kitchen and down the hall to his bedroom.

As Cas pulled out his phone to email his professors about class that morning, he reasoned that what could have been an awful night had ended up as a bonding experience for him and Dean.  He felt a smile pull at his lips when he found himself thinking that maybe it was even worth missing class for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of love my little drunken Cas XD
> 
> Thank you for reading everyone, brace yourself for some feels in the next chapter!! (Sorry, not sorry)


	4. Chapter Four- Between Brothers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished editing!! Off to work on CH 5 now!

The month of April was drawing to a close faster than Castiel would have liked. With the last day of classes only a week away, and a term paper due in almost every class, he spent most of his time holed up at his desk studying. What little free time he did have was usually spent in the living room watching TV or movies, since he was too exhausted to go out. Now that she had met Dean, Jess was coming over to their place every now and again instead of Sam leaving for her apartment all the time. Whatever magic switch Dean flipped to keep from flirting with Cas, he also kept firmly flipped when she was around, and after the fourth visit, Sam finally relaxed, and that small show of trust helped them get along much better, which helped Cas with his schoolwork.

Charlie started visiting as well, insisted on coming over to see Cas before Dean left for work on a pretty regular basis. Charlie was loud, sarcastic, and a real social butterfly, and amazingly she and Cas got on very well. She had a habit of telling it like it is, though unlike Cas, she did it on purpose, and often would team up with Cas against whatever unfortunate soul happened to be in their presence. Usually that poor soul was Dean, and though he would feign indignance and anger, Cas could see in his eyes he enjoyed it.

Collectively, Cas spent more time in the living room during the month after the St. Patrick's party than he had since they'd moved in. Due to this new socialization, Cas started seeing more of Dean as well, not just the girls. Dean would get up early enough before work to actually eat a meal and make conversation, and some nights he even came straight home, managing to make it in as Cas was finishing a long night of school work. There was a dramatic decrease in the amount of late shifts for Dean, and when Cas asked about it, he embarrassingly told him it was because he was singing. After a few more times showing off during karaoke nights, Benny had offered to pay him to do a tiny music set before karaoke started on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and his hours had adjusted to accommodate his performances. Sam gave him a load of grief when Cas spilled the beans, but he could hear the pride in Sam's voice.

On the Friday before their last week of classes, two weeks before finals, Cas had just finished dinner and was three pages in on a five page paper for philosophy when a sudden argument broke out in the living room. Normally when the brothers fought he paid it no mind, but this time something in their voices made Cas notice. He stood, pulling his door all the way open from where it was cracked, sticking his head out into the hallway.

"I can't _believe_ you, Dean!"

"Sam, he's our dad! Would it kill you to show a little fucking respect?!"

"I never understood this, never. How can you even-"

"He's blood Sam!"

"That doesn't make him family!!" Cas was used to small arguments between the brothers, but this was a whole new type of anger. He'd never heard either of them get to this level before, not just in volume but in cold fury. Cas cautiously made his way down the hallway, peering around the wall to watch what was happening. Dean was in his pajamas still, a tank and some basketball shorts, and Sam was dressed for a date, long sleeve button up and some slacks.

"I get why you're angry at him, believe me, but come on," Dean appeared to be trying to convince Sam of something. He was blocking the door, arms out at his sides, his face flush from the yelling.

"I can't believe you're even asking me this," Sam sighed, shaking his head. The drop in volume was almost worse than the yelling. "I've gotta say, I thought you knew me better than that." Sam's face was all cold anger, his jaw set so tightly Cas was afraid his teeth might shatter.

"I'm sorry, I thought maybe you wanted some closure. For Christ's sake he's a person, not some demon."

"Closure? He ruined our family, Dean. You were more of a father than he ever was."

"Yeah, well, who do you think I was trying to be like, huh?"

"Oh, and great job, too. Drunken one night stands, inability to settle down, stubborn pride. You're just fucking like him."

"Because you're so goddamned perfect!"

"At least I know how to be in a relationship, Dean!" Dean crossed his arms over his chest, and Cas could see how he struggles to mask how much that last statement hurt him.

"You're really going to do this, aren't you?" Dean groaned, bitterness in his voice. "Just fucking pretend he doesn't exist-"

"You know what, Dean?" Sam interrupted, getting up in his brother's face. Cas hoped no one would start swinging, he was useless in a fight. _Wait, why does that matter?_ "I wish he would just hurry up and die, because then I don't have to deal with this bullshit anymore." The shock was obvious on Dean's face, and Sam took the opportunity to push past him and out the door. Cas pulled his phone out of his pocket, sending Jess the fastest text he'd ever sent.

_You: Hey, I don't know if he's on his way, or if he's blowing off steam, but Sam just left the apt extremely pissed. You might want to call him._

_Jess: What happened?_

_You: I'm not sure, I believe it's something to do with their father_

_Jess: Holy shit, ok. Keep an eye on Dean, too._

Cas wondered why for a moment, then looked up to see Dean staring at him.

"Can I help you, Cas?" he snapped, and Cas could almost feel the anger rolling off of him in physical waves.

"I just- I heard-" he was stammering, something he hardly ever did. Dean's anger was getting under his skin, and he didn't like it. Even though Dean was the one almost in his underwear, Cas felt exposed, crossing his arms to hide his own discomfort.

"Yeah, well, no one asked you, did they?" Dean shouted, pushing Cas into the hallway wall as he walked past into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Cas felt the sting where his shoulder had hit the corner of the hallway, but it was nothing compared to the hurt he felt for Dean. He was at a total loss on what to do, nothing he'd ever seen in his friend had prepared him for this. Also adding to his unexpected turmoil was the fact that he _cared_ this much about helping Dean. He was at a total and complete loss on how to deal with himself and the situation as a whole, so he stood in the hallway, confused, holding onto his bruised shoulder. He didn't move except to look up when Dean left his room ten minutes later.

"Dean-" Cas started, but he cut himself off. Dean was wearing his nicest khaki slacks, a tight black tee shirt, and he had pulled a black leather jacket on. His hair was styled up into an almost comb over, and the whiff of cologne Cas caught was potent. Dean was going _hunting_.

"You got something to say?" he asked, and while Cas might not have had a grasp on Dean's situation, he knew going out just to have sex was not a solution to any problem.

"I don't think this is a good idea," Cas said quietly. Dean crowded him up against the wall, his shoulder hitting it again, sending a small jolt of pain up his arm before his back went flat, Dean's hands boxing him in as he crowded into Cas' space, a predatory look in his eyes.

"You're in my way," he growled, the brunt of his anger focused in on Cas. For the first time since he met him, he appreciates how much stronger Dean is, from his afternoons in the gym, and his time working on his car. It was easy to forget just how much muscle was hiding under his jacket. For the first time in a _very_ long time, Cas felt fear. He was afraid of what Dean might do to him in this angry haze, because while he was by no means weak or slim, he was no match for an anger driven Dean.

Cas needed to get a hold of himself, letting another person get to him like this just wasn't _normal_ for him.

"Dean, please, just stop," Cas said, keeping his face and voice steady and calm, in spite of the fact his heart was pounding in his throat. "This anger, it isn't you-" He was cut off as Dean took another step closer, mere inches separating their chests.

"How the fuck would you know, huh?" he hissed. Cas took a steady breath.

"Because I know you," he said softly. Dean didn't respond, and Cas watched his turmoil playing behind his eyes. Having Dean's body nearly pressed against his made him want to squirm to get away, Dean was too close and the cologne was itching at Cas' throat. It was too near to being intimate, and after April he hadn't let anyone outside his siblings this far in his personal space. He tried a step to the side, but Dean's hand clenched into a fist against the wall and Cas froze, his stomach giving an unpleasant twist. _Relax_ , he thought to himself.

Dean's eyes softened for just a second, and Cas started to worry he'd let some of his own emotion into his eyes. Was he really so affected he couldn't keep a straight face? Dean leaned in closer, his breath hot on Cas' cheek, setting a wave of unpleasant goosebumps down Cas' arms, but suddenly his eyes met Cas' and hardened again. He pushed back from Cas, turning for the door.

"Don't wait up," he growled, walking out the front door and slamming it behind him. Cas felt his knees give out, and he slid down the wall to crouch on the floor. When he raised his hand he noticed it was trembling.

_What the hell?!_

The adrenaline pumping in his system from Dean's actions was both unexpected and unpleasant. He hadn't felt that scared in a long time, and all he could think about was he _shouldn't_ have been. This was Dean, he knew the anger he saw there wasn't really him, he was hurt by what his brother had said. Having him that deep in Castiel's personal space, all full of anger and emotion, that was the more likely cause for his strange hysteria. Knowing that was probably all it was, Cas' limbs stopped shaking, but the pounding in his chest hadn't cooled. He pulled his contacts up on his phone and dialed his sister, needing her to help calm him down.

"Castiel! How are classes going?" Anna asked when she answered, but when he didn't answer right away she sobered up immediately. "What's wrong?" she demanded.

"Dean and Sam, they uh, they got in an argument." Cas felt a surge of relief hearing her voice, and it helped him get his emotions back under control. He was being childish and ridiculous, and he needed to get over it. His heartbeat had calmed as had his voice. "Dean took some of his anger out on me."

"Did he hurt you? Are you okay?" she asked urgently. Cas rolled his shoulder, he knew he'd have a bruise but it wasn't bad.

"I'm fine, Anna. I was just a little startled," he said calmly.

"I can call Gabe, you know he'll drop everything-"

"No," Cas insisted. The last thing he wanted was to be babied by his brother. "I just... needed to hear your voice," he sighed. "You know how hard it was for me after April left, and how much I struggle to deal with people. Dean threw me out of my comfort zone, but I'm okay now."

"Are you sure? Cas if he did something-"

"He didn't, and I'm sure," he said firmly. "I'm more embarrassed that it bothered me than anything." He hadn't figured on Anna panicking, maybe he should have called after calming down a bit more.

"Okay, Cas. If you're sure." She paused for a moment. "What happened?"

"I don't really know," Cas said, lifting himself up off the floor. "I think it was about their father, but I didn't catch the beginning of the conversation."

"If it's family related, why were you even involved in the first place?" she asked curiously.

"I live here," Cas said simply. "Walked out of my room and into the middle of it." Cas wondered why he _had_ left his room. Thinking back he had no good reason to go out and see what was happening, it wasn't his business.

"Maybe you've become better friends than you realize," Anna suggested.

"Yeah, maybe," Cas sighed, wondering what made these two brothers so different than anyone else he'd ever met. Sam and Dean _were_ his friends, and he had so few of them over the years maybe he'd simply forgotten what it could be like. While keeping people at arm's length came easy to Cas, letting people in wasn't something he was accustomed to. Could Cas really do this? Break completely out of his comfort zone to _help_ the Winchesters? Because the more he thought about it, the more he realized that's what he wanted to do.

"Cas?" Anna said gently, and he realized he'd been quiet for a while.

"I'm still here," he said, taking in a deep breath and letting it out. "To be honest, Anna, I know I shouldn't get involved, and six months ago I wouldn't have. But they're my friends, and I want to help them. Do you-" he paused, a nervous honesty creeping into his voice, "do you think I'm ready for this?" A small pause.

"I do, Cas," she answered in a firm voice.

He had always had Anna to fall back on, even Gabriel could be kind and helpful when he wanted. Cas wouldn't have made it this far without his siblings, and with Anna's approval, he was determined to help Sam and Dean repair their relationship. First things first, he needed to get to Dean and talk to him about his anger.

"You're planning something, aren't you?" Anna said, a small laugh in her voice. "Cas, you have a big heart when you want to, just don't let it hurt you, okay?"

"I will be careful, Anna, but Sam and Dean need help, and I'm in the unique position to be able to do that."

"Alright, just be careful, Cas. Love you little brother," she said gently.

"I love you, too, Anna. I'll call if I need anything."

"Bye, Castiel." He hung up, walking back to his room to gather up his wallet and apartment keys. He paused for a deep breath, closing his eyes to think. He didn't have any idea what to do next, this part of being friends, of intervening and helping, he wasn't used to this, and every old habit in him was begging him to sit at his desk and just finish his paper.

 _Just go find Dean,_ he resolved, pushing the last of his doubt aside. Judging by the outfit he left in, Cas had a sense of where he might be going. Cas pulled out his phone and made a short list of all the bars in the area, places he had a feeling Dean would frequent when looking for sex, ranking them most to least likely. Now that he had a course of action, that was when Cas realized he didn't have a car. He pulled out his phone, texting Charlie.

_You: Would you happen to be busy?_

_Charlie: Just finished with a boss fight. What's up, Castiel of perfect timing?_

Even with all that was happening, Cas couldn't stop his smile.

_You: I need your assistance in locating Dean._

_Charlie: ..... Why?_

_You: Because he's angry and upset, and I'm afraid he might do something he'll regret._

He didn't get a response for a few minutes, and he sat down at a chair in the dining room to wait, constantly checking his phone for her response. It finally buzzed in his hand after ten minutes.

_Charlie: Getting in the car. What happened?_

_You: Big argument with his brother, not sure what about. He was irrationally angry, nearly assaulted me._

_Charlie: OMG CAS! You okay?!?!?_

_Charlie: Be there ASAP_

_You: I'm fine._

He stopped getting messages from her and figured she was driving. As he pulled his shoes on, he started to have second thoughts about what exactly he was doing. What if he made things worse by interrupting Dean when he obviously had one _specific_ goal in mind? What if Dean wouldn't let him help? Did he even know what he was going to say?A knock on the door breaks through his musings, and he walks over to answer.

"Hey, Charlie, thank you for coming," he sighed. She nodded, bouncing nervously on her toes, concern all over her face.

"Anything for my boys. What happened exactly?" Cas hesitated.

"He and Sam were shouting about something, but this wasn't their normal fight this was... deeper, I guess. Sam stormed off after saying some hurtful things, and I've never seen Dean so angry. He actually shoved me against the wall, like in a tv show or something." He looked over at her and the shock on her face was overwhelming her concern. It was good to know he wasn't the only one that thought this was out of character for Dean.

"Are you okay?" she asked, looking him over like she was expecting to see some big wound oozing blood or broken bones.

"I'm fine," he assured her. "I'm just worried about Dean." She nodded, gesturing back downstairs towards the parking lot.

"Then let's get going," she sighed.

It took them four tries, in progressively seedy bars, before Cas and Charlie made their way into a hole in the wall pub a few miles south of campus. Cas cringed at the dim lighting and dirty feeling to the place, but he shook it off and walked in after Charlie.

"This is the last place on the list, Cas. If he's not here he might have already gone home with someone," Charlie warned. Cas nodded, and started peering through the crowd as they walked towards the bar. Cas was beginning to suspect Charlie was correct, that they'd missed Dean for the night. The patrons were looking at him oddly, and he had to admit that he and Charlie were hardly this place's normal clientele. Between his slacks and button up, and Charlie's Star Wars t-shirt, they were very out of place with the leather and classic rock memorabilia most of the patrons were wearing.

"Maybe we should call off the search for tonight," Cas admitted when a particularly surly man glared at him suspiciously. Charlie nodded at him, but as she turned to head back towards the door she froze and grabbed Cas' arm. He looked down at her in confusion, then followed her gaze down the bar to a dark corner where Dean was nursing a drink. An unexpected wave of relief washed over Cas as he caught sight of him, and he and Charlie made their way through the dark room to reach him.

"Was wondering' if you'd see me," Dean mumbled when they walked up. Charlie grabbed his chin and turned his face towards her, assessing him before pulling her hand back.

"At least you're not totally plastered. You had us worried sick!" she said sharply. Dean's eyes wandered over her shoulder to Cas briefly before focusing in on Charlie.

"Us? Or just you?" he sighed. She frowned, and Cas felt slightly stung by Dean's words. Cas hadn't expected himself to care, but to know that Dean also thought he wouldn't care for some reason hurt more.

"Both of us," Charlie insisted. "We want to help, Dean." He laughed, bitterly.

"I'm perfectly fine. I didn't know that when I go out for a drink it becomes a crisis."

"You're here to drink yourself into a stupor and find a warm body to screw around with," Charlie countered, still frowning.

"Or a couple warm bodies. Maybe at the same time," he laughed, giving Charlie a roguish wink. Cas felt his own brow furrowing, and knew Charlie had anger all over his face.

“Seriously inappropriate,” Charlie scolded.  Cas felt his own brow furrowing, and knew Charlie had anger all over her face.  

“What?  Can't take a joke?” Dean laughed bitterly, downing the rest of his drink.

“Not ones made by a smart ass in bad taste,” Charlie scoffed.

“No one asked you to be here,” Dean snapped back.

"Don't be a dick, Dean," Charlie scolded, crossing her arms. "You're dodging the topic and you know it." Dean turned away from the bar, rotating on his stool until he was leaning his back on the bar, facing the two of them with a darker version of his normal cocky smile.

"Sorry, Charlie, I forget you're not into dick," he muttered darkly. The slap of Charlie's hand hitting Dean's face was loud in the dark bar, and a few of the patrons turned to stare at them. Cas was blinking at Charlie in stunned surprise, unprepared for her violent outburst, but not necessarily blaming her for it.

"You know what, Dean? You can piss off," she said with a tremor in her voice. "You want to live your life like this, fine, but know this is the last time I try to help." She looked up at Cas, hurt in her eyes, but it wasn't about what Dean said to her. Charlie had never shrunk away from her sexuality, and would joke about it as much as the next person. No, this hurt was more on Dean's behalf, something just short of pity. "Sorry, I can't deal with him like this. I've seen it before and I just..." She gave Cas an apologetic look before turning and storming from the bar. Her pain struck a chord with Castiel, and he felt a brief, sharp anger at Dean.

"Still here, Cas?" Dean said grumpily, rubbing at his cheek. Her slap had sobered him some, but the dark look hadn't left his face.

"I should just leave you here," Cas said calmly. "That was rude, even for you."

"Have you met me?" Dean muttered, gesturing at himself, "I'm nothing but bad news and a quick fuck." He went to turn back to the bar, and Cas reached out, pulling him back around by his shoulder, none too gently.

"Stop, Dean," Cas said simply. Dean scowled.

"You gonna tell me again how this isn't me, Cas? You don't really know me as well as you think," he spat, a glare on his face. Cas studied him for a moment, until Dean subconsciously squirmed under his stare. Dean was baiting him, trying to get him angry, or emotional at least, the expectant look on his face told Cas as much. Cas took a deep breath, keeping calm and not rising to the bait, but letting some small annoyance seep through, just to show Dean he meant business.

"You're right, I don't know you as well as I could," he said simply, an unspoken invitation for Dean to talk about what happened hanging between them. Dean blinked, the edge taken off his anger, and he dropped his gaze.

"Cas, you don't want to know me," he sighed, the small creases on his forehead returning. _That's not true,_ Cas found himself thinking. "Just leave me be," Dean sighed.

"Come back to the apartment, Dean. You're drunk and upset, and not in the right head space to make good decisions," Cas said coolly. Dean looked him up and down, and after meeting Cas' annoyed face, any anger left on Dean's face melted into regret. Cas kept his gaze level as he stared at him, letting Dean be the one to finally break away.  Dean rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, looking at the empty cup on the bar before sighing deeply, pulling his wallet out and dropping some cash for his tab.  When he looked back at Cas he looked utterly defeated.

“Yeah, I-...let’s go,” he muttered, wobbling slightly when he stood. There was a hitch in his voice, like the crack before a person cries, and it was a sound Cas never expected to hear from someone like Dean. Cas had frozen at the sound of the emotion in Dean's voice, and was also stunned that Dean wasn’t putting up more of a fight. Dean kept his eyes downcast, fishing hurriedly in his pocket and handing Cas his car keys, hunching his shoulders and walking to the door. It was the polar opposite of the usual strut Dean walked around with, he was trying to hide and make himself smaller, as opposed to trying to catch everyone's attention. Cas had to chase after him through the bar when his brain finally caught up, following him out to the Impala. He let Dean in the passenger seat, climbing into the driver's side, feeling incredibly nervous about driving the big muscle car. He knew how important Dean's car was to him, and he knew Dean would be just a bit pissed if something happened to his 'Baby'.

As Cas started the engine, gently easing her into reverse and pulling out of the parking lot, another concern dominated his thoughts. The fact that Dean would not only give in to head home so quickly, but just sat back and let Cas drive without argument, just showed what a bad place Dean was in. He didn't have context for the fight between him and Sam, and the not knowing was overcoming any original hesitation Cas had felt about trying to reach out to Dean.

Cas didn't help Dean up the stairs, but he kept a close eye on him in case he stumbled. He wasn't surprised that Sam wasn't home, it was likely he would be spending the next few days at Jess' apartment. Dean made his way to his room, pushing the door open and dropping face first onto his mattress. Cas went to his bedroom, satisfied that at least Dean was home, he could talk to him once he'd sobered up.

Cas dropped into his desk chair with a heavy sigh, checking the time on his phone. It was almost 2am, no wonder he was exhausted. He stood and pulled off his long sleeve shirt and dropped his pants, leaving them where they fell on the floor. Usually he was pretty picky about keeping his room clean, but he was too tired tonight. He started walking over to his dresser in his boxers and tank to find pajamas, but gave up halfway there and just crawled into bed in his underwear, falling asleep the moment he hit the pillow.

 

He woke up after what felt like minutes, rolling over to see the clock reading 6:35am. He groaned, wishing he could go back to sleep, but his body was awake, and once awake it would stay awake. He rolled out of bed muttering curses at his inability to sleep in. After peeing, he walked into the hallway, intending to get the coffee started, when he noticed Dean's door was halfway open. He paused, torn between the safe, normal option of just walking by and heading to the kitchen, or the 'new' Castiel option and checking in on his friend.

With a resigned sigh, he pushed Dean's door open slightly to stick his head in.

"Dean?" he whispered, not really expecting an answer. "Dean?" he tried again. Still nothing from the mound on Dean's bed. Figuring he was still sleeping off the night before, Cas turned to go.

Then a soft sob escaped Dean's blanket. Swallowing down his hesitation, Cas turned around and pushed his roommate's door open.

Cas stepped inside Dean's room, looking around, really seeing it closely for the first time. It was tidy, but a bit chaotic compared to Cas' room. Books were scattered around on his dresser, and a small lounge chair sitting in the corner was full of clothes. A few family pictures were framed and hanging from his wall, him and his brother, his mom, and a few other faces Cas didn't recognize. There were small knick knacks all over, souvenirs Dean had picked up through his life, that Cas was sure meant something to Dean, even if Cas didn't quite understand their meaning or value.

He turned his attention to the mound of blankets on the bed. He walked closer slowly, moving around to sit on the floor, leaning on the wall opposite the wall his bed was pressed against. There were no other chairs in Dean's room, and in case the mound of clothing in the chair was clean, he didn't really want to throw it on the floor.

"I'm here," Cas said softly. The blankets shifted, and Dean's disheveled head poked out from underneath. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were red, but the unmasked pain on his face was what Cas noticed the most. He'd only seen pain like that in someone's eyes once before, and he shook away the memories it dragged up.

"Cas-" Dean croaked, coughing to clear his throat. "What are you doing?"

"I don't really know. I guess I want to help, I'm just not sure how," Cas sighed, hugging his knees to his chest, watching those sad green eyes follow his movement. Dean’s eyes were full of a sad wonder, like he couldn't figure out what Cas was, and Cas had to suppress his embarrassment at being in nothing but his boxers and tank while Dean stared at him. Dean sat up, his shirtless torso and tattoos coming into view as the blanket fell down. He propped himself up against the headboard, resting his head heavily against it.  He took a few deep breaths, like he was about to speak up and say something, but after three tries, his shoulders slumped deeper into his bedding.

"Guess we're at a standstill, because I don't know how to ask for help," Dean mumbled. Cas looked up at Dean's face, and as he watched, Dean crumbled and broke, shattering before Cas' eyes. Dean's head bowed to his chest, a single, horribly painful sob escaping him that choked off into silence. Cas wasn't sure what to do, but Dean was in so much pain, he had to do something. He stood, making his way to Dean's bed, perching on the edge next to him. Dean curled up into a ball, falling over on his side as he cried, shoulders heaving and gasping for breath, his knees resting just behind Cas' back. Cas had cried like this once before, the silent crying where it hurts so much, you can't hardly breathe. Cas shut off his brain, shut off anything that had to do with his personal discomfort, reaching out to rest his hand on Dean's shoulder. Dean's body was shaking as he cried without holding back, letting go of his emotions completely.

He didn't know what else to do, how else to help him, but it was obvious this was a long time coming, and Cas began to suspect that the argument with his brother had less to do with the actual reason Dean was upset last night.

Cas sat with Dean until he stopped crying, his heaving chest slowing into longer, shaking breaths. Cas removed his hand from Dean's shoulder, but it was captured by Dean's hand before he pulled it away.

"Thank you," Dean said quietly. His voice was raw, but grateful. "I know this isn't your comfort zone, and I'm sorry-"

"Don't apologize," Cas said gently. Dean released his hand, rolling over onto his back and stretching out behind Cas, his hands resting on his stomach. His eyes were unfocused, looking up at his ceiling without really seeing it.  Cas’ gaze was drawn to the tattoos again, such personal expressions of Dean’s soul written right on his skin for everyone to see.. The first one, _Family,_ closest to his heart, was right now letting him down. Cas turned his gaze back to Dean’s face as Dean struggled with his internal thoughts. Naked emotion rolled across his features, pain, worry, anxiety, Dean was making no effort to hide them from Cas. Dean took a deep breath, and the look on his face said he was steeling himself for something.

"My dad was awesome when I was little," Dean started talking, and Cas pulled himself a little higher on the bed to get comfortable. He had a sudden feeling this was going to be a while. "The best dad you could ask for. He was so happy when Sammy was born, I can remember how excited he was. We were inseparable, he taught me how to play sports, how to fish. It was pretty close to perfect. Well, he and mom would fight, like normal couples, and I was a kid, so I didn't think much of it, you know?" Dean paused, taking a deep breath. "Then he started drinking. Sam had just turned five a few weeks before the first time he didn't come home. It was just a night, but I remember how upset mom was. One night became three, then a week. After a while it turned into a month. Mom would shout herself hoarse at him, and he would promise never again, and she always took him back, knowing he was lying." Dean cleared his throat, lying there silently for a few minutes, but Cas didn't say anything, just let him think.

"I wasn't really old enough to understand why dad was leaving," Dean continued, "all I could see was how much it was hurting mom. So I tried to be him, to do what I could to take care of my mom and Sam. Sam was so hurt, he couldn't understand why dad didn't want to be with us. He would ask me, each time he came crawling home smelling like booze, if dad would stay this time. And dad always said he would, but he never did." A sad smile came and went over Dean's face. "I had to take care of Sammy, I had to be strong for him, man up and take on that responsibility. It didn't matter what I wanted, not anymore. Sam came first." Dean dropped one hand to the bed, squeezing the blanket tightly. "One night, when dad had been home for a couple weeks, I-" Dean's voice broke, and he swallowed hard. "I had a go at him, telling him how pissed I was, how horrible it was he kept hurting mom... I know I said some pretty awful things. I was 14, I was angry, and I just wanted my dad, you know?" Dean was trembling, his other hand shaking where it rested on his stomach. "He- he hit me, for the first time. I never thought- I never...your parent isn't supposed to-..." Some more tears were leaking from the corners of his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," Cas said gently, his heart hurting for Dean. Dean nodded to show he heard him.

"He left for good that time. Mom packed us up and moved us in with a family friend, Bobby. Sam took it hard, blaming dad for everything, hating him for hurting me, for hurting mom. He swore he'd never see him again." Dean clenched his fist tightly. "I felt the same way for years, but he's my dad. So when I turned 18, I started looking for him. Took me two years, but I finally found him. He was remorseful, but his habits hadn't changed, and I think that's when I figured out there was no way he'd be a part of our lives again. We talk or visit on his birthday each year, sometimes around the holidays, but not much, and not for long." He swallowed hard, setting his jaw. "It's Sam's birthday in a week, May 2nd, and dad sometimes calls me, but when he called ..." Dean's voice choked off, and Cas' hand, without him even meaning to do it, reached out and took hold of Dean's hand where it rested on his stomach. Dean's sad green eyes met Cas', and Cas knew.

"He's dying, isn't he?" Cas said gently. Dean nodded, another tear running down his temple to soak into his pillow.

"Yesterday, I asked Sam if maybe he'd like to come see dad this time, let dad wish him happy birthday... I didn't tell him dad is...you know... I didn't want to guilt him into it. Then he says-" Dean's voice dissolves into a sob, and Dean squeezes Cas' hand like a vice.

"I heard him," Cas soothes. It's like the final puzzle piece has slotted into place in Cas' head. Dean spent most of his life raising his brother, being that strong support for him that he could look up to, that he could trust, and in doing so, Dean had lost himself. Cas could see his contradictions where his caring and gentle nature was competing with the strong personality he had to show the world. All he knew how to do was pretend to be that person, the flirt with the attitude, only letting the people in he trusts. _And he must trust so few..._

Cas wondered when he'd been accepted into that small circle.

"What Sam said about me... he's not wrong, Cas," Dean sighed, wiping at his eyes with the hand Cas wasn't holding. "About the sex and stuff. I'm not relationship material, I never have been.  I tried, last year, with this girl named Lisa. She even had a kid, and I tried so hard to be that person, to be..." He huffed what might have been a laugh. "I almost proposed, Cas. But I wasn't in love with her, not the way she deserved. Not the way I wanted to be if I was going to spend my life with someone. So I left, and moved in here, because I had nowhere else to go."

"I'm glad you did," Cas says without hesitation. Dean focuses in on him, confusion on his face.

"Really? After all the shit I put you through in the beginning, after making you chase after me last night like a little kid?" Dean's so totally dumbfounded it almost makes Cas laugh.

"Really. The puzzle and conundrum you presented me gave me a new challenge, and a new perspective, I believe." He feels the right corner of his mouth start to pull up into a smile. "I haven't had many close friends in my life, outside of my siblings anyway, it was a rare find meeting your brother." He met Dean's eyes. "Finding out you were just as kind and welcoming made for a wonderful surprise. And goes to show you can't trust first impressions." Dean's cheeks flushed slightly, and the pain in his eyes started to fade.

"I was pretty awful," he sighed. They sit in a comfortable silence as Dean's emotions even out. Their proximity and the fact they're still holding hands was poking at the back of Cas' brain, trying to get his attention and make him move, but the need to help Dean overpowered it for the time being. And suddenly...

"It makes sense to me now," Cas added, finishing the thought out loud.

"What does?" Dean asked, sounding more tired than upset anymore.

"Now that I know about your father, I understand why you act the way you do. Why you put on airs, why you avoid commitment-"

"Am I afraid I'll turn into my dad?" Dean jested, not quite smiling, but the joke meant he was at least slightly better. His eyes had cleared and his breathing had leveled out.

"No," Cas said matter of factly, hoping that after Dean unloaded his life story to Cas, he'd at least be ready to hear this. "You're afraid to be the one who needs someone, because you're the one your family needed when they were breaking. You're afraid to need someone so much that losing them would tear you apart." He watched as Dean's eyes widened almost comically, and when he ducked his head to avoid Cas' gaze, he appeared to notice for the first time they were holding hands, judging by how fast he let go and how deeply he flushed.

"S-sorry, Cas, I uh- I didn't mean-"

"It's okay, Dean." Cas stood, stretching. He hadn't realized how long they'd been sitting there, but now he noticed the stiffness in his back. "You want some coffee? I'll go get the pot going." He turned to go, and made it to the door before Dean called out to him.

"Hey, Cas?" He turned, Dean was leaning up on his elbow, looking at Cas with tired but shining eyes. It wasn't a surprise that there was something different there when he looked at him this time, they had crossed into something neither had expected. Still, the look in Dean's eyes was full of an emotion Cas had never seen in him before, even if Cas wasn't caffeinated enough to figure out exactly what emotion it was.

"Yes, Dean?"

"Thank you, for listening. I've never... Sam's the only one-"

"You shouldn't bottle things up like that, Dean," Cas said gently. Dean actually smiled.

"Yeah, I think I figured that out today," he sighed, his smile sobering almost immediately. "In fact, I think this might be the first time I've cried since dad hit me," he breathed, almost to himself. Cas felt a wave of pity wash through him, but managed to keep his face passive. To have lived that long, keeping all that hurt and guilt inside him for ten years, Cas couldn't begin to imagine what that must feel like. It was no wonder Dean broke down as hard as he did. Dean gestured at Cas, sitting up all the way.

"You, too, you know, about holding onto stuff. You know you can talk to me, Cas. Anytime." A half remembered, drunk conversation rose to Cas' memory, where Cas had let slip a bit of his past. _It's only fair,_ Cas thought to himself, and he nodded.

"I understand. I'm sure you're exhausted, so maybe not today"

"I'll take a someday over never," Dean said with a gentle smile. Cas nodded and turned for the kitchen, where the coffee was waiting, a small smile creeping up on him. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all, letting someone in.

As he started the coffee, there was a knock on the door, and Cas walked over to answer, only realizing upon reaching the door he was still in his underwear. He kept the door mostly closed, peering around it as he opened it. He barely had time to see who it was before they were pushing their way into the apartment, nearly knocking him over backwards.

"What the- Gabe!?!"

"Really, Cassie? What if I had been a stranger?" Gabriel said, scoffing at his lack of an outfit and walking to the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee. Cas was absolutely flabbergasted.

"Gabe, what are you-" Cas was struggling to get his words out, taking a deep breath and trying again. "Why are you here?"

"Anna called," he said matter of factly, adding four spoons of sugar into his coffee, tasting it, then adding two more. "Said you were having roommate problems."

"I told her I was fine," Cas sighed. "Yet you still drove all the way here from Miami." Gabriel winked at him, walking up and clapping him on the shoulder.

"Gotta take care of the baby bro. So, where's the problem?" he asked, looking at him over the top of his coffee cup.

"Nothing," Cas reiterated. "There was a bit of an argument between my other two roommates, I wasn't involved."

"That's not what Anna said," Gabriel raised an eyebrow, telling Cas he wasn't believing his story.

"Technically, yes, Dean and I got in a bit of an argument, but we've moved past it. I honestly have no idea why Anna even told you."

"An argument, huh," Gabe was about to puff up and start demanding Cas explain the whole situation to him, he could see Gabe putting his 'big brother' look on his face. When movement caught his eye, Cas glanced at the hallway, where Dean was making his way out to the kitchen for his coffee.

"Cas? Who are you talking to?" he mumbled, and Cas noticed he hadn't bothered getting dressed either, still shirtless and wearing his boxers from the day before. Cas watched Gabe's eyes start to bug out of his head.

Then Cas realized what this must look like.

They all started speaking at once.

"Gabe, before you-"

"Cas? Who's this?"

"What the actual hell?"

Dean was frozen just by the hallway entrance, looking between the brothers in utter confusion. Gabe turned to Cas, an unusual amount of anger in his eyes.

"So an argument, huh? Exactly what kind of argument, Cas?" he asked, looking both disapproving and impressed at the same time. Cas rolled his eyes.

"Gabe, it's not- we didn't-"

"Mmm," Gabe hummed, turning cold eyes on Dean. "What did he make you do?" Gabe said, his voice level and cold.

"What's going on?" Dean asked, and Cas could see he was nowhere near grasping the situation.  He was also looking at Cas strangely, and he realized his flustered behavior was probably quite new to Dean.

"Nothing happened!" Cas nearly shouted, grabbing hold of his brother's shoulder. "Gabe, just- let me get dressed, I'll meet you downstairs and we'll go eat somewhere, alright? I'll tell you what really happened just- go please." Gabe looked between him and Dean again, before downing his coffee and turning for the door.

"Fine. But you're buying," he sighed, leaving in a huff. Cas turned an apologetic face to Dean. He just stood there and blinked at Cas.

"Who was that?" Dean closed his eyes slowly, huffing a sigh, "That basically just met me while I'm naked," he added. Cas laughed, he couldn't help it, and Dean even smiled a bit.

"Sorry, I had no idea he was coming," Cas blushed, his emotional walls still lowered from their talk.

"It's alright, just usually like to buy someone a drink before we get to the 'no clothes' part," he sighed, finishing his walk to the kitchen for coffee.

"Well, Dean, you just met my brother, Gabriel."   ** _  
_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys! Don't worry, we'll see a bit more of Gabe in the next chapter!! Maybe even a tiny something for all you Sabriel peeps ;)


	5. Chapter Five- End of Semester Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LOOOOOONG T_T
> 
> Holidays were crazy, but I've made some awesome progress on this fic over the past couple weeks.

“Your brother,” Dean said with a groan.  “Awesome.”  

“Like I said, I didn't know he was coming.”  Cas poured himself a cup of coffee, Gabe could wait for him to at least be fully functional.  He poured Dean a cup while at the pot, adding the one scoop of sugar he preferred and handing it to him.

“Why is he here, if it wasn't a planned visit?” Dean asked, taking a sip and pretending he wasn't impressed by Cas’ memory of his coffee order.  Cas could see it though, just in the corner of his eye.

“I called my sister yesterday…” Cas trailed off, a little uncertainty slipping in now that the morning’s emotional buffer was gone.  He was about two feet from a mostly naked Dean, and he was also underdressed.  While that was fine while Dean was pouring out his soul under a blanket, standing in the kitchen made it slightly awkward.  

“What did you guys talk about?” Dean prompted gently, watching Cas over his coffee.  Cas felt his cheeks flush, Gabe’s sudden appearance leaving him too flustered to hide it.  He was  _ always _ flustered when Gabe was around, ever since they were kids, something about his brother kept his normal facade at bay.  

“About you, actually.  About what happened yesterday, in the hallway.  It just…bothered me.”  Cas said it matter of factly, but Dean’s eyebrows shot up, and Cas felt his blush deepen.   _ What the hell, _ Cas figured,  _ I’m all in now. _  He leaned heavily on the counter, stirring his coffee and watching the liquid spin, the only distraction from Dean’s eyes.  “Outside my siblings, I don't get invested in people.  The nature of my childhood, combined with the way my only relationship ended, has made me keep people at an arm's length.  I don't trust easily, I don't let people get close emotionally or physically.”  Cas glanced up at Dean, and noticed the guilt on his face.

“Look, Cas, this morning I-”

“Let me finish.” Cas said gently.  Dean nodded, falling silent.  “I didn't mind at all this morning.  Your brother and I have become good friends, but even with him I haven't really been able to relax, to let him into my… ‘bubble’ as it were.”  His social anxiety was pulling at his heart, making him nervous, but he pushed through.  “We have a fair amount of things in common, Dean.  We both are deeply attached to our siblings, as in do  _ anything  _ for them.  We both put up a front for the world to see.  We both have problems trusting.”  Dean’s ears were tinged pink, but his eyes were shining, and Cas had no idea what to make of it.  “You let me in,” Cas pointed out.  “You've let me see under your ‘image’, and you've opened up to me in ways I never expected.”  He was feeling ridiculously nervous and emotional, but oddly enough not in a bad way.  “I, I want to return the favor.”

“Cas, you don't have to-”

“I said I want to,” he insisted.  “Just… Be patient with me, okay?  I'm not sure I can even do this.”  His eyes found the floor.

“Do what?” Dean asked, and Cas could hear the smile in his voice.

“This,” he sighed, “open up and be a- a person.”  He set his empty coffee cup down.

“There's no hurry, Cas,” Dean half laughed.  “You're not obligated to tell me your life story just because I told you mine.  You're not broken, just out of practice.”  Cas looked up at Dean and saw he was smiling, almost laughing at him.  “You're an awesome guy just the way you are, if you excuse my sappy comments.  I am beyond grateful you let me unload all that baggage, and while I'm willing to help you carry yours, I'm okay just watching you struggle and laughing at you from behind.”  He finished his statement with a wink and Cas couldn't help himself, he laughed.

“Thanks, Dean.”  A few seconds of silence.  “I'm going to get dressed and appease my brother, hopefully I can convince him to go back home before he decides he needs to spend the night.”  As Cas walked away Dean laughed.

“He can't be as bad as me,” he called.  Cas suppressed a grin.

“No, he’s worse,” he called back.

 

Fifteen minutes later Gabe was pulling into the parking lot of IHOP.  His cherry red ‘86 Dodge Omni stood out in the crowd of cars there for breakfast, both because of its color and it's odd shape.  That was just Gabe, standing out was what he was best at.  Once they were seated, Gabe dumped a handful of small hard candies on the table, making Cas roll his eyes.

“We're about to eat real food, and you already raided the candy bowl at the hostess stand,” he pointed out grumpily.  Gabe shrugged, popping one of the bright colored candies in his mouth.

“I just drove four hours to get here, I need it to sustain me,” he said with a smirk.  Cas shook his head, but felt the beginning of a smile tug at the corner of his lips.  The waitress came and took their drink order, and once she left Gabe focused in on Cas.  “So you going to explain the tall, tattooed, half-naked Greek God in your living room?  Or should I just assume whatever I like?”  Cas blushed, staying silent when the waitress dropped off his coffee urn and Gabe’s “splashberry” concoction he'd ordered.

“His name is Dean,” Cas sighed.  “Please try and show some respect.”  Gabe smirked at that.

“Sure, Cassie, whatever you say.” 

“And contrary to whatever you're thinking, nothing untoward happened between us,” Cas said adamantly.  “He’s going through a personal struggle, which was why he lashed out last night.  We talked it out this morning, there's nothing else to it.”  Gabe sighed, crunching into the candy in his mouth.

“If you were anyone but you, I'd call you a liar.”  Gabe wiggled his eyebrows at Cas.  “It's too bad, he’s quite the looker.”  Cas just fixed Gabe with a stare, otherwise ignoring the statement.  The waitress came and took their order, and Cas sat quietly, sipping at his coffee, ignoring Gabe in spite of his noisy slurping of his drink, his huffs and sighs, and munching on his candy.  Cas kept his gaze away from his brother, ignoring every single annoying noise and grunt.  Finally, Gabe let out a loud and defeated groan.

“Can I help you with something, Gabe?” Cas asked mildly.  He got a glare from his brother’s hazel eyes.

“You win, alright?  I'm sorry I assumed and insinuated,” he muttered.

“Thank you,” Cas said, sipping at his coffee to hide his proud grin.  He didn't usually win their little standoffs, Gabe always got too annoying for Castiel to take, but this time Cas had held out.  “So, you going back home tonight?” Cas asked, his tone making it more of a suggestion than a question.  Gabe made a mock indignant face.

“Really?  That desperate to get rid of me?” he whined, pouting at Cas.

“It's the last week of school, Gabe, I have finals to study for, I have a paper to finish.  I'm sorry, it's just not the best time,” Cas answered, and his brother sobered slightly.

“Okay, I get it, Cas.  I still have a few hours, isn't there something we could do before I ship out?  Please, little bro?”  The waitress brought their food, a giant stack of strawberry cheesecake pancakes for Gabe and a veggie omelette for Cas.  His stomach wasn't really up for a big greasy breakfast, so he made do with something healthy.  Watching his brother smother his already overly sweet pancakes with strawberry syrup almost put Cas off eating completely.

“I guess we could watch a movie, or something,” Cas shrugged, focusing on his own breakfast.  

“A movie?” Gabe said through a mouthful of pancakes.  “Cas I'm here from Miami, can't we do something a little more interesting than a movie?”

“Outside of overpriced theme parks, there's not too much to do around here,” Cas pointed out.  “Plus you're leaving before any of the nightclubs you like really open-”

“Spoil sport,” Gabe huffed through another mouthful of pancake.  Cas began to wonder how they were related.  “Fine we’ll watch a movie.”  

They finished up breakfast with small talk about Cas’ school work and about Gabe’s life in Miami.  He had just been promoted to general manager of a high end bakery chain in downtown North Beach.  The bakery did custom cakes and platters for just about anything, and Gabe often called to brag about how he made a cake for a celebrity Cas had never heard of.

“Well, you haven't gained a bunch of weight, so at least you're not eating all your merchandise,” Cas said, signing the receipt for their check and standing to leave.

“Gee, thanks,” Gabriel grunted as he stood.  They walked out to his car, and he turned them back towards Cas’ apartment.  As they were driving, Cas took the opportunity to text Charlie and Jess, giving them an update on Dean.

_ You: Hey, Charlie.  I got Dean home okay, he seems to be mostly past what was bothering him. _

_ You: Morning, Jess.  How’s Sam doing?  Did he tell you anything about what's wrong? _

_ Charlie:  Alright.  Sorry again for abandoning you, but I needed to get it through Dean’s system to stop being belligerent, and I figured you could be good cop. _

_ Jess: He’s okay, though I've never seen him so upset.  He told me what Dean asked, but I know I don't know the full story. _

_ You: It's okay, Charlie.  It worked out. _

_ You:  Dean told me some of what their father did.  I can understand where they’re both coming from.  Is he staying again tonight? _

_ Jess: I think so.  :( I wish these guys would just talk this out. _

_ You: Me too. _

“You too good to talk to me now, too?” Gabe said from the driver’s seat.  Cas sighed, slipping his phone back in his pocket.  He had a retort ready, but instead of answering with that, he paused, his mind drifting along the lines of family.  He forgot sometimes his siblings weren't the only family he had left, because those memories weren't good to dwell on.  Still, family was family, and with his trip coming up, he was feeling brave.

“I want to go see mom once finals are done,” he said quietly.  Gabe’s smirk fell off his face, and Cas could feel the shock roll off him.

“Where’s this coming from?” he asked quietly.  Cas shrugged, looking out the window at nothing in particular.

“I just want to see her, before I leave for England, and I don't have much of a break once my summer classes start.”  Gabriel pulled them into a parking spot in front of their apartment, killing the engine but not making a move to leave the car.

“Cas, the last time I saw her-”

“I want to see her,” he repeated, adamantly.  Gabe watched him closely for a moment, a sad look on his face.

“Alright.  I'll pick you up, just let me know what day.”  Cas nodded and climbed out of the car, Gabe on his heels, catching up to his longer strides.

“So do pornos count as movies?  Or do we have to watch something boring?” he asked, slinging an arm around Cas’ shoulders, back to his normal self.  Cas kept his smile hidden away, along with his gratitude to Gabe for letting his request go.

“No they don't count,” he muttered, beginning to regret agreeing to the movie.

 

Four hours later, Cas was standing with his brother at their front door, trying to get him to leave very unsuccessfully.  

They had ended up watching  _ The Island _ , a movie Cas enjoyed because it presented a philosophical argument, and a movie Gabe enjoyed because he found both Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson extremely attractive.  Dean was home, Cas knew, since the Impala was in the parking lot, but either out of embarrassment or something else he didn't come out of his room the entire time Gabe was there.  Now that his brother was outside the apartment, he heard the bathroom door open and close, and realized Dean was probably getting ready for work.

“I'll be seeing you in two weeks,” Cas reminded Gabe for the twelfth time when he complained again about Cas’ ‘rudeness’.

“I don't know what you've got against me,” Gabe sighed, a sad and forlorn pout on his face.

“You're annoying and aggravating on purpose, for starters,” Cas said casually.  

“Come on, Cassie, I'm not really that bad!”

“Yes, you are.”  Cas’ tone left no room for argument, and Gabe sighed.

“Well you don't have to be mean about it,” he grumbled.  They both turned at the sound of footsteps in the hallway, and Cas was startled to see Sam walking towards the apartment.  He hadn't expected him back so soon.

“Well, hellooo moose,” Gabe muttered under his breath to Cas.  Cas dug his heel into Gabe's foot while “stepping” out of the doorway.

“Hello, Sam,” Cas said, ignoring the indignant huff his brother gave him.  Sam nodded, giving Cas a tired smile.

“Hey, just need a few things,” he said, turning his eyes to Gabriel’s hungry stare.  Cas just barely kept himself from hiding his face behind his hands in embarrassment.

“Hello, I'm Gabriel, Cas’ awesome older brother,” he introduced himself, offering his hand for Sam to shake.  “And who, pray, may you be you handsome devil?” he added with a wink and Cas actually groaned.  Sam looked between them for a moment before cautiously shaking Gabe's hand, and Cas could tell he was just as stunned as most people were when they find out he and Gabe are related.

“Sam, I'm Cas’ roommate,” Sam said, a bit nervous under his smile.

“Good to meet you, Sam,” Gabe said brightly.  Cas nudged Gabe with an elbow.

“Don't you have a long drive to get to?” Cas muttered.  Gabe shot him a look but seemed to sense Cas’ genuine annoyance.

“While I would love to stay and mingle with your sexy self, it seems my brother is kicking me out of your lovely home,” Gabe said, half bowing to Sam.  Sam just looked at Cas, clearly confused and slightly flushed in embarrassment.  Cas just shrugged, unable to really explain Gabriel in words, which didn't help with Sam’s confusion.    
“I guess we’ll see you around then,” Sam said, nodding at him as he moved to walk into the apartment.  There was a bit of awkward shuffling as Sam slipped past them, Gabriel leaning around Cas to watch him go, and once he was out of sight Cas punched his brother in the arm.

“Seriously Gabriel?!”

“You've been holding out on me,” Gabe sighed, ignoring Cas’ chastisement.  “Both brothers are all chiseled good looks and masculinity.”  Cas smirked at that, a small image of Dean with hickeys on the back of his neck entering his mind.  “And the tall one’s eyes…not to mention that ass...”  Cas groaned loudly to cut his brother off.

“Gabe, I hate to break it to you, but Sam is straight.  He has a wonderful girlfriend who can probably kick your ass,” Cas pointed out.  Gabe shrugged, only slightly disappointed.

“Ah well, his loss,” he said with a wink.  Cas just glared at him and he threw up his hands in defeat.  “Alright, I'm going.”  He sobered, his face growing serious, squeezing Cas’ shoulder fondly.  “You sure you want to go see her?”  Cas nodded. 

“I am.”  He didn’t hesitate.

“Alright.  I'll see you later, bro.”  Gabe turned and made his way to his car.  Cas shut the door, letting out a deep breath and gathering himself together.  Gabe always left him exhausted, but if he wanted to try and talk to Sam about what happened before he left for Jess’ this was the only chance he would get.  He made his way down the hall to Sam’s doorway.  The shower was running, and Dean wasn't in his room, so he had a brief window with just one brother.

He didn’t know what to expect from Sam, so he peered through the open door cautiously.  Sam had his back to the door, packing some clothes in a bag to take to Jess’ apartment, and he didn’t seem agitated, just tired.  He turned and saw Cas, hitching half a smile on his face.

“Hey, Cas, what’s up?”

“I wanted to apologize for Gabe’s behavior,” he said, without realizing he was going to say it.  His brain was moving faster than he gave it credit for, considering the morning he'd had.  Sam shrugged.

“You sure he’s your brother?” he asked with a laugh, making his way to his closet to grab a couple shirts.

“I wonder that myself sometimes, but yes, he is.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sam called.  “I’ve seen it all with Dean...” he cut himself off awkwardly, his smile fading as he finished packing his bag.  Some of his anger seeped out into his shoulders, but he wasn’t as bad as he was that morning, so Cas figured it was worth the risk to try and talk to Sam about what happened the night before.

“I talked with Dean,” Cas said quietly.  Sam paused his packing, his body tensing.  “He was upset, but Charlie and I managed to keep him from doing anything rash.  He was pretty shaken up.”  He watched Sam roll his shoulders, rolling some of his tension off with it.  He and Sam had become friends, but his natural need to keep people at arm's length had kept them from having too many conversations like the one Castiel had with Dean.  He never had trouble figuring out what Sam was thinking or feeling like he had with Dean, since Sam wasn’t afraid of wearing his heart on his sleeve.  Like now, he could see Sam was trying to keep his anger at bay, feeling slightly guilty about the whole thing, but stubbornly hanging on to his frustration with his brother, all in one look.

“Cas, I’m sorry you had to see that,” he sighed, running his hand through his long waves of hair.  “I shouldn’t have dragged you into our mess we call a family.”

“My family isn't much better,” Cas said softly.  Sam seemed to understand Cas meant more than Gabriel, and nodded.  “And I’m glad you did get me involved,” Cas said evenly, making Sam look at him hard.  Cas continued before Sam could interrupt.  “I think it's about time I change a bit of my perspective, since I'm traveling later this year.  I was also able to help Dean out of a bad situation last night because of it.”  Sam nodded again, still looking guilty, but when he made no move to talk, Cas continued.  “Dean told me what he asked, and why you reacted the way you did.”  Sam turned fully towards Cas, his face defensive, like he was bracing himself for what Cas had said. 

“He did,” he muttered, unpleasant surprise in his voice and a frown on his face.  Cas nodded.

“I don't pretend to be in a position to tell you what to do,” Cas continued, “but I would like to hear your side of the story, if I could.”  Sam considered him for a moment, like he was trying to decide if Cas was serious.

“Why?”

“I only really have my siblings,” Cas said simply, glad he was back to his calm and even toned self, the effect Gabe had wearing off in favor of this serious conversation.  “I understand how strong that bond can be, and I know how bad it hurts when that bond is strained.”  Sam’s face softened slightly, his eyes darting in the direction of the bathroom.

“Look, Cas, there's a lifetime of crap involved in this-”

“About your father,” Cas finished softly, and Sam flushed, disconcerted and a bit angry.  After all, it wasn't just Dean’s childhood he'd spouted off to Cas, it was Sam’s too.  Cas didn't blame Sam for being upset that Dean had told Cas about their problems.

“I guess Dean did tell you what was going on,” he muttered, getting agitated.  “So you get why I don't want to deal with dad.  And hey, if Dean told you all that, maybe he told you why he won't let this go.”  He dropped the shirt in his hands on top of his bag, crossing his arms.  “He can't ever just be mature about life for once, take anything seriously.  Maybe you could explain to me why he refuses to grow up.”  So that was the root of this, Sam didn't understand Dean’s motivations.  Cas needed to head off Sam's anger before he stopped talking to him, and he only had to think for a moment before coming up with the answer he needed.

“Because he didn't have a childhood,” Cas said simply.  “He was too busy being who your father should have been to be a child himself.  At least, that's why I think he’s like that, so childish at times.  He’s making up for lost time.”  The silence that fell over them was sudden and oppressive.

“I, uh, I never thought about that,” Sam said quietly, almost to himself.  His arms fell to his sides, and he looked like he wanted to say something else, but he stopped, looking in the direction of his bedroom door.  Cas realized then the shower had turned off, and Sam it seemed wasn't ready to deal with his brother.  “Look, Cas, I get you're trying to help, but I need some time, okay?”

“Sam-, I’m so-” Cas tried to apologize, but Sam just gathered up his bag, tossing it over his shoulder and walking past Cas, shutting his bedroom door behind him.  

“Sammy, wait!” Dean called from behind Cas, darting from his room in a tee shirt and basketball shorts.  “Sam!”  He rushed after his brother, and much to Cas’ surprise, Sam stopped, an angry clench to his jaw.

“What, Dean?”  Cas took a few steps backwards towards his room, attempting to give the brothers their space.

“I'm sorry, okay?  I pushed too hard, and I shouldn't have.”  

“I just don't understand.  My opinion of him is never going to change, not after what he did to you.  And I still can't see why you’ve even bothered all these years.”

“Because, I remember him, the way he used to be.”  Cas could tell by the tone in Dean’s voice how hard it was to talk to his brother about this, and he was oddly proud of him.  “I'm not stupid, I know he's never going to be that again, but…”  A silence fell between them, and Cas wondered if Dean was going to tell Sam about their father’s health.  Without being able to see them, he wasn't sure what was going through Dean’s mind.

“I don't want to see him,” Sam said with a tone of finality.

“Sam, come on, don't be like this-”

“When finals are over, I'm going out to California with Jess to see her parents,” Sam said coldly, “then we’re driving back.”

“Sam-”

“I'll be gone almost the whole month-”

“Dad’s dying.”  

The silence was deafening.  Cas found himself holding his breath.

“He’s…” Sam’s voice cuts off in a cough.

“Yeah, his liver, big surprise.  Not exactly high on the donor list.”  A pause, and Cas can practically taste the tension in the air.  Dean’s voice was pleading with his brother, but Cas didn’t think that Sam was listening.

“Dean, I'm- I gotta go,” Sam sighs, but Cas can hear the tremor in his voice.  The apartment door opens and shuts, ringing in the silence.  It only takes Cas a few moments hesitation to slowly walk out into the living room to see if Dean was alright.

“Dean?” he calls cautiously.  Dean is sitting on the edge of the couch, his head in his hands.

“You're becoming one nosy roommate, you know that?” Dean sighed.  Cas half smiled at the joke but quickly hid it away at the pain in Dean’s eyes.

“My apologies,” he said, staying near the hallway entrance.  Dean stood, and when he looked up at Cas, shame colored his cheeks.  Cas wasn’t sure where it was coming from, and he didn't like the look of it.

“I gotta run to work,” Dean muttered, brushing past him into his room, emerging moments later in his black jeans, the same shirt on.  “Don’t know when I’ll be home,” he added, walking past Cas again towards the front door.  The words were casual but the way Dean said them was anything but.

“Dean-”

“I appreciate that you’re trying to help,” Dean slips on his shoes, keeping his eyes from meeting Cas’, “but it looks like Sammy needs his space, and I think I… Maybe he's right...”  He slides his jacket on, still making an effort not to look at Cas.

“I’m sorry,” Cas says simply.  Dean finally looks up at him, guilt and apology all over his face.

“Yeah, me too.”

 

Cas finished his paper he'd been working on the night before, and gets in some studying for his calculus class, the final he's most worried about.  The apartment feels odd in the absence of the brothers, after getting used to having Dean’s large presence around, with both of them gone it was eerily quiet.

The fact that Dean didn't plan to come home that night wasn't a surprise, Cas hadn't expected him to.  Dean was doing what he'd always done, working and then finding a night of company to help him cope, to help him forget.  He hadn't expected their one conversation to change him, nor did he want it to, but deep down and for reasons he can't quite put his finger on, he wished Dean would come home. 

After eating a small dinner, he gets ready for bed, plugging his phone in and dialing his sister on Skype.  When Anna’s face comes into view she looks decidedly guilty.

“Hey, Castiel.”

“Have you talked to Gabe recently?” he asked casually.  She flushed.

“I'm sorry, Cas, I was just worried about you.”  Cas sighed.

“I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

“I know, but you're also very good at downplaying things, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”  She didn't need to add that it was because she disapproved of how Dean lived his life, that because of it she didn't trust him.  Cas had picked up on that a couple months ago when he'd told her about his first impression.  Normally talking with Anna made him feel better, but tonight he wasn't comforted like he usually was.

“I want to trust Dean, okay?  I know you don't get why, but I do.”  He didn't try to sound angry, but it came out that way anyway.

“I'm sorry,” she said sheepishly.  Cas nodded, just ready to move past it.  This had been the longest 24 hours of his life.

“I'm going to see mom when finals are done.”  He heard her gasp in spite of her trying to hide it.

“Is Gabe going to get you?” she asked cautiously.  

“He is.”  There's a long pause.

“It's been almost seven years, Cas.”

“I'm aware.”  Another pause.  Her eyes are cautious as the peer at him through her phone.

“What brought this up?”  She couldn't wrap her head around his decision and he didn't really blame her.

“I'm not sure, I just felt like it’s time.  My whole time in school has been building to this trip in August and I…” he couldn't figure out what he was trying to say, so he just left it there.

“Alright, Castiel, if you're sure.  I better let you get to sleep, you look like you need it.”  

“Alright, Anna.  I'll talk to you later.”

“Bye.”  Cas ended the skype call and when he locked his phone, it plunged his room into darkness.  He curled up under his blanket, the ceiling fan blowing a loose strand of hair astray to tickle his forehead.  He was due for a haircut, but he kind of liked how it scattered everywhere as it got longer, looking almost messy on purpose.

The front door opened, and from the sound of hushed feminine giggles and the hurried way they bumped into the wall on their way down the hallway, it seemed Dean had decided to come home after all, just not alone.  Cas turned on his Bluetooth speaker, playing some music to help drown out the muffled noises from across the hall and buried his face in his pillow, drifting off to sleep quickly as the sound of piano and cello filled his thoughts.

 

The last week of classes went by in a blur, then the week of finals right after also flew by.  Sam came back to the apartment every now and then for laundry or books, sometimes he'd even stay long enough to do some studying with Cas.  Every single night he'd leave and head to Jess’ apartment, hardly saying three words to his brother in a day.  Dean seemed to be back to his old routine, off to work in the afternoon, not home till the next morning, or on five separate occasions home but with company.  Cas never saw any of them, they were always shuffled out the door before he got up in the morning, all he ever heard of them were some muffled male and female voices passing by his bedroom door.  After the first week and a half, Dean started coming home again, and Cas had a feeling that whatever Dean was trying to prove to himself wasn’t working.

After his last final on Thursday, May 5th, (of course Calculus would be the last one) Cas stumbled into the apartment and collapsed on the couch, sprawled out on his stomach with one arm hanging off the side.  He heard Dean chuckle from the kitchen.

“That bad, huh?”  Cas just grunted in response, closing his eyes against the headache forming behind his eyes.  A few moments later, he was being nudged by a cold glass, and turning his head to peer up at what was prodding him, he saw Dean standing there with a drink.  “I know it's a bit early, but you deserve it,” Dean smiled reassuringly.

“Thanks,” Cas muttered, sitting up and accepting the drink.  It was alcohol of some sort, but it didn't burn too bad as it slid down his throat.  “You're getting pretty good at this whole bartender thing,” he pointed out.  Dean shrugged.

“I'd like to think so.  Apparently I'm getting better at this whole singing thing, too.  Benny’s offered to pay me to be the permanent warm up act on karaoke nights.”  He was proud of himself, but was trying so hard not to show it, it made Cas smile.

“You're very talented, Dean.  It's good that your talent is being appreciated.”  The comment made Dean’s ears flush pink, and Cas sipped at his drink to hide his smile.

“Uh huh,” he mumbled.  They both looked up as the front door opened and Sam walked in.  The sudden tension was thick enough Cas felt crushed beneath it.  Cas looked between the two brothers, both of them almost comically wearing the same facial expressions.  Both wanting to say something, but both of them not wanting to be the first to break.  Cas sat still, hoping one of them would start to speak, but when two minutes worth of ‘stare down’ had passed, he heaved an exasperated sigh.

“You know, you two are the most stubborn-” he started, bringing the attention of both brothers to him.  He pointed hard at Sam, a small frown furrowing his eyebrows.  “Sam, your brother just wants you to be happy, he doesn’t want you to live with regret.”   He turned his gaze to Dean.  “Dean, your brother is an adult, let him make up his own mind on how to live his life.  Now, if the two of you would kindly work out that you’re brothers and you need each other, maybe we could get life back to normal?”

Both Dean and Sam stared at him, mouths hanging open, in total shock.  Cas felt a bit of pride in himself, glad he'd gotten through to them enough to make them listen.  Their gazes turned to each other, Sam running a hand through his hair and Dean rubbing the back of his neck.  

“Sorry, bitch,” Dean muttered, letting the tension leave him.  Immediately Sam relaxed, all fight leaving his body as well.

“Yeah, me too, jerk.”  A small smile spread across both of their faces, and it was Cas’ turn to be surprised.

“That's it?  That's all it took?”  Dean shrugged and Cas just shook his head, standing to head towards his room.  “You two are so weird,” he sighed.

“Hey, Cas, hold up,” Sam called.  He turned back and there was a sheepish smile on Sam’s face.  “I uh… thanks.”

“Yeah, man.  For putting up with us,” Dean added.  Cas managed to keep his smile small, hiding his strange happiness from them.  

“You’re welcome,” he held up his drink to the brothers.  He’d broken out of his shell and done what he set out to do, and now he was hoping life in their apartment could get back to their normal level of comfort and routine.  “I’m going to go finish this in my room, and probably do some reading, so try to keep it down?”  He turned and walked into his room, shutting the door and finally letting his smile show on his face.  As he finished his drink he tidied up his Calculus notes, tucking them away on his bookshelf with a sense of accomplishment.  Two more classes, one in June and one in July, and he would be on his way to England, on his way to finally finishing his degree.  He could just barely hear the brothers talking, but he couldn’t quite make out the words, satisfied enough at the moment with them not yelling.  He climbed into bed and grabbed  _ To Kill A Mockingbird,  _ flipping on his bluetooth speaker and curling up to read.

He’d made it about four chapters in before he heard a knock on the door.

“Come in,” he called.  Dean peeked his head in.

“Hey, Cas, you got a minute?” he asked, for some reason slightly nervous.  His eyes were moving around the room, not quite settling on Cas himself.

“Of course, Dean.”  He watched his roommate walk into his room, hesitating before looking to Cas for a nod before sitting in the desk chair.

“I want to thank you.  In two weeks you managed to fix something I didn't even realize was broken,” he said without preamble.  Cas shrugged.

“It makes for more peaceful living arrangements.”  Dean smiled and shook his head, almost like he expected that answer.  “I got to know you both much better, also.  I'm happy to call you both good friends.”  Dean looked up sharply, his smile fading slightly.  Cas felt a smug happiness at surprising him, but kept his face passive.

“I uh, yeah,” Dean stuttered.  “I just, uh… if you need a favor or whatever, I owe you one.”  Cas thought about that for a moment.

“Actually, I believe I still owe you my life story,” Cas said softly.  Dean shrugged, and Cas could see the curiosity he quickly suppressed.  

“Cas, I told you it’s not a big deal,” he sighed, the tips of his ears going pink.

“You're my friend, Dean.  I just want to show you the same trust you've shown me.”  Dean kept his gaze focused on the ground, an embarrassed set to his shoulders.  Cas watched him for a moment, not caring if what he was going to ask would be a good idea or not.  “Tell you what, give me a ride to Miami in two days and you'll have paid back that favor.”  Dean’s eyes came up to his, slightly puzzled.

“Going to see your brother?” he asked.  Cas shook his head.

“My mother.”  He didn't offer any more explanation and Dean seemed to sense he shouldn't ask.

“Miami, huh.  Alright, I'll see if Benny will give me the night off.”  Cas nodded.

“Thank you, Dean.”  Dean fixed him with that odd look again, the one that Cas couldn't place.  It wasn't a bad look, in fact he didn't really mind Dean looking at him like that, but it made Cas feel oddly exposed.

“Yeah, no problem.”  He left Cas’ room, and Cas put his book on the bedside table, picking up his phone to call his brother.

“Yello, Cassie,” Gabe said when he answered.  

“I just wanted to let you know I've got a ride on Sunday.”

“Oh, who's the lucky fool that gets to drive you all the way down here?” Gabe asked, he was at work by the sound of the background noise in his call.

“Dean’s going to take me.”  Gabe chuckles, and Cas hears the innuendo just in that little noise.   _ Really... _

“Uh huh, tall, tatts, and handsome?”

“Gabe, he's a friend, doing me a favor.  Whatever you may think or want to happen between us is entirely in your mind.”  Cas rolled his eyes at his brother, but there was still a half smile on his face.

“So if you're just friends, he's totally free game right?” Gabe teases.  Cas waits to answer when there’s a loud crash and some grumbled muttering from his brother.

“I would love to not have to deal with the drama of you sleeping with my roommate, provided he was even  _ willing.” _

“What's that supposed to mean?” Gabe snapped.  “ _ Fucking flour,”  _ he muttered to himself.  “Cas I better go,” he sighed. 

“I'll see you on Sunday.”

“Toodles.”  

Cas hung up, plugging in his phone and settling back into his pillows, feeling his eyes getting heavy.  It was early but he'd had a tough morning, and with Sam and Dean sorted out, he felt he deserved a nap, so he gave into the pull of sleep.  He'd worry about Sunday once he recuperated from the past 24 hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hang on for some backstory!! Chapter 6 coming soon!!!


	6. Chapter Six- Open Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would apologize for taking so long to get this update out to you but I WAS AT JAXCON SO I HAVE NO REGRETS!!!! XD
> 
> A lengthy, meaty chapter full of fun story stuff and character development and feels, so buckle in guys!!
> 
> Songs: "Simple Man"- Lynyrd Skynyrd (Yep, had too ;) )  
> "Alone Together"- Fall Out Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so someone pointed out to me that I should post some trigger warnings for this chapter.  
> ***SPOILER ALERT***  
> Warning will contain some spoilers.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Shown mental breakdowns/dimentia/psychotic breaks in a parent.

Charlie came over Sunday morning to say goodbye after getting off around 4:30am from her late shift at the bar.  Sam had to leave early for the airport, and Cas wanted to leave fairly early for Miami, so she volunteered to get everyone breakfast.  After spending so much time at their apartment the past few months Charlie had become just as much Sam and Cas’ friend as she was Dean’s, and her feisty attitude brought an odd balance to their group.  

Cas had received a text from Charlie about Dean whining at work, and in her own words she wanted to ‘witness the morning rising of Dean’.  Apparently he had been saying something along the lines of _I'm going to do it, but that's just really fucking early,_ and Charlie also didn't seem to believe Dean was capable of getting out of bed at that hour of the morning.  Cas felt slightly guilty after hearing about their conversation, but when he'd mentioned leaving a bit later to Dean all he'd gotten was a grumbled “It’s fine,” in response.  Cas should have figured Dean would have something to prove.  

So, in the end, when Charlie had shown up around 5am with pancakes from IHOP and Dean’s favorite coffee, he'd grudgingly climbed out of bed only fifteen minutes late and into a shower.  Charlie was impressed, and Cas and Sam were both amused by the whole thing.  

“You sure you want to spend four hours in a car with that jerk?” Charlie asked Cas playfully, gesturing at the hallway to indicate Dean.

“Jess has to spend almost 24 hours in a car with me, she's the one you should have pity on,” Sam chuckled.  He had just finished the food Charlie had brought him, his bags already packed and by the door.  Cas was a morning person, but he had to admit there was something almost unnatural about the way Sam could wake up at whatever unholy hour and be perfectly normal.  The talk Sam and Dean had the other day had done wonders for both Sam’s sanity and the overall mood of the apartment, and while Cas wanted to know what it was they talked about, when both brothers got shifty about the topic he left it alone.  It was their business, he wasn't going to push.  

“Ooh, he's right, Cas, you're getting off easy,” Charlie laughed.

“Hey, you're not supposed to _agree_ with me!” Sam scoffed, cleaning up his trash.

“Sorry, Sam,” Charlie shrugged.

“Don't apologize, he brought it on himself,” Dean commented, walking out from the hallway in an old grey ACDC shirt and beat up jeans.  His hair was still damp from the shower, small beads of water clinging to his forehead.

“Well, at least I'm not rocking the grunge 90’s look,” Sam laughed.  Dean looked down at his clothes.

“What's wrong with this?” he muttered.

“Nothing is wrong with it, it's just well loved,” Charlie sighed.  Dean glared at Charlie as he sat down, taking the coffee Cas held out to him and setting in to demolish his stack of pancakes.  Cas shook his head, keeping his smile to himself.

“I'm sure it won't be that bad, being stuck with Dean for that long,” he said casually.  “He's pretty easy to tune out if he gets annoying.”  Cas tried to hide the small laugh in his voice, but when the heat of Dean’s glare turned to him, he figured he wasn't quite successful.

“Alright, kids, play nice,” Charlie yawned.  “I've got to get home before I pass out.”  She stood, kissing Dean on top of the head and squeezing Cas by the shoulders fondly.  “Good luck,” she whispered conspiratorially, just loud enough for Dean to hear.

“Get out, you nerd,” Dean snapped, hiding his smile behind his coffee.  She squeezed Sam tightly and left the apartment, and Dean nudged Cas with his elbow.  “You ready to go?” he managed to ask through his last mouthful of pancakes.  Cas shook his head at the sudden resemblance to his own brother.

“I've been ready for a while, Dean.  You were the one that insisted on ‘five more minutes’ this morning.”  Cas smiled as Dean grumbled and stood to take the trash and dishes into the kitchen, grabbing another cup of coffee.  

“I'm gonna head out, guys, drive safe,” Sam announced, waving at Cas and clapping his brother on the back.  “Try and behave while you're gone,” he said to Dean, mock seriously.  Dean raised his eyebrows, attempting to look offended.

“Dude, when do I not behave?”  Cas and Sam shared a smirk, and Dean grumbled something that sounded like _traitors_ into his coffee.  Cas waved to Sam before he walked down to his bedroom, grabbing his overnight bag and going over his mental checklist one more time to make sure he didn’t forget anything.  He made a round of his room and walked back out to find Dean standing by the door with his duffle on his shoulder.

“Alright let's do this,” he said clapping his hands together and turning to go, looking back in confusion when Cas didn't move towards the door.  

“You should probably use the restroom, Dean.”  Dean flushed.

“Yeah, okay _mom_ , I'm fine.”

“You just drank two very large cups of coffee,” Cas insisted.  “I'd like us to try and make it a couple hours before stopping for you to urinate.”  Dean continued to grouse but Cas’ logic won out, and Dean grudgingly set his bag down, walking down the hallway to pee.  While Cas couldn't see from where he was standing, the fact that he could hear Dean using the bathroom meant he didn't shut the door behind him, purposefully being vulgar.  Cas sighed, knowing that a few months ago he would have been more than irritated with how grumpy and annoying Dean was in the morning.  Now, he knew Dean was doing it to be funny, and for his own reasons Cas wasn't always privilege to.  Strangely enough, he didn't mind it quite as much anymore.

“Okay, now can we go?” Dean sighed dramatically when he came back down the hallway, drying his washed hands off on his jeans.

“Whenever you're ready,” Cas said with a small smile.  Dean opened his mouth to say something, but when he caught sight of the smile on Cas’ face, his face softened and he just smiled back, shaking his head.  They walked down to the Impala, Dean tossing their bags in the trunk and unlocking the doors.  Cas slipped on an old pair of aviator sunglasses against the sun already peeking over the horizon. The morning was starting to warm up, the Florida summer catching up with them, but for the moment it was nice out and Cas paused before climbing in the car.  Nice, temperate days were so rare in Florida, he wanted to stop and take it in while he could.

“What are-” Dean started, looking at Cas across the Impala, but his voice choked off halfway through his sentence.  Cas turned to look at him.

“Did you forget something?” he asked.  Dean blinked and took a few deep breaths, looking away from Cas to fumble for his door handle.

“Can we just go already,” he muttered, managing to get his door open and dropping in the car quickly.  Cas slid onto the leather seat opposite Dean, rolling down the window as Dean started the car and flipped on the radio.  He seemed a bit on edge, probably because he had too much coffee, so Cas didn’t say anything, he’d let Dean work out his caffeine jitters before attempting conversation.  

Sure enough, as Dean navigated their way towards the interstate, he started to relax into his own skin, the tension leaving his shoulders and face.  Cas watched the city roll by fairly empty outside the window, mostly people were still sleeping that early on a Sunday morning.  Once Dean got them onto the highway towards Miami, he settled back in the seat to get comfortable.  Classic rock songs filled the comfortable silence, and Cas tilted his head to catch the breeze in his hair, his thoughts drifting.  

Seven years.  

Seven whole years had passed since the last time he'd gone to visit his mother.  He had wanted to tell her about what colleges he was considering, unlike Gabe he at least had tried to keep her updated on his life.  After high school graduation two years later, when Anna had told them she was leaving for North Carolina, his whole life has changed, and he'd had enough trouble making time for himself, let alone time to deal with seeing his mother.

He’s pulled back into himself, and out of his childhood, when Dean starts to softly sing along to the music on the radio.

 

_Mama told me when I was young_

_“Come sit beside me, my only son_

_And listen closely to what I say_

_And if you do this_

_It’ll help you some sunny day._

_Take your time, don’t live too fast_

_Troubles will come, and they will pass…_

 

He trailed off when he noticed Cas watching him.  Cas wasn’t bothering to hide the smile on his face, and a flush crept up Dean’s cheeks.

“What, you open on Karaoke night in front of all those people, and you’re embarrassed by me watching you sing along to the radio?” Cas asked.  Dean set his jaw, focusing very intently on the open road in front of them.

“It’s different,” he muttered.  Cas frowned.

“How so?”

“It just is.”  Cas felt his eyebrows move up in amused confusion, and after a few moments Dean let his breath out in a huff.  “I don’t know, up on stage, I just… I lose myself a bit, in a good way.  I forget about everything, you know?  I kinda forget to be embarrassed, to worry about what people are thinking because hell, I don’t really know any of them.  When it’s you, Sam, Charlie… I guess I just can’t turn off my inhibitions.”  Cas nods, not missing the fact that Dean has apparently relaxed into that part of himself Cas saw a couple weeks ago, when he’d talked about his dad.  He saw it when Dean was around Sam sometimes, but this open and honest Dean, the easily flustered and trusting part of him, he was beginning to see it more often when they were alone.

“Well, you’re very talented, you have nothing to be self conscious about.  I find your singing voice very pleasant, almost soothing,” Cas encourages him.  Dean flushed a bit more pink, but Cas doesn’t miss his smile as he continues singing.

 

_Forget your lust for the rich man’s gold_

_All that you need is in your soul_

_And you can do this if you try_

_All that I want for you my son_

_Is to be satisfied._

 

Soon enough they’re both nodding along to the music, Dean drumming against the steering wheel as the guitar solo plays, as relaxed and happy as Cas had ever seen him.  Cas watches Dean as he sings, and when he glances over and meets Cas’ eyes briefly, there's a vulnerability there.  

It suddenly seems odd to Cas that Dean is okay with him seeing that vulnerability, is okay with being so raw and genuine.  Cas feels the walls of his own guard, built high around himself, grow slightly smaller.  Because if Dean was okay with being like that around him, surely he could be okay letting Dean see just a little of himself?

 

_Boy, don't you worry._

_You'll find yourself._

_Follow your heart,_

_And nothing else._

_You can do this,_

_If you try._

_All that I want for you my son,_

_Is to be satisfied._

_And be a simple kind of man._

_Be something you love and understand._

_Baby, be a simple kind of man._

_Oh won't you do this for me son,_

_If you can?_

_Baby, be a simple, be a simple man_

_Oh, be something you love and understand_

_Baby, be a simple kind of man_

 

Not for the first time Cas felt a strange admiration for Dean, something he didn’t expect from the man he’d met all those months ago.  If he thought about it, it was probably because he’d never taken the time to get to know anyone like this.  Even April, whom outside his siblings had been the only person he’d really allowed close to him, hadn’t reached this level of honesty.  He’d never really felt this kind of comfort with April, no matter how hard he’d tried, no matter how physically close they'd become.  It may not have been why she left him, but it hadn't helped.  

Seeing Dean this way, Cas was starting to realize that his relationship with April hadn’t had a chance.

“Where’d your brain wander off to?  Thought you said you liked my singing,” Dean chuckled as the song transitioned into another song.  Cas shrugged, sitting up and making sure his face stayed neutral.

“Just thinking.”

“Sorry I'm boring you,” Dean laughed.  Cas shook his head, though he knew Dean couldn't really see since his eyes were on the road.

“No, it's not that, as I said your voice is soothing.  It's just that… this trip is helping me face some thoughts I've been avoiding.”  He watched Dean’s face, seeing the curiosity there, and the way he was too embarrassed to ask Cas what thoughts those were.  Cas took a deep breath, starting to open the first door between him and the rest of the world.  “I've mentioned April to you before, correct?” he asked.  His voice was still calm, even and unreadable, even though the topic was making him nervous.  

“Yeah, you're ex?”  It seemed a little harsh to refer to her that way, but Cas reasoned that's what she was.  He slid the glasses off his face, mindlessly cleaning them on the hem of his shirt.

“Yes.  I met her my first semester at UCF.  I was out of my depth, on my own for the first time in as long as I could remember.  Anna had left for North Carolina, Gabe was in Miami, I was alone for the first time ever.”  He flinched internally at the over dramatic way he was describing this, but if Dean noticed he didn't say anything.

“Anna?” Dean asked.

“My sister.”  Dean nodded and Cas continued.  “So here I was in a new place, no friends, and she was the only one who took any time to stop and be kind.  She started out just by helping me in our freshman English class, then she was helping with my other school work, then we were talking about family and life…”  He paused to gather his thoughts, keeping his voice and his face passive.  He was sure Dean was going to hear his heart beating in his chest, but he was determined to finish the story.  “Her father had just passed away, and as grim as that is, we were able to bond over familial loss.”  He could feel Dean’s eyes dart to him at that, but that story wasn't what Cas was talking about right now, so Cas left it without an explanation.

“Did you know, then, that you were demi?”  Dean still sounded awkward whenever he mentioned Cas’ sexuality, and it amused Cas to no end how uncomfortable Dean was talking about sex, considering the quantity of sex he participated in.

“Not really, no.  I mean, puberty was interesting.  Totally different from everything I was told to expect.  Certain things just… weren’t the same.  Gabe was constantly on my case about it, and more than once Anna suggested I go to a doctor or something.  For the longest time I was in the dark about what it even meant to find someone attractive.  There was a boy my sophomore year in high school, Mark, that I was good friends with, and I started to realize I was starting to feel attracted to him, but he moved and I never saw him again.  So I never really got to flush out what I was.  It wasn't until after April that Anna and I figured it out.”

“That sucks man, sorry,” Dean said gently.  Cas swallowed hard and continued.

“I started to feel the same things about April, I went from being fond of her to wanting to be _more_ .  It was strange, one day we were just friends, and the next...  She was my first confidant outside my siblings, my first kiss, my first…”   _Betrayal_ , was how he wanted to end that, but it seemed a bit over dramatic.

“You're first everything,” Dean finished for him quietly.  Cas looked over at Dean, catching a glimpse of green before his eyes turned back to the road.

“I guess.”  Cas took a minute or two.  What he was planning on telling Dean he hadn't even told Anna, at least not in so much detail.

“The sex was good at first, at least, for all I know it was.  After time though, it was like we hit this wall, no matter what we tried or did it just kept getting harder to make it work.  And then she, uh… We had a pregnancy scare.”  The old fear he'd buried the past few years rose to the surface, a part of his brain trying to run from Dean, run from the fact he'd told him all of this, but he pressed on.  “It wasn't an issue of wanting kids or not wanting kids.  I was 19, she was 18, it just scared the hell out of us both.  Turns out she wasn't pregnant, but the damage was done.  We grew apart before I even realized it was happening.  I thought I was in love with her, I really did, and she just...”  He was feeling the betrayal over again, just how he'd felt it back then.  “She took advantage of my personality, just sitting back and waiting for us to fall apart, waited for me to fall out of love with her.  She started seeing a classmate, some guy whose name I can't remember, without us ‘officially’ breaking up.  She knew I would just let it happen.”

“Why?” Dean asked.  He was hurting for Cas, not pity exactly, more empathy than anything.  “Why would you just let her treat you like that?”  Cas shrugged, picking at the seam of his jeans.

“With April, I don't know if I was scared or what, but I wasn't this person that you know.  She convinced me that I should change, that being blunt and opinionated like I am was causing me more harm than good, and I believed her, because I had no reason not to.”

“Cas,” Dean sighed, and though Cas would never admit it, he was pleased with the anger he could hear in his voice, the anger Dean was feeling on his behalf.  “Don't ever change.  You are who you are, and if some dumbass tries to make you change, they don't deserve you.”  Cas smiled, Dean’s words sounding so similar to Anna’s just then they comforted him just as much as she would.

“Thank you, Dean.  Though I have figured that out since then.”  Dean blushed, probably working over what he'd said and figuring out how sentimental it was.  “I haven't let anyone else that close to me since, though.”

“Scared it'll happen again?”

“Maybe a little,” Cas admitted, sliding his sunglasses back on.  Dean risked a longer look at him before turning back to the road.  “But also for practical reasons, like how I fell a bit behind in school.  Because of the stress I was under when I started college, I kept my course load small, and when April added her layer of stress, I had to drop even more classes.  Hence my extra year at school and my upcoming two summer classes.”

“So, basically, you're too busy?” Dean laughed.  Cas didn't see why it was funny, but Dean’s laugh had him smiling involuntarily.

“Well, yes.  I need to focus on my studies.  Gabriel has lined up a job for me with someone he knows, a good job, but they can't officially hire me unless I can finish my minor in business management, to supplement my major in business administration.”  

“Didn't peg you as a career man.”  Dean looked over at him briefly, an impressed look on his face.

“What kind of man did you think I'd be?” Cas asked, curious.  Dean paused to think for a moment.

“I don't know, a novelist or something?  It might have something to do with your flyaway hair, but I didn't see you as the desk job type, in spite of the way you dress.”  Cas looked down at his dark jeans and long sleeve, light blue button up.

“What's wrong with how I dress?” He asked, feeling a little self conscious.

“You _always_ wear nice clothes, like now, we’re riding in a car with leather seats, in Florida, in May, and you're wearing a long sleeve shirt.”  Dean's eyes darted to him, looking him over, and while he was looking Cas shrugged.

“So I like to dress nice, why does that matter?”  Dean just laughed.

“It doesn't, Cas.  I just meant I see you as more of a free spirit I guess.  It's part of what attracted me to you initially,” Dean rambled before shutting his mouth quickly and flushing.  Cas turned slightly in the seat to face Dean.

“Just because I have a nice job doesn't dictate the kind of life I live,” he pointed out, purposefully ignoring the comment about Dean’s initial attraction to him.  Dean always grew flustered when it was brought up, so Cas usually let it slide on purpose for Dean’s sake.

“I get that,” Dean grunted.  

“So you think I wouldn't enjoy my life if I worked a desk job?”

“I don't know, maybe?” Dean said, his hackles up.  He was flustered and Cas had no clue why the sudden change had come about.  He watched Dean’s face for a while, noting the set of his jaw, the determined way he watched the road, and the slight pink color at the tips of his ears.  Cas let the silence hang between them, turning his gaze to the road.  

Dean being willing to let his guard down around Cas did have its drawbacks, one of them being he would sometimes get randomly embarrassed or upset for no reason, and Cas would have to wait for him to get over it.  A new song started on the radio and it broke the tension between them.  Dean reached for the dial but Cas reached out to cover the knob.

“I like this song, could we leave it?”  Dean let out a breath.

“Sure, Cas.  I suppose it's not too bad, anyway,” Dean allowed, returning his hand to the wheel, a half smile on his face.  Cas nodded along with the song, lip syncing with the words, and was pleasantly surprised when Dean started to sing along, his disinterest in it forgotten.

 

 _You cut me off, I lost my track_  
_It's not my fault, I'm a maniac_  
_It's not funny anymore, no it's not_  
  
_My heart is like a stallion_  
_They love it more when it's broke in_  
_Do you wanna feel beautiful?_  
_Do you wanna? Yeah!_  
  
_I'm outside the door, invite me in_  
_So we can go back and play pretend_  
_I'm on deck, yeah, I'm up next_ _  
_ _Tonight I'm high as a private jet_

 

Maybe it was him getting everything off his chest, maybe it was Dean’s own lack of inhibitions rubbing off on him, but Cas was smiling, really smiling, like Anna made him smile.  Dean was smiling back when he’d catch Cas’ eyes, bright and glowing.  When he started to sing along with Dean, it was exhilarating, just letting go of everything holding him back.

 

 _Cause I don't know where you're going_  
_But do you got room for one more troubled soul?_  
_I don't know where I'm going_  
_But I don't think I'm coming home and I said_  
_I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead_  
_This is the road to ruin_  
_And we're starting at the end_  
  
_Say yeah (yeah!)_  
_Let's be alone together (yeah)_  
_We could stay young forever (yeah)_  
_Scream it from the top of your lungs, lungs, lungs_  
_Say yeah (yeah!)_  
_Let's be alone together (yeah)_  
_We could stay young forever (yeah)_  
_We'll stay young, young, young, young, young._

The wind was in his hair, and the car was flying down the highway, and for the first time Cas understood the appeal of a road trip, and he had discovered a new meaning for the phrase ‘open’ road.  He'd never felt so accepting of himself, of who he was, because he'd never been able to tell anyone, not even Anna about what April had done to him.  It was more than the infidelity, more than the shame, she had used his own emotions, his own thoughts against him, and he'd felt so violated afterwards, he had never wanted to be that vulnerable again.

When a group of girls drove by and cat called at their singing, both he and Dean stopped abruptly and burst out laughing, eyes meeting briefly before Dean’s turned back to the road.  Just in that brief look, Cas could feel the acceptance from Dean, and Cas wasn't afraid, wasn't worried about what Dean might do with the knowledge Cas had trusted him with.  Dean trusted him, and he trusted Dean back.

“You know, you're not half bad at the whole singing thing either,” Dean pointed out once they'd calmed down.

“I'm not anywhere near as good as you.”

“Well, no, course not, but you're not bad.”  Cas rolled his eyes as Dean winked at him, reaching over to pat his shoulder fondly before putting his hand back on the wheel.  It was a small touch, nothing special, but Cas didn't feel the urge to shy away, and that spoke volumes about the change coming over him. Cas settled back in the seat to get comfortable.

“Thank you for listening, Dean.”  The giddy moment had passed, and as he sobered, he noticed the weight that had lifted off his shoulders.

“Yeah, no problem, Cas.”  He could hear it in Dean’s voice, too, he knew the importance of what Cas had told him.  Cas settled in to wait out the drive, letting the hum of the engine and Dean’s singing lull him into a doze.

 

When they got to North Beach three and a half hours later, Cas directed Dean to Gabe’s neighborhood.  Dean was obviously impressed by both the fact it was a gated community and the size of some of the houses they drove by.

“You said he runs a bakery?” Dean asked incredulously.  Cas nodded.

“He’s been very successful, mostly because he’s so good at negotiation.  If you let him, he’ll talk you into giving him your car.”

“Not my Baby,” Dean growled and Cas laughed, getting a startled look from Dean.  Cas’ guard was still down from their earlier duet, and that look reminded him he’d left it down.  He hadn’t ever really given voice to his laugh around Dean before, or allowed him to see his smiles, but now he didn’t want to hide them.  It felt too much like lying.

“I didn’t mean you literally, Dean.  Your bond with this car is so profound I don’t think Gabe could even break it.”  Dean glared out the windshield, the smallest of smirks at the corner of his lips.  “This one here,” Cas said, pointing at the slightly smaller house coming up on their left with Gabe’s Omni out front.  Dean parked the car, staring at the smaller red car like it personally offended him.

“That’s your brother’s car?” he said slowly.  Cas nodded.

“Yeah, why?”

“He lives here, in this place, and that’s the car he-” Dean cuts himself off with a deep breath.  “You know, it’s none of my business, just gonna… yep.”  Dean climbed out of the Impala and Cas followed him, still smiling at Dean.

“You get strangely emotional around cars,” Cas pointed out, walking down to the trunk to get his things.  Dean shrugged, handing Cas his bag.

“Cars are simple, straightforward,” he explained, sobering slightly when he met Cas’ eyes.  “Cars have always been easier to deal with than people, if that makes sense.”  Cas let his gaze linger on Dean’s.

“Yeah, I think so,” he agreed.  Now that they were here, he was remembering the reason, and his good mood he’d built up on the ride down was starting to deflate a bit.

“Cassie!!”  Gabe’s voice rang out loud enough for the whole block to hear.

“Cassie?” Dean chuckled.  Cas ignored Dean and turned to greet his brother, who embraced him tightly after walking out to the car.  Cas grunted, pushing his brother off him none too gently.

“Hello, Gabriel.  This is-”

“Dean-o!  Welcome to my humble abode!” Gabe interrupted, reaching out to shake Dean’s cautiously offered hand.  

“Hi,” was all Dean managed to say.  Gabe turned to Cas, whispering loudly.

“Too bad you didn’t bring the tall one.  I mean, this one is even more attractive with clothes on but the taller brother…”  Cas rolled his eyes, and Dean coughed.

“Sam has a _girlfriend,_ Gabriel, as I’ve said before.”

“Doesn’t stop me dreaming…”  The Impala’s trunk closing draws their attention back to Dean.  Cas took note that Dean had left his bag in the car, and belatedly realized he hadn't mentioned they'd been invited to stay at Gabe's.

“Dean-” Cas started. but Gabe jumped in before him.

“Where’s your bag? Planning on wearing the same outfit all weekend?” Gabe asked.  Dean looked between the brothers, fairly confused.

“I was, uh, going to find a motel somewhere-”  Dean let out an undignified yelp when Gabe grabbed hold of his shoulders, gesturing widely towards his house.

“Nonsense.  I have a spare room, a futon, and an air mattress.  No sense in you paying ridiculous amounts of money to stay somewhere else.”  Dean looked over his shoulder at Cas, helplessly, and Cas couldn't help the smile on his face.

“He has a point, Dean.  All lodgings in this area are quite expensive.”  Dean glared at him and opened the trunk to grab his bag.  Cas followed behind them as Gabe practically pushed Dean towards the house.

Cas had been here many times before, the untidy swath of mail, books, clothes, blankets, and other such belongings spread around the large living room were nothing new.  He dropped his bag on the leather couch, looking towards the kitchen where Gabe was opening a Coke for Dean and himself.

“Thanks for driving my baby bro all the way down here,” he said, winking at Cas.  “I’m sure he made it a chore for you.”  Dean glanced at Cas, seemingly resigned to his fate as Gabe’s entertainment, and shrugged.

“It wasn’t too bad, really.  I’ve been on worse roadtrips.”

“Just never take one with Gabriel, and you’ll be all set,” came a voice from the stairs behind Cas.  He spun quickly, a huge grin spreading across his face.

“Anna!” he gasped, rushing forward to embrace her as she stepped off the last stair.  He was filled with gratitude for his sister’s presence, her comforting arms wrapping around him tightly.

“Castiel,” she greeted him softly, lowering her voice even further.  “I thought you might want some company today.”  He nodded, the reason for this trip becoming a heavy presence in the back of his mind.

“Thank you,” he breathed.  She smiled and they walked out into the kitchen.

“Dean, this is my sister, Anna,” he said.  “Anna this is Dean.”

“Nice to meet you,” Dean said genuinely.  Cas kept waiting for the flirtatious wink, the crooked smile Dean gave most women, but maybe out of respect for Cas, he didn’t do either.  Cas felt oddly grateful as all he did was shake his sister’s hand.

“Dean, I’ve heard a lot about you,” she said with her gentle smile, and Cas could tell she was also a by surprised at how polite he was being.  Dean flushed.

“Hope it wasn’t all that bad,” he said awkwardly, glancing at Cas.  She shook her head.

“No, not that bad.”

“Okay, why don’t we all go grab some lunch, Dean-o can show off that fancy car of his in the driveway,” Gabe interjected.  He could never stay out of the center of attention for long, and Cas sighed, refusing to get annoyed with his brother this early into his visit.

“Gabe, Dean doesn’t know this town very well, it’s rude for you to volunteer him to drive us around,” he pointed out.  Gabe opened his mouth to defend himself, but Dean beat him to it.

“It’s alright, Cas.  I wouldn’t step foot in that Omni if you paid me,” Dean said casually, but the challenge was written all over the square of his shoulders.  Gabe narrowed his eyes at Dean.

“I’ve put some work into that car, you might be surprised at what Ruby can do.”

“I’m sure,” Dean chuckled.  “Ruby, huh?  It’s almost adorable actually, that tiny little thing, perfect size for you-”

“Well, you sure you’re not compensating for-”

“Alright, boys, put the testosterone away,” Anna interrupted, much to Cas’ relief.  Gabe was still glaring at Dean, who was obviously pleased with himself for irking Cas’ brother.  Cas hid his pleased smile, not quite willing to admit he was impressed with Dean, too.  “Dean, if you’d be okay with it, I would appreciate a ride to get something to eat before Cas and I go see our mother.”  Those words had a sudden sobering effect on the whole group.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean said, the smirk falling off his face as he finished the last of the Coke Gabe had given him.

“I’m quite hungry, myself.  We didn’t have a huge breakfast, and we drove straight through,” Cas pointed out.  Anna nodded,

“Alright, why don’t we do Luna Capresse?” she asked, gathering up her purse.  “They have large enough portions to satisfy Gabe, should be enough food for everyone.”

“Sure, I’ll make a call, make sure they have a table ready,” Gabe said, pulling out his phone.  Dean and Cas walked out to the car, a brief moment of privacy since Anna had lingered back in the house with Gabe.  Probably to chastise him, Cas thought with half a smile.

“Sorry about that, I see what you mean about your brother getting under people’s skin,” Dean muttered.  Cas shrugged.

“That was pretty mild, really.  For him, anyway.”  Dean looked up at him.

“You alright?” he asked, and Cas realized just how tense he was.  Cas knew his emotions were running close to the surface today, but he didn’t feel uncomfortable with Dean seeing him like this, not anymore.  

“Yeah, I’m fine.  Just a little nervous.”  Dean nodded, turning at the sound of Gabe’s voice.

“Alright, they’re ready for us whenever we get there,” he said with a smile.  Cas let Anna have the front seat, sliding into the back with Gabe.

“That was quick,” Dean said, turning on the car and backing out of Gabe’s driveway.

“I know the owner.  Pays to be a fellow foodie in this town,” Gabe said smugly.

“Don’t brag, it’s not polite,” Anna chastised.

“Yes, _mom_ ,” Gabe whined, and Cas grinned.  He had _missed_ his siblings, the banter, the teasing, their love and support.  He caught Dean’s eye in the rearview mirror, and there was something knowing in that look, but Cas didn’t shy away from it, he just smiled back.  They pass the drive to the restaurant with small talk, Anna and Gabe talking to Cas about school, Anna asking polite questions about Dean and his brother, Gabe talking about his recent exploits.  By the time they got to the restaurant, Gabe was in the middle of telling Dean one of his favorite stories about some member of some band Cas had never heard of ordering a cake from Gabe’s bakery.  He was practically dragging Dean ahead as he talked, and when Cas went to follow, Anna put a hand on his arm to stop him.

“Are you okay?” she asked quietly, very obviously concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  Cas frowned.  “I’m a little nervous about this afternoon, but I’m good.  Why wouldn’t I be?”  She searched his face for a moment.

“You just seem… different.  Not necessarily in a bad way, just… different.  To start with, Dean’s been around this whole time and you’re acting like it’s just me and Gabe, which is unusual in itself.”  Cas took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“I told him about April.”  One sentence, that was all he said, but it had a huge impact on his sister.

“You did?” she gasped.  Her face was shocked, to say the least, eyebrows shooting up and eyes popping open.

“I did,” Cas repeated.  “Anna, I’m about to graduate college, maybe it’s time I grow up a little, alright?”  He smiled at her fondly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders briefly.  “To be fair, all I did was decide to trust Dean, and I think it’s paid off in a good friend.”  Anna opened her mouth to answer but didn't have a chance.

“You two coming or what?” Gabe called, stepping back out of the restaurant to yell at them.  Anna hesitates for one small moment.

“As long as you’re happy, Cas.  That’s all I want,” she finally said with a small smile, walking with him into the restaurant.

Lunch passed much the same way the car trip did, only with Gabe talking a lot more that he had in the car.  Dean even participated in the conversation some, and Cas found himself watching Dean closely, the shift of the facial expressions on his face, the way his shoulders and arms would move.  He was guarded, keeping his confident facade up in front of Cas’ siblings, making sure they didn't see how nervous he was being around them.  But Cas could see it.

Dean drove them back to Gabe’s house, and Cas began to regret the large lunch he'd eaten, his nerves making his stomach twist.  Dean stood awkwardly off to the side of the driveway as the siblings gathered around Gabe’s Omni.

“Here,” Gabe said, shoving his car keys in Anna’s hand without preamble.

“You're not coming?” Cas asked.  He shook his head, lowering his voice slightly.

“Sorry, bro.  Don't want to overwhelm her.”  There was more to it than that, but Cas let it go.  Gabe stepped away with a sad smile, walking up to Dean and grabbing his arm.

“Dean-o and I will find something to watch on one of these 250 channels I pay for,” he called out.  Dean looked back at Cas, concern in his eyes but helpless against Gabe’s pull.  Cas felt Anna’s hand on his arm, and he turned back to see her smile.

“You ready?” she asked gently.  He nodded and climbed into Gabe’s car, trying not to think too hard about where Anna was driving them to.  Of course, it didn't work, and all too soon they were climbing out of the car and walking into the sterile lobby of the assisted living home where their mother lived.  It felt cold, impersonal, and while Cas could recognize the need for places like this, it didn’t make it any better of a place to visit.

“Naomi Milton, please,” Anna said to the receptionist.  The young woman looked up their mother, took their IDs, and once they were checked against the visitors list, she pointed them in the direction of her room.  The hallway was oddly quiet, almost too quiet, even Anna didn't say anything to him on their way, just a comforting presence by his side.  When they got to her door, it was open, their mother sitting in a chair reading a book.  Anna nodded encouragingly, hanging back by the door while Cas walked in.

“Mom?” he said gently, cautiously.  She looked up from her book, a small smile gracing her features.  Her eyes were a bit duller than he remembered, but if what Gabe had been telling him over the years was true, today seemed to be a good day.

“Castiel, hello.  It's nice to see you,” she said quietly, reaching out for him.  He walked up, holding his hand out and letting her grasp his fingers in her frail grip.  The years had not been kind to her, but they'd taken their toll on their whole family, none of them were immune.

“I'm about to graduate college, Mom.  About to finally finish with school,” he said, smiling down at her.  She looked so proud, attempting to squeeze his hand tighter.  Little moments like this were what Cas clung to, the good moments.  So much of their lives were clouded with bad moments, he committed to memory all the good ones he could.

“That's wonderful, Castiel.  I've been praying for you, for God to guide you.”  Cas nodded, keeping his grimace from showing on his face.  That was a line of thought he didn't want to go down, the good moment already slipping from his grip.

“How have you been?” he asked quietly, trying to steer her away.  Her smile wavered slightly, and her eyes glanced around her room.  As far as Cas could tell she hadn’t even noticed Anna was there.

“I've been okay.  Your brother keeps me supplied with all the books I could possibly read.  There's a nurse here, Amy, who takes very good care of your old mother,” her eyes grow moist, regret washing off her in waves.  “Castiel, I'm so sorry, I-”

“Shh, hey it's okay,” he soothes immediately, kneeling in front of her.  The woman in front of him was a bare shell of the woman he remembered from when he was little, the overbearing, righteous woman replaced with a small, remorseful one.  She tried to focus on him as he kneeled in front of her, but her eyes weren't seeing him.   _Oh, no…_ “Mom?” he asked cautiously.

“Castiel?” she said, sounding fearful now.  She was looking at him through eyes that didn't recognize him, full of fear and anger.  “Why did you take him from me?” she asked, suddenly gripping his hand with unexpected strength.  “I prayed and you came from heaven and took my child away, even now you posses him, you won't let him go!”  She was getting frantic, and Cas glanced over his shoulder at Anna, who disappeared down the hallway to look for a nurse.

“Mom, it is me, I'm here,” he said soothingly, trying to get through to her.

“No, you're an angel, you're not my son.”  Her other hand was clawing at his shirt now, trying to grasp it and pull him closer.  “Castiel, give me back my son, please!  Let him go!”  A flurry of nurses came in, speaking in soothing voices and prying his mother’s hand off his wrist.  He backed away, fighting against the emotion welling up in his throat.  Just like that, it was over.  Anna placed a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged it away.

“Let's go,” he said, turning and walking away without looking back.  He had an idea what to expect, but hearing about it from Gabe or Anna was totally different than experiencing his mother’s breakdown in person.  She had gotten much worse than he’d realized, even in just the seven years since he’d seen her.  He didn't know what he thought this trip would accomplish, whether it was for her sake or for his own, but now he could say it was done.  He walked straight out to the car, leaning on the door and waiting for Anna to catch up.  She came out ten minutes later, looking a bit flustered, but mostly concerned for him.

“Castiel-”

“Don't,” he cut her off.  “Don't, please, Anna.”  He didn't want to talk about it, not yet.  She unlocked the car and climbed in without saying another word.  Cas was completely zoned out as they drove back to Gabe’s, trying to force himself not to think about anything.  He needed something mundane, something he could focus on without really thinking.  His thoughts wandered to dinner that night, what they should have.

“Can we stop at the grocery store?” he asked Anna.  She glanced over at him, an almost pitying look on her face.

“Yeah, sure,” was all she said.  He texted Gabe to see what he had in his kitchen at home, making sure he had the basics for what Cas wanted to make that night.  He tried not to think about what annoying things Gabe was doing right now with Dean, hopefully not torturing the guy too badly.  He had confidence that Gabe would be able to tell when to stop.  He usually could, but Dean knew how to play the game too, and that could make for a volatile combination.  

A short trip to the store and they were pulling back into Gabe’s driveway.  Between the two of them they managed to get all the groceries in one trip, Anna opening the door for them.

“Ah, the conquering heroes,” Gabe called, standing up from his couch and walking out to the kitchen.  Dean looked over his shoulder from the couch, and Cas watched tension ooze out of his shoulders and face, his strained smile spreading into a genuine one.

“Need any help?” Dean asked.  

“No, thank you, we’ll manage.”  Cas managed to hitch a small smile onto his face before walking in the kitchen, knowing it wasn't much, but it was all he could do.  Anna left Cas and Gabe to the groceries, walking out to make small talk with Dean while they worked on dinner.

“You've got enough food for an army here,” Gabe pointed out, helping Cas unpack the shopping bags.

“You haven't seen how much Dean can really eat when given a chance.”  Cas’ voice was clipped, but he was struggling so hard to keep himself under control, he wasn't surprised.  Something in his tone must have caught Gabe’s attention, because his brother immediately softened.

“She has good days and bad days,” Gabe lowered his voice, letting out some of the kindness he wasn't accustomed to showing.  “I do my best, but there's only so much that can be done.”  Cas nodded.

“I know, and I know you're doing this mostly for me.  Thank you, for trying to take care of her.”  Gabe opened his mouth to say something else, but swallowed whatever he was going to say, pulling out utensils for cooking the dinner Cas bought.  A wave of gratitude for his brother came over Cas, relaxing him as he settled in to the familiar patterns of cooking.

Gabe was obnoxious to a fault, but he always supported Cas, no matter what.  It wasn't often he let his gentle side show, but it was always right when Cas needed it, right when he was about to break.  Anna returned for a couple beers, noting the mood in the kitchen and pausing to kiss Gabe on the cheek.  He winked at her and half smiled, continuing to trim the vegetables he was working on.  Cas prepared a roast, popping it in the slow cooker with Gabe’s veggies, and kicked Gabe out of the kitchen to prepare a pie.  He vaguely heard his brother explaining to Dean that Cas did his best thinking when alone in a kitchen, and that Dean wouldn't be disappointed.  He felt bad for neglecting Dean, but surprisingly Dean seemed to get along well enough with Gabe that he wasn't complaining.  Cas knew it was probably just for his sake, but he appreciated it no less.

An hour and a half later, with dinner in the crock pot and dessert set aside, Cas finally retreated from the kitchen.  Cooking had done what Cas needed it to, he’d calmed himself down, soothing his mood enough to make him better company again.  His siblings and Dean were watching Game of Thrones, all silent and focused in on the television.  Apparently something important was happening, but Cas had no clue what that was.  He smiled fondly at the sight, turning towards Gabe’s spare room where Anna had taken their bags to change into a clean shirt, his current one worse for the wear after dinner.  Gabe had two extra bedrooms, the one with the actual bed Anna was using, so the other one with just a futon was left for him and Dean to share.  Gabe had dropped an air mattress unceremoniously into the center of the room for one of them, but still quarters were tight.  

Cas lifted his bag onto the futon before he pulled off his button up and his tank, searching in his bag for his tee shirt he brought to sleep in.

“Hey, dinner smells fantastic,” Dean was saying as he walked in.  Cas turned his head as he walked in, catching Dean’s eyes widening as he caught sight of Cas shirtless.  Cas kept his back to him, turning back to his bag and pulling out the plain grey cotton tee, and he could still feel Dean’s eyes on him.

“As you've told me, it's impolite to stare,” Cas pointed out.  Dean flushed.

“Sorry man,” he laughed, and Cas could practically see him rubbing the back of his neck, “I’m only human, and you're….”  He cleared his throat.  “Anyway, Gabe said I could try out the pool, thought I would work up an appetite.”  He moved to where his bag was resting on the floor, digging through and finding a pair of swim trunks.  

“You don't need to work up an appetite, yours is big enough as is,” Cas said pointedly, rubbing the fabric of his shirt between his fingers, thinking.  Going out to the pool with Dean might be the closest he would get to privacy for a bit.  “A swim sounds pretty good, actually,” he agreed.  He dug around for his own swim shorts, glad he'd thought to pack them.  Dean was the one that had pointed out they'd be near the beach, and Cas mentioned that Gabe had a pool, so Dean had excitedly announced he was packing his trunks.  Dean shuffled off to the bathroom, and Cas shut the door behind him, slipping out of his jeans and into his swim shorts.  He caught sight of himself in the mirror, the jagged scar running across his stomach in a diagonal line that he'd almost forgotten he had suddenly embarrassingly obvious.  He thought about putting his tank back on, but that would definitely draw more attention than a scar Dean _might_ see through the water.  He turned quickly before changing his mind, walking out of the room and grabbing a couple towels out of Gabe’s linen closet.  He made his way out back to the pool, ignoring the looks from his siblings.  

Gabe had gone a bit overboard with his pool, putting in a waterfall and an adjoining hot tub, but Cas found the white noise relaxing.  He dropped the towels on one of the chairs and walked down the steps into the water, dipping under to wet his hair.  It was warm enough outside, the temperature of the water was perfect, and Cas leaned back, floating slightly, his eyes closed against the sun.  Not two moments later, he was tumbled through the water when Dean jumped in right next to him.  When Cas surfaced Dean was there laughing at him, shaking water out of his hair.

“Sorry, I had to, man,” Dean chuckled.  Cas glared at him, but felt the corner of his mouth turning up in a smile.

“So disrespectful,” he sighed, turning his back to Dean and swimming a short distance away.

“You wouldn't want me any other way,” Dean continued with a laugh, and Cas could hear the smirk on his face.  Cas ducked under the water to hide his smile, returning to his floating position one he surfaced.  He could feel the water move as Dean took a few laps, stilling when he heard Dean swimming up a bit closer.

“Yes, Dean?” he asked, lifting his head to look at him.  Dean flushed, surprised that even though Cas wasn't watching him he knew Dean was searching for something to say.

“I, uh, you seemed a little off when you came back, I guess I just… I don't know, wanted to make sure you were okay?”  He refused to look at Cas, his cheeks pink, and Cas couldn't help but smile.

“I'll be alright.  My mother has some health problems, and I haven't seen her in awhile, not since high school.  It's… hard to see her like that.”  Dean met his eyes.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked quietly, like he was worried he was overstepping some boundary.  Cas felt his head quirk to the side, a smile he was unable to stop creeping up on his face.

“When did you get so sentimental?” he asked teasingly.  Dean shrugged, trying to play off his embarrassment.

“If you don't want to, fine, I was just offering,” he muttered, swimming away.  Cas laughed.

“Maybe after dinner, okay?” he said, and Dean turned, surprise on his face.

“Yeah, sure Cas.”  

Cas tried to ignore the ridiculously happy feeling that Dean’s sincerity filled him with, because Dean didn't know about his baggage yet, and Cas wasn't sure what would happen after he found out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me some comments guys! I know there was a LOT in this chapter, let me know if I was unclear on anything, or if you notice any inconsistencies <3 Your responses give me motivation and happiness.
> 
> Don't forget the Kudos button :D


	7. Chapter Seven- Summer Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, again a story filled, very heavy chapter. I'd say it gets better, but we've got a few chapters to go before then :-/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning:
> 
> Mentions of harm to a child/ almost child abuse, but not really?? Also more on his mother's mental illness.

They swam around aimlessly for about thirty more minutes, till Anna stuck her head out the back door to announce that Cas’ timer was going off.  When he climbed out of the pool, he could feel Dean’s eyes watching him, so he kept his back to Dean, wrapping up in the towel.  He'd successfully managed to keep his scar hidden, for now, mostly out of sheer luck.  He hurried to the kitchen, checking the roast and lowering the temperature before hurrying upstairs to change out of his wet clothes.

He walked into the bathroom, peeling his wet swim trunks off and draping them over the shower rod to dry, toweling off before hanging that up as well.  Facing his reflection in the mirror, he paused for a moment to really look at himself.  He was muscular, not necessarily built, but toned and lean.  He wasn't pale, but he didn't spend much time in the sun without a shirt, so he wouldn't call himself tan.  He reached down to his stomach, tracing a finger along the scar.  It was thin, no longer as pronounced as it had been previous years, running from his hip across his abdomen up towards his pectoral.  Over the years it had slowly diminished, but never gone away, a constant reminder to never take anything for granted.

A knock startled him out of his reverie.  

“Cas?  You've got a house full of hungry people waiting on you,” Gabe called through the bathroom door.  Cas quickly dressed, making his way downstairs and heading straight for the kitchen.  

He served the pot roast out, trying to ignore the strange feeling he seemed to get from eating with his family  _ and _ Dean.  It was the opposite of uncomfortable, like he would have expected, instead it felt oddly normal.  Dean was talking to Gabe about the Impala, passion and excitement evident in his voice and body.  Gabe was surprisingly keeping up with him, and Cas watched Dean grudgingly become impressed.  Gabe had put a lot of work into his Omni over the years, and that was at least one thing he and Dean had in common.

When it came time for dessert, Anna stood to help Cas, even though he didn't really need it.  He'd gotten the feeling she wanted to talk but because of Dean she’d been quiet throughout dinner.  She pulled the dessert plates out of the cupboard as Cas sliced the pie.

“I'm sorry, about this afternoon,” she said gently.  He shook his head as he served the pie, putting an extra large portion on Dean’s plate.

“There's nothing you could have done to make it different,” he sighed.  “I knew what I would be walking into.”

“Castiel-”

“Anna, I'm okay, really,” he insisted calmly.  “I've been dealing with this for almost 20 years, I can handle it.”  She wrapped an arm around him, leaning in to kiss his forehead.  Cas felt a surge of affection for his older sister.  Even though now she had to stand on her tiptoes to kiss him, he would always look up to her.

“Alright, if you're sure.  You know, if you ever need to talk…”  He smiled at her and nodded, grabbing two of the plates and leaving her to grab the other two.  When he walked out to the table, Dean’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head at the sight of the apple pie Cas was carrying.  When he dug in without hesitation, moaning around a huge mouthful of pie, all three Milton sibling started to laugh.

“Dean, honey, can we keep it PG at my dinner table please?” Gabe said with a wink.  Dean’s ears flushed pink.

“Sorry, this is just really freakin good pie,” he managed to say when he finally swallowed.  “Did you make this?” he asked Gabe.  Gabe pointed at Cas, and when Dean’s awestruck eyes met Cas’, Cas felt his own flush creep up his neck.  “You- you made this?!” Dean stammered.  Cas nodded.

“Makes an apple pie even better than mine, and I work at a damn bakery,” Gabe laughed.  “But our little Cassie likes to keep his talent to himself.  Been on him for ages to buy his tricks off him, but he won't even let me watch him make it.”  Gabe had puffed up while bragging about him and Cas felt his shoulders shrinking down into himself in embarrassment.

“I’d like to keep at least one thing to myself,” Cas muttered, nibbling at his own slice.  

“Well, congratulations, Cas, only my mom does apple pie better,” Dean said, stuffing another large bite of pie in his mouth, oblivious to the amused look that passed between Cas’ older siblings.  Cas felt himself sitting a bit straighter again after Dean’s compliment.

The dishes were tidied and dinner was digested, the early morning started to affect everyone, and they all retreated to different parts of the house for bed.  Anna made her way into the room she was using, and Gabe retreated to his bedroom with a loud chastisement of “keep your hands to yourselves.”  Cas moved around Gabe’s other spare room, seeing to their sleeping arrangements.  He busied himself setting up the air mattress, unrolling it and flipping the pump on as Dean fetched his swim trunks from the spare bathroom by the living room.

All through dinner Cas had been filled with a strange, happy feeling that he wasn't used to.  His siblings always made him content, but there was something different in the dynamic having Dean there, something that both widened Cas’ world and yet reduced it to the four of them at that table.  It might have been in part the comfort food, but he had to admit that Dean's friendship was starting to mean more to him than he thought it would.

Now that he was on his own for a brief window, the absence of people let his mind wander to that afternoon.  His mother’s face, looking right at him without seeing him, the way she had clawed at him, pleading for him to come back...  A shuddering breath escaped him as the pain finally settled in, the pain Anna had expected him to feel at the home, that he'd pushed away.  He had told Anna he was alright, because he wanted to believe it, and he wanted her to believe it.  Now, though, he was pretty sure he wasn't okay.  His fingers trembled as he shut off the pump for the air mattress, barely managing to put on the sheet.

“Cas, you can have the futon,” Dean said as he came back in the room, “I'm alright with sleeping on the floor.”  Cas turned to Dean, feeling a little desperate, and he knew it was showing on his face.  “Hey, you okay?” he asked, instantly focused in on Cas’ distress.  Cas tugged at his shirt to hide the trembling in his hands.

“Would you… I can't sleep yet, and I was hoping you might join me in the pool again?” he asked hurriedly.  He didn’t know why, maybe it was a sense of security, that his siblings wouldn’t overhear him, but he just felt too claustrophobic suddenly in that room.  Dean was watching him carefully, concern written all over his face, mixed with confusion about what must have happened in the few minutes he was gone.  Cas just needed to think, and while he usually figured this out on his own, for the first time ever he was desperate for company.

“Of course, Cas.”  Dean lifted the hand holding his trunks.  “I'll go change and meet you there?”  Cas nodded and Dean left the room.  Cas gathered his now dry trunks from the floor by his bag, stripping and sliding them on, pausing to try and calm his anxious stomach.  Nerves were bad enough without being queasy.  The guest bathroom was empty when he walked out, Dean’s clothes on the floor and Dean gone, so he grabbed his old towel off the rack.  He quietly made his way through the house out onto the pool deck, the warmth from the day’s sun still clinging to the stone beneath his feet.  Dean was already in the pool, watching Cas close the sliding glass door.  He took a deep breath, nerves battling for control of his body as he dropped his towel on a chair, baring his scar.  Dean's eyes darted to it, but his facial expression of concern didn't change as Cas slid into the fairly warm water.

“I know this was an odd request,” he sighed, dropping down so even in the three foot deep water he was submerged up to his shoulders.  Dean paddled over to the wall, leaning his head back on the ledge so he could watch Cas, his legs lazily kicking.

“I feel like there's something on your mind,” Dean said gently.  Cas nodded, swimming over to the wall next to Dean, resting his arm on the ledge and his chin on his arm.  Words started to tumble from his mouth before he even had a chance to think, words he'd never said to anyone coming so easily to the man floating next to him..

“My mother had always been a very Godly woman, according to Gabriel he and Anna could recite bible verses before their ABC’s.  Our names, even, all come from angels.  My name is the angel of Thursday.”  Dean smiled gently.

“Angel of Thursday, huh, sounds important,” he jested, pulling the barest of smiles out of Cas.  He could appreciate the joke even as ill timed as it was, because he knew all Dean was doing was trying to make him comfortable.

“When I was five, my dad, who himself hadn't really been into the whole religion thing, filed for divorce.  My mom, she uh, didn't take it too well.  She fought against it until it broke her.  She became convinced that I was possessed by the actual Castiel, the Angel, and that as punishment for her sin, the divorce, I was sent to take her son away.”  Dean sat up then went completely still, any semblance of a smile fading off his face.  

“Cas,...” he breathed, heavy with emotion.  Cas looked over at him, nodding to show he understood, and continued speaking.

“For a year, Gabe, who was fourteen, basically took care of us, me at 5 and Anna at eleven, because my mom just couldn't anymore.  She'd sometimes have days of perfectly normal behavior, and others she would just check out, lost in her own head.  A day came after a year of this, Gabe was out with friends, Anna refused to come out of her room, and I was hungry, so I went out into the kitchen where my mom was cooking.  She uh,” Cas’ throat closed up and his eyes grew wet.  He felt movement in the water, Dean’s hand moving to rest against his shoulder.  He couldn't have cared less in that moment about petty things like personal space and skin on skin contact, he was just relieved to have Dean there.  “You have to understand, I was six, I had no idea what was happening to my mother.  So when I saw her crying I just wanted to help her, and when I moved to hug her, something in her broke.  She started ranting, something along the lines of ‘damaging the vessel to force the Angel to show himself’.  She swung at me with a knife.”  He stood, rising up so the water reached his waist, exposing the scar along his stomach.  “I don't remember much about the following week, but when I left the hospital, my siblings and I were set up in foster care.  Anna and I were allowed to stay together, some kid shrink claiming it would be good for me, but Gabe went with another family.  Three years later he convinced someone he could take care of us, and we were finally together again, but those years were rough.  Gabe kept tabs on mom for me, because in spite of everything she was still my mom, and I was just too little to understand what had really happened.  It wasn't until my third or fourth visit when I realized that every time she saw me…she wasn't seeing me, she saw an angel who stole her son...”  Cas sunk back down under the water, and as soon as he reached level with Dean and met his eyes, glowing in the light from the pool, the tears he'd been holding back started flowing.  He felt ridiculous, because he hadn't cried about this in years, but something about this trip had worn down any and all inhibitions he'd had before, and he couldn't stop them.

“Alright, it's alright,” Dean hummed, reaching out to grip Cas’ shoulder again.  Again, the idea of personal space seemed silly in that moment, and he gave in to what he needed, which was comfort.  He fell forward, his forehead landing on Dean’s shoulder.  Dean stiffened, but didn't move him away, his hand eventually coming to rest just where Cas’ neck and shoulder met.  

Cas cried.  He cried tears he hadn’t cried in years, and as he fell apart Dean stood there, a rock anchoring him.  An embarrassingly long amount of time went by before Cas was able to pull himself together and he pushed back with his feet, floating a foot or so away from Dean.

“Sorry, I don't usually break down like that,” he mumbled, washing his face off with some pool water. 

“Don't apologize for being human, Cas.  I won't accept that kind of apology,” Dean said firmly.  Cas looked up at him, completely stunned by the adamant tone of Dean’s voice.

“Okay,” Cas sniffed.  Dean held his gaze a little while longer before holding his hand out to Cas.

“Here, come here,” he said.  Cas took his hand and let Dean pull him through the water towards the waterfall.  

“When my dad was gone, the stress of taking care of my family really settled on me.  I did the best I could but some days were harder than others.”  Cas wondered where the story was going, but didn't interrupt him, just watched him as he spoke.  “So on those days, when I could hardly take it anymore, I would take a really long shower.  I would imagine all the stress, all the bad feelings and regret I was carrying on my shoulders, and once I had all that in my head, I would let the shower wash them away.”  He smiled gently down at Cas as he stood up, the light from the pool dancing along his tattooed skin.  “No one, no matter how strong, can go through life carrying all their problems all the time, sometimes you've just gotta wash it away.”  He held his hand out to Cas again, and Cas stood, letting Dean pull him under the waterfall.  He leaned in close so Cas could hear him over the water.  “Just this once, just let it all go.”

And he did.  He forgot his mother, April, his fears of being close to people, his stress about school; he let it all go.  He focused in on the water hitting the top of his head, running down over his shoulders, the way the waist deep water helped him feel a bit more weightless.  He forgot everything, and for the first time in a long time, every bit of tension went out of his body.  With a smile, he fell forward, dropping under the water and popping up again with a smile on his face.  Dean was a few feet away, watching with a smile nearly as large as Cas’.  His eyes were shining, and Cas would have almost sworn he was about to cry.

“Better?” he asked.  Cas nodded. 

“Much.  Thank you,” he sighed.  Dean nodded.

“Anytime.”  

_ He meant it _ .  Cas heard the promise in his voice.

Wordlessly they climbed out of the pool, drying off as best as they could before making their way down to the spare room again.  They took turns in the bathroom, Cas taking a quick shower to wash the chlorine off his skin, and Dean doing the same on his turn.  Cas dressed in his pajamas and climbed onto the air mattress.

“Cas, I said I was fine with the floor,” Dean sighed when he came back from the bathroom, dressed in sweats but still shirtless.

“This is my brother’s home, which makes you more of a guest than me, so you get the futon,” Cas insisted stubbornly.  Dean just shook his head.

“Fine, you win,” he sighed, turning out the light and climbing onto the futon.  In the darkness there was some rustling of fabric, then silence.  

“Hey, Dean?” came Cas’ voice out of the dark, before he even realized he was speaking.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you, for coming,” he said quietly.  He wanted to say more, to tell Dean how glad he was they'd become friends, how important he'd become to Cas, but no other words would come.

“You're welcome,” he whispered back.  It wasn't long after that Cas slipped off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

 

The next morning Cas was jolted awake by the sound of his brother’s voice and his fist pounding on the door.

“Okay, sleepyheads, any longer and I'm going to come in and do a hand check!  It's time to feed me, let's get a move on!!”  

Cas groaned, sitting up on the half deflated air mattress.

“ _ Shit _ ,” Dean breathed from above Cas on the futon, fumbling with the blanket.

“Gabe definitely lacks finesse,” Cas muttered, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

“Yeah, I've got that,” Dean grunted irritably.  Cas managed to crawl off the air mattress, undoing the stopper and making his way to where his bag was on the floor, pulling out clean jeans and a peach button up.

“Better get going, though, or he will make good on his threat,” Cas chuckled, sleep still clinging to his voice and itching his throat.  

“Yeah just… gimme a minute,” Dean muttered.  Cas turned to look back at Dean, a bit confused by the tone of his voice.  He hadn't moved, laying on his back with his knees tucked up, the blanket bunched at his waist.  His hands were running at his temples, his face was flushed and he refused to look at Cas.

A little lightbulb clicked on in the back of Cas’ mind what might be keeping Dean from getting out of bed, and looking that embarrassed.

“I’ll, uh, go get changed in the bathroom,” he said, trying not to seem like he was rushing out of the room.  He didn't want to embarrass Dean further by letting on he'd noticed his… problem.  Once in the bathroom he brushed the morning breath out of his mouth and changed, opting to leave his pajamas in the bathroom to give Dean as much time as he needed.  Biology was biology, and Cas had experienced a morning wood before, but unlike someone who was as sexually active as Dean, once Cas was awake his usually went down right away.  If Dean had been  _ dreaming  _ about something…

When Cas stumbled distractedly into the kitchen for coffee, Gabe smirked at him.

“Maybe a hand check is too late this morning,” he hummed, clearly amused with himself.  Cas shot him a glare and he held up his hand in a defensive gesture.  “Sorry, not before coffee, got it.”

“Leave him alone, Gabriel,” Anna sighed, annoyed.  “How many years has it been and you still don't know how to give him a break about his sexuality?”  Cas blinked at his sister, both offended and thankful at the same time.

“So the entire house except me is all sorts of grumpy this morning,” Gabe muttered, walking away with his coffee.  Cas looked over at Anna.

“You alright?” he asked. 

“Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just…”  She looked up at Cas’ disbelieving look and shrugged.  “It's something between Michael and I, we got in an argument over the phone last night.”

“Anything serious?” Cas asked, his irritation fading in favor of concern.  She shook her head.

“No, but, it's just hard to deal with over the phone, it's hard to get a read on his mood.”  Cas nodded, walking over and wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

“You know, that offer to talk goes both ways,” he said softly.  She smiled up at him and he smiled back, sipping his coffee as he walked away to sit at the table across from her.

“You seem better this morning,” she said casually.  Cas met her gaze evenly.

“I am.  I think I've finally come to terms with everything.  Might be why I had this urge to come see her this time, to figure it all out and let it all go.”  She nodded but before she could say anything, Dean came into the kitchen.  He was much more subdued than a normal morning, no grousing or groaning, and if Anna hadn't been there Cas might have said something.  As it was, he let it go to avoid embarrassing Dean further.

“Coffee?” Dean asked the room at large, carefully avoiding Cas’ gaze.  Anna pointed to where the pot was.

“There should be some left, cups are in the upper right cabinet.”  Dean nodded and set to work pouring his coffee.

“Everyone finally up and about?” Gabe called as he walked back in with an empty coffee cup.

“Yeah, thanks for that,” Dean said grumpily.  Gabe ignored him.

“I've got a lovely spread set out at the bakery for breakfast, and then I figured you guys would probably want to be on your way,” he said to Cas. 

“Sounds good,” Cas agreed, finishing his coffee and dropping his cup off in the sink.  He was ready to get back to school and put the visit behind him.  Though it hadn’t gone as badly as it could have, and as his gaze passed to Dean, a part of him almost wished he had more time.

“Yeah, works for me,” Dean agreed, drinking his coffee a bit too fast.  Cas watched him for a second, but Dean refused to acknowledge him, at least it seemed that way to Cas’ emotionally exhausted brain.

“I'll get our bags,” Cas said, turning for the bedrooms.  He could understand that Dean might be a little embarrassed about that morning, but he had to know Cas didn’t really care, right?  Dean couldn’t control what his body did while sleeping, and he didn't hold that against him.  Again Cas was struck by the weird oxymoron of Dean, his need to be perceived as an over confident alpha by everyone else, yet open and vulnerable around Cas.  He grabbed their things, checking the room and the bathroom to ensure everything was packed before heading back downstairs.  Dean had just finished putting his boots on, and Anna was gone, probably waiting outside by the car.

“I think that's everything,” Cas said to Dean, “unless you think you left something?”  Dean shook his head, still not quite looking at Cas.

“No, I made sure I packed everything up before coming out for coffee,” he said.  His voice was casual, but his body language was anything but.  Cas stepped in a bit closer than normal, for fear of being overheard.

“It's okay, you can't control biology, Dean,” Cas murmured casually.  Dean flushed, pulling on his shoes more aggressively and not saying anything.  Cas’ stomach gave a rumble and he decided he was too hungry to deal with Dean’s mistaken embarrassment.  “Alright, I'll be out by the car.”  

He waited by the Impala for what was definitely  _ way _ too long to tie a shoe, and when he looked at Anna waiting by Gabe’s Omni she shrugged, just as confused as him.  Gabe and Dean finally walked out of the house, Dean looking defiant and Gabe looking slightly annoyed.  Cas and Anna exchanged another look before she climbed into the car and Cas turned to drop their bags in the trunk of the Impala once Dean had it open.

“Everything okay?” Cas asked.  Dean nodded.

“Yeah, Cas.”

“You sure?  Gabe didn't look too happy just then.”  Dean glanced over at Cas’ brother’s car as it started.

“Just a petty argument that got out of hand,” Dean said evasively.  He wasn't exactly lying, but he didn't seem to want to tell Cas about it either, and that made Cas just as worried.  He reached out and gently touched the side of Dean’s arm, Dean looking up at him mildly surprised, but his face relaxed into a smile.  “I'm just really hungry, so your brother better have a breakfast as good as he claims.”  He shoots Cas a wink, and some of Cas’ worry lessens.  

The drive to Gabe’s bakery is short, and when they walk in a startled gasp escapes Dean.  Gabe smirks and walks off to get their breakfast set up, leaving Cas and Anna to watch Dean in amusement.  Dean immediately bee lined it for the pie case, completely ignoring the table reserved for them.  Cas was afraid Dean was going to pass out, he was leaning forward, staring open mouthed at the selection of pies, and Cas wasn't sure if he was breathing.

“You alright, Dean?” Anna called, giggling slightly.  “I guess he really loves pie,” she said to Cas.  A small laugh escaped him.

“Apparently.”  Dean pulled himself away from the case, walking back to their table and talking hurriedly.

“There's at least five flavors in there I haven't tried.  Cas, we've got to come see your brother more often, this place is amazing!” 

“You haven't even tried anything yet,” Cas pointed out.  

“Well, it's my stuff so you know it's going to be good,” Gabe said smugly as he walked back out to the table, bearing a tray loaded down with about eight different kinds of sweet and savory pastries.  Cas picked at a bit of his favorites, as did Anna, leaving most of the tray for Dean and Gabe to demolish.  

“I don't see why not,” Cas said as the last of the tray was cleared off, making everyone look at him slightly confused.

“Why not what?” Anna asked.

“Why we couldn't visit more often,” Cas looks over at Dean, “if you really want to, Dean.”  Dean made a show of wistfully looking over at the case of pies, hiding his smile from everyone but Cas.

“I mean, I guess I could suffer through your brother's company for some of  _ that _ .”  

“What is that supposed to mean?” Gabe snapped indignantly, earning a laugh from everyone.

An hour later, Cas is standing with his siblings at Gabe’s Omni, Dean waiting in the Impala with two of Gabe’s pies to go.

“Call me when you get home,” Cas said to Anna, hugging her tightly.  She was going to stay with Gabe for a few more days to make sure their mom was okay before flying back to North Carolina.

“I will.  Text when you're back in Orlando, hopefully Dean won't be too distracted by pie to drive safely,” she giggled.  Cas smiled at her.

“He's grown on you,” he pointed out.  She nodded.

“He ended up being… different from what I expected,” she said.  “I think he's had a good influence on you.”  Cas blushed.

“Please,” Gabe said, rolling his eyes at their sentimental moment.  “If anyone's been a good influence on our little bro, it's me, okay?”  Cas laughed.

“The day you exert any influence on my behavior will be a sad day indeed,” Cas said deadpan.  Gabe raised an eyebrow at him but hugged him anyway.

“You just take care of yourself, okay?  We’ll chat before your big trip.”  Cas nodded turning from his siblings and walking to the Impala.

“Ready?” Dean asked.  Cas slid his sunglasses on, smiling at Dean.

“Yeah, let's go home.”  Dean smirked, cranking the radio and nearly pealing out of the parking lot.  It was strange how Cas felt better after this trip without even realizing something had been wrong.  As he and Dean sang along with the radio, the rumble of the Impala’s engine under his feet, a breeze in his hair, he finally felt  _ free _ .  Free from the burden of his mother, free from worry about school, and just free to be happy.  

And it was all thanks to Dean, because Dean chose to take the time to get to know Cas and befriend him.  When they pulled into their apartment complex, Cas placed his hand on Dean’s arm to keep him from getting out of the car.

“Thank you,” he said, trying to put so much more into those two words than he could say otherwise.  Dean looked at him carefully, understanding in his smile.

“Anytime, Cas.”

 

Cas’ first summer class wasn't set to start until two weeks after they returned from Miami.  To supplement his spending abilities while out of the country, Cas took a job at one of the tourist trap outlets near the theme parks at Polo Ralph Lauren.  He liked their clothes, anyway, and with his discount he was able to go through his closet and replace a lot of his older outfits.  He worked as much as they would schedule him, open or close, and as a result he didn't see too much of his roommates except on his days off, Tuesday and Thursday.  Every Thursday Cas, Sam, and Jess would go to Lafitte’s to watch Dean sing and to attempt to distract Charlie from her bar tending duties.  

Dean was doing more than just the one warm up song, Cas found out, going up on stage multiple times a night to do covers of different classic rock songs.  People in the club seemed to get more excited than usual when he’d go up on stage, and no matter how much he groused at Sam’s teasing, Cas could see the pride and happiness in Dean’s face when he’d come to the bar to join them.  He’d catch Dean’s eyes while the others were talking, and in those brief moments of contact, Cas could catch a glimpse of the Dean he’d sang along with in the Impala, the Dean who, entirely on accident, had become the closest friend Cas ever had.

Once Cas’ class started, he would go to class in the morning and go work a closing shift almost every single night, sleepily passing the few hours between class and work attempting to study and get homework done.  The month of June passed in a hazy blur of Managerial Finance and folding clothes till his arms felt like they would fall off.  His final for his class fell on July 1st, and after he had nearly collapsed at work the day before, his boss at the outlet agreed to give him the busy weekend off to recuperate. 

Which apparently to Charlie meant Cas was going to the party at Lafitte's on the 2nd.  She had begged and pleaded with him nearly the entirety of the week before, knocking down every excuse he came up with until finally after his final he texted her and gave in just to get some sleep later that night.

He slept as late as he could the day of the party, an impressive 9:30 in the morning.  He sat up in bed, slowly letting his brain wake up and in no hurry to do much of anything.  He heard Sam and Dean talking in hallway, smiling at the sound of Dean’s embarrassed laugh.

“Seriously?  Six weeks, huh?” Sam half chuckled.

“Shut up, Sammy.  I'm trying to be a better person, you should be proud.”

“Don't bullshit me, Dean.  If you've gone that long without a date, and I use the term loosely, there's a reason.  Who is it?”

“Screw you, Sam,” Dean muttered, and Sam laughed as their respective bedroom doors opened and closed.  Cas made his way to his bathroom, getting ready for the day and dressing in his navy jeans with a red and white button up, an outfit Charlie had picked out for him a few days ago.  He walked into the kitchen to make breakfast, just making himself some coffee and pouring a bowl of cereal, too exhausted to do much else.  He was leaning on the counter, halfway through his bowl when Dean came out of the hallway, wearing his black work jeans and black tee shirt, a garish red, white, and blue vest draped over his arm.  Cas smirked, raising an eyebrow.

“Benny delights in embarrassing you,” he pointed out.  Dean shrugged, a small embarrassed smile on his face.

“He’s jealous of my good looks, gotta make me look dumb somehow.”  He shot Cas a wink and Cas just shook his head.  Dean walked over by the door, continue to talk as he got ready.  “I'm heading over early to help set up, as a toss up I'll be getting off earlier to hang with you and the gang.”  Dean pulled on his boots, walking out into the kitchen for a banana, leaning past Castiel to grab it off the counter.

“That's good,” Cas said, feeling a bit better about going to the party.  Charlie was wonderful, and he enjoyed Sam and Jess’ company, but if he was really honest with himself, Dean was the only one he truly felt comfortable around.  Dean nudged him with his elbow, catching his eyes with a soft smile.

“Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging,” he said quietly.  Cas’ smile grew, oddly pleased with Dean being able to read his emotions.  More and more often he was able to tell what Cas was thinking and feeling, and while it was weird having the tables turned, because it was Dean Cas didn't mind.  Something has shifted between them after their trip to Miami, Cas grew more comfortable with Dean’s small invasions of his space, light touches to his back or arms, things that would normally make him move away now normal between them.  Dean seemed to sense Cas’ mood better now, knowing when to push Cas’ buttons and when to pull back and give him space.  It was an immense relief, having another person around who understood him, a support he hadn't realized he would come to depend on so much.

“I'll see you tonight,” Cas said, nudging Dean with his shoulder, pushing him towards the door.  

“Easy on the shots, though,” Dean pointed at him with the banana, a mock serious look on his face.  

“Yessir.”  Cas fixed his own face in a serious nod, and Dean’s smile broke huge across his face as he turned and left the apartment.  Cas had about fifteen minutes to himself, sipping slowly at his coffee while he ate his cereal, not thinking about much of anything, before Sam came out into the kitchen.

“You’ve actually decided to come to the party tonight,” Sam said, gesturing at Cas’ outfit.  Sam was in navy jeans and a red polo shirt, hair slightly damp from his shower after his run.  Cas shrugged.

“Charlie wouldn't leave me alone, I agreed simply for sanity’s sake.”  He hadn't really meant for it to come out as a joke, he was half serious about the sanity bit, but Sam laughed and Cas smiled to himself too.

“Alright, then.  I'm going to head to the bank and to the leasing office today, get my half of everything sorted for while you're gone.”  Sam waved a small stack of papers he’d grabbed from the counter and Cas nodded.

“If they need anything else, let me know.  You sure you don't want more money?”  

“No, Cas, thanks, but we’ll manage.  Dean’s contribution is enough, and you shouldn't have to pay your full portion of the rent when you're not even here.”

“Alright, Sam, if you're sure.”  Castiel insisted.  Sam nodded as he slipped on his shoes.

“I'm sure, Cas.  I'll swing by later to pick you up?”  Cas nodded, giving Sam a small smile.

“See you later, Sam.”

 

So it was that Cas found himself in the backseat of Sam’s Dodge Charger, pulling up to Lafitte's later that evening.  There were some tables set up outside, a barbecue going and some people doing sparklers.  He could hear the dull thud of music from inside the club, one half of the party inside at the bar, while the food was set up outside around the makeshift barbecue pit.  Cas had rolled up his sleeves in the car, the summer heat in Florida lingering even though the sun had started to set.  Even with the air on in the car Cas could feel the sticky heat, his undershirt clinging to his back.  Sam started laughing as he pulled up to a parking spot.

“What’s so funny?” Jess asked, echoing Cas’ own puzzlement.

“Look over by the doorway,” Sam pointed, putting the car in park.  Cas and Jess leaned forward to look, and saw Dean, in his horrible vest, an Uncle Sam top hat on and a line of people taking pictures with him.  Jess burst out laughing and Cas even let a small chuckle out.  

“He’s going to be so pissed,” Jess sighed.

“Because of what?” Cas asked curiously.  She smirked and waved her phone at Cas over the seat of the car, a picture of Dean on her screen.  Cas laughed and climbed out of the car, Sam and Jess following suit and walking over to hover by Dean.  He caught a glimpse of them and stared daggers at his brother who was barely suppressing his mirth at Dean’s predicament.  When the line of people had finally gone, Dean walked over and shoved the hat on Sam’s head, pulling the vest off and tossing it over a nearby chair.

“Yeah, get your laughs in, buddy,” Dean muttered.  

“It's good to see you doing something nice for your adoring fans,” Sam said, his voice breaking with his effort to not laugh.  Dean’s furious blush wasn't helping him much, his anger losing some of its force.

“I'm getting paid, shut up,” Dean snapped.  He crossed his arms over his chest, puffing up indignantly, and Sam lost his control, turning and walking towards the food as he belly laughed hard and loud.  Jess gave Dean a quick hug.

“Sorry, Dean, you just looked so adorable-”

“Not another word.”  He cut her off with a warning point, and she winked at Cas, following after Sam.  Dean looked over at Cas, his eyes challenging, seeing if Cas was going to say anything about the outfit or the pictures.  Cas smiled, but chose to take Dean’s side and let it go.

“This is a really nice set up,” he said instead, gesturing at the tables and the food.  Strings of lights had been hung across makeshift awnings, some torches set up in stands along the section of the parking lot by the door, tables and chairs occupied by people eating and playing with small firecrackers and sparklers.  Dean nodded, his anger fading and a little bit of pride showing through instead.

“Was a son of a bitch to put together, but it turned out alright.”  Cas looked around the crowd outside, but didn’t see the familiar red hair he was looking for.

“Where’s Charlie?” he asked.  Dean pointed towards the door to the bar itself, where people were flowing in and out with drinks in hand.

“She’s stuck on the bar for another couple hours, drew the short straw when we had someone call sick.”  Dean waved down a waitress who was handing out sparklers, grabbing a couple and handing them to Cas.  Cas immediately brightened up, he could feel the smile spread across his face.

“I haven’t played with sparklers in forever,” he gasped, thinking back to a summer ages ago, memories of Gabe trying to set Anna’s hair on fire strangely heartwarming.  Gabe’s foster family had brought him to visit his siblings last minute, and they had gone through about four boxes of sparklers before the night was over.  They were all still so young, and all Cas could really remember was just being so happy to see Gabe, for the three of them to be together again.

“Well, here’s your next chance,” Dean said gently, breaking Cas out of his thoughts.  When he looked over at Dean, Cas realized his guard had come down at the memory, and he felt a strange warmth at the look on Dean’s face.  Dean was watching Cas closely, an almost childish anticipation on his face as he held his lighter in his hand.  “You alright?” Dean asked quietly.  Cas nodded and moved forward a step, breaking his stare away from Dean’s face to reach out and take the lighter from Dean’s hand, his fingers wrapping around Dean’s briefly as he did so.

“Just thinking,” Cas said simply.  Dean shuffled a bit awkwardly, watching Cas carefully light their sparklers, jumping back slightly to avoid sparks falling from Cas’ sparkler onto his skin.  Cas laughed, tracing patterns in the air like he had as a kid, the shining sparks catching in Dean’s eyes when he looked up at him, making the gold flecks in his green flash brightly.  He realized he had never seen such bright green eyes on anyone before, and just how easy it would be to get lost in them.

“No fair!  Already started without us!  Jess said indignantly, walking back up with Sam and a plate of food each, Sam’s piled a bit higher than hers.  It startled Cas a bit, breaking the strange vulnerable moment he’d had, and he shifted his focus from Dean to the two of them.  Cas’ sparkler went out, and he pointed the blackened stick at Dean.

“He’s the one that got it for me.”

“Thanks for calling me out,” Dean mumbled, eyeballing the plate of food his brother was carrying.

“Such a corrupting force,” Sam said to Dean, a mock frown on his face.  Dean grabbed Cas’ elbow, tugging him away from Sam and Jess.

“C’mon, let’s get food.  I don’t need judgement from the likes of him,” Dean muttered.  Cas shrugged at Sam and Jess and followed along with Dean’s pull.

“We’ll find a table!” Jess called after them.  Cas waved so she'd know he heard her before turning to Dean.

“You’re just hungry, this has nothing to do with what Sam said,” Cas pointed out.  Dean smiled, releasing his elbow and letting Cas walk on his own.

“Your point?” he asked with a wink.  Cas just shook his head, getting in the line for food next to Dean.  Cas had to admit it smelled delicious, and he found himself getting hungry even though he’d eaten relatively close to when they'd left for the party.

“Thanks for coming tonight, I know you're tired,” Dean said suddenly.  Cas turned his head to glance at his profile, Dean’s eyes focused on the food but his thoughts somewhere else.

“This was important to you,” Cas said matter of factly.  “Even without Charlie’s incessant pleas, I was probably going to come.”  Dean had opened his mouth to speak when someone pushed past them, knocking Dean into Cas, and nearly making Cas tumble over backwards.  Dean’s arms immediately grabbed him, slipping around him faster than Cas thought possible.  Dean pulled gently, his hand resting on Cas’ lower back, practically hugging him as he helped him stand upright again.  “Thanks,” Cas gasped, reeling a bit from the speed of the whole event.  Dean’s smile faded, and he pulled away like he’d been shocked, a flush climbing up his neck.

“Yeah, I-”  Dean was interrupted by Sam walking up, sliding his phone in his pocket with a huge smile on his face.

“Just got a call from the leasing manager,” he said, oblivious to Dean’s sudden movement, and Cas’ confused expression.  Dean frowned at his brother.

“At eight o'clock at night?” Dean asked, surprised.  Sam ignored him, his focus on Cas.

“He’s worked out the paperwork, Cas.  All you have to do is stop by the office and sign the next chance you get, so you can stay on the lease.”

“Thanks, Sam,” Cas said, another thing checked off his to do list before he leaves.  Sam smiled and walked back to the table he and Jess had found to eat at.  Cas turned back to Dean, and the absolutely baffled look on his face gave Cas pause.  “What is it?” he asked.

“Were you planning on moving out?” Dean asked.  Cas felt his brow furrow, confused.

“No, for when I leave for England.”  

There was a strange moment where Dean’s face went void of all emotion, then in quick succession it went from confused to complete and utter shock, almost going pale.

“What?!  When are you going to England?!” he asked, his voice raising in volume slightly, an edge of anger in it.  Cas just blinked at him, totally confused as to why Dean was reacting this way.

“Next month?  My study abroad?”  He watched Dean’s face go from its current shock, back to confusion, back to shock, then… 

The only word Cas could use to describe the look in Dean’s eyes at that moment was heartbreak.  But that didn’t make sense…

“How long will you be gone?” Dean asked, his voice almost too quiet in comparison to how loud it had just been moments ago.  Cas finally put two and two together.

“Wait, Dean you didn’t know?” he asked, pulling Dean out of line, since they were too distracted to keep up.  Dean pulled his arm out of Cas’ hand, quickly, stepping back.

“No, I didn’t know!  Were you planning on telling me?” he snapped.  Cas opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to figure out how Dean had  _ never _ been told about his trip.

“It’s just to finish school, I've been planning this for years-”

“So I guess I was supposed to find out when you left for the airport?!”

“I wasn’t trying to hide it from you!” Cas snapped, raising his voice to get through to Dean.  “It never occurred to me that you hadn’t found out…”

“Well, yeah, most people when they go on trips talk about them!  How come I haven’t heard a damn thing?”  Dean was hurt, and Castiel was beyond confused as to why he was having such a harsh gut reaction.  He reached out to rest his hand on his shoulder, to try and calm him down, but when Dean flinched away, the final puzzle piece fell into place.  

Dean hadn’t seen anyone ‘intimately’ since he'd made up with Sam, according to what he'd heard that morning.

Dean’s small touches over the past couple weeks since Miami.  

How he always seemed to be looking at Cas before Cas looked at him.

He locked eyes with Dean and could see it in the pain he was trying so hard to hide behind anger.

_ No. _

_ Oh, no, please no. _

“Dean-” Cas began, his voice soft.  Dean flushed a bright red, realizing by the look in Cas’ eyes what Cas had just deduced.

“I just- Cas, I…”  He snapped his mouth shut and turned for the bar in a hurry, leaving a completely dumbfounded Cas behind him.  So dumbfounded he didn't even think to go after him.  

His friend, his one  _ true _ friend, the person he’d come to trust as much as his siblings.

_ Dean has feelings for me. _

 

Charlie eventually came and joined them, and Cas put on his old face, his old mask he used to wear for everyone’s benefit but his own.  Sam had asked where Dean went, and Castiel honestly said he didn’t know.  Charlie mentioned something about him going into the back room, but she hadn’t seen him since.  Sam made a few halfhearted attempts to get a hold of him, but the two girls and Sam seemed to be content with thinking Dean had run off with a new one night stand.  Sam even pointed out how much of a ‘dry spell’ Dean was having, and Cas choked on the water he was drinking.  

He was feeling sick to his stomach by the time Sam and Jess were ready to take him home, Sam leaving for Jess’ as soon as Cas was out of the car.  Cas scanned the parking lot, not seeing the Impala, but that didn't always mean anything.  He walked around the back of the building, to the overflow parking lot, and just barely saw the corner of the Impala sticking out from behind a tree.  So Dean was home, and pretending not to be.  He took a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever mood he might find Dean in and walked into the apartment.  

There were no lights or music on, Dean attempting to keep up the facade of being out.  Cas walked down the hallway by the light of his phone, stepping into his room and closing the door before turning on his bedside lamp.  He changed out of his sweaty clothes into cotton shorts and a tank, and nearly jumped out of his skin when there was a knock on his door.  He opened it slightly to see Dean standing there, his eyes downcast.  For the first time since the day they'd met by the library, Cas felt nervous around Dean.

“I just wanted to apologize for, for invading your space earlier.  And for, uh, shouting at you,” he said quietly, stumbling over his own words, very unlike him.

“It’s alright,” Cas said, just as quiet.  “I apologize for assuming you were aware of my impending trip, I should have been more forthright.”  There was a brief awkward silence between them, something that definitely hadn't happened before.

“It’s okay, I mean, until recently we weren’t really friends, I was just a roommate.  It's not like you were obligated to tell me...”  Dean’s voice was hollow, and Cas could tell he was trying hard to convince himself of those words.  Cas felt a strange pain in his chest, unsure where it was coming from but hating how it felt.  He felt a need to make sure Dean knew he was so much  _ more _ than that.

“You’re the only true friend I’ve ever had.”  His voice was so soft, he wasn’t even sure the words came out until Dean looked up at him, his eyes still tinged with a sadness Cas was not used to seeing on him.  “I would never withhold anything from you intentionally, Dean.  It must have never come up in our conversation, that is the only reason for my omission.”  Dean nodded at him.

“I believe you, Cas,” he sighed.  It was hanging between them now, unspoken, the epiphany Cas had at the party.  Cas considered asking Dean about it, about the feelings Cas saw in his eyes.  It felt like too much, and the words caught in his throat whenever he tried to ask them.  Instead, he offered the best smile he could muster, speaking the little truth he could.

“I trust you, Dean.  Completely.  Outside of Anna and Gabe, that has never happened to me before.  I want you to know that.”  Dean looked up at him, some of the pain gone, but a tiny bit it still clung to his shoulders and his smile.

“That means a lot, Cas.  Thank you,” he said quietly, turning and walking away.

Never mind that they hadn't addressed the real problem.  Or that in just over a month, Cas was going to leave, and they might not have the chance to talk about this.  Never mind that Cas  _ himself  _ had no idea what to do with this revelation.

He let Dean walk out of his room, because he was terrified of those feelings, and what they might mean.

He hardly slept that night, tossing and turning in spite of how exhausted he was.  He thought he knew Dean well enough to see something like this, to see in his eyes when he was looking at Cas that it was  _ more  _ than just a friendly smile.  It had blindsided him, totally and completely.

Why?  Why hadn’t he seen Dean’s feelings change?  

An answer crept into his head that made him tremble, shaking with the implications of that answer, not wanting to believe it but unable to come up with anything else.  He finally drifted off for a couple hours, the words bouncing around in his skull.

_ Because maybe the same thing is happening to you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sooooo much for reading guys!! Leave me some comments?!? XD


	8. Chapter Eight- Clouds in My Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter!! Super soon!!!! XD
> 
> This just FLOWED once I started writing it, straight into Ch 9. Since I had finished editing this, I figured I would go ahead and post it while I'm working on the next two chapters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this opening scene in my head FOREVER and the end of the chapter is what inspired the ENTIRE fic, which is probably why this came to me so fast. REMEMBER TO COMMENT I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

 

_ Cas was laying in his bed, not his current bed, the one in the last house he'd shared with Gabriel before moving to campus.  He was laying on his side, facing the wall, naked under the comforter.  He felt movement in the bed behind him, a warm body shifting closer, a hand running up into his hair while another slid around his stomach to pull him close.  An overwhelming wave of happiness washed through him at the touch, and he felt the smile on his face.  The body was a man’s, he could tell that much, and when he leaned in to press soft kisses against the back of Cas’ neck, Cas tilted his head back into the touch, finally seeing their face. _

_ It was Dean. _

_ Cas felt his smile grow wider, and he shifted his body closer to Dean’s, feeling the press of Dean’s arousal against his bare skin.  Their mouths met, and a beautiful warm buzzing sensation spread throughout Cas’ body.  His hand slid back into Dean’s hair as Dean’s hand slid down his stomach, tracing smooth circles as he went.  His fingers gently closed around Cas’ erection and gave a few slow pulls.  Cas was breathless with want, panting into Dean’s mouth when he would let his lips break from Cas’.  He felt drunk on Dean, like the feel and taste of him was slowly drowning him, and he wanted to just sink into it and never leave.  His back arched, and Dean’s arousal pressed against him, Cas’ name falling from his lips like a prayer.  The pressure was building under Cas’ skin, and as Dean slid his lips down Cas’ neck… _

 

Cas woke up suddenly, his blanket tossed off and his body covered in sweat.  He could feel the dampness in his sweatpants, and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes.

Another wet dream.  

Considering he’d never had one until two weeks ago, almost exactly two weeks from the party, he'd definitely say he had a problem.  A green eyed problem living across the hall from him.  Just like it had with April, Cas’ perception of Dean had shifted from friend to  _ more _ , and that first wet dream was his wake up call.  It had been similar to this one, only he'd come much faster, whatever that meant for Cas’ subconscious.

Since the party, his brain had continued to push and pester him about his own feelings towards Dean, until it was all he could think about.  The first wet dream had caught him off guard, plunging him headfirst into a whirlwind of anxiety he couldn't have prepared himself for.  April’s betrayal had cut deeper than he realized, and instead of basking in the idea that he might want Dean as more than a friend, he shied away from it.  He couldn't have that with Dean, because he couldn't risk losing him.  He was too important to Castiel.

Cas had spent all his free time the last month before his trip, what little he had, attempting to corner Dean alone, hoping that if they just talked this through it would help, but Sam’s presence, Charlie visiting, or work simply kept getting in the way.  Though if Cas was honest with himself, he hadn't been trying  _ all  _ that hard.

Once the Fourth had passed, Cas was back to work, and a week after that classes had started again, and he hardly had time to do his work for class and sleep, let alone try to have a serious conversation with Dean.  He even had to stop going to Karaoke on Thursdays to see Dean sing, spending his two days off from work catching up on homework.  Charlie voiced concern that he was overworking himself in the brief visits she managed to squeeze in, but Cas didn't give it much thought.  He was paying up front for his portion of the four months rent he'd miss while he was gone, and he was feeling the dent that was going to make in his bank account, so quitting his job was out of the question.  He attempted to stay up at night to wait for Dean to come home from work, but he'd drift off on the couch, waking with a blanket covering him but Dean firmly locked in his room.  

The worst part for Cas was when he was alone.  He could put on his mask and pretend everything was okay when he was in front of Sam, he could smile and do his job at work, just like he always had.  It was when he was left to his own thoughts, sitting in his room trying to concentrate on school work, or laying in bed staring at his ceiling attempting to sleep, that he acutely felt the empty gap in his chest.  The slot where Dean’s smiles and conversations used to be, where for the past month there had been nothing.  As far as he could tell, Sam didn't notice anything different, either with Cas or his brother, in fact all he seemed able to talk about was Jess.  Cas was happy for Sam, he didn't begrudge him his happy conversations.  He just wished Dean was there, to hear his voice teasing Sam about his sappy puppy love, his grumpy frown when Sam would come back with a retort, his eyes looking to Cas to take his side.  Cas was halfway sure Dean was avoiding him when circumstances didn't do it for him, but he came home every night, and Cas didn't miss the importance of that.

Cas climbed out of bed, stripping out of his pants and tossing them in his hamper with a shudder.  It was just after 1am, he'd only just fallen asleep after finishing his final essay for his last class, English Literature of all things.  He padded into his bathroom, turning on the shower and climbing in, washing away the sweaty mess on his skin.  He just stood under the shower spray, leaning his head against the wall, trying to clear his mind and pull himself together.

His eyes slid closed, and even though he wasn't trying to, his thoughts floated to Dean again.  God help him, he  _ missed _ him.  Missed his smile, his laugh, catching his eyes over Sam’s shoulder and sharing a private joke.  He missed that feeling of comfort that came over him just from being in Dean’s presence.  The worst part was, Dean was just across the hall.  Two doors were all that separated them.  Two doors and a load of emotional baggage they'd both carried around their entire lives.

He turned around, resting his shoulders against the cold shower tiles, his uncooperative brain conjuring up the dream memory of Dean’s warm chest pressed there instead.  Without permission his mind began to wonder if that's what Dean would really feel like.  If he would feel safe like he had in the dream, his arms holding onto Cas in a way that said he was never going to let go.  The imagined brush of lips against his shoulder sent a shudder through him, his body betraying him further as he started to harden, his skin feeling too warm, his chest rising and falling rapidly under the spray of the water.  He squeezed his eyes shut, his hand running down to take hold of his erection to give himself some relief.  His whole life he'd never known what it was to desire someone, and now, as his palm slid wetly over himself, it consumed him.  He focused on the dream, picturing Dean pressed against him from behind, lips tracing along his skin, his mind progressing further than the dream as the pressure built.  He was imagining the feel of Dean’s own arousal sliding between his legs, and Dean’s name fell from his lips in a hushed moan.

He spent his second release over his fist, thoughts of Dean’s lips pressed all over his skin still fresh in his mind as he came down.  Once he was clean again, he shut off the shower, half heartedly drying off and climbing back in bed, only bothering to pull on a pair of boxers before he slid into unconsciousness again.

_ Five more days... _

 

 

The sun had found the gap in his blinds, and it pierced through his eyelid to wake him up at his normal early morning hour, way earlier than he wanted to wake up.  Just two days left now.  Cas had finished almost all of his packing, his suitcases sitting at the foot of his bed, almost mocking him.  He had been so excited for this trip, but then Dean had to move in and ruin everything.

_ No… _

Even in jest, in his own head, he couldn't say that.  Not about Dean.  Dean had  _ changed  _ him, in ways Cas didn't realize he needed to change, and in turn Dean had changed as well.  Watching Dean go from the scarred, mistrusting person he was when they met to the confident, compassionate man he was now…  _ So beautiful,  _ Cas couldn't stop himself from thinking.

Two days left, and Cas still hadn't talked to him, hadn't had the chance, or the strength, to try and figure out what was happening to them.  Guilt and fear twisted for dominance in his stomach.  The guilt would hit him sometimes like a sucker punch, knowing that he felt something for Dean, and that if he  _ really  _ wanted, he could march across the hall and just tell him, admit to him he felt the same and alleviate Dean’s suffering.  Every time he got close to actually following through with it, fear would worm into his heart, stopping him in his tracks.  It was like he was standing at the edge of a precipice, Dean standing at the bottom assuring Cas he would catch him, but Cas can’t stop staring at the jagged rocks to either side of his outstretched arms.  

He pulled his blanket tighter around him in spite of the August heat, trying to shut out the world.  What if he gave in, let himself fall for Dean as he had fallen before, what would happen if he fell  _ out _ of love again?  What if this time it was  _ Dean _ who fell out of love with him?  What would that do to him if he were to lose Dean altogether?  A wave of pain washed through him, steeling his reserve.  No, it was better this way, better that Dean didn’t know.  There was a soft knock on his door.

“Come in,” he said, still lost in his thoughts.  Probably Sam before he headed out for his run.

“Cas?”   _ No, that was Dean’s voice _ .  He was never up that early.  A clammy sweat broke out across his body as he lifted his head to peer at the door.

“Unless you have a very good reason I am not leaving my bed,” Cas mumbled.  He felt a wave of anger at himself, for being able to just shut himself down when all he really wanted to do was pull Dean into that same bed.  This was the first time he'd seen Dean in a month, and his brain’s first reaction was to turn off everything he was feeling.  Fucking fantastic.  Dean poked his head in the door cautiously, wearing his robe, his hair sticking up from sleep.  Their month apart and the soap opera that had become their life made him hesitant, instead of just walking in like he used to.  Cas felt beyond awful.

“I was thinking maybe we could do something, you know, one last hoorah before you head off to jolly England.”  Dean’s voice was casual under his fake British accent, but Cas could hear the strain to keep it that way.  

Cas tried not to think of the finality of ‘last hoorah’.

“Mmph, I suppose.  Let me make myself human,” Cas grunted.  Dean nodded, a ghost of a smile on his face as he shut Cas’ door.  Cas sat up slowly, trying to pretend he wasn't nervous.  One month apart and now Dean wanted an entire day with him, alone.  Cas was too scared to get excited.  He showered and dressed, walking out to the kitchen to find Dean had made breakfast, eggs and bacon with biscuits.  Cas sat at the table as Dean brought out the plates, avoiding Cas’ eyes as he set the food down.

“Talked to my Dad yesterday,” he said softly, dropping into the chair across from him.  The mood shifted immediately as Cas looked up, noticing the furrow of Dean’s brow, and he knew whatever was between them was going to wait.  This was more important.

“How is he?” Cas asked, taking a bite of his eggs.  Dean shrugged, tucking into his own breakfast.  This was probably what broke Dean, what made him finally seek Cas out, he needed to talk about his father.  Cas was okay with that, he wanted to be there for Dean regardless of the awkwardness between them, and his fear abated a little knowing Dean still wanted to confide in him.

“He said he's doing okay, considering.  He’s seeing a doctor in Kansas, a couple hours from where Mom’s living.”  He poked at his bacon with his fork, looking at it like it had offended him.  “They got divorced, you know, officially, but…”  He fell silent, and Cas nudged his shin with his toe.  He convinced himself the contact didn't send little tingles up his nerves.

“What is it, Dean?”  Dean finally looked up at him, a strange mix of emotion in his eyes that Cas gave up on trying to identify.  He couldn’t hardly sort himself out, sorting out Dean was way too much for him that morning.

“How can you love someone, and still treat them like that?  To this day he still swears he loves Mom, but the way he would shout and…”  Dean tucked his chin to his chest, a shaky breath forced from his lungs.  “Mom always says it, too, that she still loves him.  I always thought I would understand when I got older, but I don't, Cas.”  Dean’s voice was thick with emotion, raising in volume slightly as he talked.  “I don't get how if they still love each other how the hell all this happened, that Dad is dying alone in some apartment somewhere and-” his voice cracked and he stopped talking abruptly.  Cas moved to the seat next to Dean, his personal feelings pushed aside at Dean’s obvious distress.

“Have you talked to Sam about this?” Cas asked gently.  Dean took a deep breath before answering.

“Kind of?  I mean, we talked about Dad’s condition, but Sam has spent so much of his life  _ hating _ him, it's still hard to get him to open up about Dad.  He's gotten better about it over the past few months, but I can't-”  Dean’s eyes move up to his.  “I can't talk to Sammy about this.  Not the way I can talk to you.”  Just like that, Cas is smacked in the face with his own guilt.  They sit there quietly for a few minutes, each of them picking at their food, lost in their own thoughts.

Two days left, was this how they were going to spend them?

“We don't have to talk about us,” Dean finally said.  “It may be the wrong thing to do.  Hell, maybe it's the  _ worst _ thing to do.”  Cas watched Dean’s hand tense around his fork, the only outward sign of Dean’s own fear.

“That's very true, about it being a bad idea,” Cas sighed in agreement.  Dean lifted his eyes to Cas’, determination shining in the sea of green.

“You said you trust me, right?” he asked.  Cas nodded, his heart pounding in his chest.  “Whatever we choose, to talk this out or to just let it go, I won't let it take our friendship away.  I promise you that.  The last thing I want to do is to lose your trust.”  Cas’ eyes were the ones that sought the table this time as Dean finished talking.  A war was raging in Castiel, and while he knew they should talk about this, with Cas leaving, wouldn't it be easier to just let it be?

“I think,” Cas said slowly, forcing the words out over the beating of his heart, “that if you're really okay with it, maybe we should just… just let it go.”  He looked back up at Dean, his eyes full of the same conflict Cas was feeling.

“Okay.”  Dean said, the finality in his voice squeezing Cas’ chest tight.  

“Okay.”  Cas agreed, pushing down his discomfort and setting his shoulders.  He wasn't going to leave Dean filled with regret, he was going to have a good day, one last fun day with his best friend.  He would be coming back, maybe after four months things would be different, and if they weren't different then they would figure it out when Cas returned, they had the time.  

He made himself believe that as he finished breakfast.

Once they finished cleaning up, Cas put on his shoes and hovered in the living room awkwardly as Dean disappeared down the hallway to get dressed.  He came back out in a tight green tee shirt, a short sleeve button up over top and a pair of boot cut, dark wash jeans.  Cas almost swallowed his tongue at the sight, hoping his blush wouldn't show.  He couldn't believe he'd never noticed how sexy Dean was, even when he wasn't trying.  Months old memories of flirtatious winks and smirks had suddenly become much more potent over the past weeks.  Dean slipped his boots on, standing up and smiling at Cas.  It was small, but it was genuine, and it set most of Cas’ nerves at ease.  Most of them.

“Alright, let's go for a drive,” Dean said, rubbing his hands together.

“A drive where?” Cas asked.  Dean opened the door and shrugged.

“I don't know.  That's the point, Cas, we just drive, and we end up where we end up.”  

Nothing had ever sounded so perfect.

“Okay,” Cas agreed, a smile creeping up on his face.  Maybe not talking about it  _ was _ the best option for them.

They climbed in the Impala, Dean cranked the radio, and they drove.  Down the highway, windows rolled down, singing along to the radio, and the longer they drove, the more at ease Cas felt, until he finally felt like the last month hadn't happened.  Dean, in the way only he could, had done exactly what Cas needed him to do so he could relax.  He wasn't sure if Dean was aware of how Cas felt, how being in the car with him on the way to Miami had been the first time in his life he'd felt truly free.  He'd never told Dean in so many words what that trip had done for him, and he was starting to realize maybe he was underestimating how well Dean had come to know him.  As he watched Dean belt out a Bon Jovi song at the top of his lungs, he was finally able to pinpoint the moment in time he fell in love with Dean Winchester.

They were in the car, like now, on their way to Miami.  Cas had just told him about April and what she had done, and Dean looked over at him and said  _ don't ever change. _  He wanted Cas just as he was, all his flaws and imperfections.  He wasn't sure anyone had ever said that to him before, and his heart filled with emotion so strong he had to look out the window to hide his eyes.

After a short while, Dean seemed to decide he'd driven far enough and took an exit off the interstate.  In spite of his ‘no destination’ speech, he seemed to have a good idea of where they were going, making purposeful turns without hesitation.

When Dean finally pulled them into a parking lot, it took all of Cas’ reserve to not roll his eyes at him.

“Seriously, this is where we’re going?” Cas asked, hoping Dean was just kidding and would turn the car around.  Instead he killed the engine and gave Cas one of his biggest and dopiest grins.

“You sir are a Florida native, and you are going to show this plains state boy what Florida is all about.”  Cas looked out the windshield at the giant gator head, painted an almost mint green, sticking out from the building behind it.  The original building had burnt down years back, so now the head stood out almost awkwardly.

“Dean, I hate to be the one to ruin this for you, but Gatorland is not exactly designed for grown ups.  It’s designed for elementary school field trips and for British people to oogle at alligators…”  He trailed off as Dean honest to God  _ pouted  _ at him.  What the hell, if this was how Dean wanted to spend their last day together for four months, who was Cas to deny him.  “Fine, whatever, but you’re paying for it,” Cas huffed, climbing out of the car.  The day was already unpleasantly hot, and with all the water around he knew it was only going to get worse, but the way Dean excitedly bought their tickets, insisting on buying the train ride as well, distracted Cas a bit from the sweat rolling down his back.

After walking in Dean immediately made his way to the wooden railing, peering down over the edge at the alligators swimming around beneath their feet.  Cas hung back slightly, trying not to laugh at the sight of a full grown man acting like a child.

“They’re so fucking huge!” he gasped, earning them a glare from a woman with her two kids farther down the platform.  Cas suppressed a chuckle.

“Easy on the profanity,” he sighed, giving the woman an apologetic look, and getting a sneer in response as she steered her kids away.  He mentally flicked her off and turned to watch Dean, still leaning over to stare at the gators as they moved below them.  Cas felt himself smile, Dean’s excitement catching on and spreading to him.  “There’s more to look at than this, you know,” Cas pointed out, grabbing the schedule Dean had shoved in his back pocket, managing to touch only the paper.  “The first gator jumping show isn’t for another hour or so, why don’t we go look around?”  

“Jumping?  Like… out of the water?” Dean asked, looking up to eye the wires suspended over the water.  

“Yeah, they string chicken out over the water and the gators jump up and grab it.”  Cas motioned for Dean to follow him.  “Like I said it doesn't start for a while, let's go look around.”  Dean nodded and turned to follow Cas, letting him lead the way.  Cas hadn't been here since he was a child, so he aimlessly wandered down the main walkway, pausing every couple feet while Dean took pictures and stopped to read signs.  They wandered back in time for the show, incredibly cheesy but Dean got a kick out of it, and Cas laughed more at his reaction than at the show.  For lunch they ate at the small barbeque restaurant in the park, Dean buying and eating alligator for the first time, which Cas documented on Dean’s phone to show his brother.  

Seeing so much unashamed childish wonder in a man who was 25 years old made Cas’ heart ache in an oddly good way.  They somehow spent almost the entire day wandering through reptile exhibits, stopping to watch shows and to read just about every sign posted on each habitat.  Cas had more fun than he’d had as a kid, experiencing the park through Dean’s eyes.  They had left the “Swamp Walk” for last, a wooden walkway built in a large circle through an unaltered section of typical Florida swamp, and since it was so close to the park closing, they had the platform to themselves, the two of them alone on the muggy path.

“Thanks for indulging me,” Dean said with a warm smile.  “I’ve tried to convince Sammy to come out here with me, but you know how he gets,” Dean sighed.  

“He is pre-law, Dean.  His course load leaves him little room for large amounts of frivolous activity,” Cas pointed out.  Dean nudged him with his shoulder, a frown on his face.

“He’s not even here and you’re taking his side,” Dean whined.  Cas smiled, nudging Dean back.

“Can you imagine his hair out in this humidity, though?” Cas added.  They were both disgustingly sweaty, Dean’s spare shirt hanging over one shoulder where he’d removed it hours ago, a couple buttons undone on the top and bottom of Cas’ blue short sleeve button up.  Dean laughed.

“Oh, man, now I really want him to come just to get a picture of what a hot mess he’d be.”  Dean continued to chuckle as they walked.  “It’d be half sticking to his forehead, half all sorts of matted.  He’d be so frustrated, it’d be priceless.”  Cas had been scanning the trees as they walked, and he shushed Dean, grabbing him by the arm and pointing up into the trees.  Dean leaned in to follow the line of his arm, a mumbled  _ awesome _ escaping him when he caught sight of the bald eagle Cas had found.  He was a huge bird, standing proud on a branch, seemingly uninterested in the two men below him.

“Today ended up not being all that bad,” Cas said quietly, almost to himself.  Dean turned to face him, still close from where he’d leaned in to see where Cas was pointing.  Cas’ heart gave a hard thump against his rib cage as Dean’s eyes darted quickly to his lips before he stepped back.

“Glad you enjoyed yourself,” Dean said in agreement, a nervous smile on his face.  Luckily Cas was already flushed from the heat so Dean couldn’t see his blush.  They'd slipped back into their old pattern for most of the day, Cas being too preoccupied to feel the anxiety that was now rearing its ugly head.  He was starting to close himself off from Dean again, he could feel it like a door closing between them.

“It’s getting late, and the mosquitoes that haven’t bitten me yet will be out soon, we should probably head back.”  He said it evenly, almost cold.  The reality check hit them both hard, Cas’ gaze dropping to watch the deck below his feet as he walked, Dean following a step behind.

“When you come back, maybe we can bring Sam with us out here, and probably Jess by default… of course then we’d have to invite Charlie…” Dean was rambling, nervously shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I would like that,” Cas said quietly.  It was the first time they’d brought up Cas leaving since the party, and now it was hanging over them as they walked back through the park to Dean’s car.  They didn’t sing along with the radio on the ride home, even though the music was on, neither of them seeming to have much stomach for it.  It wasn’t until they pulled back into the parking lot of their apartment complex that either of them said anything.

“You need a ride to the airport?” Dean asked slowly, like he was keeping careful control of his voice.  Cas looked over at him

“I was going to call a cab,” he said matter of factly.  Dean shook his head, half a smile creeping up on his face.

“Really?  Or you could just say ‘hey, Dean, I need a ride,” Dean huffed.   _ I haven’t spoken to you in a month to ask _ , Cas thought to himself.

“That would be helpful, thank you,” Cas said instead.  They climbed out of the car, making their way up to the apartment in silence.  When Cas opened the door, an excited hello echoed out from the living room, Sam and Charlie waving at them over the couch.

“Star Wars marathon, bros!” Charlie called, waving them over.  Dean smiled excitedly, hiding the gloom that had been hanging over him as he kicked off his boots.  He walked out to the living room, grabbing a slice of pizza out of the box on the coffee table, and dropped to lounge on the floor in front of Charlie’s legs.  

“Come on, Cas, they’re about to start Empire Strikes Back,” Sam called with a smile on his face.  Cas kicked off his own shoes.

“I need a shower, I’m disgusting.  I’ll join you in a bit,” he said, an easy smile on his face.  He met Dean’s eyes as he chewed his pizza.  Dean was smiling, and while Cas couldn’t exactly call it truly happy, he wasn’t hurting for the moment, and that was really all Cas wanted.    
He showered in record time, joining them in the living room just as the battle of Hoth was ending.  It was a pleasant surprise, the impromptu party feel of the company and the relaxed mood. They all laughed, shared pizza, and generally enjoyed each other’s company until Sam and Cas were both nodding off on the couch and recliner, respectively.  He was half aware of the last movie ending and Dean saying goodbye to Charlie as Cas struggled to stay awake in the chair.  Dean nudged Sam off the couch, and he grunted before he stumbled down the hall to his bedroom.  Dean walked over to Cas and shook him gently.

“You should get to bed, Cas,” he said softly, stirring Cas just enough to get him to stand up, but he nearly fell over once he was on his feet, tripping on the corner of the coffee table.  He felt warm arms wrap around him as he fell into Dean’s chest, his nose brushing the skin on his neck.  He lingered there for a brief moment before the small surge of adrenaline and nerves woke him enough to help him pull away.  

_ Fuck. _

He didn't let it affect him outwardly, but it had still happened.  For half a second, Dean had been holding him, and it had felt so  _ good. _

“Goodnight, Dean,” he murmured as he walked to his room, shutting the door behind him and running his hands through his hair.  He flopped into bed, wide awake now, because for the briefest of moments, Dean had held him in his arms, and all had felt right with the world.

 

 

His alarm went off at 6:30am the day he had to leave, but he had been up for hours before that.  His last day in Orlando had been spent finishing packing and skyping with his siblings.  He had sent a few emails to the man he’d be living with while he was overseas, confirming his flight time and making sure he’d be there to pick him up.  Dean had been out most of the day, working an early shift so he could get some sleep before driving Cas to the airport.  Not that it would have mattered, Cas had spent the entire day shut up in his room, willing the clock to stop just so he’d have some time to think.

He was more convinced than ever that Dean did not need to know how he felt.  It was already hurting Cas leaving as a friend, he was pretty sure it would wreck both of them if Dean knew what they could have been if Cas hadn’t been such a damn coward.

Neither of them ate breakfast, Dean silently helped Cas load his bags into the Impala, and Cas had a brief goodbye with Sam before they were on their way.  The drive was made in silence as well, Cas feigning sleep, his back turned slightly to Dean in the seat next to him.  They arrived and Dean parked in short term parking, helping Cas with his luggage to the check in counter, then walking with him to the waiting area just before security.

Cas was nervous, and even with his long practice at being stone faced he knew Dean had to notice his anxiety.  They knew each other too well for that.  They found an unoccupied bench and Cas sank onto it, hating that he couldn’t even make small talk with his best friend to pass the time.  Cas watched the people come and go, families excited about going to theme parks, loved ones heading home after vacation waving goodbye to each other.  He didn't want to think about the man sitting next to him, the warm presence sitting close to him, but no where near close enough.

Everything was conflicted and confusing when it came to Dean.  Their friendship was true, Castiel knew that for sure, they had worked through differences of opinion and lifestyle, and found this middle ground where they could be themselves.  But what he was feeling for Dean now, especially with his departure imminent, he'd never experienced anything like it, and he was terrified of it.  So scared he was preparing to break Dean’s heart rather than face the thoughts that had him wishing he could bury himself in Dean’s comforting arms.  He'd shamefully rather lose Dean forever than risk needing someone that badly again.

Dean’s fingers twitched where they rested on his knee, just next to Cas’ knee where his own hand rested.  Cas pretended he didn't notice, that the thought of Dean reaching out to take his hand didn't send warm pulses through his nerves.  A few times he heard Dean inhale, like he was about to say something, but no words ever came.  Cas silently willed Dean to stay silent. If he’d had his way Dean wouldn't even be there, but he had no real reason to tell him to go, and he knew whatever excuse he'd given Dean would just be ignored anyway.

_ One hour left. _

Cas’ chest ached.  He wanted to bury himself in Dean’s arms, to tell him how much it was hurting to leave, like he was tearing himself in two, but if he did that… He was going, and it would be better for Dean if he didn't know.  Dean would be better off with Castiel as a ‘what if’ instead of knowing how much Cas felt the same.

Of course, fate wasn't kind that way.  Fate wouldn't let Cas be for one damn minute.

“Cas, I can't do this,” Dean said quietly, sounding defeated.  Cas’ eyes slid closed, and he took a deep breath, with effort opening them again, though he couldn't look at Dean.

“Dean-”

“No I can't let you go without… without…”  He reached across the small distance between their knees and wrapped his hand around Cas’.  Cas forces his body to stay still, refusing to let his nerves show.

“Dean, don't,” Cas begged.   _ Don't make me do this, not here… _

“I know you know, Cas,” he squeezed Cas’ hand tightly, a tremor in his breathing.  “I couldn't stop this, and I tried.  Trust me, I tried so  _ hard. _ ”  He tugged gently on Cas’ arm, and against all better judgement, Cas stole a glance at Dean’s face.  His heart shattered, reduced to dust by the look in Dean’s green eyes.  There was no hope, no sign in those eyes that he even considered Cas might return his feelings, just resigned determination.  Cas already knew what was coming, but it didn't make it any less painful knowing that Dean didn't think Cas would care about him.

“Dean, please,” he said gently, “this'll be easier if-”

“No it won't, nothing is going to make this easier.”  Cas looked down at their joined hands, his fingers bending around Dean’s on instinct.  “I have to tell you, I have to say the fucking words at least once or I won’t-”

“Stop-”

“Cas-”

“Don't, please-”

“I’ve fallen for you.”  

Cas knew, he had known since the Fourth of July, but hearing it… His heart broke all over again, the ache in his chest cutting so deep he couldn't breathe.  “I know you’ll never- well, I just had to tell you,” he said quietly, still clinging tightly to Cas’ hand.

“I never meant for you to… I don't want to hurt you Dean.”  How could he explain himself, the way he ached for him, and was terrified of having him at the same time?  Dean sighed, running his other hand through his hair distractedly.  

“I know, I did this to myself.  And I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not.  I wouldn't trade this, this feeling for anything.”  Cas felt the hot burn of shame in his gut.  He was the one keeping them apart, not fate, not ill timing,  _ him. _

Because he had to leave. 

Because he was selfish.

Because he was afraid.

“I should get going,” Cas muttered, gathering up the strap for his carry on.

“Cas-”

“Thank you for waiting with me, Dean.  You-” he was cut off mid sentence by Dean's hand sliding across his cheek, turning his face to meet his.  Their eyes locked, and Cas felt heat spreading from Dean’s touch through his skin, down his spine and out his feet, grounding him yet sending his heart flying.

“Just, one more thing, please,” Dean pleaded, and Cas had to swallow the sudden lump in his throat.  “I'm so, so sorry, Cas,” Dean breathed, sad eyes locked on Cas’.  Dean's thumb smoothed the skin along Cas’ cheek, and before he could do anything about it, Dean leaned in and pressed his lips against Cas’ gently.

Time stopped.  

Cas could just let Dean pull away, just keep his lips unresponsive and cold like they were now until Dean gave up.

Or he could kiss him back.

And God help him, against his better judgement, against rational thought, against  _ everything,  _ he kissed him back.

He felt his lips soften into Dean’s, leaning in slightly to press back against him.  His hand moved of its own accord, reaching up and slowly fisting Dean’s jacket.  Dean’s hand slid around the back of Cas’ head, getting lost in the short hair on his neck, pulling him closer.  Lips parted and pressed together again, hardly separate for a millisecond before seeking the others warmth.  Cas felt tears on his face, but he wasn't sure if they were his or Dean's.

It only lasted a moment or two, but it felt like eternity before Cas pushed back against Dean, escaping his embrace and scrambling to gather his bag.  He kept his face turned away from Dean’s desperate to just  _ go,  _ to run away from what had just happened.  He was glad he hadn’t eaten, because his stomach was flipping over on itself.

“You kissed me,” Dean gasped, fingers moving to his lips in disbelief.

“I believe you instigated that,” Cas muttered, hating himself.  He stood suddenly, but Dean was faster, reaching out and grabbing Cas’ wrist before he could move away.

“No, I mean, you kissed me back.  You, you wanted to…”  Cas’ face was flush, he could feel it, and he tried desperately to pull free of Dean.   _ No, this wasn't supposed to happen, you weren't supposed to know. _

“I-I don't, uh,” he stammered. 

“Cas, do you…”  The slight glimmer of hope in Dean’s voice stuck a knife in him.

“Dean, please, I have to go,” he sighed, still struggling to get his hand free of Dean’s.  Dean stood, trying to meet Cas’ eyes, but he ducked his head.  

“You can't even look at me,” Dean sighed.  The hand that wasn't holding onto Cas’ ran into his hair soothingly, turning his face to Dean’s, and a strange whine escaped Cas’ throat.  He couldn't stop himself, he leaned into Dean’s fingers, craving their comfort.  Dean moved quickly, leaning in and kissing him again, and Cas,  _ holy hell _ did he kiss him back.  He had lost total control over himself, his lips seeking Dean’s in desperation, nearly dropping his bag as both fists wrapped in his shirt to hold him close.  Again, he felt tears on his cheek, and this time he realized they were his.

It was strange, that something so beautiful could hurt so much.  Every touch, every taste of Dean was another wound, because he knew… The alarm on his phone sounded, and Dean broke away, looking at Cas with wide eyes, hands running restlessly over Cas’ cheeks, wiping away his tears.

“No, you can't, not now-” Dean gasped, clinging to him tightly.  It took every last bit of strength he had to break his hands away from Dean’s shirt, gently pulling Dean’s hands from him.

“I have to make my flight,” Cas said, surprised his voice was even still working.  “I tried… I tried to tell you this wasn't a good idea,” he stammered.

“But, but you wanted that!  Cas that  _ means _ something, something huge, and you know it!”  Cas forced himself to meet Dean’s eyes, the sharp pain in his chest dulling to a throb as he started to go numb from it all.

“I have to go.”  

“Just one more day, please, Cas.”

“Dean, just stop-”

“Please, Cas, I need you, here.”

“I have to go,” he said, sharper than he wanted.  It stunned Dean into silence briefly.  “I have to make my flight.”

“If you stayed-” Dean started, and Cas tried to cut him off.

“Four months, and I can graduate, Dean.  I have a job lined up, but I need that degree.  I have to go.”

“If you stayed,” he whispered again, “would we have a chance?”  Dean was getting desperate now, Cas could hear it in his voice.  The sound of Dean’s heart breaking.  Cas didn't know the answer to that question, because he'd had almost a month to give them a chance, almost a month where he and Dean could have…

Cas didn't know if that would have been better or worse.

“I can't, Dean.  I'm sorry.”  He pushed all emotion from his face, forcing himself to ignore the pain in Dean’s eyes.  “Good bye, Dean.”  

The finality in his own words made Cas feel like a trap door had just opened beneath him.  His feet moved on autopilot, turning away from Dean and not looking back.

He walked up to the security guard and handed them his passport and boarding pass.  Only once he was through the bag check and metal detectors did he chance a glimpse back.  Dean was still standing where Cas had left him, looking wrecked.  Cas turned back to the train that would take him to the gates.

“I’ll wait for you as long as I have to, you stubborn son of a bitch!!”  Cas froze, a flush running up his cheeks from Dean’s shout.  The whole security area went silent, and Cas turned only to see some security officers pushing Dean towards the exit.  He turned away, not even bothering to stop the tears running down his face, no matter the strange stares he got from the people around him as he boarded the plane.

He was a mess, he didn’t know what to think or feel, but he was going to be gone for four months, and he didn’t know what he’d be coming back to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY FOR THE FEELS T-T
> 
> It gets better I promise!! I'm a sucker for happy endings, they will get there!!


	9. Chapter Nine- While I Was Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, a really quick update for you guys!! I'm spoiling you, I know ;)
> 
> This chapter is a bit jumpy as far as timeline goes, I hope it's easy enough for you to follow along!! Call me out if something is a bit too screwy.
> 
> I AM BEYOND EXCITED FOR CH TEN SO EXPECT ANOTHER UPDATE SOON

Cas slept through most of the flight, jarred awake as the plane landed.  He gathered his carry on in a daze, walking through the airport to baggage claim without thinking much of anything.  He found the correct carousel and while he was waiting, a man approached him.  He was about the same height, short cropped light blonde hair and artfully unshaved.  He walked with a confidence and swagger straight up to Cas.

“Are you Castiel?” 

“Yes, I'm presuming you're Balthazar?” he replied, offering his hand for the other man to shake.  He nodded.

“You can call me Balt.  My mother had a sick sense of humor.”

“Cas will work for me.”

“Deal.”  There was a pause in conversation as the buzzer went off to announce the carousel was going to move.  Cas felt so tired, so burned out, he wobbled slightly on his feet, and Balt must have noticed.  “Since it's the middle of the bloody night, I'll get us a cab back to my flat, we’ll tour around town tomorrow.”  Cas just nodded, trying to pay attention to his new roommate as the bags from his flight started moving by.  

“I appreciate you taking me in, I hope you don't feel obligated to be my tour guide,” Cas said politely.  Balt huffed a small laugh and handed him a cell phone.

“Speaking of feeling obligated.  Pay as you go, temporary thing for while you're here.  Your one and only welcoming gift from me.”  Cas mumbled his thanks, tucking it in his pocket.  As he caught sight of his bag sliding out of the chute, his mind remembered Dean’s strong hands lifting that same bag into the Impala that morning, and another ache spread through him.   _ Fuck _ it was going to be a long four months.  Balt’s gaze fell on him, and he raised an eyebrow, watching him until Cas started to shift awkwardly.

“Is there something you need to know?” he asked.  Balt’s eyes narrowed, before they rolled back and he brought a hand up to rub his temple.

“Oh, dear Lord, tell me I have to deal with a lovesick puppy for four months,” he sighed dramatically.  Cas frowned, grabbing his bag before it went by.  He thought he was doing a better job hiding his feelings, this stranger shouldn't be able to tell.  Then again he was so damn tired, he probably wasn't hiding anything at all.  

“What do you mean?” he asked, trying to keep his voice casual and his face blank.

“Darling, it doesn't take a psychic to know you’ve just had your heart broken.”  Cas watched the luggage, refusing to look up at Balt.

“I don't want to talk about it,” he insisted, trying to put an edge in his voice.  Balt held up his hands defensively.

“Alright, I won't poke.”  He helped Cas with his next bag, righting it and pulling the handle out, keeping hold of it when Cas reached for it to get his attention.  “A little free advice, mostly because I'm stuck with you:  You're here, they're not.”  Cas felt the sting of those words, felt it furrow his brow, but Balt kept going.  “Yeah, it bloody sucks, I'm sure, and all that lovely painful stuff that comes with it.  You're here for a reason, mate.  Go to class, live your life, and if it's meant to be, I'm sure you'll make up and be fucking like rabbits when you get back.”  Cas blushed a deeper red, nearly dropping his suitcase.

“We- uh,... I don't think-”  Balt helped him steady his bag, before looking at him almost pityingly.  

“Oh dear, you haven't even bumped uglies and you're pining this bad?”  Cas rubbed the back of his neck nervously, and his new roommate heaved a heavy sigh as he helped him to the cab stands.  “I'm beginning to regret signing up for this.”

 

The next few weeks passed in a blur of getting set up with school and learning his way around Balthazar’s neighborhood.  The first big change was it was much colder than Florida, he ended up buying a trench coat and a few sweaters to supplement his Florida wardrobe.  There was a lot more walking to and from places, which Cas didn't really mind, it would keep him in shape.  School was similar enough he could handle the change smoothly, and once Balthazar had connected Cas’ laptop to his wifi, he was skyping with Anna or Gabe every week or so.  Once he started exploring the city, it served as a big enough distraction to keep his mind off of what had happened with Dean, and let him enjoy his trip a bit more.

Balt took him, grudgingly, to all the typical tourist spots, letting Cas explore at his own place.  Balt managed to keep from rolling his eyes until he had to deal with Cas’ over reaction to the Tube.  Cas had never been on anything similar to a subway before, and on a long weekend, when Balt had taken him through the Chunnel to France, Cas spent half the trip babbling and trying to wrap his head around the fact he was  _ under the ocean.   _ The trip back wasn't much better, and by the time they were back at Balt’s, Cas was sure his roommate was about to kick him out.  Instead, he took Cas out for a few beers, and Cas found himself getting used to the British man’s dry and sarcastic humor.  Seeing Balthazar as a friend helped him relax, so he could focus on experiencing his time there and not dwell on what he left behind.

He tried not to think about the fact that before meeting Dean, he never would have even reached friendship status with Balt to begin with.

As time wore on, he found his steady regrets about Dean fading away, flaring up suddenly bright then fading again.  He would walk by a park, or pass an exhibit in a museum and wish Dean was there.  He'd think about what to do for dinner and hear Dean’s voice complaining about the amount of vegetables Cas was buying.  For the most part, he was able to go about his day with a clear head and a genuine smile for his classmates or his roommate.

At night, it was unbearable.

On a good night, he'd lay awake for a few hours, staring at the ceiling in Balthazar’s second bedroom until he'd finally drift off to sleep.  On a bad night, he'd toss and turn restlessly until giving in to either his tears or the feel of his hand to exhaust his body into sleep.

 

***

 

Anna and Gabe set up a group Skype for Cas’ birthday on September 18th, and Cas was telling them about his trip to the Tower of London when Gabe let out a frustrated sigh.

“Just tell him!” he said, exasperated.  Cas fell silent, squinting at the digital pictures of his siblings.

“Tell me what?” he asked.  Anna nibbled at her lip before pushing her hand in front of her webcam, showing off a pretty diamond engagement ring when the camera came back into focus.

“Anna!! Congratulations!” Cas said happily.  She pulled her hand away and her face came back into focus, a bright smile on her face.  

“Always knew she'd be the first one to get hitched,” Gabe said, a warm smile on his brother’s face, his words genuine.  Cas knew what he meant, Anna was such a warm person, everyone fell in love with her the moment they met her, it was only a matter of time till she loved someone back.

“Michael wants to wait till spring, he has his heart set on getting married at Bok Tower Gardens.”

“That's down in Lake Wales, right?” Cas asked, trying to place it in his head.  “Why there and not up in North Carolina?”

“Well, we both grew up in Florida, he still has family down there.  I guess his mom got married at the gardens, and since he didn't have any sisters, he wants to do it for her.”

“That's grossly sappy,” Gabe laughed.

“I want it too.  It's so quiet and beautiful, we’ve been a few times, remember?”

“I remember rolling down that big hill by the tower, racing to get to the bottom,” Gabe said with a wink.

“And me getting that stick stuck in my calf, you remember that?” Cas said casually, and he suppressed his grin when Gabe’s face changed to shocked indignance.

“It was barely a splinter, Cas!”

“No, it was almost an inch thick,” Cas reminded him.

“There was a lot of blood, Gabe,” Anna pointed out.

“You two are so mean,” he pouted.  Cas yawned, looking over at his clock.

“Okay, guys, it's five hours ahead here, remember?  I gotta get to bed.”  

“Alright, Cas.  Be safe!” Anna called, signing off.  Gabe’s face took up his whole screen, and something about the look in his eyes made Cas hesitate.

“What is it, Gabe?”  His brother ran his hand through his hair, it was getting long again, almost touching his shoulders.

“Are you really okay, Cassie?”  His tone was entirely serious, and Cas hesitated.

“I'm managing,” he said evasively.  Gabe fixed him with a hard look.

“Don't lie to me, Cas.  I may have only spent one day with the two of you, but I know there was something between you and Dean.”  Cas felt a cold chill run down his spine that had nothing to do with the temperature.

“Whatever it was is a moot point, now,” Cas mumbled.  “I can't think about him.”

“What did he do?” Gabe asked, anger putting an edge to his voice.  Cas shook his head.

“He didn't do anything, Gabe.  I did.”  Cas’ voice broke, and it startled him.  He wasn't expecting the wave of emotion that passed through him.  “I screwed this all up, I have no one to blame but myself.”  Gabe's face softened.

“Cas, I'm sorry, I didn't-”

“Like I said,” Cas sighed, taking a few deeps breaths to keep his voice steady, “I'm managing.”  Gab watched him for a minute.

“If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask,” he said gently.  Cas nodded.

“Good night, Gabe.”  He hung up the skype call and climbed into bed.

Cas cried himself to sleep for the last time that night.

 

***

 

By the time Halloween had arrived, Cas was sleeping normally, and was a much better person to be around.  He hadn’t spoken with anyone back home outside his siblings, only sending Sam a few emails making sure he was okay for rent on the apartment.  Sam’s responses didn't say much in the way of what life was like back home, but he did send a picture of the group in their Halloween costumes.  Jess had worn her scrubs from nursing, painting them with fake blood and doing some zombie makeup, and Charlie had gone total zombie hunter from a video game Cas vaguely recognized, guns, ammo, and everything.  Sam had on a simple black robe, a scythe in one hand, his hair gelled back over the top of his head.  

When Cas’ eyes moved to Dean, the hole in his chest opened up again and threatened to swallow him.  He was dressed as Captain America, wearing one of those shirts that looks like a costume, his mask up over his forehead and a kid’s toy shield hanging from one arm.  He was making a ridiculous face, fake smoulder with his eyebrow raised, and Cas could almost hear the laughs of his friends looking at this picture after it was taken.  Even on a computer screen Dean was stunning.

“Which one?” Balt asked from behind him.  Cas jumped, startled, and looked over his shoulder.  His roommate was standing in the kitchen making some tea, looking over at him with a curious expression on his face.  Cas sat up straighter on the couch, adjusting the laptop where it sat on his knees.  How long had Balt been there watching him stare at Dean?

“Which one what?” he asked, pretending he didn't blush.  Balt brought him a cup of tea and gestured at the screen. 

“Which one broke you?” he asked.  “Come on, fess up.”  After a few sips of the hot liquid, Cas took a deep breath and pointed at Dean, his finger resting on his digital chest.  Balt hummed.

“I take back about a third of the comments I made the past few weeks.  If I had known he was that attractive I might have given you a break.”  Cas almost smiled, eyes unable to leave the picture of Dean.  He stared at his face, trying to see anything in his eyes that might give Cas a hint about how he was feeling, but he couldn't see anything.  He let out a heavy sigh, trying to let the ache in his chest go as well.

“I think I fucked this up pretty bad,” he said quietly, dropping his finger from the screen and sipping at his tea.  Balt continued looking at the picture.

“You're over halfway back to him,” he pointed out.  “Think he waited for you?”  Cas almost laughed, bitter sweetly remembering the scene Dean caused at the airport.  Would Dean really wait?  Had he changed that much, that after four months of Cas’ absence he would be there with an open heart?  Had the damage Cas inflicted been too much?

“I don't know,” Cas said honestly.

“Well you're obviously not over him, so he’s one lucky bastard.”  Cas smiled at Balt, appreciating the small compliment.

“Thanks.”  Balt nodded, moving back out to the kitchen, leaving Cas staring at the picture of Dean, the smallest spark of hope trying to ignite in his heart.

 

***

 

“Now I mean it.  You've become a good friend, damn you, you will keep in touch.”  Balt had just helped Cas heave his third suitcase up on the counter to be checked, he'd had to buy one to accommodate all his new clothes and souvenirs.

“I promise,” Cas laughed, taking his boarding pass and walking towards security.  He adjusted his carry on, trying not to let the emotion he was feeling overwhelm him.  The last month and a half he'd been totally fine.  Not that he'd forgotten about Dean, but he hadn't been crippled by his memories either.  It wasn't until that morning, when he was on the way to the airport, that it had really started to sink in that he was going  _ home _ .

A word that meant so much more than just a description of an apartment.

“And you're going to let me know how things go with the Captain,” Balt insisted.  Cas smiled at his nickname for Dean, given to him since the only picture Balt had seen was from Halloween.  Cas hadn't even been able to get angry about it either, because he knew Dean would get a laugh out of it as well, if he ever found out about it.

“I don't think anything is going to happen, but I'll let you know regardless,” Cas sighed.  He let Balt wrap him in a short hug, squeezing tight enough Cas felt it through his trench coat.  He'd become rather fond of the tacky beige thing, in spite of the fact he wouldn't have much cause to wear it back home.

“Alright, get going,” Balt said quickly, half shoving Cas to the security line.  Cas smiled and waved as he walked away, working on auto pilot until the plane lifted off the ground.

He was going home.  

Next week was Christmas, so he was flying into Miami to spend the week leading up to the 25th with Gabe and Anna, who would be flying down with her fiancé a few days after Cas.  Once Christmas was done it would be back to Orlando, back to his life.  The job Gabe had lined up for him was in Miami, an administrative position at one of his busiest bakeries, but Cas had thought about it while he was gone, and he didn't really want to do that anymore.  He watched some clouds roll by the window and just knew.

He couldn't leave Orlando.  He couldn't leave Dean.

He had stayed up late with Balt over the past few weeks, telling him little tidbits of how he felt about Dean, about their friendship, what had happened to them, and in talking about it, he'd realized again how deeply he'd fallen for him, and surprisingly how fast.  It wasn't an accident that Cas had opened up to him and changed as much as he had, he'd started to love Dean without even realizing it.  Balthazar had been encouraging, hopeful when Cas hadn't had any hope left, and it had helped, but now he had to face up to his feelings.  He wasn't sure he was prepared for it, but it was only a week and a half away before he'd have to walk into his apartment.  A week and a half till he'd be coming face to face with Dean.

 

***

 

Christmas was calming, rare with Cas’ family, but the news of Anna’s engagement and Cas returning from being gone so long had put everyone in a strangely happy, easy going mood.  Cas overshadowed the whole gift exchange with his souvenirs from England, but Gabe only made a half hearted attempt at complaining that his gifts were being overlooked, impressed with the chess set and assortment of British candies Cas had brought home.  Cas cooked for everyone, and Michael helped, giving Cas an opportunity to get to know him a bit better.  Michael was loyal to a fault, and so in love with his sister Cas couldn't help but like him.

Anna and Michael were sharing the spare room with the bed, delegating Cas to the second room with futon again.  He tried to keep his mind off images of Dean laying on the futon, flushed and embarrassed, morning wood hidden under a sheet.  Had he been thinking about Cas?  Was that the cause for his extra embarrassment?  The image that conjured wouldn't leave Cas’ head the entire week.

Cas almost felt guilty for getting off in his brother’s shower.   _ Almost _ .

The day of Cas’ short flight back to Orlando, and against Gabe’s wishes, he went with Anna and Michael for their visit to his mother.   They were going to tell her about the engagement, and after arguing back and forth, Anna agreed to take him along.  The car ride was quiet, the memory of his last visit hanging over Cas, but he wanted to see her when she got the news, hoping to catch a glimpse of her happy again.

Naomi was in the common room when they arrived, and Cas made sure to hang back, staying out of sight by the desk as Anna and Michael went to see her.  He couldn’t quite make out the words being said, but when his mother’s face lit up with a smile, he didn’t need to.  She hugged Anna tightly, and even pulled Michael in for a hug, holding both of their hands in hers as she talked to them.  Her posture was straighter, her movements smoother, and when Anna and Michael said their goodbyes, her happy smile as they left warmed Cas’ heart.  Anna walked up to him, tucking her arm in his as they walked out of the building, Michael’s arm across her shoulders.

“It was nice to see her smile,” Cas said softly.  Anna hummed in agreement, squeezing Cas’ arm.

“She was so happy Cas, so bright and full of energy, it was remarkable.”  Cas leaned over and brushed a small kiss against his sister’s cheek.

“That’s how I’m going to remember her, just like I saw her then.  Not like…” he trailed off and she leaned her head on his shoulder in understanding.

Michael and Anna drove Cas to the airport after stopping for lunch, helping him with his bags to the counter.  Michael shook his hand and stepped away to give the siblings a moment.  Cas was struck again with how much he liked Michael, he was calm and even keel, his presence full of strength.  He was a good fit for Anna.  

“You caught a good one,” he said softly, nodding at Michael.  She flushed slightly, smiling brightly.  

“I did.”

“You deserve it, Anna.  You deserve to be happy.”  He felt a slight shift in his mood as his sister walked a few steps with him towards security.  The butterflies Cas had been able to ignore through the week of Christmas were fluttering around his stomach, churning his small lunch.   Anna wrapped her arms around him tightly, noticing the tenseness of Cas’ arms as he returned the hug.  She looked up at him, an understanding look in her eye.

“Dean?” she asked.  Cas swallowed hard and nodded.  She ran her hand over Cas’ cheek, like she had when he was little, when she was trying to explain something to him he wouldn’t accept.  “You deserve to be happy, too, Cas.”  He let out a shuddering breath, trying to keep control of himself as he tried to say the words he’d yet to say out loud, words he’d hinted at, that he’d told himself, but had been unable to voice.

“I love him,” he forced out, his throat closing up as soon as they left him.  Anna smiled up at him, her hand falling from his face to push him towards security.

“Then go get him,” she said simply.  She believed it, she believed he’d be able to just go home and that he and Dean could be together.  If only it was that simple.  As he watched her walk back to Michael and receive a soft kiss, seeing the love in both of their eyes made his heart hammer alarmingly in his chest.  He wanted that, and he wanted it with Dean, and in a few hours, he’d finally be able to tell him.  He sent Sam a text with shaking fingers, letting him know he was about to board his plane.  Sam had offered to pick him up from the airport in his last email, and Cas had been so relieved it wasn’t Dean he’d nearly hugged his computer when he read Sam’s message.  Sam texted back that he’d be there and Cas shut off his phone, boarding the plane with shaking legs.

Cas had barely passed through the security barrier into the main area of the Orlando airport when he was nearly pounced upon by Sam.

“Cas!  Hey good to see you!” he said, shaking his hand and clapping him on the back firmly.  Cas smiled up at Sam.

“Hello, Sam.  It’s good to see you, too.”  They started walking towards baggage claim, Sam asking excited questions about his trip, every answer Cas gave sparking three new questions.  Sam was in full on bouncy puppy mode and Cas felt himself relaxing a little, being around Sam after four months and feeling like nothing had changed was helping his nerves even out.  Sam didn’t let Cas get a word in edgewise until they’d gathered all three of his bags and loaded up into Sam’s Charger.  As he pulled them out of the airport, Sam finally grew pensive, his brow furrowing like he was bracing for something.

“Hey, Cas?”

“Yeah?” he asked, sensing Sam’s change in mood.

“Look, I uh, I know this is some pretty heavy crap to lay on you the moment you land, but uh… I’m moved out of the apartment.”  Sam said the last bit in a hurry, like he was trying to get it out and hoping Cas wouldn’t be angry.  Cas blinked at Sam, totally blindsided, his heart rate increasing.  If Sam had moved out that left him living all alone…  _ with Dean _ .

“Why?” Cas asked, hoping there wasn’t too much fear in his voice.

“Well, that’s uh… Geez, I, uh… Jess is pregnant,” Sam muttered, a blush and a silly grin spreading across Sam’s face.  It took almost a full minute for Cas to process what Sam had said.  When it finally did register, he felt his face break into a smile.

“She's… shit, Sam that's… congratulations.”

“I know,” Sam laughed.  “We’re thinking about renting a house when her lease is up on her apartment in a few months.  There’s some neighborhoods within decent driving distance of school that seem affordable, and we’ll still be able to take classes, since a lot of her advanced nursing classes are in the evening, and I can take morning classes.”  Cas made an impressed face when Sam paused in his rambling.

“You seem to be well on your way to figuring this out,” he pointed out with a small laugh.  Sam shrugged, a soft smile on his face.

“That’s mostly Jess, she’s the one with her shit together.  I’m a fucking mess half the time and I’m not the one with morning sickness.”  Sam ran a hand through his hair.  “It's quick, it's scary, it's overwhelming… but I'm happy.  I really am and I don't care if everyone else thinks I'm nuts.”  Cas smiled.

“You're in love, Sam, that's all you need to know.”  He watched the rain run in streaks down the window, and he almost laughed out loud at the irony of him saying that to Sam.  He couldn't even get his own shit together, who was he to offer advice?  They were quiet for a short while before Sam started speaking again.

“Dean’s been promoted, in a way, at the bar.  Benny hired him on as the lead singer for the house band when their last guy quit.  He's up there singing just about every day now.  Still karaoke tonight, every Tuesday and Thursday like before, but in addition he does some sets on Friday through Sunday.”  He could sense the cautious way Sam was talking, feel his eyes on him for brief glances.  He kept his face blank for that reason.

“That's good, he enjoys being up there,” Cas said, trying to sound indifferent.  Sam took a deep breath.

“I thought he'd be happy, too.  He's just been, I don't know, different lately.”  Cas knew Sam was fishing, trying to figure out what was wrong with Dean.  He couldn't answer, couldn't even attempt to either lie or tell the truth, because it wasn't fair to Sam to lie, and he wasn't ready for the truth.  Instead he just shrugged and leaned against the window in silence the rest of the trip, feigning sleep.

At some point he actually  _ did _ fall asleep, coming back to consciousness when Sam pulled to a stop in their parking lot.  They managed to drag all three of Cas’ bags up to the apartment, Cas opening the front door and walking straight to his room without looking around, hoping to keep the flood of emotions at bay while Sam was around.  The lack of greeting he assumed meant Dean wasn't home, and he flipped on his light, dropping his bags on the floor by his bed.  

“Look, Cas, it's not my business,” Sam began, apparently unable to just let things go, “but I have to say it as Dean’s brother: he's been a mess since you left.  He acts like he's fine, but I know him, he's not.”  Cas chewed the inside of his lip, managing to keep himself quiet, and Sam continued talking.  “I don't know what happened between you, or if it even has anything to do with you, just… come to the bar tonight?  Talk to him?”  Cas took a deep breath.  

“I'll think about it,” he said quietly.  Sam nodded and left, and Cas pulled his trench coat off, draping it over his desk chair.  He took a deep breath, the familiar scent of the apartment and the feel of being in his own room finally making it real.  He was home.  He looked at his suitcases, the motivation to unpack quickly leaving him.  He walked out of his bedroom, looking at Dean’s door and noticing it wasn't quite closed all the way.  Feeling strangely stalkerish, but not really caring, he walked across the hall and gently pushed it open.  

Dean’s room was a little more disheveled than the last time he'd seen it, more clothes on the floor and more belongings strewn about.  He breathed deep, just able to make out the smell of Dean’s cologne from the doorway.  His chest suddenly ached so much he dropped to his knees.

It was  _ his  _ fault Dean was upset.   _ His _ fault they'd fallen apart like this.  He'd been so worried about losing Dean that he'd lost him before he had a chance to have him.  Sam didn't know that the reason Dean was acting different was because Cas had broken his heart.  All his daydreams that had haunted him over the past few months start playing in his mind as he kneels on the carpet.  The one where he just gives in and tells Dean he feels the same way the night of the Fourth of July.  The one where he stays, just for the one day Dean was asking for, letting them have at least that together.  The one where they’re cuddled together, just quietly looking at each other in Cas’ bed.  He doesn’t cry, but he sits there for longer than he’d care to admit, hating himself.  Dean deserved so much better than what Cas had done to him, he deserved the world, and happiness, not fucking heart break because the man he chose to love was a cowardly dick.

Well, he was home now, and like Sam suggested, he needed to try and make this right.

Cas eventually closed Dean’s door, managing to stand and walk back in his room, grabbing his trench coat and calling an Uber, deciding right then he should look into getting a car.  It was probably too late to fix things with Dean, the damage was done, but he needed to at least go and apologize.  He wasn’t expecting much, if Dean even wanted to see him, but he had to at least say he tried.  He rehearsed different things to say in his head as he waited for the Uber to get to Lafitte’s, but none of them did any justice to the regret in Cas’ chest.  He climbed out of the car at the bar and hurried in through the rain that was still falling, pausing in the doorway to scan the crowd for Sam and Jess.  He caught sight of them at the table closest to the bar, and he made his way through the crowd to join up with them.

“Cas!  Welcome back!” Jess said with a beaming smile, wrapping him up in a hug.  He pulled on his fake face, hiding his turmoil as he greeted his friends so he wouldn't have to explain himself.

“Congratulations are in order, I hear,” Cas said with a small smile.  She beamed, glancing back at Sam.

“Yeah, thanks,” she said, her hand moving instinctively to her belly.  “We flew out to tell my parents over Christmas.  My dad was a little upset, but my mom talked him down from shooting out Sam’s kneecaps.”  She giggled at Sam’s awkward cough.

“You didn’t say he was that mad!” he sounded like he was actually scared, and Cas couldn’t help the small genuine smile that tugged at the corner of his lips.

“Come on, you knocked up his baby girl, of course he’s going to be pissed!” Charlie’s voice came from behind Cas.  She wrapped him up in a hug, tugging at his coat as she pulled away.  “Nice trench,” she snickered.  He shrugged, adjusting the coat on his shoulders.  

“I like it,” he said easily.  

“So where’s my souvenirs?” Charlie demanded.  Cas sighed.

“Charlie, I  _ just _ flew in, I’m five hours ahead of you guys, and I’m tired.  You’ll get your things soon, I promise.”  She squealed and hugged him again.

“You  _ did  _ get me something!  I was just being hopeful!”

“I got everyone a little something,” he said with a smile.  “I even went to the trouble of wrapping them,” he added with a slightly embarrassed laugh.  

“We’ll just have a late Christmas,” Jess said glowingly.  Charlie moved off to work and when Cas dropped into the chair on the other side of Sam, he gently clapped Cas on the shoulder.  

“Thanks,” he said quietly, before returning his attention to Jess.  Cas felt a bit more relaxed, having their familiar faces and conversation around was doing him a world of good.  He was still nervous about seeing Dean, his palms sweaty and his skin clammy, but he knew he had friends to fall back on.  As little help as it was, it kept him from turning and walking out the door when the lights went down and people started to cheer and crowd around the stage.  Cas felt a small surge of pride, knowing they were cheering for Dean, and knowing how much Dean loved it, even if he wouldn’t admit it.  In fact, Cas had himself pretty well put together finally.

Until Dean walked out onstage.

Seeing him was like a shot of adrenaline to the heart.  Every muscle in his body started to tense, his heart began fluttering rapidly in his chest, and all moisture was pulled from his mouth.  Dean was  _ beautiful _ , his hair was a bit longer than when Cas had left, no longer sticking up in little spikes but neatly folded over.  He was wearing nothing but a tee shirt and jeans, each article of clothing clinging to his muscled frame, but it wasn't just his appearance that affected Cas.  He almost seemed to have this aura about him, this presence that pulled at Cas’ soul.  Going without him for four months was like an addict going without a fix, and seeing him now was the best hit he'd ever taken.

Dean looked up at the audience, smiling as people clapped and cheered, but it wasn't Cas’ smile, it wasn't the one he’d seen in the Impala, or on the Fourth with the sparkler reflected in his eyes, or floating in Gabe’s pool.  It was just a smile, to show the audience what they wanted to see.

“Hey, is there something going on tonight?  Why are all you people here?” Dean said with his default flirty banter, the way he had when they’d first met.  The crowd laughed and some more cheers went up from the audience as Dean walked up to his stool, not picking up the guitar sitting on a stand behind him.  He was nervous, no matter how relaxed he tried to appear, Cas could see all his tells.  Charlie walked out onstage, sitting at the keyboard set up behind Dean, and a little gasp escaped the crowd.

“I'm going to try something different today,” Dean said, and Cas could feel the anticipation in the room.  Dean looked to Charlie for encouragement, and Charlie nodded back, grinning.  Dean closed his eyes for two beats before hitching a smile on his face and turning back to the crowd.

“I know you guys love my covers, and we’ll get to that, but I just finished writing a song I've been working on for a while and-” he was cut off by the uproar from the crowd, and he smiled in embarrassment.  He and Charlie exchanged words Cas couldn't hear.

“Holy shit,” Sam chuckled from behind Cas.

“What?” Cas asked, tearing his eyes away from Dean and turning to face him.  Jess was equally shocked.

“Good to know I'm not the only one that didn't know he was writing,” she laughed, nudging Sam.  “He's kept this very hush, shame on him and Charlie.  We had no idea, Cas.”  He suddenly felt extremely nervous, turning back to the stage as Charlie gave him a little piano intro.

Dean's beautiful voice floated out into the room that had grown deathly quiet.  Cas wouldn't have noticed them even if they had been cheering, as soon as he heard the pain in Dean’s voice, he knew who this song was about, and all that remained in the world was the two of them.

 

 _A drop in the ocean_ __  
_A change in the weather_ __  
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_ __  
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_ __  
_But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven_ __  
__  
_I don't wanna waste the weekend_ __  
_If you don't love me pretend_ __  
_A few more hours then it's time to go_ __  
_As my train rolls down the east coast I wonder how you keep warm_ __  
_It's too late to cry_ __  
_Too broken to move on_ __  
_And still I can't let you be_ __  
_Most nights I hardly sleep_ __  
_Don't take what you don't need from me_ __  
__  
_It's just a drop in the ocean_ __  
_A change in the weather_ __  
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_ __  
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_ __  
_But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven_ __  
__  
_Misplaced trust in old friends_ __  
_Never counting regrets_ __  
_By the grace of God I do not rest at all_ __  
_And New England as the leaves change_ __  
_The last excuse that I'll claim_ __  
_I’m a boy who loved someone who’s like a little child_ __  
_And still I can't let you be_ __  
_Most nights I hardly sleep_ __  
_Don't take what you don't need from me_ __  
__  
_It's just a drop in the ocean_ __  
_A change in the weather_ __  
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_ __  
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_ __  
_But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my..._ __  
__  
_Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore_ __  
_No, no_ __  
_Heaven doesn't seem far away_ __  
_Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore_ __  
_No, no_ __  
_Heaven doesn't seem far away_ __  
_Oh, oh_ __  
__  
_It's just a drop in the ocean_ __  
_A change in the weather_ __  
_I was praying that you and me might end up together_ __  
_It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert_ __  
_But I'm holding you closer than most 'cause you are my heaven_ _  
_ __You are my heaven

 

Dean's eyes scanned the loudly cheering and clapping crowd once he was finished, and the spell he'd cast over Cas broke.  Tears were burning behind Cas’ eyes, and he felt nauseous, and he realized those shining green eyes might find him in the crowd.  Cas panicked, he tumbled from his chair, turning to go.

“I can't do this,” he gasped.  He needed air, he needed to get away from those sad green eyes, from those words Dean had written about him, the words Dean had sung to a crowd of people about them.  There was absolutely no way he could talk to Dean now, hearing those words had killed every bit of him that ever thought he could fix what he’d broken between them.

“Cas?” Jess called, concern and surprise in her voice, but he ignored it and pushed past.  He stumbled through the door of the bar, tempted to keep walking the whole way home, but settling for stopping at a bus stop about a block away, dropping on the bench and trying to stop his body from shaking.  There was no awning over the stop, the soft rain that had permeated the day was dusting his hair and cheeks.  He was gasping against the ache in his chest, the pain of knowing that he had ruined whatever could have been between them, because of his selfish fear.  The light drizzle from before shifted and turned into actual rain as he sat, and Cas pulled his coat tighter, hugging his arms tightly around himself.   _ At least now if I cry the rain will hide it _ , he thought miserably.  It wasn’t until that moment he realized how much he wanted Dean, on a level so deep Cas hadn't realized how badly one person could need another.

A soft scuff of a shoe let Cas know he wasn’t alone.  He glanced at his watch; only about fifteen minutes had gone by from when he'd left the bar.  He raised his head to see Dean standing beside him, hands tucked in the pockets of his leather jacket.

“You’ll catch your death out here if you're not careful,” he said simply.  Cas didn't trust himself to speak, he just focused on breathing, his eyes dropping to focus on Dean’s feet.  A thick silence fell between them, heavy with words neither of them could say.

“How was your Christmas?” Dean asked.

“Good, peaceful, in spite of being in Miami.”  Cas’ voice was working on its own accord, he had no control over it.

“You went to Gabriel’s?”

“Yeah.  Anna and Michael flew down.  They’re getting married.”

“That’s great.”

“How about you?”

“Good.  Me, Sam, and Jess drove up to Kansas after they went and saw Jess’ parents, spent most of the week with Bobby, Ellen, and Mom.  I'm going to try and convince them to come down here for my birthday next month.”  

Cas’ resolve shattered.

He couldn't do this.

“Dean-”

“Cas-”

They both started and stopped at the same time.  It was raining steadily, soaking Cas’ hair and dripping down his neck under the cuff of his coat.  He looked up at Dean to see the water had matted his hair flat, dripping down his face and soaking his shirt.  This strained quiet between them was almost worse than Dean being angry at him, because it felt to Cas like Dean had just given up, like he had hurt too much so he just turned it off.

“Let me take you home,” Dean said quietly.  Cas didn't have it in him to object, so he stood and followed Dean back towards the parking lot.  It couldn’t get more awkward than this between them, and while Dean had followed Cas outside, that didn’t get Cas’ hopes up.  Cas was bracing himself, waiting for the storm to hit.  When they reached the Impala, Dean paused, his shoulders set like he was making up his mind about something.   _ This is it,  _ Cas thought to himself,  _ this is the moment Dean tells me he hates me.   _ Dean spun to look at Cas, and Cas pulled his coat tighter around him, hiding from the words he'd dreaded for four months.

“I'm so fucking sorry,” Dean gasped out.

Okay, he wasn't expecting that.

Dean was  _ sorry _ ?

“Why?” was all Cas could think of in response.  “Why are you apologizing?”  Dean’s brow furrowed, looking as confused as Cas felt.

“Isn't it obvious?  I kissed you, Cas.  I-” Dean faltered, swallowing hard.  “I was selfish, and I pushed myself and my- my emotions on you… I fucking violated your space and your trust.”  He trailed off, meeting Cas’ eyes remorsefully.  “I don’t know if we can get back… what we had, but I- yeah... I'm sorry.”  Cas blinked at Dean, totally stunned.  Yeah, he’d violated his personal space, but Cas hadn’t cared about that at all, he’d wanted it.  Dean hadn’t known that, though.  Dean didn’t know that Cas didn’t care about that kiss, not in that way.

This whole time Cas was hating himself for breaking Dean’s heart, Dean thought he'd been the one that hurt Cas.  An odd surge of hope swelled too fast in him, nearly making his knees give out.

“No- Dean, no-” Cas was trembling, his mind racing to catch up and failing miserably.  Dean’s head dropped down, his hands clenching into fists.

“I get it, Cas.  I’ll… I'll just call you a taxi…” Cas felt the pain in Dean’s voice like a physical blow.   _ Get your shit together, Milton, right fucking now. _  He physically shook himself, breaking out of his stunned stupor.

“Dean, stop, that's not what I meant,” Cas gasped out.  “You misunderstand me.  I was saying no because you don't have anything to apologize for.”  This was the moment of truth, and Cas could hardly keep his shaking limbs under control.  Dean lowered his phone he'd pulled out of his pocket, his brow furrowed as he looked at Cas.

“But Cas, I-”

“I wanted to kiss you,” he said hurriedly, and Dean’s face changed from pained regret to shocked, then to hopeful so fast Cas could hardly keep track.  “I shouldn't have left you in the dark like that, I’m the one that's sorry,” he breathed.

“Cas, I-”  He pushed through what Dean was saying, needing to get his words out before his voice failed him altogether.

“I was scared.  I had convinced myself that you were better off without knowing.  I didn't want to face what I was feeling, so I pushed myself away from you, because I couldn't- I couldn't admit that I needed someone this badly, I couldn’t face the fact that I…”  He swallowed hard, looking up at Dean and falling into the green pools of his eyes.  “I’m still scared shitless, to be honest,” he breathed, “but I feel things for you, things I didn’t think I’d ever feel again.  I think I need you, and I’m- I’m willing to let myself now.”  Dean moved towards him, slowly moving into his bubble, closer and closer.  A look of pure wonder crossed over his face when Cas himself took the final step in, leaning his forehead against Dean’s shoulder like he had in the pool.

“Cas, I'm scared too,” Dean sighed, placing a hand softly on his upper arm.  “I didn't know I could feel this much for another person.  That …”  He slowly raised his hand to touch Cas’ chin, raising his eyes to his.  “I didn't think I was capable of feeling like this,” he whispered.  Cas watched the rain glistening in Dean's eyelashes, the glow from the street lamps making his eyes shine a gold green.  “Whatever you need me to be, a friend, or- or more, I’m here.  For you.”  Cas nodded and leaned in closer, tentatively wrapping a single arm around Dean.  Dean’s fingers gently traced his cheek and jaw where they rested, and Cas felt his nerves and his anxiety melt away.  He shifted and pressed his forehead against Dean’s, while Dean’s fingers trailed from his chin up to the back of his neck, brushing the short hairs there gently, his other hand resting on his shoulder.

Dean didn’t hate him, didn’t resent him, didn’t curse him out for leaving.  Everything Cas deserved to happen to him hadn’t happened.  Instead, Dean apologized to him, and he still wanted him, and Cas just gave up trying to think about what was happening and just lost himself in the gentle touches of Dean’s fingers, running along the back of his neck soothingly.

“Dean…” he breathed, snaking his other hand out from under his coat to rest against Dean’s chest.  “I’m a little new to this,” he flushed, his fingers pulling at the damp fabric of Dean’s shirt, “I’m sorry if I move a little slowly.”  Dean’s fingers found his chin again, tilting his head slowly and pressing his lips against his temple.

“Don't apologize for who you are, Cas,”  Dean breathed into his skin.  “We’ll get there, at your pace.  We have time.”  Dean smiled at him, pressed one last gentle kiss against his forehead, then stepped back.  “How about we go home and warm up, alright?  We both look like drowned rats.”  Cas hadn't noticed how cold the rain had made him, but now that Dean mentioned it, he shivered.  “Besides, I figure this is as good a reason as any to play hooky for the night.”  Cas looked up in time to see Dean wink and the smallest ghost of a smile graced his lips as he nodded up at his best friend.  They wordlessly climbed into the Impala, and Dean took them back to the apartment, his right hand resting in Castiel’s as Cas’ fingers traced every line, scar, and contour of his fingers down to his wrist.  

He was touching Dean, and it didn’t bother him, nor did it overwhelm him with hormonal want.  It was simple, and easy, and everything he hoped it would be like.  They broke contact to leave the Impala and make their way inside the apartment, Cas following a half step behind Dean as they walked inside.  He stripped out of his coat, hanging it up on the rack to dry as Dean pulled off his jacket. 

“I’m going to go get out of these clothes and dry off a bit,” Dean announced, moving towards his bedroom as Cas followed.  “Why don’t you get some sleep and we’ll talk in the morning?”  Cas didn’t want to wait, he was finally here with Dean, and things were okay, but he felt the heaviness of his eyelids and knew he wouldn’t be able to stay awake much longer.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he said simply.  Dean smiled, stepping back out of his room and moving towards Cas.  A little thrill went through him as Dean’s arms slipped around him in a small hug, his nose buried in Cas’ hair for a small moment.

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean breathed, releasing him and turning back to his room.  Cas stepped inside his own room, stripping out of his wet clothes and finding a towel, drying off his hair and shoulders.  He pulled a pair of sweatpants out of his dresser, finding a tee shirt and pulling it over his head as he climbed into bed.  He managed to stay awake long enough to shoot a brief email to Balthazar.

_ You were mostly right about me and the Captain, minus the fucking like rabbits bit.  Go ahead and do your happy dance you smug git. _

 

Cas had a moment of panic when he woke up, forgetting briefly that he was home, in his own bed.  As soon as that sunk in a happy thrill ran through him, and he climbed out of bed, stopping to brush the morning breath out of his mouth and pee, then taking a deep breath he opened his bedroom door, taking the two steps across the hall and knocking on Dean’s door.  It hadn’t been latched the whole way, and it started to swing open after he knocked.  Dean looked up at him from his bed, a smile on his face as he set his book down.  

“Good morning, Cas.  Come on in.”  He was shirtless, since he always slept that way, and Cas allowed himself a tiny moment of self indulgence to appreciate the sight before he raised his eyes to Dean’s.

“Good morning,” he agreed, slightly lightheaded from the giddy happiness in his heart and the lack of weight on his shoulders.  Four months of regret and worry that weighed him down were suddenly so much less, and it was going to take some getting used to.

“I feel like I owe you my side of the story,” Dean said gently, he’d obviously put a lot of thought into this while he was waiting for Cas to wake up.  “Would that be okay with you?”  Cas nodded, and when Dean moved sideways on the bed, Cas climbed into the empty space next to him, mirroring Dean and leaning on the headboard.  Dean took a deep breath, looking up at his ceiling.

“I guess I’ll start at the beginning…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: "A Drop In The Ocean"- Ron Pope. Took a little artistic licence, hope no one minds.


	10. Chapter Ten- What's On My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean Winchester finally talks about his freaking feelings...
> 
> DEAN POV CHAPTER KIDS, STRAP IN!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically with this chapter, Dean is telling Cas this story. It was easier to do it as a POV chapter than in dialogue, so if you aren't a fan sue me for being lazy XD
> 
> To be honest, the work I put into this chapter... this one has got to be my favorite so far... possibly tied with CH 11, but yeah.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy!

(Dean)

 

_ January _

Dean hated asking for help because it felt like begging.  Hated it with a passion, but he didn’t have much choice in the matter this time.  It was his own damn fault he'd left Lisa the way he did.  Karma, he knew was just paying him back.  He was jobless, homeless, and really he had nowhere else to go.  He found himself talking his brother into letting him rent out the spare bedroom in his apartment, at least until he had enough money for a place of his own.  He could have gone home to Kansas, it was much closer to Indiana, where he’d been living with Lisa, but he didn’t want to deal with the sympathy in his mom’s eyes again.  If only he’d never mentioned Lisa to her, it wouldn’t have been as big of a deal.  As it was he knew she had been rooting for him and he'd let her down.  Again.

He really had no intention of staying with Sam all that long anyway, knowing Sam had a pretty serious girlfriend was just going to rub it in Dean’s face even more that he was doomed to live out his life alone, filling the gap with one night wonders until he’d even outgrown that.  He had tried with Lisa, she was good for him and he tried to be good for her, but he never felt that spark, that depth that meant he was really in love.  Her son, Ben, had even warmed up to him, he was going to miss the kid, but he couldn't stay.

He knew Sam had a roommate, from Sam’s description a bit of a quirky guy with a lot of strange habits, what he wasn’t expecting was for the guy to be so damn  _ gorgeous _ .  Dean always had a thing for blue eyed guys, and with the tousled hair and firm jaw this guy was everything Dean wanted.  

Too bad he wanted nothing to do with Dean.  He turned on every bit of charm he had, and the guy, Castiel, hardly batted an eye when he turned Dean down.  Not a ‘I'm not gay’, just a flat out no.  Dean tried to pretend it didn't hurt.

Pure serendipitous luck led to him getting a job at Benny’s bar.  It wasn’t like he had a whole lot of marketable skills to boast about in job interviews, and bartending seemed like it’d be a fun gig.  Charlie, one of the other bartenders, had taken to him right away in just the hour or so he’d been there on his first day, and Dean had to admit he could have done worse.  He had expected Sam’s lackluster reaction, after all, it was just another crappy job in a list of crappy jobs Dean had over the years.  What he wasn’t expecting was for Sam’s roommate, Cas, to show so much interest.  He seemed genuinely concerned for the relationship between the brothers, and other than family, no one had even bothered to show much interest in how he and Sam got along.  For a practical stranger to not only notice Sam’s poor reaction, but Dean’s  _ lack  _ of reaction made Dean intrigued to say the least.

Not to mention he was walking around half hard all the time just from Cas’ presence.   _ Dammit. _

 

_ February _

Sam hadn’t attempted to murder him yet, which was a bonus, and for once everything seemed to be running smoothly.  Cas didn’t seemed bothered by Dean’s ‘extracurricular’ activities, not even letting on he noticed when Dean would stumble in after a long night out having drinks, and the occasional one nighter.  Sam was passive aggressive about the whole thing, obviously unhappy with Dean because of his activities but never outright saying anything other than to request Dean not bring anyone home.  

Of course, too many drinks one night, and a particularly frustrating need to get Cas off his mind led to his first fuck up.  He’d met a guy at the bar, blue eyes, tall and lanky, and after his shift they’d stayed for drinks.  He had every intention of going back to the guy, Jake’s apartment, but he was much more of a lightweight than Dean anticipated, and there was no way Jake was going to make it that far.  Dean got him back to the apartment he shared with Cas and Sam, trying to be as quiet as possible as he got the guy into his bedroom.  As Jake drunkenly attempted to get his hands on Dean, any desire to sleep with him quickly dissipated.  With the person he really wanted to be with just across the hall, and the guy way too intoxicated to give consent, Dean just wanted to go to bed.  He got Jake into bed, letting him curl up against Dean from behind, sucking sloppy kisses into the back of his neck until he passed out.  Dean lay awake for a long while, feeling shame for his actions for the first time in a long time.  Normally he’d have no problem letting some random stranger fuck him senseless, but after Lisa, it hadn’t been that easy.  He was afraid he was starting to get the ‘find the one and settle down’ feeling, even though he was still fairly young.  Maybe that's what happened when someone grows up too fast.

Jake had woken up, a bit hungover and pleasantly surprised to learn Dean hadn’t done anything with him the night before.  Of course, Cas  _ literally  _ bumped into him on his way out, and Sam showed up the moment Dean got him to the door.  Sam immediately started in on him, overreacting in Dean’s mind, and he went on the defensive, not even bothering to explain what really happened.  He couldn’t understand why Sam was so pissed until Cas matter of factly explained why Sam was being so defensive.

Cas was  _ demisexual. _  That explained a whole hell of a lot, and now Dean was starting to feel a little shitty.  His attempt to apologize turned into another psyche evaluation by Cas, and Dean was reeling from how much Cas had figured out about him just by watching him.  After a shower, another psyche lesson turned into Dean explaining his tattoos, which then turned into a date.

Well, not a date, because Cas didn’t see Dean that way, couldn’t see Dean that way really.  Didn’t stop Dean from thinking it though, from the moment they set it up to the moment they sat down in the restaurant.  As sad as it was, it was probably the best date Dean had ever been on, because it wasn’t just a prelude to sex.  They were actually sitting and talking, about Cas and about himself.  Real conversation, not meaningless small talk to pass the time until the night devolved into a romp between the sheets.  Of course, their waitress had slipped Dean her number, and he needed to relieve his stress somehow, but as she was shuffling Dean out of her apartment later that night, he didn’t feel any better about it.

 

_ March _

Dean wanted to meet Sam’s girlfriend, yes, that was a major part of his decision to invite all of them to the St. Patrick’s Day party.  The other part was he wanted to invite Cas, and had  _ no  _ idea how to ask someone he found that attractive a question like that and not make it sound like a date.  He really enjoyed the comfortable relationship they’d built as roommates, but no matter how friendzoned he was, Cas didn’t stop being gorgeous.

Especially when he found out about the damn angel wing tattoo.  Not to mention the casual way Cas started talking about his childhood, apparently deciding he and Dean were close enough to share information like that.  Dean drove to the bar with the conversation heavy on his mind, and Dean was flustered while he set the stage set up, aware Cas was there and watching him.  He’d started singing like he always did to check the mic, earning a cat call from Charlie at the bar.  He caught Cas’ eyes across the room and suddenly felt more exposed, more embarrassed than he should have, and when he slipped behind the bar and Cas practically  _ flirted  _ with him he nearly fell over himself.  

That was nothing compared to drunk Cas.  He was adorably annoyed with everything and everyone, and his normally diminished filter was totally gone.  As Dean drove them home, Cas was saying things to Dean that he was almost 100% sure Cas would not be telling him if he was sober, and while he enjoyed the chance to get to know Cas better, the circumstances sucked.  He wanted sober Cas to tell him these things, because it would mean he trusted Dean.  He got Cas home, his state of intoxication removing his physical bubble so that Dean could help him into bed.  Then he reached out and took Dean’s face in his hands, looking hard into his eyes, and Dean nearly moaned out loud.

They were so close to kissing, inches apart with Cas cupping his cheeks, and for a very brief moment he allowed himself that small fantasy.  He allowed himself the fantasy of leaning in and brushing his lips against Cas’ lips and skin, of running his hands into that gorgeous hair-  _ going to be a cold shower kind of night. _

Helping Cas recover after puking the next morning wasn’t as fun, not to mention the fact that Cas seemed to have forgotten most of their conversation, but of course not the part where Dean had opened up about his father.  Dean wasn't even the one that had been drunk, and that morning was rough on him.  Cas had seemed okay with what had happened, though, even offering to tell Dean about his life someday, and Dean was starting to wonder if he’d ever stop being surprised by the blue eyed man sitting in front of him.

 

_ April _

_ Just stop, _ Dean kept telling himself.  Stop thinking about it.  Stop thinking about the fact you can’t stop thinking about Castiel.

Charlie had become fast friends with Cas, Sam, and Jess, and now they were all together nearly constantly.  Cas was loosening up from when they'd first met, he was smiling more, laughing more, and Dean kept finding himself just staring at the flash of teeth, his heart skipping each time he saw it.  He never wanted Cas to stop smiling, which was probably why he told him about the singing Benny had convinced him to sign up for.  Cas was stupidly happy for Dean and he’d even take the ribbing Sam was giving him just to see that pride in Cas’ eyes.  

Of course, life was never fair to Dean.  

He'd expected his Dad’s call, with Sam’s birthday coming up, but he wasn't expecting the news he was going to get.

His liver was failing.  His dad was dying and their was shit he could do about it.  Leave it to John Winchester to just deliver the news like it was no big deal, laughing about the irony of it.  Dean held himself together pretty well, trying to be strong like he had been for so many years.  His dad asked him not to tell Sam, but there was no way Dean was going to listen.  He was Sam’s dad too, he deserved to know.  Of course, Sam blew up at him at even the mere suggestion he go see John, before he could even say he was dying.  He didn't really blame Sam too much, but John was  _ family.   _ Also leave it to Sam to call out every single damn thing Dean hates about himself.  He wasn't angry at Dean, not really, but it didn't make the words sting any less.

He was so pissed at his shitty life he took his own anger out on Cas.  If that wasn't the icing on the fucking cake.  He just needed to get out, drown himself in booze and a warm body, just be the fuck up Sam expected him to be, because that was all he was good for.  Cas was standing there, looking so hurt, but so tempting, and Dean had him up against the wall before he could even register how awful an idea that was.  This beautiful man he'd started calling  _ angel _ in his head was looking up at him with borderline  _ fear _ in his eyes.

_ God, I hate this _ .  He left, driving until he found a properly seedy bar and proceeding to try and drown himself in whiskey.  He couldn't have Cas before as anything more than a friend, and now Cas probably wanted nothing to do with him period.

Which was why he was utterly shocked to see him and Charlie walk in the bar a couple hours later.  Charlie chewed him out, like he knew she would, but Cas took a gentler approach, his calm voice trying to simply coax Dean into coming home.  He didn't deserve friends like these, and he sure as hell didn't deserve this kind treatment from Cas.  Feeling too worn out to argue, he gave Cas his keys and let him drive them home, hoping that showing the level of trust it required of him to let Cas drive would serve as the beginnings of an apology.

The hangover the next morning wasn't the worst he’d had, but the guilt and the conversation with his dad had caught up to him, and it was all he could do to just hold himself together.  Until Cas walked into his room, sitting there waiting for Dean to fall apart so he could be there next to him and hold him together.  He let it all out, everything he’d been holding onto, because Cas didn't need him to be strong like Sam did, like his dad did.  He let himself crumble, and let Cas catch him.  He told him everything, Cas just listening calmly, and at the end, when he said he thought Dean acted how he did because ‘he was afraid of needing someone’, Dean’s chest ached with a different pain, with a good kind.  Watching Cas interact with his brother Gabriel for the first time, seeing through that carefully constructed shell a little bit made that good kind of pain blossom into something bigger.

_ Bend me over because I'm fucked,  _ he thought to himself,  _ I need  _ you _ , now, Cas. _

 

_ May _

He spent most of the next couple weeks at Charlie’s, letting Sam blow off steam.  He went home long enough to switch out his clothes a few times, Charlie and Benny in tow on a few occasions on their way out to dinner.  After the first night when Charlie had nearly killed herself tripping at the entrance to the hallway, Dean made sure he flipped a lamp on, hoping Cas’ door was closed so he wouldn't wake him up.  Time and again Charlie insisted he just talk to him, but Dean couldn't bring himself to.  He wanted Cas as more now, more than sex, though the state of his morning woods and the length of his showers proved that was still a part of it.  He wanted to know Cas, to be in a real relationship with him, and he was honestly scared shitless.

Charlie finally put her foot down, and Dean had to go home, had to deal with seeing too much of Cas, and not enough of Sam.  

He finally sucked up the courage to talk to Cas, especially since he looked like he needed it after his finals ended.  Their conversation flowed easily, much to Dean’s relief and surprise.  When Sam came home, Dean braced himself for a fight, but before either of them could get a word in edgewise, Cas was there, calling them both out on their stupid stubbornness.  It took him and Sam both by surprise, and it was enough to break the tension between them.  Cas left to give them some privacy, and finally,  _ finally _ Dean was talking to Sam, about their dad, about why Sam hated him.  In the end, Sam was willing to consider possibly seeing him, which was better than Dean would have ever expected.

He went to thank Cas, for helping them get their problems sorted out, and when he walked out of Cas’ room, he had somehow been roped into giving Cas a ride to Miami.  Four hours in a car with Cas was both a thrilling idea, and terrifying at the same time.

With Cas sitting next to him wearing aviators and looking way too damn sexy to be legal, Dean decided on terrifying.  

He put on music to try and ease his tension, and when “Simple Man” started playing he couldn't help but relax.  His mother was the  _ only _ thing in his life he had been able to count on, and when his dad had a rough night, she’d pull Dean into her lap and play this song, then hum “Hey Jude” as he fell asleep.  He couldn't not sing along with the song, and when he became aware Cas was watching, a soft smile on his face, Dean would have sung any song in the world just to keep Cas looking at him like that.

Then the most miraculous thing happened.  Cas opened up to him, he just started talking, about his life, his ex, about why he is the way he is, and all Dean could think about was how badly he wanted to just hold him, just wrap him up and tell him  _ I’ll never do that to you, I’ll never leave you. _  Then they were singing along to the radio  _ together _ , and Dean was driving his Baby, and Cas was grinning, and Dean took that moment and buried it deep in his heart, because he never wanted to forget it.

Staying with Cas’ family for the day was oddly domestic, and it made Dean feel slightly weird that he was here as just a friend.  It felt very much like meeting his  _ boyfriend’s _ family for the first time.  Gabe was a little intimidating, but once Cas was gone, his mood calmed and they talked about sports, about work, and watched some TV.  Maybe it was the fact they were both big brothers, but Dean felt comfortable enough with Gabe that what could have been an awkward afternoon turned out okay.  Didn't mean he was any less relieved when Cas finally came back, though the relief chilled almost immediately.  He didn't know what was going on with Cas’ mother, but the tired look in Cas’ eyes couldn't mean anything good.  After a quick dip in the pool, Cas served out the dinner he'd apparently made, and the moment Dean bit into  _ Cas’ _ apple pie he was a goner.  He was convinced Cas was the perfect fit for him.

Cas had been acting a little off since he'd come back from seeing his mother, and when he asked Dean to go back to the pool, Dean didn't hesitate to pull on his half dry trunks and head downstairs.  When Cas climbed in the water, Dean could sense he was building to something, and when he started to talk about his mother, Dean felt his heart go out to Cas.  He was nearly overcome again with the need to just hold him, to tell him it would all be okay.  When Cas showed him the scar, it was all Dean could do to keep his hands to himself.  He wanted to worship that skin with kisses and touches, to show Cas he was still beautiful in Dean’s eyes.

As Cas cried into his shoulder, Dean stood strong for him, only allowing himself a small touch against his neck.   _ God _ , he wanted Cas, wanted to love him, not just physically, but really  _ love _ him.  When Cas collected himself and immediately moved away, Dean didn't know that Cas would ever let him.

Of course he would wake up the next morning in the middle of a not quite innocent dream about Cas with a stubborn morning wood, and of course Cas would notice.  When Cas made his hasty retreat, Dean managed to get himself under control  _ just barely _ by reminding himself Cas’ siblings were downstairs.  Just before they left, Gabe cornered him, giving him the overprotective brother speech about not hurting Cas and Dean had almost laughed.   _ We both know if either of us gets hurt, it'll be me.  He won't give me the chance to hurt him. _

 

_ June _

As far as Dean was concerned summer in Florida was the worst.  Not to mention Cas had decided he needed a job, since his work study didn't extend into his summer classes.  Dean hardly saw him the entire month, catching brief conversations at dinner or before Dean left for work.  Cas was buried in homework most of those times, and they didn’t really get a chance to talk much.  Cas did make a point to come see him sing at least once or twice a week, but it just wasn't enough for Dean.  The kicker was he couldn't complain to anyone without admitting to what he felt for Cas.  

How could he justify saying he missed someone who was just a roommate?  

He did though, he missed seeing him smile, he missed laughing over dinner, he missed the grumpy stares when Dean would interrupt his studying.  When Charlie told Dean she had taken it on as her personal mission to get Cas to go to the Fourth of July party, he barely hid the happiness threatening to escape him.  At least at the party they would have a chance to talk with no distractions.  Dean even fantasized that maybe they could grab some time alone, and imagined situations where he and Cas were tucked in a dark corner somewhere.  Not doing anything untoward, just the two of them  _ alone,  _ so Dean could catch a glimpse of that smile he needed so much.

 

_ July _

It took all of Dean’s willpower to keep calm the morning of the party.  He was already buzzing with excited energy because he was finally going to be spending time with Cas again, and then when he saw him that morning, he felt his heart nearly stop completely.  He was dressed like normal, but the jeans fit just a bit tighter, and the shirt was just a bit unbuttoned, and his hair was just a bit more messy.  Which left Dean just a  _ bit  _ more turned on.  He managed to make it to work and set up the party without killing anyone, a miracle considering how distracted he was.  He watched the parking lot every free moment he had from working, eyes scanning the cars for Sam’s Charger.  He dropped everything he was supposed to be doing the moment they arrived, letting Sam pick on him just to see the amused smile on Cas’ face.  

He had grabbed the sparklers mostly on a whim, simply because he'd put in the effort to hand them out to the waitresses.  When Cas’ entire being lit up with joy, Dean almost cried at how beautiful he looked.  The sparks lit up his eyes, making them shine, and Dean let himself get lost in them, hardly noticing that Cas didn't look away either.

He hadn't planned it, really, but when the jerk nearly knocked Cas over, Dean instinctively wrapped his arms around him, and holy hell if that didn't set a different kind of spark flying.  

He was floating on a bubble of pure happiness, so he should have known it would all come crashing down.  This time it was in the form of Sam telling Cas he’d worked out their lease for while he was gone.

_ While he was gone…  _  He didn't understand what Sam was saying at first, and when it hit him it was like being run over by a truck.

_ Cas was leaving _ .  

Not permanently, but long enough, and far enough to feel that way to Dean.  Cas had never told him, never mentioned he was going, after all this time they’d spent together.  He hadn’t specifically asked, and it wasn’t like Cas was the type to brag about things, but still, he felt like an idiot, like he should have noticed this before.  He was still reeling from the feeling of the rug being pulled out from under him when Cas’ eyes lit up in epiphany, looking at Dean like he was seeing him for the first time, the look on his face shocked, almost apologetic.  Instinctively he knew, Cas had figured him out.  He knew why Dean was freaking out on him.

_ He’s leaving, and now he knows how much I- _

Dean ran.  He ran because it was all he was used to doing, because he couldn't sit there with his brother and his friends and pretend that he wasn't in love with his best friend.

Dean’s muted apology when Cas got home and Cas’ awkward reply were painful on their own.  When Cas called Dean his only true  _ friend _ , he walked back to his room holding a half of his heart in either hand.

Cas threw himself into his work and school, and so did Dean.  He couldn't bear to look at Cas, because he felt like he'd tainted their relationship in some way.  He had screwed it up because that's what Dean did with every good thing he had, he found some way to lose it.  He didn't blame Cas for avoiding him if he was, he deserved it.

 

_ August _

Another call from his dad.  He was doing alright, not any better, but not any worse, wanted to let Dean know he was in Kansas.  Dean started to think about the finality of his dad’s condition, of how even at the end of his life, John and Dean’s mom Mary still claimed to love each other, but still kept their distance.  The thought of how that mirrored his current status with Cas in some ways kept him awake at night.

As Cas’ departure grew closer, Dean finally just couldn't take it anymore.  He needed Cas, needed to see him, to see if he'd really messed things up between them.  He scoured the Internet for something to do that wasn't too romantic, and settled for cheesy.  He put on his bravest face, knocking on Cas’ door and trying not to whimper at his adorable bed head.  He’d started the morning intending to make the day about Cas, cooking breakfast, planning the day.  Within five minutes of talking with him and being around him, a dam broke and Dean was pouring out his fears about his dad, laying them in Cas’ lap without really meaning to.  To Dean’s total relief, Cas listened just as he had before, offering what comfort he could, and for which Dean was immensely grateful.  When Dean broached the topic of the two of them, he wasn't surprised when Cas took the out he gave him, to not talk about what was between them and just  _ be  _ for the day.  In a way, Dean was relieved, because if he heard Cas’ rejection outright, he didn't know if he'd survive.

In spite of all the emotional weight on his shoulders, Dean had a lot of fun in the cheesy tourist trap he’d brought Cas to, and Cas seemed to enjoy himself, too, both of them forgetting their problems for just a while.  Cas smiled again, he is real smile, and Dean let himself give in and smile back.  Of course, the day ended, and they were back to the issue of  _ them _ .  An all too quiet car ride home, a half hearted offer to take Cas to the airport, and it was done.  Their last day together before Cas flew halfway across the world was over, and even an impromptu Star Wars movie night with Sam and Charlie didn't make him feel much better.

He was halfway through his shift at the bar the next day before he broke, kneeling in the storeroom to try and get a hold of himself.  Charlie came looking for him and he gave in, he told her everything, about Cas, about how sure he was he'd lost him.  She insisted Dean just tell Cas what was going on, she was sure he would understand.  She pointed out that the best case scenario was Cas felt the same way.  Dean argued that the worst case scenario was Cas would never speak to him again.

The war raged in Dean’s heart the entire night, all the way through to sitting with Cas at the airport, passing time before he had to go make his flight.

He was overcome with a selfish need to know, a desperation to find out, one way or the other, what they were.  It was childish, and he hated that feeling, but even though he knew Cas was coming home in four months, something about this felt strangely permanent.  He couldn't explain it, why if felt like ‘goodbye’, but he couldn't stop thinking it.

He was prepared for the worst but he'd be damned if he let the first person he'd truly, deeply fallen for walk away.  

Cas tried to stop him, but the words needed to be said.  Throwing all caution to the wind he'd even leaned in and kissed him, so that even if this was the end of their relationship, or their friendship, he'd have known what it was to kiss Cas.

It took his brain a moment to catch up to the fact that Cas was responding, his lips and body moving into Dean’s.

_ Is he kissing me back?! _

Cas tried to leave again but Dean went for another kiss and yes, Cas was kissing him and it didn't matter that it was chaste and vulnerable it was like fireworks going off in Dean’s mind.

The alarm went off on Cas’ phone, and just like that, it was over.  No matter what he would say or do, Cas was leaving.

Images of Cas walking away from him kept Dean up at night.  He went about his daily routine like nothing was wrong, only breaking when he was alone with Charlie.  She tried to reason with him but Dean felt disgusted with himself.  He'd kissed Cas, when there was no way Cas would have wanted it.  He had been so horribly selfish he hadn't even stopped to consider what Cas was feeling, and by the end of the month, Charlie stopped bringing it up.

 

_ September _

Jess was pregnant.  Dean was going to be an uncle.  Sam was going to be a dad.  Holy hell.  He'd given Sam the appropriate amount of grief about it, teasing and taunting him about his use or misuse of contraception.  Sam was happy, ridiculously happy, and Dean couldn't tease him for long, because if Dean was honest, he was feeling pretty damn happy too.

Dean knew Sam was waiting to tell their mom once Jess’ first trimester was done, but they'd had a quiet party at their apartment for their small group.  That little bit of happiness helped carry Dean out of his depression, helped keep him from missing Cas so much.  It was still there, hiding in a ball of regret in a corner of his mind, but the baby news kept it in the corner, only letting it out in Dean’s darkest moments.

He'd debated getting in touch with Cas, but a clean cut was probably best.

On the 18th, he lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, and sang him a silent happy birthday.

 

_ October _

He’s getting way too used to the rockstar vibe.  Benny offered him the lead vocals for his house band, and Dean had accepted mostly as a favor, but people were coming to the bar just to see  _ him _ now, and it was a strange feeling.  Charlie pointed out she had some skill with a piano, if he ever wanted to write his own music.  Once the bug was in his head, it wouldn’t leave.

Dean knew exactly what he wanted to write.  It was just a matter of finding the words to say it the best way.

Blue eyes and angel wings occupied his dreams, and he finally found his muse.

After their Halloween party, he pulled Charlie aside and read her a bit of what he'd worked on, and through her tears she agreed to help him finish it.

 

_ November _

Thanksgiving was Dean’s favorite holiday.  Not just because of the food, though yeah, that part was pretty awesome.  No, it was Dean’s favorite holiday because of the scene in front of him.  He was lounging on Bobby’s armchair, Bobby’s wife Ellen and her daughter Jo from her first marriage giving him grief about something or another.  Sam was there with Jess, lounging on the couch with his long legs hanging over the side, and his mom Mary, working in the kitchen, whacking all of them with a spoon when they came to ‘help’, also known as stealing tastes from the food she was cooking.  Bobby would put on football, and Dean and Jo would get in an argument about the teams playing the game.

Dean loved Thanksgiving because he was with family.  Jess, a fairly new addition, fit right in, getting along famously with Dean’s mom.  In fact, she was the only one allowed in the kitchen until dinner was served.  They all sat around the table and told embarrassing stories about Sam for Jess’ benefit, that somehow turned into stories involving Dean, and devolved into Jo, Sam, and Dean all trying to outdo one another with tales of their childhood craziness until one parent or another heard something new and scolded them like it had just happened yesterday.  Bobby gave Dean a resounding whack to the back of his head after a story involving broken bones and the resounding laugh from the group brought storytime to an end.

That thanksgiving would always stand out in Dean’s mind, for the rest of his life.

He had gone into the kitchen for a beer, and found his mom, preparing a plate of leftovers in a tupperware.  When he asked her about it and she turned to him with barely concealed tears in her eyes, he knew who it was for.

He immediately grabbed his coat and shoes, and when Sam saw the two of them getting ready to leave, he started suiting up too.  Jo took Jess upstairs with promises of baby pictures of Sam and Dean drove the three of them to the long term care hospital their dad was staying in.  Wordlessly they made their way inside, Mary walking with purposeful steps that let Dean know she’d been to visit a few times.  Dean followed close behind her, but when they got to John’s room, Sam hung back in the hallway.  Mary handed John the food, smiling and asking how he was feeling.  He put on a brave face, shaking Dean’s hand.  He looked so much different than the last time Dean had seen him, sunken and tired, half of the strong man Dean had tried to emulate as best he could as a boy.  When John’s eyes focused behind Dean, he stepped out of the way so his dad could see Sam properly.  He made some small comment on how tall Sam had grown before he cracked. 

John Winchester was crying. 

Not hard sobs, but a few tears spilled from the corners of his eyes as he extended his hand to his youngest son.  Dean couldn't remember ever seeing his dad cry before.

The moment Sam’s hand met John’s in a firm shake, Sam’s eyes also wet with emotion, a huge wave of relief passed through Dean, and he wrapped an arm around his mom when he noticed the moisture in her eyes too.

They didn’t stay long after that, John got tired quickly, and it was getting late, so Mary leaned over to kiss his forehead and she and Sam walked out to the car.  Dean lingered, knowing this might have been the last chance he had to really talk to his dad.  He sat there and opened up, about how he’d tried to make him proud, about how he’d been there for Sammy, for Mary.  He opened up about being bi, and about how he’d fallen for Castiel.  Dean left that hospital with a renewed sense of self, standing taller, and feeling better than he had in a long time.  The words his dad said were burned into his mind forever.  

_ I was a shit father, I know I was.  I let my problems come between me and the people who are most important in my life.  When you picked up my job, when I should have been there, I had never been so proud of you, of the size of your heart.  If you love this man, you go after him.  You have a great capacity to love others, Dean, and I know you will be the best father any kid could ask for, and a better husband than I could ever hope to be. _

That night, Dean made up his mind.  He was in love with Castiel, and he wasn’t going to give up.  He would apologize, he would do whatever he could to make Cas see he could still trust Dean.  Then he would tell him, over and over until Cas believed it.  He would tell him how much he wanted him, wanted to hold him when he was upset, wanted to tease him when he was feeling playful, wanted to make him lazy breakfasts, wanted to feel the beat of his heart as he told him those three words he’d never uttered to anyone but his mom.

 

_ December _

After four months, Cas was coming home.  Sam had mentioned he’d be picking him up from the airport a few days after Christmas, but between trying to half move in with Jess and deal with the apartment situation, Sam hadn’t been around much to talk to.  Dean didn’t really mind, it left him time to spend with Charlie, rehearsing and working out the final kinks in his song until it was ready.

He warned the band and Benny about the original song, and he had their blessing to perform it on Thursday before karaoke.  Sam and Jess assured him they’d be there, so he prepped and went out on stage like usual, only this time it was anything but.  As he sang, he was able to just tune everything out, his mind filled with memories of Cas, of the good memories and the hard memories, because there wasn’t a single second of their time together that Dean would change.  He managed to keep from crying, and the way the crowd cheered after he finished helped with that immensely.  He made his way to his brother’s usual table, surprised at the concerned looks on his and Jess’ faces.  When he found out why, he bolted for the green room to grab his jacket and made his way outside.

_ Cas was there, he heard the whole thing. _

He walked outside, tugging his jacket closed against the rain.   _ Just like the night we met, _ he thought to himself.  He walked to the nearest bus stop, and sure enough, Cas was sitting there, getting completely drenched, lost in his head until Dean was standing right next to him.  Their small talk was painful, Dean offering Cas a ride home, and by the time they’d reached the Impala, Dean couldn’t take it anymore.  He apologized for breaking Cas’ trust, preparing himself for the heartbreak when Cas responded.

He wasn’t prepared for Cas' actual answer.

_ I wanted to kiss you. _

Dean hadn’t made it up in his head, he hadn’t imagined what he’d felt in that moment in the airport.  Cas had wanted to kiss him, and if he wanted to do it, that meant that Cas… that he…

A surge of elation swept through him so strong he almost burst out laughing.  Then he was holding Cas’ face, and Cas’ arm was around him, and he pressed his lips against his skin gently and he was  _ ecstatic.   _ On the outside, it wasn’t much, but to Dean those small touches, and the permission to give them, meant the whole world.  He didn’t care how long Cas took to be comfortable, how long until their touches progressed into something more intimate.  It could take weeks or years, and Dean wouldn’t care because it was Cas, and he wanted Cas to be happy, to know he could trust Dean.  In the hallway of their apartment, as he slipped his arms around Cas’ waist, nuzzling into his adorably unruly hair for the first time, he knew he desperately needed to earn that trust back.

And part of earning that trust back was to tell him everything, every little detail about how he was feeling because he trusted Cas, and he wanted to show him, to let Cas know how much he needed him, and needed to be there for him.

Then maybe, just maybe, Cas would let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to Cas' POV next chapter. It was fun to slip into Dean's headspace for a bit, gotta switch my leather jacket for a trench coat now ;)
> 
> LEAVE ME COMMENTS PLEASE!?!?!? I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!


	11. Chapter Eleven- What's In My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very emotional chapter on a lot of levels, guys. Back to Cas' POV. LOTS of dialogue.
> 
> And a tiny bit of that smut ya'll have been waiting for ;)
> 
> Sorry this update took as long as it did, I'll try to do better!!
> 
> YOUR COMMENTS ARE MY LIFEBLOOD THANK YOU GUYS

_ (Cas) _

 

Dean talked, and Cas listened.  

Sometimes Dean’s voice was calm and even.  

Sometimes Cas’ heart shook at the pain and vulnerability he heard in it.  

They had started out with space between them, leaning on the headboard on either side of Dean’s bed.  As Dean talked, they had shifted slightly, gravitating towards each other the way they always had.  It started with Dean turning to face Cas, who in turn shifted to face Dean, till they were each half laying down, less than a foot between them.  When Dean started talking about his dad, Cas tentatively reached out, wrapping his fingers around Dean’s where they rested on the mattress between them.  That gentle hand holding shifted eventually too, Dean lying down on his back completely, Cas leaning over him, still holding Dean’s hand when it moved to rest on his bare chest.

It was a strange experience, to hear Dean talk about how quickly he’d fallen for Cas.  Cas didn’t feel worthy of the adoration Dean was talking about, the way he saw him on the trip to Miami, the way that Dean said all he wanted was for Cas to smile.  But then, he’d done the same hadn’t he?  Against his personality, and way outside his comfort zone, he’d inserted himself into Dean’s life, helping him make up with his brother, helping him see he was more than he was, because he’d felt Dean deserved to be happy, even back then.

A tiny voice in his head, one he hardly listened to and usually tried to ignore completely, was pleased that all the ‘partners’ he thought Dean had been seeing turned out to be nothing for the most part.  That little voice was  _ embarrassingly _ pleased about that, and this once, Cas agreed.

When Dean got to Cas’ time away, neither of them had dry eyes.  The guilt and shame in Dean’s voice from his imagined slight mirroring Cas’ own feelings for how they’d left things in the airport.  Hearing straight from Dean that he never believed his feelings would be reciprocated, he had never truly grasped how low Dean thought of himself till that moment.  He couldn’t see himself as someone another person would willingly love, would choose to be with; he couldn’t see how truly amazing his giving and kind heart really was.  Cas let him talk, not wanting to interrupt, but desperate to just apologize over and over for not  _ showing  _ him just how much he deserves all the same things he want to give others.  

When Dean finally finished his story, ending with last night at the bar, he looked up at Cas and smiled his old smile, his beaming toothy smile with the shine in his eyes, and Cas felt the rest of his worries just melt away.  Dean knew Cas was sorry, and Dean was here with him now, and he wasn’t about to look this gift horse in the mouth.  In spite of the odds, they’d made it to this point, where their lives that had been running closely parallel for so long finally intersected.  

Cas gave Dean a much shorter run down of his time in England, how badly he’d missed him, about Balthazar, and his new nickname.  Dean preened at being called Captain America, and Cas decided to keep to himself for the time being Balt’s insincerity when using it.  He told Dean how much he missed him, how every time he’d go sightseeing, all he could think about was ‘ _ Dean would like it here _ ’.  He finished with the story of Sam’s insistence that he come to the bar and try to make things right with Dean.

“I think Sam might be suspicious,” Cas pointed out.  Dean shrugged.

“Let him be, he can deal.”  Cas had shifted one last time, and was laying down next to Dean on his side.  

“That song, Dean... “  Dean blushed.    
“Yeah, I got a bit over dramatic,” Dean acknowledged with a shy smile.

“No!  It- it was beautiful.  I just… I wish I hadn’t been the reason.  I wish you hadn't felt…”  Dean reached out slowly, brushing the pad of his thumb across Cas’ cheek, wiping away any remaining tears.

“Hey, no more of that,” Dean chuckled, “I’d say we’ve filled our crying quota for the next year.”  Cas smiled, catching Dean’s hand and carding their fingers together.

“You started it,” Cas joked quietly, and Dean’s softer, gentler smile melted what was left of Cas’ heart.  He was a goner for those green eyes, and he’d never be the same man again.

“I guess I did,” he sighed in agreement.  They lay there silently for a while, until Cas spoke up, trying to make sense of his own actions and explain them to Dean at the same time.

“I’m still not sure why I didn’t just say anything to you, about how I’d… before I left.”  Dean rolled over on his side to face Cas, mirroring how Cas was laying, just watching him while he talked.  “I know I was scared, but, I think it was more than that.  I know you would have helped me handle fear if that’s all it was.  I think… I think it was how suddenly things changed.”  He focused on counting Dean’s freckles, giving his mind something to anchor onto as he spoke.  “I think, once I knew you felt the same, my brain suddenly realized how  _ I  _ was feeling.  It was like night and day, something just clicked inside me and I don’t think I was ready for it.”  He felt his cheeks flush, but pressed on.  “One day we were us, best friends, and then one night I, uh, had a wet dream, about you.”  He ignored the smug look on Dean’s face.  “I’d never even had one before, so talk about a surprise.”

“Like ever?!” Dean blurted before snapping his mouth shut.  Cas gave him a small embarrassed smile, continuing on like he hadn’t interrupted.

“It flipped everything upside down all at once.  Who I was, what we were, and it just sort of…”  He felt Dean squeeze his hand tighter.

“So you had a sex panic?  Like a gay panic, but about sex?” he asked gently, in a way Cas knew he wasn’t making fun of him.  Cas shrugged the shoulder he wasn’t laying on.

“Yeah, I suppose so.”  A brief silence fell between them.  

“I still feel like an idiot, for what I did in the airport,” Dean sighed.  Cas brought his focus back to Dean’s face.  “For kissing you.”

“Dean-”

“Hey-” he held up his other hand to cut off Cas’ reply.  “Even if you wanted it, Cas.  Do you honestly think you were ready for it?”  Cas opened his mouth to argue, but no words came out, because Dean was right.  It didn’t matter that he had wanted Dean to kiss him, he had still been reeling from the change in their relationship, the change in himself.  Mentally, he hadn’t been ready, even if his body thought he was.

“I don’t blame you, Dean,” he insisted.  ‘I’m not mad.”

“I know.  I should have asked, though.”  Dean looked down at their joined hands.  “Even knowing you were coming back in a few months, it still felt… I don’t know why but it still felt like forever.”  Dean’s eyes kept dodging his, hiding his fear.  Cas felt another surge of guilt and bit his lip.

“It was kind of supposed to be.”  Dean’s brow furrowed into a frown, his eyes snapping back up to Cas’ as Cas explained.  “I was supposed to go to Miami.  The job I had lined up?  It was at one of my brother’s bakeries, I was supposed to go work for him.”  Dean’s eyes watched him carefully.

“Supposed to?”

“I’m not going to take the job.”  Dean propped himself up on his elbow.

“Cas, what about-”  Cas shook his head.  He’d made up his mind in England, he knew every argument pro or con, and nothing was changing his mind.

“I’ll find something here.  I… I don’t want to leave you.”  Dean’s face softened immediately.  

“Cas, I don’t want you to give up your plans for me.”  Cas smiled, shaking his head at Dean again.   _ Didn’t he get it? _

“I’m not giving them up, I just want to make new ones… _ with _ you.”  Dean blushed, an embarrassed smile spreading across his face.  Cas felt a happy thump in his chest where his heart skipped a beat.  “I’m sorry I took so long.”  His fingers tightened around Dean’s, their strong warmth comforting.  Dean pulled Cas’ hand to his lips, brushing his knuckles gently and briefly, his thumbs tracing small circles on Cas’ skin.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he said gently.  “Nothing, Cas.  Life happens, it gets in the way.  We’re here now, okay?  You and me, we’ll figure this out.”  Cas felt emotion surge in his chest, and knew every word Dean said was true.

“Okay,” Cas said simply.  Dean’s eyes locked on his, a sparkle in the green eyes.

“Can I- Cas, can I kiss you?”  Cas’ stomach flip flopped, an excited flutter running through him.  He nodded slowly, his cheeks flushing.  Dean leaned over and gently pressed his lips against Cas’, warm and gentle, lingering just long enough before pulling away.  Cas let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding, a smile on his face.

“Can we use that as a do over?  I’d rather think of that as our first kiss.”  Dean chuckled, resting his forehead on Cas’.

“Whatever you want, Cas.”  Cas pulled his fingers from Dean’s, running them slowly across his cheek.  He smiled cheekily up at Dean.

“What I want right now is something to eat, if that’s alright?”  Dean laughed, and Cas had never heard anything so beautiful.  Dean rolled over on his back, continuing the rolling movement and climbing out of bed.  Cas watched him walk to his dresser in his boxer briefs, searching in a drawer for sweat pants.  He turned before pulling them on and Cas flushed at being caught staring.

“Let’s go see what’s in the kitchen,” Dean said, winking at Cas.  Cas nodded, climbing out of Dean’s bed and following him out of the room.  

Cas was surprised to realize they'd been in Dean’s bed talking for hours, even though it seemed hardly any time had passed.  He had woken at breakfast time, and now it was time for lunch, the day already half over.  They managed a meager brunch, the last of the eggs, some toast, and leftover rotisserie chicken.  Dean served them the food and Cas sat next to him at the table to eat.  He noticed some of Sam’s dishes missing, as well as his armchair and his movie cabinet.

“So Sam’s moved out already?” he asked.  Dean nodded.  

“For the most part.  Some of his stuff is still in his room, until he and Jess can move into a bigger place.”  Dean’s voice carried a tinge of sadness, so Cas nudged his knee against Dean's.

“You okay?” he asked.  Dean blinked at him a few times before he gave Cas an amused look.

“I forgot you do that,” he sighed.  Cas felt his brow furrow.

“Do what?”

“You always know when something’s wrong, sometimes before I do.”  Dean chewed on his lip for a moment before continuing.  “I hadn’t lived with him in a while, almost five years.  Now, this past year… being around him again- being back to normal again thanks to you, kinda reminded me of what I was missing.  I mean, he and my mom were my whole life growing up, I did everything for them.”  Cas set his fork down, turning his chair to face Dean better, his hand automatically reaching out for him.  Dean mirrored the gesture, sliding their palms together.  The rough feel of Dean’s callouses against his skin sent a happy tingle up his arm, and it was still something he would never get used to.  

“Your brother needs space to build his own family,” Cas said quietly, noting how Dean’s fingers tightened around his, “but that doesn’t mean he’s going to cut you out of it.”  

“I know, it’s just…”  Dean trailed off with a slightly scared look in his eye, and something else Cas was definitely not expecting, something that almost hurt a little bit.

“You want that, too,” he said quietly, noting how Dean tensed up at his accurate guess.  “You want the life that your brother has.”  The implications behind that, about Dean wanting the house and the relationship and the family weren’t missed by Castiel, nor was the fear in Dean’s eyes as they darted to his face and away again.

“I don’t know, Cas.  I gave up on that life before moving here.  I was convinced Lisa was my last shot, and when I left her, I left that part of me behind.  Now I want it back, and I don’t- I don’t know if I-”  His voice choked off and he cleared his throat, but still stopped speaking.   _ We’ve been officially dating for less that 24 hours, and we’re already talking about kids,  _ Cas mused to himself.

“We have time to figure that all out,” he said softly, drawing Dean’s gaze to his with a small tug on his arm.  “I never had much hope for that kind of life either, Dean.  It’s hard to think about the whole white picket fence with the 2.5 kids when you’ve never been truly in love with someone.”  He wasn’t bitter, it was part of who he was and he had accepted it, but from the look on Dean’s face the words still came out that way.

“Cas, that’s not…”  Cas leaned forward to place his other hand on Dean’s too.

“Circumstances have changed,” he pointed out.  “With you, maybe someday…”  He left the rest unsaid, but Dean seemed to understand, and he relaxed considerably.  

“Sam and Jess don't have a whole lot of money, but Sam is adamant about getting a house,” Dean continued, like the whole talk about their future hadn’t happened.  “A specific house, even, a four bedroom, two story thing in Dr. Phillips.  It's a great neighborhood, and a great house, but...I'm just worried about him.  They’re in school still for crying out loud, and then they’re going to add a baby into the mix...”  Cas shrugged, pulling one hand back so he could lean back in his chair, smiling at Dean.

“They still have six months till the baby gets here, I'm sure they'll figure it all out by then.”  A sudden idea hit him, that made him both excited and kind of upset at the same time.  He almost didn’t say anything, but the epiphany must have shown on his face and Dean looked at him curiously.  Cas sighed, unable to back out anymore.  “If you wanted, and it's alright with Sam, you could move with him, give them a bit more income to help out?  I'm done with school now, I can move from this apartment to one a bit further from campus, save some money, downgrade to a one bedroom.”  As he rambled he watched the same conflicting emotions in Dean’s eyes that he was feeling, thankful they were on the same page.

Dean and Cas could continue to live there, together, or Dean could move out to be with Sam.  It hindsight, Cas realized how unfair that choice was for Dean.  Choosing between his family and his best friend- now  _ boyfriend _ .

“You could come with, there’s space.”  Dean’s eyes were shifty, not quite finding Cas’ as he said it.  Cas felt a warm hope take root in him.  It was one thing to live together in their current apartment, it wasn't an intentional move based on their relationship, it had just happened.  The thought of them moving  _ together _ somewhere, that would be a choice.

“Dean-”

“I think it would be awesome, we could use the top floor as our space,” Dean went on, a nervous waiver in his voice, “and when they need a babysitter they've got us two right there, and we could have a big dinner together once a week, and I'll be-”

“Dean!” Cas managed to cut him off, and Dean’s eyes looked up to meet his.  “I would love that,” he said quietly, smiling at him.  Between their talk about the future, plus the agreement to ‘move in’ together, Dean’s face swirled with a myriad of emotions as he slid from his chair onto his knees, landing right next to Cas’ chair and wrapping his arms around him.  It startled Cas slightly, the sudden outpouring of affection in such a desperate hug.  Cas’ right arm was pinned by Dean, but he brought his left arm up and around Dean’s shoulder, resting his chin on the top of his head.  

“Castiel…” Dean gasped into his chest, voice heavy.  Cas was about to answer when the door to the apartment opened, and Sam’s voice could be heard as he walked in.

“Yeah, I'm just picking it up now-”  Cas felt Sam’s eyes on his back, and while he flushed slightly, he didn't move away from Dean, who had tensed under his arms, still buried face first in Cas’ chest.  “Am I interrupting something?” Sam chuckled, and Cas could hear the smile in his voice.  He didn’t seem at all surprised to find Cas and Dean embracing, and Cas wondered just how much Dean must have let on about them, and how much Sam had gleaned from Cas’ own hints and clues.  Dean pulled away from Cas, standing quickly, scrubbing a hand down his face.  Cas started to speak, giving Dean a moment to recover.

“It's alright, Sam.  We were just talking, and it's pretty good timing on your part actually,”  Cas turned to face the younger Winchester, who gave his brother an amused smirk.

“Lemme call you back, baby,” Sam said into the phone, hanging up and walking over towards the table.  “Need to ask for Dean’s hand in marriage?” Sam teased.  Cas suppressed a laugh as Dean began to huff indignantly.

“Ask for my- really Sammy?!”

“You're right, Dean, he should probably ask mom first.”  Cas grinned at Sam as Dean grabbed their dishes and wandered to the sink muttering something about  _ showing respect. _  Sam smiled fondly at Cas.  “So I take it the two of you have sorted things out?”

“We have, yes.” 

“I know my brother, I could see how much he cares for you.”  Sam glanced at Dean’s back where he was washing dishes.  “You were the curveball, until I picked you up at the airport.”

“Were we really that obvious?” Cas sighed with a smile.  Sam shrugged.

“For me, Dean was.”  Cas nodded.  Sam cleared his throat.  “So what were you guys talking about, if it's at least got a PG rating?”  

“Actually it was about your move,” Cas said, and Sam sank into Dean’s vacated chair, his smile fading slightly.  “Dean said you've found a house?”  Sam shrugged.

“Kinda?  I found the house I want, it's just a matter of budgets.”  Sam squinted at Cas oddly, looking between him and his brother. “Why?”  Cas’ eyes followed Dean as he walked back towards the table, getting an affirmative nod from him.

“Well, you're going to have all that empty space, and we were thinking, if it was something you'd be open to, maybe Dean and I could move in with you?  Pay half the rent, or mortgage if you buy?”  Sam looked between his brother and Cas a few more times before saying anything, total shock on his face.

“Guys, that's… I mean, would you really want to?  You're just getting started, don't you want some time alone?”

“It’s two stories, right?  We could take the top floor.”  Dean crossed his arms, his stubbornness rubbing off on his voice.

“You need the space of the house, and you’ll need the help, both with the money and with the baby,” Cas added.  He marveled that even though they'd spent a bare minimum of ten minutes talking about it, it sounded like he and Dean had put serious thought into this.  

Cas reflected, when it came to these brothers and their happiness, it really took no thought at all.

“Guys, we’re going to have a newborn-”

“You don't think the baby might be part of the reason I want to be there?” Dean interrupted, a surprising amount of emotion in his voice.  “You're my little brother, it's my job to take care of you, and if that means changing some diapers so you can go to class and become some hot shot lawyer, then that's what I'm going to do.”  Cas looked down at his hands where they rested on the table as Sam wiped at the corners of his eyes.

“If you really want to change diapers, I'll make sure you change as many as I can get you to, jerk,” Sam said gruffly.  

“Thanks, bitch,” Dean said back, clearing the emotion out of his throat.  Cas just shook his head, the happiness bubble in his chest that had permeated the morning increasing in size.  It was a wonder it hadn’t popped yet.

“I'm going to grab the last of my books.  I'll talk to Jess about the house, call the landlord, we’ll keep you posted,” Sam said as he stood.  Cas stood and immediately Sam wrapped him in a hug, long arms clapping him hard on the back.  “Thank you,” he said quietly, and Cas nodded at him as he pulled away. 

“Of course.”  Sam embraced Dean, who walked him to the door before turning back to Cas.

“I'd say that went well,” Cas said, and Dean shrugged, walking up to him.

“The diapers sold it,” he said with a chuckle.  Cas reached his arms out to Dean and Dean stepped forward, his arms wrapping gently around Cas’ back as Cas leaned his head against Dean’s shoulder, his forehead pressed into Dean’s neck.  “Can’t wait to see Sam attempt to be a dad,” Dean joked, hiding his emotion behind his humor.  Cas let out a content sigh, and felt Dean’s arms squeeze him a bit tighter.

“If you raised him, then I’m sure he’ll do just fine.”  Cas smiled as Dean shifted in his arms.

“Dude, when did we turn into such sappy, hopeless fools?” Dean chuckled into Cas’ hair.

“You always were one, you’re just not afraid to show it anymore,” Cas teased, getting tickled briefly for his trouble.

“It’s all your fault, I was fine being a grumpy loner until I met you,” Dean teased back.  

As beautifully peaceful as it was to stand there in Dean’s arms, feeling comfort radiating through him, a question came to Cas.  He wasn't sure where it came from, or why, but he lifted his head, meeting Dean’s eyes, and asked it before he could change his mind.

“Why me?  Why was it me?”  Dean’s brow furrowed while he pondered Cas’ question, working out his words before answering.

“You made me wait, Cas, you made me take the time.”  Dean pressed his lips briefly against Cas’ forehead.  “You are just so  _ damn  _ sexy.  Usually, when I want someone as bad as I want you, it's straight to sex, and then I leave.”  He raised a hand to cup Cas’ jaw, adoration in his smile.  “No matter how bad I wanted you I couldn't have you, so I waited this time.  And in that waiting, I found something I'd never taken the time to see before.  How to trust someone completely, how to see them inside and out, how to let them trust me, let them see me and all my flaws.”  He pressed a small kiss to the corner of Cas’ mouth, “I wouldn't trade my bond, my friendship, my time with you for anything.”  Cas shivered, a good kind of chill running through him.

“What the hell do I say to that?” he hummed, smiling at Dean.  Dean leaned close, his breath warm against Cas’ lips.

“You don't need to say anything,” he whispered, and moved the rest of the distance to press his lips against Cas’.

Dean pulled away quickly, as always, but Cas leaned in as soon as Dean’s lips left his, for the first time feeling the need for that physical connection.  He couldn't say enough in words to explain to Dean how he was feeling, but by tightening his arm around Dean's neck and taking his lip between his own, he could show him how much he means to Cas.  Dean’s arms found Cas’ waist, holding him close, a strength in his arms that made Cas feel safe.  

Made Cas feel at home.

 

 

It was weird how little daily life changed for Cas when he felt like his whole world had been flipped upside down.  He and Dean didn't keep their relationship a secret, but they didn't make a big announcement about it either.  An unspoken agreement between them kept PDA to a minimum, mostly small touches to a back or an arm, and at the most a brief kiss to a forehead.  Cas just needed some more time to adjust, and Dean was right there with him every step of the way, it was surreal how in tune Dean was with Cas’ emotions.  

They did have one huge PDA moment to sort of seal the deal, in front of a large group of people as a matter of fact, just a few days after they became ‘official’.  Dean was singing on New Year's Eve at Laffite’s, and when midnight rolled around, Dean left the counting down to the rest of the band, hopping off stage to seek out Cas by the bar.  Dean came at him like he had tunnel vision, completely ignoring all the offers from the people he passed by, women and even a couple men trying to jump in front of him for his midnight kiss.  Cas got a satisfied thrill as he pushed past the last of them and up into his personal space, warm lips finding his as the room erupted in shouts of “Happy New Year!!”  The kiss earned them an “about time” speech from Charlie, but the embarrassed flush to Cas’ cheeks felt welcome for once, and Dean’s eyes shined with his secret smile as he walked away to finish his set, the jealous eyes of most of the room focused on Cas’ grin.

Cas’ supervisor at Ralph Lauren let him have his job back, so he wasn't completely broke while he hunted for a better job.  He mostly worked nights, so he would have the days free for any interviews he might get.  It may or may not have to do with Dean also working nights, and getting to spend a few hours with him before they each left for work.  They never seemed to run out of stuff to talk about, from silly conversations about movies to serious talks about their families.  Often they would just sit quietly on the couch, Cas tucked under Dean’s arm or Dean resting his head on Cas’ chest, watching a movie or a show in a comfortable silence.

Dean made Cas dinner the night he asked him if he could invite his family down for his birthday, a week and a half out.  He was nervous, and Cas dragged out the wait before his ‘yes’ as long as he could, earning some mashed potatoes to his face which were promptly kissed away.  The ease and simplicity of the gesture , asking his permission when decisions would affect him, meant so much to Cas.

They planned the weekend out, making a hotel reservation for Bobby and Ellen, and deciding that Dean’s mom would use Dean’s room.  Sam’s bed had been moved to Jess’ apartment, since Sam had a queen and Jess had only owned a full.  Dean’s sleeping arrangements went conveniently unmentioned.  

Cas was slightly nervous about meeting them, but in a good way.  It wasn't the kind of nerves that made him dread their arrival, but had him eagerly looking forward to it.  Dean fussed over cleaning the apartment, making sure he had sheets set aside for his bed, ready to change them the morning his mom arrived.  Cas teased Dean about his fussing, and Dean defiantly kept doing it, only holding back when they had company in the form of Charlie or Sam and Jess.

Cas had been sure it would be his nerves that kept their physical relationship from progressing, but it turned out to be  _ Dean  _ who held back the most.  Nearly every time a chaste kiss evolved into something deeper, or a hand would start roaming over chests and abdomens, at the sound of the first heavy breath or gasp, Dean would stop and pull away.  Cas didn't press, after all he was just starting to get used to this, but his body  _ wanted _ Dean’s plain and simple.  

 

 

It was three days before Dean’s family was due to fly in.  Cas was off work, and when Dean kissed him goodbye, dressed in his tight black jeans and a forest green button up, hands sliding through Cas’ hair fondly, he'd had enough.  After almost an entire month, he was done waiting.

“I'm home,” Dean called when he walked in the door, kicking off his shoes with a satisfied sigh and pulling his jacket off.  Cas walked out from his bedroom, wearing nothing but sweat pants, and he made sure they were hanging dangerously low on his hips.  He noticed the hungry look in Dean’s eye when he took in Cas’ half dressed state, before he was able to hide it.  Cas walked up and kissed him on the cheek, pleased with himself.

“Missed you,” he hummed honestly.  Dean wrapped him up in a hug, a hand running over his bare back.

“It's 2am, you didn't have to wait up for me,” Dean said softly, fingers tracing the curve of his spine.  Cas pulled back to smile coyly up at Dean.

“I wanted to,” he said quietly, leaning in to kiss him.  As Dean melted into the kiss, Cas licked along his lips, asking for entry.  Dean let him in, and Cas hummed happily.  He would never get enough of Dean like this, never get enough languid kisses and gentle touches.  But this time, when Dean moved to pull away, Cas’ hand ran up the back of his neck, holding him in place as he took Dean’s lip between his teeth.  Dean made a muffled surprised sound as Cas’ hand ran under the hem of his shirt, skating over his left hip and lower back.  Dean’s fingers squeezed into Cas’ shoulder blades, and Cas finally released him.

“Holy hell,” Dean gasped against Cas’ lips.  “Cas, are you-”

“Stop babying me,” Cas said firmly.  “I’ll understand if you need some time, but Dean,” he slid his hand further up Dean’s shirt for emphasis, ghosting along the bottom of Dean’s pectoral, “I'm ready for this.”  He dropped his voice, felt it rumble in his chest, and Dean’s eyes snapped to his, pupils darkening almost instantly.

“You sure?” he breathed, a small hitch in his voice.  Cas smirked, brushing a thumb over Dean’s nipple, rewarded with a gasp, and Dean’s hands tightened their grip on his arms.

“I've been sure for a while you tease,” Cas breathed against his neck, grinning when a small shudder went through Dean.  Dean’s right hand ran up into Cas’ hair, angling his head to capture his lips.  Cas felt a surge of adrenaline, Dean moving them slowly back towards the bedrooms.   _ This is happening, oh God this is happening. _  Dean leaned on the wall in the hallway, pulling on Cas so he had to lean over him.

“Which room?” he asked with a small laugh.  Cas dipped his head to kiss at Dean’s neck, the salty taste of his skin and cologne dancing along his tongue.

“My bed is technically bigger,” he pointed out, looking up at Dean through his lashes.  Dean huffed a small laugh.

“That settles it then,” Dean winked cheekily.  Cas nipped at Dean’s neck one last time before turning and walking to his bedroom, Dean close behind, grabbing hold of Cas and wrapping his arms around his waist just before they reached the bed.  Cas giggled as Dean held onto him possessively, burying his nose into the back of his neck.

“Dean,” Cas sighed, the feeling of Dean’s body pressed flush against him, shoulder to toe comforting and exciting at the same time.  He made a mental note that Dean got clingy before sex.  Not that he minded the selfish need that seemed to have come over him, that made Dean's hands need to hold Cas that much tighter.  He had so little experience with this that just knowing Dean wanted him at all made his skin tingle.

“You have no idea,” Dean breathed raggedly into his shoulder, his lips caressing his tattoo from wingtip to wingtip, mapping his entire shoulder blade, “no idea how beautiful you are angel.”  

_ Angel. _

Cas felt an anxious chill run down his spine, his breath catching in his throat not in a good way.  He forced himself to relax, Dean meant for it to be endearing, he knew that, and pushed away the memories that word stirred in him.  He clung to Dean’s arms where they rested on his stomach, letting them anchor him in Dean’s touch, in his safety.  

“You alright?  I've lost you,” Dean said gently.

“It's nothing,” Cas insisted, halfway to believing it,  _ wanting  _ to believe it.  

“It's not nothing,” Dean sighed, hooking his chin over Cas’ shoulder and swaying slightly.  “Talk to me beautiful.”  Cas leaned his head back on Dean’s shoulder, taking a deep breath and letting his eyes close, sifting through his emotions.  He and his siblings had chosen the angel wing tattoos for this very reason, as a way of defying the baggage of their past, specifically Cas’ past.  He let his mind drift to the night in Gabe’s pool under the waterfall, and like then he let the anxiety wash off his shoulders, letting himself relax in the comfort of Dean’s arms.   _ Not just an angel,  _ he mused to himself,  _ Dean’s angel.   _ Putting that name before the word made all the difference.

“Oh,  _ shit _ , Cas, I'm sorry,” Dean said suddenly, figuring out on his own what probably triggered Cas’ unease.  His shoulders slumped and he pulled Cas tighter.  “I didn't think-”

“I'm alright,” Cas said gently, cutting off Dean’s apology, holding tighter to Dean’s arms when he went to pull away, but turning in those arms to face him.  

“Cas, I'm sorry.”  Dean was watching him closely, concern washing off of him, and Cas ran a hand over his cheek.  

“Remember the night we met?” Cas asked.  Dean nodded, leaning into his touch slightly.  “Tell me,” Cas asked quietly.  

“What does that-”

“Just tell me,” Cas soothed.  Dean found whatever in Cas’ eyes he needed to reassure him, relaxing and nodding.

“Okay.”  He dropped to sit on the edge of the bed, his arms slipping down Cas’ back, resting around his hips as he looked up at him.  “I was hoping for directions to Sam’s, and I spotted this sexy nerd hiding from the rain.  I decided that I wanted to have him.”  Cas smiled through his blush, Dean’s easy humor letting him know Dean was okay.  He ran his hands loosely around Dean’s shoulders, gently massaging the back of his neck.

“What then?” he urged.

“This hot as fuck nerd?  Wanted nothing to do with me of course.  Used all my best moves on him, even gave him my jacket.  Nada.”  He winked up at Cas, and Cas ran his right hand through Dean’s hair.

“You gave me your jacket,” his voice was barely a whisper.  “You didn't know me, and you started taking care of me.”  Dean’s cheeks flushed, and he dropped his chin to rest against Cas’ stomach.  “I had been so independent, so strong for so long, it was… I think it was what I needed.”  Dean swallowed hard, his eyes shining.

“You didn't make it easy,” he pointed out with a smirk.  Cas shook his head.

“No, I didn't.  But you're still here.”

“Always,” Dean said without hesitation.  Cas’ heart thumped hard in his chest.  His entire being was filled with a happy calming pulse; Dean was here, Dean was home, Dean was safety.

“Say it again,” Cas said quietly.  

“What, always?” Dean asked.  Cas shook his head, and Dean’s smile faded slightly.  “Cas-”

“Say it,” he said again.  Dean took a breath, making sure he captured Cas’ eyes.

“My beautiful angel,” Dean hummed.  Cas’ heart broke free, flying high as Cas smiled, leaning down to catch Dean’s lips in a hard kiss.   _ Dean _ ’s, he was Dean’s, and he wanted to be in every way.  He nudged forward with his body, trying to urge Dean farther back on the bed, but was stopped by warm hands on his hips.  “Cas, are you sure you're still up for this?” Dean asked.  In response, Cas pulled his drawstring undone, letting his pants slip from his waist to the floor.

He had specifically gone commando.  

“ _ Shit,” _ Dean gasped out, sounding like he'd just been punched in the gut.  He pulled Cas close and kissed a stripe up his stomach.  “Okay, Cas, but we’re going to do this how I want, okay?”  Cas nodded, watching in growing anticipation as Dean pulled his shirt off and undid his pants, pulling them and his boxer briefs off as he scooted towards the head of the bed.  Cas might have let out a little whine at the sight Dean made, spread across his bed, naked as the day he was born, cheeks and chest flush.  Not to mention the hardening length between his legs.  

“Dean, you're so-  _ fuck _ ,” he sighed, shivering as he felt Dean’s eyes travel over his body.  Dean’s gaze slowly slid up to meet his again, and he gave him  _ the  _ smirk, the patented ‘I'm- going-to-give-you-the-best-night-of-your-life’ smirk, and Cas finally understood  _ why  _ it worked on everything with a pulse.  Arousal pulsed through him hard, a small whimper escaping him as his erection twitched in response.

“C’mere,” Dean purred, propping himself up with Cas’ pillows and beckoning for Cas to crawl to him.  He did, and Dean allowed him one brief but hot kiss before gently manhandling him into sitting between his thighs, back pressed against Dean’s chest, hips against his hardness.

“Dean, wha-”

“Shh, trust me, angel,” he purred again in Cas’ ear, and he went limp as Dean’s hands moved across his chest.  Just that thought, that amazing thought that Dean was touching him, finally crossing that last bridge between them, made Cas shake with need.  Dean had Cas framed by his legs, gently rubbing his shoulders and back, his lips trailing along after his fingers.  “So sexy,” he sighed, his hands moving around to rub down his chest again gently.  “Gonna make you feel good, angel.”  His voice was husky and it was doing all sorts of things to Cas.  His breath was coming fast and hard, he could feel a light sweat breaking out along his skin, and he felt almost too warm and yet not warm enough.  He was harder than he'd ever been before, and he couldn't imagine what he'd be like when they  _ actually- _

A moan escaped him as Dean sucked a small mark against the top of his spine, rolling his own hardness gently against Cas.  Cas’ thoughts stumbled, his brain just barely able to focus on the feel of Dean’s body against his, and Dean hadn't even moved his hands past Cas’ waist yet.  He was acutely aware of Dean’s arousal now, pressed firmly against him from behind.

“Mmm, Dean,” he sighed.  His hands, his lips, everything was infinitely more than he’d ever imagined it would be. It wasn't fiery passion, but it was just as arousing.  Cas knew Dean was easing him into this, and to be honest, he knew this was just as much for Dean’s sake as well.  Even these little touches were magnified and intense, both of them panting with need.  Dean's hands finally dipped to his hips, tracing the curve of the bone softly, running down the line to softly caress his inner thighs.

“Oh, angel, what I'm going to do to you someday,” he growled, “all the things I'm going to show you.  I can't wait to hear you calling my name.”  Cas squirmed, Dean’s hands dipping farther down his inner thigh, and he spread his legs instinctively.  Dean groaned, shuddering and rolling his hips again, his hardness sliding along Cas’ lower back, leaving a small trail of pre come behind.

“ _ Please,” _ Cas gasped out.  

“Anything for you, angel,” Dean purred, his breath hot against Cas’ ear, and his right hand wrapped gently around him, a few gentle pulls relieving some of the pressure, and sending shocks through his system.  He moaned brokenly, and he felt Dean’s gasp against his neck, his hardness twitch against his back.  “ _ Fuck, _ do you know what it does to me when you sound like that?!”  Dean rolled his hips again for emphasis, and Cas moaned again at the need in Dean’s voice.  Dean released him, bringing his hand up behind Cas and he turned to see Dean licking his palm, wetting it and Cas’ mouth went dry.

“ _ Shit, _ ” he gasped, rolling back into Dean’s lap and Dean grunted, wrapping his newly slicked palm around Cas and setting a steady rhythm.  His hips rocked behind Cas, finding friction in the proximity of Cas’ back and his own stomach, and when he was able Cas would roll back into him, encouraging the stuttered movements of Dean’s own hips.  Cas was getting close, writhing in Dean’s arms as his talented hand slid along his length.  He was lost in Dean’s touch, conscious thought slipping away as he felt the edge rapidly approaching.

All from a simple handjob.

_ Fuck. _

“Almost there, angel,” Dean panted into his ear.  Cas’ breaths were coming alarmingly fast, his heart pounding against his sternum.  Dean wrapped his other arm around Cas’ chest to anchor him, holding him close and whispering “I've got you, I've got you,” over and over in his ear.  A drawn out cry of Dean’s name escaped him as his orgasm punched through him, his release spilling over Dean’s hand as he worked him through it.  Dean’s arm tightened against him suddenly.  “ _ Castiel,” _ he moaned, sending a jolt through Cas’ whole body, and Cas felt a dampness against his back where Dean’s release was spent.

“You don't use my full name enough,” Cas panted after a few moments, still trying to get his breath back.  Dean responded by trailing some more kisses over the back of his neck.

“I'll keep that in mind for next time,  _ Castiel _ .”  Cas grinned and curled up, his face nuzzled into Dean, Dean’s arms and legs wrapping around him tightly, like a barrier to hold their happiness in and keep the world out.  Dean huffed a tired laugh against Cas’ skin.

“That was… I don't know that I've ever experienced anything that intense before,” Cas said quietly, pressing a kiss against Dean’s neck, feeling his strong pulse still beating under the skin.

“Haven't come that fast in a long time.”  Dean agreed.  “See what you do to me?” he hummed.  Cas chuckled quietly, trying to tuck tighter against Dean’s chest.  This afterglow, this was  _ bliss _ , he'd never felt so content or happy in his life.

“Dean?” Cas mumbled, trying not to doze off while he was all sticky.

“Hmm?”

“You know I love you, right?”  Dean buried his face in Cas’ hair, kissing the top of his head and breathing deep.

“Yeah.  And I love you.”  Cas giggled, honest to God giggled and he couldn't have cared less.

“God, we’re such saps,” he hummed, tilting his head to smile up at Dean.  Dean shrugged, kissing his forehead and extracting himself from Cas, making Cas huff in annoyance at his absence, to grab his shirt to wipe them up.

“Just don't tell Sammy.  He finds out I pledged my undying devotion to you while wiping spunk off your back he'd never let me hear the end of it.”  Cas barked a laugh as Dean finished cleaning them and tossed the shirt blindly off the side of the bed.

“That's because he'd be traumatized,” Cas teased.  Dean smiled, wrapping his arms around Cas again and pulling him as he laid them down in bed, Cas again tucking as tight against Dean as possible.

“I think I'm adorable,” he muttered, words slurring with sleep.  Cas kissed his chest.

“Keep telling yourself that,” he yawned, blissfully dropping off to sleep as soon as he finished saying the last word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who might be a bit concerned with Cas and Dean progressing "quickly" through the relationship phase... I'll get there. I'm building in layers I didn't realize I wanted in this story, bear with me XD Thanks for reading, and HOPEFULLY I'll get Ch 12 up a bit faster!  
> \--Edited note as of 2/28/16  
> I should know better than to promise fast updates T-T  
> I'm working through Ch 12 now, it's turned out a bit longer than expected, and thus is taking a bit longer to edit. Within the next couple days should have everything up and ready!!


	12. Chapter Twelve- A Mother's Smile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I say I'm going to update soon.... apparently I lie. T-T
> 
> The direction this fic was going in took an entire 180* turn on me, I had to write ahead some to make sure everything stayed on track and matched up, and my Beta is working MAJOR overtime.
> 
> Anyways, here you go, guys, Dean's birthday!!

 

They didn't talk about it, didn't say it out loud, but after that first night, when they'd fallen asleep in each other’s arms, they spent the next two days before work moving most of Dean’s things into Cas’ room.  Cas’ closet had never been anywhere near full so there was room for Dean’s clothes, and there was space next to his dresser for Dean’s dresser to slide in.  The rest of his furniture, the bed and the side tables, were left in his room, his things moved into one of Cas’ bedside tables.  His knick knacks Cas had noticed before were relocated, artfully arranged on top of his dresser with precise care, and Cas made a note to ask Dean about them and the stories behind them.  They both got the three days off while Dean’s family would be there, the tourist flow at Cas’ job had tapered off and Benny it seemed couldn’t say no to Dean when he asked for a favor.

 

On the day Dean’s family was due to fly in, Cas was standing in front of Dean’s dresser, examining the little bits and pieces carefully as he waited on his boyfriend to finish getting ready.   _ Boyfriend. _  It was a word Cas was still getting used to, but he liked the way it felt bouncing around in his head.  

“We’ve got to get going, their plane’s due to land soon,” Dean said, walking out of Cas’ bathroom freshly showered, a towel wrapped around his waist and hair spiked and wet.  Cas glanced down at himself, fully dressed and ready to go.

“I'll get right on that,” he muttered with a smirk.  He was picking up on some of Dean’s sarcasm, and found he liked his sassy side a bit more than he thought he would.  

“It's your fault,” Dean grumbled, reaching around him from behind to open his drawer and grab a pair of underwear.

“I fail to see how your tardiness is my fault,” he scoffed, jumping away with a yelp when Dean pressed his damp hair into Cas’ neck.

“You refused to stop cuddling this morning, then snuck into the bathroom and showered while I was cleaning your mess in the kitchen.  Bastard.”  

“ _ I  _ wouldn't stop cuddling?!” Cas gasped, and Dean flushed red.

“I don't cuddle, so I don't know what you're talking about,” he muttered, undoing his towel and pulling on his boxers.  Cas grinned, walking over to him and smacking his ass playfully.

“Uh huh, whatever you say, Dean.”  He let out an undignified squeak when Dean suddenly rammed into him, dropping them both on the bed, and capturing his lips to kiss Cas breathless.  Whatever attempt had been made to get his hair to lie flat was promptly ruined by Dean’s fingers, and when Dean smirked at him as he pulled away, Cas huffed at him, a frown fixed on his face.  “That’s playing dirty.”  He refused to smile back at Dean’s smirk, so Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Oh, fine, spoil sport,” Dean leaned back, letting Cas up and moving to the closet to finish getting dressed.  Cas took the two seconds of brief privacy to adjust his jeans, a bit tighter now than was appropriate, running his fingers through his hair to repair the damage Dean had done.  He entertained a brief fantasy of following Dean into the closet to continue that kiss, maybe progress into something more, but Dean was right, they were on a schedule.  They hadn't done anything else sexual since that first handjob, and Cas had a feeling nothing else would happen unless  _ he  _ made it happen.  As ‘alpha’ as Dean was, Cas was starting to get the impression he was the one who would have to be in charge of their sex life.

He may or may not have let that thought go to his head, or to his masculine ego.

Dean wandered out of the closet, wearing jeans, a red plaid button up hanging open over his chest, still barefoot, and Cas sighed, his fantasy picking back up in his head.

“You know, that's almost sexier than you being naked,” he commented airily.  Dean winked, fingers nimbly fastening buttons as he paused to give Cas a chaste kiss on the cheek before grabbing socks.

“Too bad we’ve got to head to the airport.”  Cas followed Dean out into the living room, pulling on his trench coat as Dean laced up his boots, pulling a canvas jacket over top.  “Got everything?” he asked, turning back to Cas.  He stepped up to Dean, and Dean wrapped an arm around his neck, dragging him in close and pressing his lips to his temple, a seriousness to the gesture that overruled the silly mood of the morning.  “You sure you're ready for this?” he whispered quietly into Cas’ hair.  Cas nodded, meeting Dean’s eyes so he could see Cas’ confidence.

“I'm ready.”  There was no doubt in his words, and Dean smiled gently, pressing his forehead against Cas’ briefly before pulling away.  He cleared his throat and set his shoulders.

“Let's do this,” he said strongly.  They made their way to the Impala, Cas sliding into the front seat next to Dean as he started the car and got them moving.

The drive was quiet.  Cas knew there was some social pressure involved with him meeting Dean’s mom, and he should be more nervous than he was, but he was strangely calm.  Dean said he was open about his sexuality with his family, after the showdown with his father as a kid, so that wasn't the issue it could have been.  From what Sam and Dean had said about Mary Winchester, about how kind and open she was, he had nothing to worry about.  In fact, the only part about this trip Cas was worried about was how Dean was going to handle it.  He’d gotten so used to reading Dean’s emotions like a book, he could easily see the nerves and false bravado in his face.  Dean had been able to play it off to others as birthday excitement, but Cas knew different, and from the amused looks on Sam’s face when he’d visit, Sam saw the same thing Cas did.  Dean was desperate for his family to accept Cas, and Cas tried not to think of the implications of that desperation.  If Dean was really that worried, Cas meant a lot more to Dean than even he realized.

He grabbed Dean’s hand where it rested on his thigh, squeezing tightly, watching the smallest of smiles grace Dean’s face.  Cas wanted to tell him he understood, tell Dean he knew how much this meant to him, but he wasn’t able to find the words, so he just held tight, sliding his fingers through Dean’s and watched the city roll by.  As they got closer to the airport, Dean’s whole body started to tense as he slipped back into what Cas referred to in his head as the “alpha male” skin, the over confident Dean he had been when they'd first met.  As Dean parked in short term parking, Cas leaned over, grabbing Dean’s eyes with his own and drawing him into a brief kiss.  Dean’s brow furrowed slightly in confusion.

“I'm here,” he said simply, and Dean’s forehead relaxed as he nodded, squeezing his hand one last time before letting go and climbing out of the car.  Cas walked a step behind Dean as they made their way to the same waiting area where they’d shared their first kiss, and Cas eyed the bench warily.  It had been almost six months now since that day, though it hardly felt like it.  Cas had come so far, accepted so much more about himself, about the direction his life had taken.  The Castiel that had gotten on that airplane was heartbroken and convinced he’d lost his last ever chance at knowing what real love was.  After Dean, there would have been no one else, he knew he’d never feel that way again.   _ I’ll wait for you,  _ Dean had called for all and sundry to hear, and he’d kept his word.  He  _ always _ kept his word when it came to Cas, and there was nothing more he could ask than that.  He watched Dean pace slowly while they waited, examining every nuance of his movement, the look in his eyes.  It was a shame Cas had wasted most of their first six months together totally unaware of how utterly gorgeous Dean was, his physical presence magnetic in its radiance.  He caught Cas staring, but simply turned a little pink, smiling at him before resuming his pacing.  

He hadn’t ever planned on falling in love with Dean, hadn’t thought it possible when he first met him.  Now, it was all he could think about, that he had a chance in life to know real love, to be loved in return, deeply and wholly _. _  It was slightly overwhelming.

Cas’ musings were cut short when Dean called out excitedly to his family as they came into view.  Cas watched them walk towards security, Dean’s face lighting up in excitement, and finally Cas started getting nervous.  He may have become more relaxed around Sam, Jess, and Charlie, but he knew them; Dean’s mom and his adopted Aunt and Uncle were strangers.  Cas felt some of his old walls come crashing down into place, his protective bubble he used to keep himself cut off, and he wasn’t happy about it, but he couldn’t seem to stop it either.

“Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes!” Dean called as they finally walked past the checkpoint, wrapping the blonde woman tightly in a hug.  Cas saw such kindness in her face, saw the same eyes as Dean, and he knew instinctively she must be Mary.

“Let your poor mother breathe ya idjit, and help an old man with these bags,” Bobby called.  He had a full salt and pepper beard, and a gruff exterior, all three carry ons tucked under his arms, but Cas could see how pleased he was to see Dean.  Dean released his mother, and instead of helping Bobby, wrapped him up in a bear hug too.

“Stop your whining you aren't that old.”  That must be Ellen, some wrinkles showing her age under a full head of auburn hair, that was promptly fluffed as Dean wrapped an arm around her.

“Let him complain, it's what he does,” Dean laughed, taking his mom and Ellen’s carry on bags from Bobby.  Cas had hung back, not wanting to intrude on the family greeting.  Dean caught his gaze and he stepped closer, throwing the strap of the smaller bag over his shoulder and gesturing openly at Cas, a smile on his face.

“Mom, Bobby, Ellen, this is Castiel,” Dean introduced them, a little bit of his nerves showing through.  Cas offered his hand, Bobby the first one reaching out to grab hold.

“Castiel, huh,” he said, and Cas couldn't seem to tell if it was a good or bad ‘huh’.

“Pleased to meet you,” Cas managed to say evenly, his nerves buried under his shell.

“Perfect roommate Castiel, it's good to finally meet you!” Ellen said, wrapping him up in a tight hug.  Cas froze slightly, his arms stuck at his sides until she released him.

“Perfect roommate?” Dean asked, obviously confused.  Ellen nodded, winking at Cas as she turned to Dean.

“Yeah, Sammy couldn't stop going on about this guy when he got to school this past year,” she explained, playfully shoving her husband towards the baggage claim.  “He’d heard all these horror stories about roommates, and since he didn’t have one last year he was sure he’d get stuck with some dumbass.  And apparently good for both of you he got set up with Cas, here.  Not many sane people would take in a drifter like you”  Dean blushed and rubbed the back of his neck, and Cas’ shell started to crack somewhat.  On Ellen’s way by she grabbed Dean’s hand and dragged him along behind her, Dean sputtering about his hand being held like a little kid’s.  Cas hadn’t really seen this side of Dean before, this respectful yet playful, happy Dean.  Yeah, Sam was technically his family, but this was different.  The utter devotion in his eyes when he looked at his mother wasn’t surprising, knowing Dean as well as he did, but it was something beautiful to behold.  Mary walked up to Cas, placing a soft hand on his arm, startling him into moving away from the touch.

“Thanks for taking Sam in last year.  He was worried about finding a roommate more than his classes, to be honest.”  Her smile immediately soothed Cas’ nerves, a very strange sensation.

“I was worried about having a new roommate after three years,” Cas admitted with a little bit of a smile, turning and walking with her after the others.  “It's rare for me to find people I can get along with as well as I have with Sam.  Then Dean moved in and surprised me even more.”  She nodded, looking forward at Dean’s back, as he was jostled fondly by Ellen.

“I wish I could take all the credit,” she said simply.  Cas knew she was referring to how Dean raised his brother, but she didn't say it outright.  “So why was Dean so nervous?” she asked knowingly, and Cas felt the tips of his ears turn pink.  Her hand looped through his elbow, and he bent his arm to escort her, not pulling away this time.  From her tone of voice, she already knew what was going on with her son, and Cas felt no need to try and hide it.  

“Because he’s Dean,” Cas said simply, “and he’ll always worry about the opinions of others.  Like what you think of me.”  Mary smiled up at him, a twinkle in her eye.

“How long?” she asked.  Cas chuckled.

“Officially?  Just a few weeks.  How long have we known?”  His gaze wandered to Dean’s back again, watching him laugh hard and loud, head thrown back and mouth open wide.  “Long enough.”

“Took him a while?”

“Took us both a while.  I was stubborn and afraid, and Dean… He was too worried about me to worry about his own feelings.”

“Would you want him any other way?” she asked quietly.  Cas watched Dean wincing as Bobby smacked the back of his head for some reason, looking like a kid being chastised, and his heart swelled.

“No,” Cas admitted.  When the two of them finally rejoined the other group, Dean glanced between his mom and Cas suspiciously.  Cas simply shrugged, letting himself smile, and Dean smiled back, finally relaxing when he realized what they must have talked about.

 

Sam and Jess met them at the hotel Bobby and Ellen were staying at, and in the commotion of their greetings and hellos, Cas pulled Dean aside for a brief moment of privacy.

“Your mom knew,” he said simply.  Dean smiled and shook his head.

“Figures.”  Cas watched Sam embrace his mom, Jess lingering off to the side until he straightened.  Lately Jess’ hand had nearly always been resting on her belly, and the fact that her arms were pointedly down at her sides caught Cas’ interest.

“Does your mom know about the baby yet?” he asked.  Dean shook his head.

“Dude, stop reading people’s minds.  And no, she wasn't out of her first trimester over the holiday, they didn't want to say anything.  From what I understand Jess has a family history of risky pregnancies.”  Cas watched Jess and Mary talk, her large sweater covering the tiny baby bump Cas had seen the other day.

“She's going to find out,” Cas pointed out.

“What are you two whispering about,” Bobby called, and Dean gently nudged Cas’ elbow, drawing them back into the group.  “We need to decide what to do for food.”

“I had a place in mind,” Sam said quickly.  “I found it on accident when we were out and about, but it's good food.”  

“What kind of food?” Ellen asked.

“It's called Toojay’s,” Sam said, and Cas nodded in recognition while Sam went on for everyone else's benefit, “it's a classic deli, great sandwiches.”  Ellen shrugged.

“I'm game,” she said, clapping her husband on the arm.  “Sound good to you?”

“Alright,” Bobby nodded in agreement.  “Mary, you ride with Dean, we’ll go with Sam,” Bobby said, and the group made their way out of the hotel to the parking lot.

“You know where this place is?” Dean asked Cas.  Cas turned to Sam, tapping his shoulder before he turned for his car.

“The one on Sand Lake?” he asked.  Sam nodded, and Cas smiled knowingly, pulling a blush from the younger Winchester.  “Yeah, I know where it is,” he said to Dean.  “It's over by Dr. Phillips.”  The importance of that wasn't lost on Dean, but they both managed to keep their faces neutral.  If they were headed to Dr. Phillips, there was a good chance Sam was going to tell everyone about the house… which also meant he’d be telling them about Jess.  As they started the drive south, Cas in the backseat giving Dean directions, Mary turned in the front seat slightly to face her eldest son.

“We're you going to tell me about Castiel, here?  Or was I supposed to figure it out on my own?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at Dean.  Dean’s ears turned pink and he shifted awkwardly under her stare.

“It’s been less than a month!  There wasn’t really much to tell,” he said indignantly.

“Then why did I hear about this from your father?”  Dean’s mouth opened and closed a few times before words accompanied the movement.  Cas felt his own blush start, turning his gaze pointedly out the window.

“I, uh, I kinda forgot I mentioned him to dad.  Not that we were dating, because we weren’t  then, he was in England.  Just that I… I was working on it, okay?”  Her gaze shifted to Cas.

“Well, at least he's cute,” she said with a wink.  Dean’s blush deepened.

“Yeah, thanks mom for  _ that _ seal of approval.”

“What?  Depending on if or when you guys give me grandkids, at least his half of the DNA will go towards making a cute baby.”  Cas covered his face to hide his laugh as Dean sputtered in the front seat.  He decided to let down his guard a bit with Mary, mostly because of the look on Dean’s face.

“Really?!  You made me, and you're saying I'm the ugly one??  That's a real morale booster.”  Cas was laughing, helpless to stop even as Dean glared at him in the rear view mirror.

“I've always liked blue eyes,” she shrugged.

“And how did we jump to having babies?!” Dean continued, his voice becoming slightly panicked.  When she smirked at Cas, proving she was just teasing Dean, he felt an odd emotion bubble up through him that he'd never really felt before.  It was similar to the love he bore his siblings, but something a bit  _ more _ .  Something deeper in his heart that he'd never truly examined up until that tiny moment in the Impala.  Mary was everything Dean said she'd be, and yet nothing like Cas expected her to be.  

Cas figured it out, what that odd feeling was and his laugh faded away, the realization hitting him abruptly.  An unexpected longing crept up his spine, tinged with a bit of guilt and jealousy.  He pushed it away, they were all about to eat lunch together, he would sort it all out later.  Luckily for Cas, Dean was too flustered to notice his drop in his mood, and they pulled into the parking lot for Toojay's soon after, the promise of something to eat and being surrounded by family distracting Dean long enough for Cas to get himself out from under the shadow.

Lunch was filled with comfortable small talk, Bobby and Ellen talking about life at home, names and places being mentioned that went well over Cas’ head, but that Sam and Dean seemed to know very well.  Dean's family spent some time talking to Cas about his degree, his trip to England, small getting to know you questions.  He was surprised at how welcoming they were, accepting him into their fold almost instantly.  In his background, both as a child in the system and as an adult, acceptance like this took time, if it was ever received at all.  Yet here with this family, it came so easy.  At one point, Dean stole a french fry off of Cas’ plate, and when he went to argue, Dean snuck a kiss against his cheek to silence him.  Ellen, whom Cas had been talking to, didn't even bat an eye except to scold Dean for interrupting.  Cas basked in the warmth of Dean’s leg pressed against his under the table.

As their plates were cleared away, Sam and Jess started having a silent conversation, and Cas nudged Dean, nodding to them when he looked up.  

“Here it comes,” he breathed, and Dean winked, turning his attention to his brother.

“So, I uh… I've got some news,” Sam started nervously, running a hand through his hair.  The table grew quiet, and Sam forced out a deep sigh.  “Jess and I, well… we uh…”

“Spit it out, Sam,” Ellen laughed.  Sam flushed a bright pink and Jess swooped in for the rescue, grabbing hold of Sam’s hand and turning to the expectant table.

“I'm pregnant.”  There was a brief silence at the table, then Mary was on her feet, walking over to Jess and hugging her tightly.

“That's great news and all, but you're still an idjit,” Bobby grunted, leaning over to smack Sam in the head fondly.  “You got a plan, boy?”

“We do, we’ve got a plan!” Sam rushed into saying, “And Dean and Cas are going to help!  I know it's unexpected and not the best timing, but we’ve got this.”  Sam squeezed Jess’ hand, kissing her knuckles.  “We got this,” he said softer, and Jess’ cheeks turned a pretty rose pink, an immeasurably beautiful smile on her face. Cas wondered if that was what he looked like when he looked at Dean.  

“Well, if you're brother is helping you, don't know what that says about your plan,” Ellen teased.

“Hey, why is it me you're always picking on?!” Dean groaned.

“Because you make it so easy,” Cas pointed out.  Dean looked over at him, betrayal all over his face.

“You too??”  Cas shrugged as Ellen chuckled.

“The reason we brought you out to this side of town was to show you the house we’re going to rent,” Jess said, everyone's attention shifting back to them.  “And Dean and Cas have graciously agreed to move in so they can help with the rent.”  Cas smiled at Dean’s flushed cheeks, running his hand over his back fondly.

“Well, let's get going then,” Bobby said, grunting as he stood from the table.

The drive didn't take too long, and Dean’s family weren't the only ones who had their breath taken away, Cas was very impressed with the layout of the house.  The 2D floor plans for this place didn't do it justice, the money Sam had said they would each be accountable for seemed much cheaper now that he was seeing the actual house.  Sam and Jess showed everyone around, explaining the deal they'd made with the landlord and what was being done before they moved in.  Cas climbed the stairs and looked around the bedroom he and Dean were about to start sharing, mapping out furniture in his mind.  It was quite a bit larger than his current room, a private bathroom connected to it, and the smaller bedroom across the hall could hold most of their other belongings.  The other two bedrooms were downstairs, and it gave the impression of it being two separate apartments.  He felt a pair of arms sneak around his waist and he leaned back into them.

“Aren’t you worried about getting caught and teased some more?” Cas asked with a small chuckle.  Dean pressed his nose into the side of Cas’ neck.

“Jess walked them into the nursery, they're all going to be down there for a while cooing about the baby,” he hummed.  Cas rested his arms on top of Dean’s, the strange feeling he’d felt in the car creeping back into his heart.

“Your family is amazing,” he sighed, his lack of smile unseen as Dean continued to nuzzle into his neck and shoulders.  Dean shrugged.

“We have our ups and downs, no different than any other family.”  Cas felt the brush of Dean’s lips on the back of his neck, closing his eyes against his negative feelings and focusing in on Dean.

“Your mother is downstairs,” Cas reminded him.  Dean smiled against his shoulder blade and released him.

“Fair point.”  He turned Cas to face him, and Cas wasn't quite fast enough to get the pensive look off his face.  “Hey, what's wrong?” Dean asked.  Cas shook his head, not quite ready to talk about it.

“Later,” he mumbled.  Dean went to object but conceded when Sam started to call them from the bottom floor.

 

They spent the rest of the afternoon at the hotel with Bobby and Ellen, ordering in pizza for dinner, drinking beer and telling stories until they were kicked out, Ellen claiming that the old folk needed their beauty sleep.  Dean drove Cas and Mary back to their apartment, helping her carry her things up and get settled in Dean’s old room.  Cas stopped in the kitchen, making some herbal tea for the two of them.  She’d mentioned something about it earlier in the evening, and Cas poured out the hot water into their cups while Dean said goodnight to her.  He heard his bedroom door open and close as he made his way to Dean’s old room, knocking gently on the open door.

“What is it, sweetie?” Mary asked.  He held out a cup of tea to her, trying not to feel nervous.

“Some of the tea we talked about.”  She smiled and nodded, taking the cup graciously.  She studied him for a moment with knowing eyes, and Cas felt like he was being x-rayed, something he wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of.  Knowing she was looking for it, his thoughts were pulled back to the odd longing that had been buzzing under his skin all day.

“Thank you, but I don't think that's all that's on your mind,” she said quietly.  Cas bit his lip, but the truth still tumbled out.

“I just… I don't have a good relationship with my mother, or my father, I haven't since I was little.  Meeting you today, I- I didn't know what- what it was really like, having a parent.  One who loves you.  Seeing you and Dean...”  He couldn’t keep talking, his voice choked off and she moved to the side table, carefully setting her tea down before walking over to Cas.  She didn't say anything, just hugged him, and he let her.  He let her because he needed it, had needed it all his life and never had it.  The guilt swirled in his stomach again, guilt because of what he was thinking about his own mother.  

_ This is what having a mom is supposed to feel like.   _

He just closed his eyes and let this woman, still practically a stranger, be a mom to him more than anyone else had.  His foster parent had been good to him, kind and patient, but she’d never crossed that line, she’d never felt like a  _ mother _ to Cas.  And here was Mary Winchester, proving again that something about this family was so different from everything Cas was taught to expect from the world, turning his heart upside down all over again.

After a few minutes, Cas pulled away from her embrace, surprisingly dry eyed considering the emotions running strong in him.  She ran a soft hand over his cheek.

“You don’t have to talk about this with me, but you do need to talk about it.  Promise you’ll try and do that?”  Her eyes were understanding and  _ motherly,  _ and he managed a nod and a small smile before leaving her room for his own.  He shut the door behind him, leaning against it and sighing heavily.

“Hey, took you long enough,” Dean called from the bathroom.  Cas walked over to the open door, watching as his boyfriend finished brushing his teeth, dressed in sweats for bed.  Dean caught his gaze in the mirror, brow furrowing in concern.  “You’ve been kinda spacey all day, you sure you’re alright?” he asked gently once he'd wiped his face, moving closer.  Cas leaned into him, setting his cup of tea down on the counter and resting his forehead against Dean’s collarbone.   _ Almost,  _ Cas thought to himself quietly, but tomorrow was Dean’s birthday, and he wasn’t going to put a damper on his mood or his celebration.  He packed up his baggage, tucking it away for later.  Dean’s hand massaged the back of his neck, and he anchored onto that feeling. 

“Just a bit overwhelmed,” he sighed tiredly, but smiling as Dean’s lips brushed the top of his head.

“By what?” Dean chuckled.

“Your family,” Cas said simply, honestly.  Dean wrapped an arm around his back, pulling him close as he pressed a second kiss to his forehead.

“Today was calm for them, you should see Ellen around tequila.”  Cas shook his head, smiling against Dean’s neck as he leaned in for a closer hug.

“I can only imagine.”  Dean’s fingers moved their massage up the back of Cas’ head, rubbing small circles just at the base of his skull, and Cas was able to pack up the rest of his bad feelings and lock them away.

“Let's go to bed,” Dean breathed, pulling back slightly to smile at Cas.  “I’ve got a long day planned for us tomorrow, and lord knows you need your beauty sleep.”  Dean’s voice was calm and gentle in his teasing, and Cas let Dean guide him to the bed, turning off the lights as Cas stripped down to his boxer briefs and his undershirt.  They crawled under the blanket, Cas tucked against Dean as the little spoon, letting his strong arms wrap around him and ease him into sleep.

 

 

Cas woke up before Dean’s alarm the next morning, Dean still soundly asleep in bed next to him, breathing deeply.  It was just after 6am, and it  _ was _ Dean’s birthday, he wouldn't be surprised if Dean slept for a few more hours.  Cas smiled at his tousled hair, his relaxed face, the lines on his face from his pillow, drinking in Dean’s beauty.  He allowed himself a few minutes to lay with Dean, wondering what he was dreaming about as his eyes fluttered in sleep.  Cas carefully climbed out of bed, managing not to wake Dean, and pulled on his pants from yesterday, in case their company woke up.  Cas made a brief stop in the bathroom to relieve himself and run a toothbrush over his teeth before going in search of coffee, surprised to find Mary buzzing about the kitchen, fully dressed and ready for the day.   _ Must be where Sam got his annoying ‘morning person’ personality from. _

“Good, you’re up,” she said with a smile when she noticed him hovering by the dining table.  “I've just seen what you have here, I'm going to run to the store to pick up what I need to make Dean’s favorite breakfast.”  She grabbed the keys for the Impala off the counter, tucking a slip of paper in her purse.

“What is his favorite breakfast?” Cas asked curiously.  She looked around, like she was about to tell Cas a huge secret.

“Apple pie pancakes.  It was something I experimented with when he was a kid, and it's been his special occasion breakfast ever since.”  Cas grinned.

“Yeah, that sounds like Dean,” he laughed.  She gathered up her purse and slipped on her shoes.  

“Before I leave I'll give you the recipe.  You can use it to your advantage when you need to,” she said with a wink, making Cas blush.

“I'll keep that in mind.  Do you need directions to the store?”

“I’ve got my phone.  Sam’s a good teacher when it comes to technology, I’ll manage.  Besides, it’s not every day I get to drive around in the Impala, I’m going to make the most of it.”  Cas shook his head,  _ and there’s a bit that rubbed off on Dean,  _ he mused.  When she slipped out of the apartment, he turned back for the bedroom, walking in to see Dean blinking sleepily at his phone.  He was so adorably rumpled and fuzzy and Cas was suddenly aware that they had a brief window of time  _ alone. _

“Goddamn brother and his birthday wishes, too goddamn early in the morning,” he muttered.  Cas chuckled at him, walking over to sit next to him on the bed.

“That's not fair, I wanted to be the one who wished you happy birthday first.”  Dean set his phone down, looking up at Cas with a tired smile.

“Well, Sam’s is voided because of the ungodly hour, so I still give you credit.”  Cas leaned down and kissed him.  

“Happy birthday, Dean.”  Dean smiled and Cas leaned in to kiss him again, this one lingering just long enough to peak Dean’s interest.  

“What was that?” he mused, still waking up but smiling broadly at Cas.  Cas ran his hand over Dean’s pentagram tattoo, an idea coming to mind that had his pulse quickening.

“Your mom said something about making apple pie pancakes?  She just left for the store.”  Dean’s drowsiness was completely gone.

“See?  This is why I wanted her to sleep here!”  He hopped out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.  Cas watched the half closed door for a moment, they only had a tiny window of opportunity, and he was steeling himself to use it.  He'd picked up a gift for Dean the other day, it was currently wrapped and hidden in his dresser drawer, but he had another idea that was a tiny bit romantic and all sorts of sexual.  He could feel his blood moving south, the anticipation finally making him stand and walk to the bathroom.  He cracked open the door, Dean was brushing the morning breath out of his teeth and smiled at Cas through his toothbrush.  Cas raised an eyebrow and shook his head, waiting for Dean to spit and rinse before attempting to talk.

“What?  Dental hygiene is very sexy,” he said indignantly.  Cas stepped into the bathroom, capturing Dean’s minty lips in a hard kiss.  Dean made a muffled sound of surprise before letting himself relax into it, sitting back and letting Cas have control of the situation.

“You know,” Cas said slowly once he let Dean go to gasp for air, “we have just enough time alone for me to give you one of your birthday gifts.”  He was starting to get nervous now, this was an  _ entirely _ new ballpark for him, but he tried to put on an air of confidence.  Dean raised an eyebrow, seeing right through him but letting it go.

“Yeah?  And what would that be?”  Cas didn't say anything, but smiled coyly as he moved to the shower, turning the water on to heat up.  He turned back to Dean, pulling his tank over his head before slowly dropping his pants.  Dean cursed in surprise, but his eyes were wide and lustful, watching Cas closely.

“Y-you want to…together?” Dean stuttered.  Cas just smiled, chewing on his lip a bit as he moved into Dean’s space, hands running over his chest as his lips found his neck.  He felt Dean’s hands on his skin, running over his arms and up his back.  He slid his lips a bit farther down, latching onto an area just below Dean’s collarbone and sucking a mark into his skin, and Dean hummed in approval.  A slight roll of Dean’s hips rubbed Dean’s growing hardness against him, and a thrill ran through Cas as his own length brushed against Dean.  He pulled back, smiling at the bruise he left behind, and pulled Dean into the shower shutting the door behind him.  He stepped back under the spray, letting it wet his hair, his eyes slipping closed against the flow of water over his face.  Before he could grab the shampoo, Dean had him against the wall, the chilled tile sending a shiver down his spine that was instantly forgotten as Dean's lips traveled across his skin.  Apparently Dean didn’t want to wait for the actual  _ showering  _ part of this.

“What do you want, angel?” he breathed against his ear, rolling his hips into Cas’, a rush of heat flaring across Cas’ skin.  His nerves were gone as his arousal took over, and he knew  _ exactly  _ what he wanted to do for Dean.  He pushed back against Dean enough to trade places with him, pressing Dean into the wall of the shower.  He kissed Dean hard, nipping at his lip.

“I want to take  _ care _ of you, Dean,” he hummed, dropping the timbre of his voice.  Dean swallowed hard, staring at Cas almost nervously as Cas slid down his body, kneeling below him.  Dean’s mouth worked like he was trying to talk, and Cas ran his hand over the erection he was now nearly eye level with.  Dean’s hips bucked forward, and he moaned, finally finding his voice.

“Castiel, you don't-  _ fuck _ you're so damn gorgeous,” he gasped out.  Cas smiled, Dean saying his name giving him the courage to lean forward and run his tongue slowly up the underside of Dean’s hardness, dropping his head to take his tip into his mouth.  Dean let out a choked off grunt, trembling with the effort of staying still as Cas slid up and down his hardness a few times.  He relaxed his jaw to keep it from locking as he got used to the feeling of Dean’s length, adjusting the tilt of his head till he could slide along him easily.  Eventually he found a rhythm, teasing at the tip with his tongue, using Dean’s writhing and broken moans to guide his actions, his hands gripping tight onto Dean’s hips.

He hadn't expected for this to be as  _ arousing _ as it was, watching Dean come apart, feeling the weight of Dean’s arousal between his lips, his fingers gripping Cas’ hair tightly.  Dean had been behind him the last time, he hadn’t been able to see the look on his face as the waves of pleasure washed through him.  This time, he was able to see what each slide of his tongue did, Dean’s face flushed and slack jawed, his eyes dark and lusty.  Cas noticed the slightly bitter taste of pre come combine with his saliva, but instead of bothering him all his brain could focus on was he could taste  _ Dean.   _ His neglected hardness twitched at the thought, so he hollowed his cheeks, creating more suction as Dean’s choked off cries echoed through the bathroom.  As he felt Dean’s muscles tightening under his hands, getting closer to release, Dean’s hands pushed him back.

“Holy fuck, Cas.  You're a fucking natural,” Dean grunted, breathing heavily and using Cas’ shoulders for support.  Cas’ lips tingled slightly from his ministrations, and he pressed them together, catching his lower one in his teeth.

“Then why don't you let me finish?” Cas purred, smirking up at Dean when he saw his knees tremble.  He could  _ definitely  _ get used to this.

“Be-because,” Dean bent, slipping his hands under Cas’ arms and lifting Cas up to his feet, smashing his lips into his.  His hands slid down his sides, pulling Cas’ hips flush against him as he continued to lean on the wall for support.  Cas let himself rest against Dean’s body, their hips sliding together as Dean pulled him close.  He nipped at Cas’ lip and pulled back, meeting his eyes.  “I want you to experience this with me,” he finally gasped out.  Cas ran his left hand up behind Dean’s neck, his kiss turning gentle as emotion washed through him.  Those words brought Cas back to himself, the wild fire in his body becoming a steady burn.  Dean’s hand wrapped around the back of Cas’ hand, leading him to their erections, wrapping them both in Cas’ fist.  Cas slowly found his rhythm, and Dean’s head fell back, giving Cas access to the sensitive skin along the curve of his jaw.  “So good, angel, so good to me,” Dean gasped out.  His right hand joined Cas’ sliding movements along their lengths, his other hand made its way up into Cas’ hair, hips sliding into the tunnel of their joined fists.  Cas was getting close, he could feel the rhythm he'd built start to falter as his muscles began to tense.

“Dean, I- I'm gonna, I'm-”  He felt Dean’s fingers tighten in his hair, and his other fist tighten around them as they rutted together.

“I've got you, angel.  I've always got you,” Dean hummed and the breath went out of Cas in a groan as he came over their joined hands, Dean’s other hand sliding down his back to pull him close as he followed moments after.  Cas pulled in shallow breaths against Dean’s skin, his left hand pressing against the wall of the shower for support.  

“Happy birthday,” Cas finally gasped out, leaning back to let the water wash their mess away.  Dean grinned, and gathered Cas up in his arms, the warm water still running over them.  Cas was amazed he was still standing, his entire body felt wobbly, Dean’s solid embrace the only thing keeping him upright.  Once he was sure Cas could stand on his own, Dean grabbed the body wash and started to clean Cas, continuing on to shampoo Cas’ hair and run his hands through it to help him rinse.  Cas couldn’t really explain it, but Dean washing him, performing the mundane task of helping him get clean, was almost more intimate than the sex act they’d shared before.  Dean was impossibly gentle in his touches, his gaze reverent while he focused on Cas’ body.  Cas returned the gesture, admiring the curves and lines of Dean’s body as he rinsed the soap off his skin.  After one last brief kiss, Cas shut off the water, handing Dean a towel and drying off with his own.

“So, I know we haven't even eaten breakfast, but this is shaping up to be one of the best birthdays ever.”  Dean’s smile was goofy, and Cas blushed, smiling sheepishly up at Dean as he rubbed water out of his hair.

“It can't have been  _ that _ good, it was my first try,” he mumbled, turning to his dresser in search of underwear.  Dean came up next to him, pressing his lips to Cas’ temple in what was becoming his signature move, sending happy shivers through Cas.

“It was  _ you _ , Cas, no one else holds a candle to you.  Watching you on your knees in front of me… one of the sexiest fucking things I've ever seen.”  Cas was bright red, but his smile was beaming.

“We should probably get dressed before your mom gets back,” he mumbled.  Dean grinned, kissing his temple one last time as he moved away to get his clothes.

 

Cas watched intently, making notes periodically as Mary made the pancakes, determined to make them for Dean someday himself.  For the most part they were normal pancakes, but she made something similar to an apple pie filling, thinly sliced apples with cinnamon and nutmeg and a handful of other ingredients, that she mixed into the batter before cooking them.  The apples were sliced just thin enough to cook quickly, giving the pancakes only a slight crunch.  Cas was going to need practice before he tried this himself.

The three of them drove over to Bobby and Ellen’s hotel, meeting up with them and piling in the Impala, Bobby and his larger frame up front, Cas sliding in the back with Ellen and Mary.  The closeness kept the January chill out of the car, but Cas still had his coat on.  Even if the others didn't seem bothered by it, the mid 60’s was still cold to a Florida native.

“So where are we headed?” Ellen asked.  Dean smiled mischievously, and Cas’ head tilted curiously.  He hadn't even told Cas what they were doing that morning.  Admittedly, they’d been distracted, but still.

“You’ll see.  Sam is meeting us there with Jess and our friend Charlie.”  In spite of continued questions from Ellen and Mary, Dean stayed quiet about their destination until they got off the interstate.  Cas recognized the touristy area of International Drive as Dean drove them to their mystery destination.  He pulled in and pulled into a parking space near the new Orlando Eye, a giant Ferris wheel of sorts, similar to the one built in London.  Cas chucked to himself as Dean excitedly climbed out of the car, his family and Cas following.  Sam, Jess and Charlie were waiting at the entrance for them, and handed out tickets when they arrived.  Dean was slightly angry that his brother had bought them already, but the argument that it was  _ Dean’s _ birthday won him over.

The complex included Madame Tussaud's wax museum and an aquarium, and Cas couldn't remember having so much fun doing something so simple.  Charlie immediately fit right in with Dean’s family, like she had been a part of it all along, and Cas began to realize it was just in their nature to be accepting, to care for the ones that Dean and Sam cared about.  After they finished their trip in the wheel, they moved their group next door to a bowling alley/ restaurant called King’s, where Bobby reserved them a private lane for the night.  Charlie had called a few of Dean’s friends from work, Benny and a couple of the band members that Cas didn't really know, to fill up the space, and suddenly it became a real party.  Cas had never seen Dean smile or laugh so much, his happiness infectious and gorgeous, but the large group of people mixed with the quantity of alcohol being consumed was finally starting to overwhelm Cas’ natural introvert.  He slipped away unnoticed to step outside into the early evening, tucking his coat tighter around him and walking up and down the sidewalk a little ways, letting the cool air calm him.  He pulled out his phone, and saw he had a missed call from Gabriel, so he took the opportunity to call him back.

“Hey, little bro!” Gabe answered cheerily.

“Sorry I missed your call, Dean’s birthday is today, there's a party-”

“Oh!  Well tell him I said happy birthday!” Gabe interrupted excitedly.  “You gonna give him a happy ending tonight?” he asked with a lewd chuckle.  Cas flushed bright red, but decided to fight fire with fire.  It was one way to tell his brother about their relationship anyway.

“Gave him a good morning, actually, but that's not really any of your business.”  Gabe sputtered and coughed over the phone and Cas smirked.

“I was just- I don't know whether to congratulate you or puke.”

“Let's not to do either and move on,” Cas chuckled.  

“So, you finally pulled your head out of your ass then.”  Gabe was still teasing, but it was tinged with a soft happiness.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Cas asked.  Gabe laughed.

“Dude, he’s been in love with you forever, thought I’d die of old age waiting for you to figure that out.  I mean, come on, Cas, he's one hot piece of-”  Cas flushed.

“Why are you calling me?” he interrupted, changing Gabe’s attempt at a change of subject.  He knew his brother had called for a reason, and teasing him about Dean wasn’t it.  The long pause changed Cas’ mood dramatically.

“I made it in the local paper back home.  Like,  _ home  _ home.”  When Cas was born, his family had been living basically out in the middle of nowhere, a small little neighborhood in St. Cloud surrounded by cows.  Gabe's success would be newsworthy to their little town, and Gabe had continued to live there with his foster family when Cas and Anna had been moved farther north, so people there still knew him.

“Why is that a bad thing?  Because the way you say that means it is.”  Cas waited through another long pause for his brother to answer.

“Dad called.”

Cas nearly swallowed his tongue.

“Dad?” he gasped through gritted teeth.  Cas leaned heavily against the wall behind him.  He wasn't sure what to think, and he just wound up feeling a bit numb.  It had been  _ twenty  _ years since he'd seen his father, and as far as he knew equally as long since any of them had spoken to him.  “He was still living in town?”

“Dunno how he heard,” Gabe shrugged off the question.  Cas let out a deep breath.

“Was it- I mean are you sure-?”

“Yeah, it was him, Castiel.”  Gabe’s voice grew slightly strained.  “I've already talked to Anna.  I didn't want to, but she insisted I tell you, you know ‘no secrets between family’.”  Cas could see Gabe in his mind's eye, mockingly making the quote fingers as he talked to try and lighten the mood.  “Look, Cas, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it yet.  I didn't say I'd call him back, but I didn't tell him to lose my number.”  Cas leaned his head back against the wall, his eyes closed.  He tried to think back, tried to remember at least his father’s face,  _ something _ about him, but there was… _ nothing. _  The realization added to the numbness in his chest, the absence of anything.  He couldn't even remember his own father, and he didn't  _ feel _ anything about it.  Happy, sad, angry, guilty.  It was like his father was an abstract concept, and Cas couldn't wrap his head around it.

“I don't remember him, Gabe.”  His voice was calm, quiet, and surprisingly so was Gabe’s.

“I'm not surprised, you'd barely turned five.”  Gabe sighed heavily.  “I'm sorry, Cas, I shouldn't have ruined your night.”   _ Dean _ .  Cas had nearly forgotten the party, his brain had gone a bit fuzzy.

“No it's, it's alright.  I was thinking about heading home anyway.”  He had planned on going back inside to say goodbye first, but he couldn't deal with that many people right now, his wall and fake smile wasn't strong enough anymore.

Their dad had just  _ left _ , no custody battle, no fight, like he hadn't cared about them at all, according to Gabe.  Cas hadn't been too affected, he was so young, but he could remember Anna talking to Gabe almost daily once they were placed in their respective foster homes, hearing them on the phone at night when she thought Cas was away or asleep.  Gabe had been  _ furious _ , in fact, his brother had been a downright mess.  Cas however, didn't know his dad long enough to really miss him.  

And this might be his  _ only _ chance to know him.  

He paused, not wanting to ask this of his brother, but unable to stop himself.  

“Can I… if you talk to him again… I want to see him.” 

“Cas-” 

“Gabe, please.”  A tense silence.

“That may not be a good idea,” Gabe said, almost angry.

“Why?”

“He wasn't a bad man, but he… wasn't the best.  He may not be what you'd expect.” 

“I don't  _ expect _ anything, I don't know him,” Cas pointed out.  The line was silent for so long Cas started to wonder if Gabe had hung up.

“I'll think about it.  Good bye Cas,” and with that, Gabe  _ did  _ hang up on him.

Lost in thought, Cas called a taxi to take him back to the apartment.  Cas wouldn’t be able to hide his thoughts from Dean right now, and because of the party, it would just make Dean stew in his worry when he should be happy, should be celebrating with his family.  Dean deserved that much.  He pulled out his phone as the taxi navigated the traffic, considering calling Anna, but changed his mind.  He sent Charlie a quick text instead, to let her know he’d gone home so she could keep Dean from freaking out if he noticed Cas was missing.

Once the taxi got him home, he dropped onto the couch, curling up on his side, facing the backrest, his eyes not really seeing the fabric in the dim light of the apartment.  Maybe it was his emotions from last night, about his mother, affecting how he felt now that his  _ father _ was back in the equation, making this a bigger deal than it should be.  He hadn't expected to get so worked up about this.   _ Just shitty timing _ , Cas thought to himself.  

He wanted to meet his father, he knew that for sure, in spite of Gabe’s warning.  Would his father even agree to a meeting?  Maybe he was getting ahead of himself.  Gabe hadn’t said much of anything about what they talked about, except that it was their  _ father _ that contacted Gabe first.

What was it about his life that made fate so happy to screw around with him?  Every time Cas started to feel happy with his life, started to think he had figured out what he wanted, something happened to screw it all up.  Here he was, on his couch alone in a dark apartment, when he should be out with his boyfriend celebrating his birthday.  His phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his pocket to check his caller ID.  It was Anna, and his stomach gave an unpleasant twist.  He didn’t answer, just dropped his phone on the carpet behind him and continued to stare at the back of the couch, like the tan fabric would somehow hold all the answers he needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's getting a bit heavy in upcoming chapters, stick with me and we will get through this together!! *hugs*  
> All of your comments are seriously making my life. Please, please, PLEASE do not hesitate to call me out on anything and everything, I love the feedback!


	13. Chapter Thirteen- Breaking's What The Heart Is For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, I apologize in advance, PROFUSELY! Remember I promise a happy ending, but this is where Cas' character's journey took me.
> 
> I jumped up almost 150 reads after posting the last chapter. What is my life right now?! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
> 
> I was on a downward swing of my personal pendulum recently, had a really bad couple of days, and it made it hard to edit this chapter. Of course, Jared live streamed about SEASON 12 and between that and some supportive words from a friend, I finished this up for you. So there might be some bumps along the way...
> 
> **Trigger warning**  
> Nothing too specific, or really terrible to be honest, but Cas slips into a bad depression by the end of the chapter, a lot of broken family feels and some flashbacks about his mom and the knife. I want to be sure that everyone is prepared for it. <3 I love you guys and if there's anything I missed or anything that's confusing or needs to be edited PLEASE don't hesitate to speak up. I'm open to any and all suggestions.

Cas woke the next morning still on the couch where he’d laid down the night before, the only difference being a blanket had been draped over his shoulders.  He sat up slowly, shifting uncomfortably in his clothes, tugging at the hem of his shirt and looking around groggily.  He was going to be sore later.

“Good morning,” Mary called softly.  “I’ve got some coffee on, if you’d like some.”  Cas rubbed sleep out of his eyes, mumbling his thanks and standing slowly, stumbling out to the kitchen to take her up on her offer.  As he pulled out a mug and poured, Mary continued to talk.  “Dean wanted to wake you when we got back, but you were sleeping so peacefully, I made him let you be.” The events of the night before were slowly leaking back into Cas’ conscious mind.  He had thought himself in circles for a couple hours, making no progress at all, and had meant to stay up late enough to apologize to Dean for leaving his party.  Apparently, sleep had claimed him before he’d noticed he was getting drowsy.  He shifted in his clothes again, still feeling slightly off center because of his brother’s phone call.  
“I apologize for leaving without saying goodnight.  I got a bit... overwhelmed.”  It wasn’t a lie, at least, and that made him feel a bit better about his sudden departure.  Mary smiled at him as she pulled a bagel out of the toaster.

“No need to apologize, I know how my boys get when the beer starts flowing,” she said simply.  He nodded, sipping slowly at his coffee and making himself a bagel.  They didn't say anything as they ate, Mary started reading a book and Cas waited for the coffee to wake him up.  He knew he should probably call his sister back, at least so she wouldn’t worry, but he didn’t really know what to say to her.  To be honest, he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what she had to say either.  She would probably agree with Gabe, that Cas shouldn’t worry about meeting his father, and even though he valued her opinion and trusted her, Cas wanted to make this decision himself.

“Well aren’t you a sight,” Mary laughed, looking past Cas towards the bedrooms.  He turned to see Dean stumbling out into the living room, hair damp from a shower, but otherwise a squinty, rumpled mess.  “Guess your age is finally catching up to your partying.”

“Yeah, yeah, have your laugh,” he muttered, pausing to squeeze Cas’ shoulder and kiss his mom on top of the head.  “You guys better have left me some coffee,” he sighed, walking out into the kitchen.

“Just enough,” Cas called, swirling his now cold coffee in his cup and forcing a few more sips down.  He stood from the table slowly, taking his mug out to the kitchen, letting Dean brush his lower back with his hand.  “I’m going to grab a shower,” Cas said to Dean as he passed by.  Dean nodded, then focused in on Cas’ face, brow furrowing slightly.  

“Yeah, let me pick up my mess real quick,” he said, his voice too casual to actually be casual.  Cas hadn’t expected to hide his discomfort from Dean, but the fact that he saw through him immediately wasn’t a good sign.  He followed Cas down the hallway into their bedroom, shutting the door behind them.   “You alright?” he immediately asked in a quiet, concerned voice.  Cas nodded at him, pulling some clean clothes out of the closet and laying them out on the bed.  He was confused, worried, and preoccupied, but he felt okay considering.

“I’m alright, Dean.”  He started to undo the buttons on his shirt, but had to stop when Dean took a step closer and took hold of his wrist carefully, pulling Cas’ eyes to his face.

“You sure?  You disappeared on me last night.”  Dean’s other hand was gently pressed against Cas’ lower back again, the gesture was comforting but just reminded Cas he _really_ wanted a shower.  He ran his hand over the hand Dean had holding his wrist, squeezing gently before removing it.

“I'm fine, I just got a little over socialized last night.  Too many people in too tiny a room.” He gave Dean a smile before removing his overshirt, pulling his tank off as he walked to the bathroom.  Dean followed a few steps behind, standing just outside the bathroom door as Cas got the water turned on.  Cas smiled when his brain conjured up the image of Dean as a puppy that won’t stop following on his heels.

“Bobby, Ellen, and Sam will be here shortly to say goodbye,” Dean started explaining, “Sam’s picking mom up from here and taking them all to the airport.”  He didn’t seem to believe Cas’ assertion that he was fine, so Cas stepped back out of the bathroom and kissed him lightly on the cheek, pushing gently against his chest.

“Then I should probably get showered,” he pointed out.  A half smile ghosted Dean’s face, and he left Cas to his shower.  Again, Cas had to tell himself he wasn’t really lying, a reassurance he didn’t usually need.  He would talk to Dean about his family situation, in time, once Cas had figured out what his ‘situation’ was.

Sam arrived with Bobby and Ellen just as Cas finished getting dressed, and thankfully Dean seemed to have moved past his earlier suspicions.  Ellen and Mary each wrapped Cas up in multiple hugs, making Dean promise to bring Cas up to Kansas for a visit soon.  Bobby simply shook his hand, shaking his head like he was apologizing for his wife, and finally they all shuffled out the door into Sam’s car and left for the airport.  Dean stretched, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, and he turned to Cas with a small, almost embarrassed smile, the smile he only ever used around Cas, and Cas’ own nerves relaxed.

“So?” Dean sighed once they were gone, looking at Cas expectantly.  

“So what?” he asked cautiously, slightly confused.  Dean gestured at the door.

“What’d you think?”  Cas’ brow furrowed in continued confusion.

“You mean, your family?” he asked.  Dean nodded, smiling so openly at Cas, eagerly waiting for his answer.  Cas couldn’t help his smile, shaking his head.  “They’re…” he paused, only one adjective coming to mind, “perfect,” Cas sighed.  Dean chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck and averting his eyes for a moment.

“I don’t know about perfect,” he sighed, “I mean, mom’s pretty awesome, but no family is perfect.”  He looked up at Cas, his smile fading slightly, growing more serious at whatever he saw there.  He took a couple steps closer, making sure Cas was meeting his eyes as he talked.  Cas tried not to get lost in the beautiful green orbs and focus in on what Dean was saying.  “At the time, I mean, I know you weren’t really thinking about it the same way, but when we went to Miami…”  Dean took a step closer to Cas, reaching out and grabbing hold of his hand.  “Meeting your siblings was important to me, for the same reasons this weekend was.  I was so glad you introduced us, Cas, your sister is an amazingly kind person.”  His smirk started to show again.  “Your brother could use some work, but I can deal with him.”  Cas smiled, closing the distance between himself and Dean and resting his hand on Dean’s hip.

“Gabe has always been a handful.  Always buzzing around me, on my case, getting on my last nerve.  I was honestly surprised you two seemed to get along so well.”  Dean shrugged, a hand running up Cas’ arm to rest by his neck.

“He’s really not that bad when you and your sister aren’t around.”  Dean paused, turning thoughtful.  “Kinda like how I am when it’s just me and you.  I gotta be strong for Sammy, but I know if I stumble,” he paused to kiss Cas’ cheek, “you’ll be there to catch me.”  Cas swallows hard, the declaration of faith and all the talk about family making him inexplicably nervous.  He leaned in to hug Dean, hiding his face as he closed off those thoughts, tucking them out of sight, and out of mind.

 

He managed to go about life like nothing had changed, working and coming home to Dean, dinners with Sam, Jess, and Charlie.  He’d even made it to the big Valentine’s Day party a few days ago that Lafitte’s had thrown, Dean’s gorgeous voice helping him forget everything for a while.  He could feel it, though, when he was alone; something had changed in him, and he couldn’t quite figure out what.  His mind plagued him with questions about his father, and about _why_ it mattered to him so much.  Memories he hadn't visited in years were floating out of the past, ghosts that were haunting Cas for reasons he couldn't quite grasp.  Normally he'd have no problem just pushing them aside, examining them from an objective angle and letting them go.  Now, it was like everything he'd fought to overcome in his life was climbing out of the depths to pull him back down.  Two steps forward and one hundred steps back.

Dean had noticed Cas’ pensive mood, there was no way he couldn't.  Cas had put a little distance between them, mostly subconscious, sharing less physical intimacy than they had been before.  Dean had simply let Cas have his space, but he could see sometimes the hurt in his eyes.  Every time Dean looked like he was about to ask him what was wrong, Cas would deflect his question, or find some way to avoid it completely.  He had no idea what was wrong with himself, he didn't know how he could explain it to Dean.  The small gap it was putting between them was taking its toll, and Cas knew he'd have to face up to it eventually.  All he saw in Dean’s eyes anymore was soft concern and worry, a desperate desire to help Cas.  Cas was scared of what Dean might be seeing in his eyes.

It had been about two weeks, now, not that Cas was counting the days or anything.  

Even though Gabe said he would keep him updated, he couldn't wait any longer; Cas gave in and called Gabriel.  He was sitting on the couch, alone in the mostly dark apartment since Dean was at work.

“Castiel,” Gabe said slowly when he answered.  

“Have you spoken to dad again?” he asked without preamble.  Gabe seemed to know what he was calling about anyway.

“I have,” he said curtly.  Cas waited to see if he would elaborate, and sighed when Gabe didn't say anything else.

“What did you talk about?”

“Nothing of substance.  He asked about you and Anna.  Speaking of, you need to call her.”  A twinge of guilt ran through him, but he ignored it.

“Anything else?” Cas insisted.  Gabe groaned, and Cas could hear his brother’s frustration.

“Cas, it's been twenty years, and he's never reached out to us before.  Hell, you don't even know anything about him.  Why are you so determined to see him now?”  Cas opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out right away.

“I… I don't really know,” he admitted.  “I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it.”

“Is it curiosity?  Want to know what his eye color is?  What, Cas?” his brother snapped, and Cas was a bit taken aback by his anger.  This was already straining his relationship with Dean, he didn't want it to push his siblings away either.

“I don't know,” Cas repeated, feeling a bit defeated.  Gabe was silent for a little while, and when he spoke again his voice was notably softer, but still serious.

“Tell you what, Cas, I'll keep my toe in the water.  You come up with a reason to see him, and I'll bring it up.  Until then, give Anna a call and think this through.”  Cas felt relief that he wasn’t shut down outright, but disappointment lingered on the edge of that relief.  He leaned heavily against the back of the couch.

“Okay,” he sighed, feeling helpless as his brother said goodbye and hung up.  He felt pressure behind his eyes, and had no idea why he suddenly felt like crying, like a kid that didn't get his way.  He forced back the tears, and tucked his feet up underneath himself, pulling up his sister’s number.  It only rang once before she answered.

“Castiel!  I've been trying to call you,” she sighed in relief.

“Sorry, Anna, I've been preoccupied,” he said quietly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.  He settled deeper in the couch, guilt weighing heavy on him again.

“I do, I just don't know how.”  He hugged his knees, waiting as his sister gathered her thoughts.

“Gabe says you don’t remember him?” she asked gently.

“No.  I mean, I remember him being there, but I can’t remember _him_.  His face, his voice… nothing.”

“I’m not surprised, even when he was around you were usually asleep, he worked late.”   She seemed to be preparing herself for something, choosing her words carefully.  “Dad didn't fight for our custody during the divorce, not even for visitation.”

“And?” Cas replied, not sure what point she was trying to make.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want more information about his dad, but this was old news, he’d figured all this out years ago.

“I just want to know that you have the whole story.”  He could hear the frustration starting to creep into her voice, the tone she took with him when she felt he was being stubborn for no reason.  He frowned.

“But I can't know the whole story, Anna, not without his side of it.”  His voice was harsh, and he bit his lip to cut off anything else he was about to say.

“He wasn't a gentle man, he wasn't one to get involved.  He let mom do most of the parenting, even when you were born, Gabe changed more diapers than dad did.”  Cas rubbed at his temple and the growing headache that was forming there.

“Why are you telling me all this?” he asked tiredly.

“I just-” she paused.  “I don't want you to be disappointed.”  Cas laughed bitterly.

“Disappointed?  All you and Gabe have done is paint this awful picture of how horrible a father he was.”

“Cas-”

“I'm an adult, Anna.  A grown man, not some kid pining for his long lost daddy.”

“I didn't say you-”

“Stop.”  Cas was angry, and he didn't want to be.  He just couldn't seem to stop his emotions from taking over lately, and he was so _tired_ of it.  “Just, stop, Anna.  I've gotta go.”  He hung up, standing and walking to the bedroom, only pausing long enough to take off his jeans before climbing into bed.

What was _happening_ to him?!

He just hung up on Anna, the one person in his entire life that had always had his back, that had never hurt him.  In her eyes, she was just trying to help, and for reasons _still_ unknown Cas just couldn't handle it.  He didn't want to be made to feel better, he just wanted to meet the man who’d fathered him.  Was that so much to ask?

He heard Dean come home, lingering in the kitchen for a drink or a snack, then heard the bedroom door open.  Cas kept his back to the room, Dean being quiet as he moves around in the dark and gets ready for bed.  Cas feels his weight on the mattress behind him as he crawls into bed.

“You awake?” Dean whispered, scooting closer.  Cas hums in acknowledgement, but keeps his back to Dean.  He feels the weight of Dean’s hand on his shoulder briefly, a small squeeze before it moves away.  “I talked to mom today.  Dad’s doing a whole lot better than expected, was up and about for a while.  I think it's helping that he and Sam are talking again, they say positivity is everything.”  He pauses, and Cas can practically _feel_ the question before Dean asks it.  “I know something is going on, angel.  I'm here to talk if you want.  About anything.”  Cas balls his fist in the sheets to keep himself from trembling.

“I know, Dean.  I just… I can't.”  Dean takes a deep breath behind him, and it's clouded with sadness.

“Did I do something wrong?”  Cas’ heart plummets, because it's _Cas_ that's doing the wrong thing, not Dean.

“No,” he answered adamantly.  “This is all me, you're-... I just need some time, okay?”  He hears Dean let out a heavy exhale, and feels the bed shift as he rolls over.

“Good night, angel,” he breathes.

“Good night, Dean.”

 

_The hallway is dark and long, one crack of light at the very end.  Castiel knows he should turn away, turn back, but he's drawn to the light against his will.  His steps are soundless on the carpeted floor, and he’s hardly breathing for fear of making a noise.  Familiar voices can be heard floating through the crack, and he can see now the light is shining through an open door.  He pauses just outside the crack, ears straining to listen._

_“You should give him a chance.  Maybe it’ll all turn out alright, and he won’t need us.”  A girl’s voice, upset and scared._

_“We can't, and you know it.  Mom tried to kill him, he'll never be normal, he’ll never be the same.  We have to protect him, from the world, and from himself.”  A boy’s voice, angry._

_“What are we going to do?  We won't be there forever,” the girl sighed._

_“I'll do whatever the hell I have to.  Anna, Castiel is broken, you see the way your foster mom looks at him.  We have to be there for him, no one else is going to understand.”  Cas recognized Gabe’s voice now, and he felt hot tears on his cheeks.  His own siblings, trying in their own way to protect him, to insulate him from the hurt of the world, and in doing so creating a bubble of self doubt and isolation around Cas._

_“Gabe…”_

_“Sorry, Anna.  I worked so hard to get us back together, I’m just…”_

_“I know, Gabe.  We’re all tired, but we’re together now.”_

_Cas turned away from the doorway, running from the words his siblings had said._

 

Cas’ eyes popped open, a cold sweat on his skin.  He brushes unshed tears from his eyes, climbing out of his empty bed quietly and walking into the bathroom.  Dean must have been sleeping in his old room again, and Cas didn't blame him.  His sleeping patterns had been so irregular the past two weeks, that was probably the only way Dean could get any sleep.  He washed his face, pulling off his sweat covered tee shirt and tossing it on the floor, where it fell over the flyer for the St. Patrick’s Day party that Dean had brought home.  Benny had let him help plan this party, and he’d been stressing over the flyer design of all things.  The party wasn’t for a couple weeks but the flyers went out in a few days on the fifth of March.  Cas’ thoughts of Dean filled him with guilt, and he turned away from the piece of paper on the floor.

This particular dream wasn't a nightmare.  No, this one actually happened, an overheard conversation between his siblings right after Gabe had taken custody back from the state, when Cas was about eight or nine.  Gabe’s words had hurt at the time, but in the end Cas had accepted them as his brother’s way of being there for him, helping him.  He'd worked so hard to prove he could take care of Cas and Anna, he had forced himself against his personality to be a parent.  In a perfect life he wouldn't have had to.

The ‘being broken’ part was just another part of Cas he'd come to accept about himself, a part that he’d started to question because of being with Dean.  Because if he was really so broken, would Dean have come to love him?  

He walked to his closet, grabbing another shirt and tugging it on, crawling back in bed.  Memories like that one were open and bloody now because of his time with Dean.  In fact, _all_ the bad parts of himself he'd grown accustomed to were coming uncovered now, because Dean had tried to help Cas see worth in himself.  All these pieces he hated, memories he'd suppressed, feelings he'd ignored… Dean hadn’t realized the size of Cas’ problems when he'd unlocked the pandora’s box of Cas’ heart.

He'd give anything to go back to being the cold, blunt person he was before he met Dean, the person who could just turn his emotions off, because now he couldn’t and it hurt too goddamn much.

Telling Dean ‘later’ went from a couple days, to a couple more weeks.  He'd stopped going to work, he was waiting on the phone call to let him know not to come back.  After several more arguments about Cas’ desire to meet his father, Gabriel started to dodge his calls and questions, leaving Cas to wallow in his thoughts.  He talked to Anna one more time, and when she continued to take Gabriel’s side instead of trying to understand where Cas was coming from, he had hung up on her again and not talked to her since.  

Was it too much to ask to give their father a chance?  Did Gabriel and Anna really hate him that much?  

Did they really think Cas was _that_ broken?

Cas was clinging to his father, using him as an excuse, because in his heart he was getting closer to the reason for his suffering.  The reality was sinking in… and he didn't want to examine reality.

Cas was spiraling, the ground rushing up at him too fast for him to hope to catch himself.  

He rolled over in bed, trying to get comfortable, and his gaze fell across the empty space next to him.  He _had_ to meet his father.  Watching Dean’s interactions with his mom made Cas want to have a relationship with at least one parent.  He'd come to terms years ago that he and his mother would never have anything ‘normal’, and he had all the files from the kid shrinks he’d seen after being put into foster care to prove it.  It was partially why he'd insulated himself.  Being a foster kid was hard enough, and Cas and Anna had been some of the lucky ones.  State required therapy sessions were daunting and nearly unbearable, and Cas could tell that no matter how hard they tried, none of his government appointed therapists had really cared about _him_.  Once he'd finished the required sessions, he shut everyone out; as a kid he just hadn't wanted to go back, afraid if someone saw his nightmares or heard his worries he'd be sent back to the prying eyes of the cold psychologists.  As he grew older, he kept quiet to be treated the same by his classmates, not looked at different or pitied.  When he got to college, keeping to himself was all he knew, the only reason he gave in to April’s questions was a bit too much alcohol and a bit of loneliness.

Okay, maybe a large amount of loneliness.

She'd ended up betraying him, and he had to admit it had set him back a few years on his progress.  He shut _everyone_ out after that, even going to far as to keep from his sister the real reason he and April broke up.  He'd only agreed to a roommate his sophomore year because he had to stay over the summer for classes.  His roommate Ash, a math genius who also managed to pass out in a different bar every night, kept to himself mostly, and was hardly home, which worked out for Cas.  Ash had graduated last year, and Cas needed someone else simply to help cover the rent for his last year in school.  It was pure luck Sam had been the one to move in, someone who could handle Cas’ oddities and keep to himself as well.

Sam had led him to Dean, and the opening up of all sorts of doors and windows he had slammed closed for so long.  He had to be honest, right now he was wishing now some of those doors were _still_ closed.

If they had been closed, he wouldn't be tearing himself up right now worrying about setting up a meeting with his father.  He wouldn't be struggling to fix a non-existent relationship because he was jealous of the way his boyfriend interacted with his mother.  He wouldn’t _care_ so much about his past coming back to haunt him.  

He just wanted something _normal_ for a change, something to prove to himself that the changes he’d gone through from loving Dean weren’t going to break him down.

He'd woken from his dream at about 2am, and as these thoughts and more kept circling around his head, he watched the clock tick slowly by, giving up on sleep when 5am rolled around.  He crawled back out of bed, walking out to the kitchen, not really hungry but needing something to do.  He poured himself a bowl of Cheerios, sitting at the table and nibbling on his cereal one piece at a time.  

Everything about himself he'd hidden and repressed over his life, to make his siblings happy, to make people treat him normally, to get by in life like a normal person, it was all bubbling to the surface, and he couldn't stop it.  Half of the dreams and memories that were flooding back in Cas didn’t even realize he had, and those hurt the most.  The memories of his mother staring at him with such _hate_ in her eyes.  The long nights laying awake, rehearsing everything he would say to the therapist so they wouldn’t take him away from Anna.

Cas felt sick to his stomach.

The worst part was watching what his turmoil was doing to Dean.  His kind smiles and reassurances that he was there for Cas became almost the limit of their interaction for the entire day.  After a while, Dean stopped asking him to talk about it, but was a constant presence in the apartment, and in Cas’ mind, his guilt growing worse by the day.  As time wore on, Cas drew deeper and deeper into himself, because he didn’t want Dean to see him like this.  He didn't want Dean to see how horrible his damage actually was.  He was beyond fixing, and it was selfish of him to keep Dean here, to keep hurting him by holding onto him.  Cas was afraid of what was happening to him, and was starting to realize he would _never_ be the type of person Dean deserved, there was no way he’d ever be the man he wanted to be for Dean.

He was starting to realize he needed to let Dean go.

He heard Dean get up to use the bathroom, and when the door opened again, he watched Dean walk down the hall cautiously.

“Cas?”  He left the question of whether or not he was okay unsaid, because he had been asking nearly every day, and Cas still hadn't answered.  Dean poured himself a glass of water, sitting down slowly across the table from Cas.  “Still can't sleep?” he asked gently.  Cas shook his head, but didn't trust himself to speak.  Dean fidgeted, rubbing the back of his neck, and Cas took a deep breath in preparation for whatever Dean was trying to work himself up to say.  “I know you've got a lot on your mind, but we've only got a month left before we move in with Sam, if that's still…”  He trailed off, so much concern and worry in his voice, and something inside Cas _shattered._

“I can't do this,” he said quietly, pushing away from the table and standing, walking a few steps towards the living room and away from Dean.  “I thought…maybe… but I can't be the man you need me to be.”  Dean’s face had gone pale, and there was a rushing noise in Cas’ ears as his world crumbled around him.

“I don't need you to be anything but _you,_ Cas.  What's going on?”  Dean’s voice was full of worry and pain, and the worst part was it was pain not at Cas’ words, but at not knowing how to help.

“Gabe heard from my father, and I just… I don't know what happened.  It shouldn't bother me like this, none of it should.”  He scrubbed a hand down his face, not realizing how badly he needed to shave.  God, he must look like a mess right now.  Dean blinked up at Cas in shock and confusion.

“Your dad?  Why are you-”

“I don't know, Dean,” he said shortly.  His heart was beating against his ribs, aching fiercely.   “I'm all sorts of fucked up.”  

“Cas-”  He doesn’t want Dean to look at him that way, softly, worried, still trying to love him.  He doesn’t want it, and he feels so much emotion bubbling just below the surface of his skin from seeing it.

“You know, I was jealous of you?”  He doesn’t really mean to sound so angry, it just comes out that way, and he tucks his hands in the pockets of his sweat pants to keep them from shaking.  “Because you have a _mom_ , the type of mom people are supposed to have.  Not one who tried to-”  His voice cuts off, and he’s hardly able to breathe.  “Gabe and Anna know it, know how I can't be fixed.”

“Cas, you're not broken,” Dean started to say, standing to follow him.  Cas shakes his head, scared of the emotion in Dean’s eyes.

“I'm desperate for a connection with a parent that probably wants nothing to do with me. And in the meantime, I'm alienating the only people in my miserable life that have given two shits about me.  Does that seem normal to you?!”  His fists are clenched tightly at his sides.  

“You're going through some shit, Cas, we all do.  Let me help you through it.”  Dean’s voice is worried but soft, and Cas wants to, wants to walk over and take Dean’s offered hand, let him close the distance between them and pull Cas to his chest and tell him everything will be alright.  But he can’t, he can’t do that, because Dean needs to leave.

“I can't.  You’re... you deserve better than me.”  Dean’s small steps towards Cas falter to a stop, and he shakes his head.

“I'm not leaving you.”  It's said with such conviction, such strength, Cas almost believes it.

“You will.  If you see me, see how fucked up I really am…”

“Cas, let’s just talk about this-” Dean’s voice is raising in volume, trying to put a curb on Cas’ panic, but it isn’t working, and Cas feels his grip on himself slipping away.  He can feel his limbs trembling now.

“Talking isn’t going to change anything, I can’t do this.  I can’t stay with you.”

“Why not?  Is it the move?  Because we can work something out.”  Dean managed to close the distance between them to about a foot.  Cas runs a hand through his hair, tugging on it in frustration.

“I can’t give you a family, Dean!” Cas shouts, the damn finally breaking.  “I can’t live with you, get married, adopt kids, the whole fucking American dream.  And you can’t tell me you don’t want it, every fucking time you talk to your brother about the baby I _see_ it, Dean.”  Dean’s scared now, Cas can see it in his frown.

“Cas, we’ve hardly been together for a month-”

“Better to break it off now,” Cas snaps, stepping backwards until the backs of his knees hit the couch, crossing his arms to block himself off from Dean, to try and hide just how _desperately_ he wishes he wasn’t saying these words.  “Better this way, before you get your hopes up.”

“Well that’s not really fucking fair is it?  Doesn’t give us much of a chance.” Dean snaps back.  Cas laughs, but there is no humor in it.

“Yes, please, give me a lecture on how fucking fair life is.  You have _no_ idea, Dean, the cluster fuck my life has been!”  He’s digging his nails into his arms where they’re crossed over his chest, and he can see Dean’s hands ball into fists.

“Because you won’t fucking tell me!  How can I help, or understand if you keep it all bottled up?  I thought you trusted me.”  That word is like a knife in his stomach, and he turns his back on Dean, pacing a few steps away towards the hallway.

“You really want to know?  Huh?  What’s been fucking eating at me?”  

“Yeah, I do.”

“I fucked up my family.   _Me_ .  I’m the reason my dad left, I’m the reason my mom went crazy, I’m the one that screwed up the childhood my siblings were supposed to have.”  He spins on his heel, turning back to Dean as he speaks.  “I walked into that kitchen, and when my mom swung at me, I didn’t even flinch, because I knew I deserved it for ruining her life.  So when I say I can’t give you a family, it’s because I’ll just fuck it up all over again.”  He’s shocked into silence at his own words, a red heat flushed up his neck and cheeks, his chest rising and falling rapidly.  That was the reason, the real reason behind _everything,_ and he’d _just_ figured it out.  He’s suddenly able to remember now, walking in on his mom crying, seeing the knife in her hand… his vision blurs and he squeezes his eyes shut.

“That’s not… Cas…” Dean’s anger fades immediately, and Cas is afraid of any comfort he might offer.  He doesn't deserve it.  He opens his eyes but refuses to look at Dean, staring at the carpet.

“Just leave, Dean.”  He’s getting dizzy, he wants to cry but nothing is coming, just an emptiness inside him, and a feeling like he’s just jumped off a ledge, with no hope of rescue before he strikes the ground below.

“I told you, I’m not leaving you,” Dean repeats, trying to reach out for him.  “I love you,” he pleads.  

“I'm not giving you a choice,” Cas snaps.  At those words Cas turns for the hallway, shaking off Dean’s attempt to grab his arm and rushing to his room, slamming the door behind him with such force his framed picture of his siblings falls off the side of his desk, the quiet tinkle of the glass breaking the final tipping point.  Cas takes a few steps towards his desk but he doesn't make it, his knees buckling and hitting the ground hard.  All he can do is curl up in a ball and drop onto his side, laying there until he slips into unconsciousness.

 

The next few days pass by Cas in a blur.  He climbed up into his bed at some point, spending half his time reliving memories of his life, and the other half waking from the nightmares that sleep brought him.  He's not fully aware of himself, or of anything around him, really.  Every now and then a glass of water and a peanut butter sandwich appear on his night stand, but he doesn't remember if he eats it or not.

…...

_His dad wasn't around much before, barely home at all when Cas was little, or maybe avoiding Cas on purpose.  He has been ‘gone’ gone for a while now, and Gabe said he wasn't coming back this time.  His mother is crying in the kitchen, probably because his dad isn't there.  Six year old Cas has already started to forget him, but he feels bad because his mom feels bad._

_“It's all your fault, Castiel,” she hisses when she sees him.  “You came down and drove my husband away.”  Cas doesn't really understand what's happening, when his mom reaches for the knife.  “Maybe if I damage your body, will you finally leave me?  Stop mocking me and my family, so my husband will come home to me?  Give him back!!”  He sees the knife coming, and he just watches it happen, watches as it slides across his skin, watches the blood bloom red across his shirt, his mother wailing and his sister screaming._

_……_

_Anna is crying, sitting in Gabe’s temporary bed at child services.  Cas can still feel the itch of the scar on his skin under his shirt._

_“I don't want you to go, I don't want-”_

_“Anna, it's only for a couple years.  I promise when I turn 18-”_

_“So I have to live with some stranger for three years?!”  He doesn't know why his sister is upset._

_“No, you have to take care of Cassie for three years.”_

_“I don't want to take care of him I want-” Cas pushes the door open._

_“Gabe, why are you leaving?”  Anna shoots Cas a scared look and runs away.  Gabe gestures for Cas to walk over, taking his six year old brother up in his arms._

_“Remember the lady yesterday, Cas?  The one that came and talked to us?”  He nods.  “Well, she's found some people for me to live with.  She found a family for you and Anna, too, but I can't go with you.”_

_“Why not?” Cas asks.  He's not upset, mostly curious, and Gabe gets a strange look on his face._

_“Because your family only has space for you and Anna.”  Gabe hugs him suddenly.  “But I'll be back for you guys, I promise.”_

_……_

_Anna had met a boy in college, and Cas could hear his siblings arguing about it yet again.  He tried to zone it out, he was attempting to study for his high school senior honors literature class, but this argument was intense._

_“He's two years older than you, Anna, he's already graduated-”_

_“I’m 22, Gabe, I'm not a kid anymore.”_

_“How the hell am I supposed to help you from here if he dumps you, if something happens-”_

_“Maybe let me take care of myself?  Maybe let Cas be his own person?!  You’re about to lose him too, he's moving to Orlando for school.”_

_“I know… Anna I'm trying my best here.”_

_……_

_It's just a couple of weeks before he leaves.  Anna has come back for the last of her things before leaving permanently for North Carolina.  They're in a tattoo shop, all in a row, each of the boys shirtless, Anna wearing a halter top that exposes her back.  The pain isn't as bad as Cas thought it would be, but he watches his siblings wince periodically._

_Once they're back home, they all stand in the mirror, admiring their matching tattoos._

_“I did my best with you two,” Gabe sighs.  “So get out there and kick the world’s ass, make me proud.”_

 ......

 

Cas slowly came back to himself, having no idea how much time had passed, just vaguely aware of how hungry he was, and that he heard singing. He focused in on the singing, letting the melodic sound soothe him.

 _Dean_.

Dean was still here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY T_T
> 
> I'm so nervous about what everyone will think of this chapter, some comments and feedback will REALLY help a lot. Seeing that little number next to my inbox gives me so much happiness. Even if it's criticism, I'll take it!! XD
> 
> As a reward for all the angst *drumroll*................. Dean's POV next chapter!!! XD


	14. Chapter Fourteen- What Happens Now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: Nearly 250+ reads since my last update.... That's just.... mind blown. <3 SPNfamily, you guys are the best of the best.
> 
> I am sooooooooooooooo sorry to not only leave you hanging after that last chapter, but to take so long to update! T-T
> 
> This chapter is quite a bit shorter than the others, but I felt like it needed to be here. It's 100% Dean's POV. It's not too bad as far as warnings go, but we're seeing Cas' fall into depression through Dean's eyes, and I want to make note of it incase people need to prepare themselves.
> 
> This hit me hard, and made me examine things about myself and my life I hadn't really considered before. I put a lot of myself into this chapter, which is probably why it took me so long to get this done to the point I felt good about posting it. I hadn't intended for it to be like that, and it's been both painful and cathartic. And it feels very appropriate that this chapter was written during Jared's "Love Yourself First" campaign.
> 
> So as personal as this is, I hope you guys enjoy it, I hope it all makes sense, and please leave me some feedback.

“Did you see where Cas went?” Dean asked Sam when he got back from bowling his frame.  He wasn’t trying to be one of  _ those  _ boyfriends, but Cas had been hovering close to Dean for comfort most of the night, and he wasn’t there when Dean walked back to the table.  Sam shrugged, looking around the room over the tops of people’s heads.  

“No, sorry.”  Sam and Dean both jumped when Charlie popped up at Dean’s elbow suddenly, pulling him a bit closer so he could hear her over the conversation and the music.

“I just got a text,” she said, showing Dean her phone.  He tried not to panic at the worry on her face.

_ Cas:  Hey, got a bit overwhelmed, didn’t want to bother anyone so caught a cab home.  Tell Dean where I am and I’m okay, and happy birthday. _

“What happened?” he wondered out loud.  Charlie shrugged and placed a comforting hand on his arm.  Cas didn’t want to  _ bother  _ him.  When was Cas going to figure out just how much he meant to Dean?  

“Cas has always been a bit of an introvert,” Sam pointed out, “I’m not surprised that with everyone here in this tiny little space he got a bit frazzled.”  Dean looked around, his mom was talking with Benny, Bobby entertaining the band with some story or another, and Ellen and Jess chatting in the corner.  A couple of the other bartenders from Laffite’s had shown up as well, so basically everyone Dean was close to in Florida was in the room.  The music was loud and the conversation was louder, and Dean suddenly felt like an asshole for not noticing.

“Dammit, I should have thought about that,” he muttered, moving to leave.  Charlie’s grip on his arm tightened, spinning Dean to look at her.

“And how do you think he’d feel if you left your party for him?” she asked, and Dean sighed.  He didn’t care about the party, he just wanted to make sure Cas was okay.  

“It’s not like we can’t do this again sometime, Charlie.”

“Yes, but you know Cas, he’ll blame himself.”  Dean took a few deep breaths.  Yeah, he knew Cas would feel guilty if Dean came home for him, and he reluctantly turned back to the table.   

“Alright Charlie,” he nodded, and Sam saluted him with his beer.  “He’s just- he’s the best thing to happen to me, I don’t wanna screw it up.”  Dean didn’t really mean to say it, but it had been on his mind almost constantly the past month.  Charlie nudged him with her hip, giving him a reassuring smile.

“Come on, Dean, relax a bit.  Cas will probably be waiting for you to get home,” his brother said, giving him a suggestive wink that earned him a slap on the arm from Charlie as he was called over for his turn to bowl.  Dean smiled and took a cleansing breath, watching as Sam bowled another perfect frame, much to the displeasure of the rest of the group on his lane.  

“You know he has a point,” Charlie nudged him with an elbow.  Dean blushed slightly, holding up his beer to Sam as he strutted down from the lane.  Sam waved, moving off for some more food.  He and Sam were _brothers_ again, the warmth in Sam’s smile one of the biggest changes to come from Cas being in Dean’s life.  He owed Cas  _ so much _ , not just because of their relationship, but his relationship with others.  His Dad and Sammy were starting to talk through their problems, Dean was up on stage singing, something he’d always loved but never even considered pursuing for himself, he was  _ happy. _  All because of Cas.  He liked to think Cas felt the same way, that Dean was doing for him even some of what he’d done for Dean, but it was Cas’ nature to keep things close to his chest.  He felt his cheeks flush as his mind wandered to Cas’ “gift” that morning, and Sam and Charlie's innuendos.  Dean told himself Cas wouldn’t have done  _ that _ if he wasn’t completely comfortable around Dean, if he didn’t trust Dean completely.  

He just wished he could trust himself.

His mom drove them back to Dean’s apartment once the party had worn down.  He hadn’t really had that much to drink, but he knew his mom loved driving the Impala, and since she was leaving the next day he let her have the keys.  He found Cas on the couch, sleeping, so calm and peaceful, and Dean’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest.  He’d never get over how beautiful Cas was, never get tired of seeing it.

“I should get him up and in bed,” Dean whispered, moving around the couch.  

“Leave him,” Mary said softly.  “He’s out so deep, let him sleep.”  Dean smiled at her, adoring her for how she was already taking care of Cas even though they’d just met.  He walked back around the couch and gave her a hug.

“Thanks for coming, mom.”  He felt her smile, and when he pulled away she pat his cheek.

“Of course.”  She took the blanket off the back of the couch, covering Cas up carefully.  “I’ve always been proud of you, Dean.  But with this one,” she nodded at Cas, “I think you've done well for yourself.”  Dean flushed with pride.

“I got lucky,” he whispered.  She shook her head, a smirk on her face.

“In my experience there’s no such thing as luck,” she said as she turned for bed.  Dean watched her go, a stunned smile on his face at his mom making a Star Wars reference.  Before he goes to bed, he leans over the back of the couch so he could see Cas’ face.  He lingers for a moment, smiling softly at the sleeping man, his fingers gently brushing his hair off his forehead.

“I love you, Cas.”  He turns and heads to bed, unable to help the giddy feeling in his stomach.

 

Something happened.  Something always fucking happened, Dean had just made himself forget.

Dean didn't know what had changed, or when, but whatever it was had started to affect Cas.  His newfound happiness turned to concern, which morphed into worry.  He couldn’t seem to stop it, either, and watched helplessly as his last hope for love fell apart in front of him.

Cas was pulling away from him.  Not just physically, that Dean could have dealt with easily, had dealt with before.  This time was different, Cas was pulling away emotionally, slipping further and further from Dean, and in spite of his reassurances, his smiles, Dean could see it.  In the small moments before he noticed Dean’s presence, when he thought he was alone, he could see it in Cas’ face.  In the quiet moments, sitting together after dinner on Dean’s days off, or after lunch before Dean left, he could feel the oppressive weight of  _ something _ being on Cas’ mind.  Whatever was wrong, he felt he needed to hide it from Dean, and the secrecy was scaring him.  He had offered to talk about it, but he couldn’t get through to Cas, couldn’t seem to break the new barrier Cas had put up between them.

Even when he got the news about how good his dad was doing, he can’t be happy about it, because when he tries telling Cas, tries again to ask him to talk, Cas gently shuts him down.  He doesn’t want to push Cas, but he’s sick with worry that he’s done something wrong, and he can’t believe Cas’ reassurance when he won’t even  _ look  _ at Dean.  Watching Cas drift away is slowly eating him up inside, making him irritable at work, restless around Sam.  He doesn’t know what to do, and he's starting to feel like him asking if Cas wants to talk is annoying him more than helping.

So he just watches as Cas slips away from him.

Cas stops going to work, and Dean tries to intercede on his behalf with his boss, but he knows there’s only so much they can do without a proper reason for Cas’ absence.  A reason Dean can’t give.  Dean also notices that it’s not just him Cas is avoiding, he hangs up on nearly everyone who calls him; he’s avoiding his siblings, too.  Dean's tempted to call Gabriel, he has his number, but he doesn't really know what to say.  He can't ask Cas’ siblings for help with this, especially when his gut tells him he shouldn't have to.  Dean’s worry is affecting his own performance at work, but he can only fake so many smiles before his face hurts from the effort.  Even Charlie started to give him a wide berth at work, and Dean was too distracted to care.

When Cas’ night terrors start, it physically hurts Dean too much to watch Cas suffer.  At first, he tried to comfort Cas in his sleep, tried to wake him and offer some relief, but nothing he did seemed to help at all.  As much as he hates it, he starts to sleep in his old room, unable to share the bed with Cas anymore.  He couldn’t watch Cas be in that much pain when there was nothing Cas would let him do about it.  

Dean’s world falls out from under him at 5:30am on some random Wednesday.

Cas is breaking up with him.

He’s shouting something about how he can’t give Dean a family, something about his dad and how he screwed things up but Dean can’t understand anything more than Cas wants him to leave.  He doesn’t listen to a word Dean tries to say back, as he pleads for Cas to just talk to him, to let him help.

_ “Just leave, Dean.” _

This wasn't happening.

_ No, no, no. _

Not after he'd been changed so much, not after being around Cas made him the man he'd always wished he could be.  Not after he'd watched Cas grow and bloom and he was using flower metaphors but he didn't fucking care.

Dean thought he'd been through pain when Cas left for England, thought that watching Cas leave then hurt.  That was nothing compared to the pain in his chest now.  

He felt the apartment shake when Cas slammed the door.  He manages to walk forward until he's standing outside that door, staring at the white painted surface, wondering what's happening on the other side.  

_ What the fuck do I do now? _

Dean cleans the apartment as he tries to piece together how quickly their lives seemed to have fallen apart.  He’s packing still, the move into Sam’s house was coming up soon, and maybe out of hope or stubbornness, he continued to pack like it was still going to happen, like Cas wasn’t currently shut away in his room and hadn’t just tried to break up with Dean.  He's not leaving, regardless of what Cas says, if Cas wants to think they've split then he can think it.  Dean won't let it become truth.

After there’s nothing much left for him to do, he cautiously knocks on Cas’ door.  He doesn’t get a response and he doesn’t really expect to.  He opens the door slowly, beyond thankful it wasn’t locked, to find Cas had curled up on the floor, knees hugged tightly to his chest.  Dean stepped inside the room slowly.

“Cas?” he called gently.  No response.  He walk up next to Cas, kneeling and gently touching his shoulder.  “Cas?”  Still nothing, Cas’ eyes are shut tight.  “Why don’t you get in bed, at least?”  Nothing.  Dean swallows the helpless feeling swelling in his gut, bracing himself and gently lifting Cas up.  He’s dead weight in Dean’s arms, but he manages to get him up and into bed.  As soon as he sets Cas down Cas curls back up into a ball, still no sign he even knows Dean is in the room.  He tries not to feel defeated as he walks away, leaving Cas be for the moment.

He’s utterly and totally lost.  His whole life he’s been the one taking care of people, his brother, his mom, his friends, and now Cas.  How does he take care of someone who doesn’t want to be taken care of?  Someone who won’t let him no matter how hard he tries?   Maybe he overestimated how much Cas trusted him, because if he’d trusted Dean more, maybe he’d have talked about this before it had gotten to this point.  Maybe he’d done something to make Cas believe he couldn’t trust Dean with whatever had happened.  He refuses to give up on Cas, but he has no idea how to move forward.  

He manages a meager lunch, and surprising himself he also manages to avoid the bottle of whiskey in his cupboard, instead walking over to the couch and turning on crap television.  

 

Dean's surprised he even fell asleep, but he wakes up on the couch before the sun the next morning, stiff and sore, turning off whatever was on the TV.  The first thing he does is peek into Cas’ room, and it doesn't look like Cas has moved at all.  Dean makes his way out into the kitchen and starts up the coffee, pouring himself some cereal and eating it dry, not really hungry, just needing something in his stomach other than his guilt.  He's supposed to work that night, but there's no way he's leaving the apartment while Cas is like this, not for anything.  He pulls his phone off the charger in the kitchen, dialing Benny.

“This is Benny,” his creole drawl comes over the line.

“Benny, hey, it's Dean.”  His voice is calm, apparently he has more self control than he thought.

“What can I do you for?”

“Listen, I'm uh, not gonna make it to work tonight.”  There's a heavy pause.  Dean’s never called in to work a day in his life, and Benny knows it.  Benny may be his boss, but he was also his friend.

“Anything I can do?” he asked quietly.  He hadn’t been worried at all about getting grief from Benny, but Dean still sighed in a small bit of relief.

“Nah, man.  I just… I might need a few days.”  He's hoping Benny doesn't ask him to explain, and thankfully he doesn't.

“Alright, brother, you take it easy now.  I'll figure somethin’ out.” 

“Thanks Benny,” Dean sighed, hanging up.  He finished his cup of coffee and walked down to the bedroom again.  “Cas?” he called softly before opening the door.  He pauses and hears the heavy breathing of sleep.  It gave Dean some comfort that, even though he might have another nightmare, at least Cas was able to sleep.  He picked up the laundry, just for something to do, and noticed Cas’ picture of his siblings had fallen off the desk.  He picked it up, the glass cover of the frame broken into three pieces.  Dean carefully avoids thinking about the broken glad metaphor, tossing the pieces in the trash and pulling out the half full bag to take out with him.  He slid the picture gently into one of the desk drawers to protect it before Cas got a new frame.

Dean put the wash in, did what little dishes they had, then with nothing else to do made a peanut butter sandwich for Cas.  He wasn't sure if Cas would eat it, but he had to try.  He poured out a glass of water and carried them down to Cas’ room.  He nudged the door open, walking up to the bedside table and putting the sandwich down where Cas would see it.

“Cas?  You hungry?”  No response.  He wanted nothing more but to crawl into bed with him, wrap him up in his arms and hold him till this all passed, but it was Dean who needed the comfort of touch more than Cas did.  Cas’ natural aversion to touch had resurfaced in the past weeks, and Dean didn’t want to push him, to do anything that might make this worse.  Dean swallowed down his emotion, gently running his fingers over Cas’ shoulder briefly before turning and walking away.

He was in the process of switching the laundry from the washer to the dryer when his phone rang.  It was his Star Wars ringtone, which meant it was Charlie calling.

“Hey, Charlie.”

“Dean!  Are you okay?  Benny said you weren’t coming in for work.”  She sounded slightly frantic, and even with all the crap going down between him and Cas, he managed a small smile at her concern.  

“Charlie, I’m alright,” he sighed.  “It’s Cas he’s, uh, a little under the weather.”  Dean doesn’t want to raise any questions he can’t answer, so he settles for a half truth.

“Oh no!  Flu?”  Dean looks over his shoulder at the hallway.

“Something like that,” he lies gently.  

“I can swing by with some soup and nerdy comfort movies,” Charlie offered.

“Nah, we’re alright,” Dean insisted.  “He’s probably going to just sleep this off,”  _ I hope.  _

“Okay, just let me know if you guys need anything, alright?  Promise?”  

“Of course, Charlie,” Dean said, hanging up the phone after saying goodbye.  He started the dryer, wandering out into the living room and flopping down on the couch, scrubbing a hand over his face and trying to figure out what he should do next.  All his helpful brain kept coming up with was  _ help Cas,  _ it just kept conveniently leaving out the  _ how  _ part of it.  He’d told Cas more times than he could count over the past month that he was right there, that if Cas wanted to talk Dean would listen.  Almost every single time, he felt Cas getting further and further away, like his words were doing more harm than good.  He hears the beep signalling the hour was up and the clothes were done in the dryer, but doesn’t move to get them.  Instead he walks down the hallway to his old bathroom, turning on the water to scalding and stripping down.  He steps under the stream and just stands there, trying to clear his mind and let the water wash away his worry.  

He leans heavily against the tile wall, nearly collapsing under the weight of his emotions when he realizes it’s  _ not working _ .  His dad’s neglect, his mom’s grief, Sam’s worries and troubles, Dean had carried them all his entire life, because he’d been able to take all the bad, clear it from his mind, and wash it away.

When it comes to Cas, he can’t even do that much.

He gives up when the water goes cold, toweling off and redressing in clean sweats and an old shirt.  He walks over to the dryer, and as he starts to pull out the clothes, he realizes most of the wash was made up of Cas’ button ups.  After sitting in the dryer for who knows how long, they’d wrinkled awfully.  

The air is forced from his lungs.

It’s stupid, the guilt he feels, but Dean’s angry with himself for wrinkling Cas’ shirts and he feels the anger turn into hot wetness behind his eyes and  _ fuck  _ he can’t do this anymore.  He stumbles back over to the couch, dropping heavily and fumbling with his phone.  He holds it up to his ear as it rings.

“Hey, Dean, what's up?”  Sam's voice is cautious, and he wonders how much Charlie and Sam have been talking recently.

“I…”  He stumbles at the words, because in his entire life, he's never said them to anyone,  _ especially  _ Sam.  Sam who he'd been strong for, been a father to.  Sam who he'd never told about how unfulfilling his life was after he left home at 18, how he'd spent all those years wishing his visits back home had been permanent.  Sam who went to college half a country away, shaking Dean into realizing just how tired he was of his empty life.  

Sam who’d introduced him to Cas, who had in turn showed Dean how truly lonely he was.  

“Dean?” 

“Yeah, I’m still here,” he sighed, pulling himself out of his thoughts.  

“What's going on?” Sam asked gently.  Dean took a deep breath, bracing himself.

“I need help, Sammy.”  

 

It's hardly been twenty minutes and Dean is opening the door for Sam, avoiding his brother’s gaze completely.  Sam’s movements seem a little awkward, too, setting a slice of pie down on the table with a plastic fork.

“Picked this up from Publix,” Sam said quietly.  “I know it's not homemade, but you know how I am around an oven.”  Dean sank into the chair, pulling the apple pie towards him, popping the plastic lid and picking off a few tiny bites.  Sam sat at the chair across from him, and even without looking Dean could see the pinched brow and puppy eyes his brother had to be wearing.

“Sam, I… I don't know what to do,” Dean sighed after a few minutes.  “And I'm desperate here, man.”  He swallows, his tongue seeming unnaturally thick.  “It’s- it's Cas.  He um...”  Sam shifted in his seat, leaning back in the chair so he was side on to Dean.

“Did you guys split?”  Sam saying it made it a little too real for Dean, and he had to take a few deep breaths before he could talk.

“He tried to.  He's slipped into this… depression, I guess.  Won't move, won't eat, won't...”  Dean feels exposed, but Sam’s carefully keeping his gaze focused on the couch, not on Dean.  Dean realized his brother knows him better than he gives him credit for.

“He’s been a little… off the past couple times I've seen him,” Sam pointed out.  “What do you think triggered it?”  Dean’s gaze is focused on the half eaten pie, but he's not really seeing it.

“I don't know what happened, he started to push me away and now he's just- just, shut down.  I talk to him and I don't even know if he knows I'm there.”  

“Dean, I’m-”

“Don’t say sorry,” Dean urged, and he can feel the pain in his voice.  Sam nods.

“So, he didn't tell you what happened?” Sam asked instead.  Dean shook his head.  There were a few beats of silence.

“He told me to leave.”  Dean was glad his brother wasn't really looking at him, giving Dean the privacy of breaking down without Sam’s pitying eyes.

“Did he have a reason?”  Sam's voice was calm, probably part of his pre-law training kicking in.  Dean worries at his bottom lip with his teeth.

“He said- he said he couldn't give me a family.  That we couldn't,” Dean’s voice cracks, his grip on himself faltering.  “He said something about blaming himself for screwing up his family, I didn’t even understand half of what he was shouting.”  Sam shifted in his chair, and Dean had never felt so  _ vulnerable,  _ but part of him knew he needed it.

“I,” Sam cleared his throat, “I don't know much about Cas’ past.  He doesn't talk about it, and I didn't ask.  So really, I don't know what to say about that,” Sam sighed.  “I do know that since you met him, you have been the happiest I have seen you in your entire life.”  Dean felt a surge of emotion well up in him.

“If I lose him, if this gets fucked up, Sam I… I don't know… I-” he loses the battle with himself, hot tears flowing down his cheeks as he crumbles in front of his little brother.  For the first time in his  _ life  _ he's letting Sam see him weak, letting Sam see he wasn't as strong as he wished he could be.  “Sorry.  Shit Sam, I'm sorry,” he mutters, turning his face away and burying it in his hands.

“Dean,” Sam sounds annoyed, but his voice is full of warmth, like the hand resting on Dean’s shoulder.  Sam had moved to the seat next to him.  “You've been taking care of me since I was in diapers.  Let me return the favor for once.”  Dean wipes futilely at his face, and when Sam leans across the table and wraps Dean up in a bear hug, he's overwhelmed with another wave of emotion, and he sobs into his brother’s oversized shoulder.  “You don't have to be strong all the time.  You're allowed to lean on people.  Me, Charlie, mom…”   _ Cas  _ goes unsaid, and Dean’s mind is drawn back to a memory.  

_ Finding out his dad was dying, and how much it had hurt, and then Cas showing up in his bedroom to help. _  Cas, who still really knew nothing about Dean, who had barely cracked his shell to let Dean in as a friend, had held him while he cried his first tears in  _ years _ .  He didn't know then, just how quickly he'd fall in love with him, how quickly he'd come to  _ needing  _ him in his life.

“What do I do?” he choked out when Sam pulled away.  “I can't help if he won't let me.”  Sam seemed to think for a moment.

“You remember my eighth birthday?” Sam asked.  Dean thought back over the years, and it hit him hard.

“It was the first one dad missed,” he said quietly.  Sam nodded. 

“He had been drinking for a while, but I think that day… that was when it finally sunk in for me what was happening.  And I was so angry, and upset, I think I even shouted at mom.”

“I remember,” Dean nodded.

“That night, you didn't yell at me for being rude to mom, you didn't tell me some lie about dad to make me feel better.  Hell, you were 12, I'm not even sure you knew what the hell you were doing.  But you grabbed mom’s guitar, even though it was too big for you, and one chord at a time, you sang me ‘Hey Jude’.”  Dean felt his cheeks flush at the memory.  

“You're saying I should sing to Cas?” he muttered.  Sam shrugged.

“Not necessarily.  Sometimes, it's not words that a person needs.  Sometimes it's just a presence, just knowing someone is physically there, no talking required.”  He stood, giving Dean an encouraging smile.  “I know you don't do the touchy feely crap, Dean, but I've seen how in love with him you are.  And I've seen how much he loves you.  I have faith in you two.”  A totally different emotion welled up in Dean.  He'd be lying if he said that having not only Sam’s approval in his choice of Cas, but knowing he has  _ faith  _ in them, didn't fill him with a little pride.  Enough pride to unravel some of his worry.  

Enough to make him realize Sam was right.  He didn’t need to  _ do  _ anything for Cas.  The anxiety leaves his chest, replaced by determination.

“Thanks Sammy,” Dean said sincerely.  

“Anytime, jerk,” Sam smirks.  Dean  _ almost  _ laughs.

“Who knew you’d be so wise for your young years,” Dean teased.  Sam shrugged.

“I had a good role model.”  Dean flushed, and he realized what time of the afternoon it was as he walked Sam to the door.  

“Shit!  Are you missing class?” he asked.  Sam chuckled.

“Art history, no big,” he waved off Dean’s concern as he walked away.  Dean felt himself smiling, small, but a smile none the less, shutting the door and turning back to the quiet apartment, setting his shoulders.  Quickly polishing off the rest of the pie, he washed his hands and set about putting a plan into motion.  It was cheesy, a tiny bit desperate, and he had no idea if it would work, but he had a plan and that was better than nothing. 

He made his way back to the dryer, grabbing the half unloaded laundry and filling the basket with the rest.  He walked into Cas’ room, noticing with a small sigh of relief that most of the sandwich was gone, along with the glass of water.  He moved to the closet, hanging up the slightly wrinkled clothes, figuring he'd iron them for Cas later.  He grabbed the plate and cup, returning to the kitchen and pouring another glass of water for Cas and dropping it off.  Dean walked over to his room, searching in his old closet and smiling when he found what he was looking for.  He settled in on the floor in Cas’ room, much like Cas had for him months ago, leaning against the wall and situating his guitar on his lap.  He tunes up the strings, strumming a few times to get the feel of playing in this position.

“Cas,” he called , “I don't know if you're listening, if you want to listen, or what.  I uh, I know you've got your reasons for what's happening between us.  I don't blame you, I'm not angry, or upset.  It’s okay.  I'm here, and I'll always be here.”  He was greeted with the usual silence, but this time it didn't hurt as much, it wasn't as oppressive.  He couldn't explain it, why the moment with Sam had helped as much as it did, but as Dean strummed out an intro on his guitar, he stopped thinking about it.  Focusing in on the music, filling his heart with happy memories of Cas, he sang into the room.

 

_ Carry on my wayward son _

_ There'll be peace when you are done _

_ Lay your weary head to rest  _

_ Don't you cry no more _

 

He had come up with this version, a slower more melodic one, to sing to Sammy.  Mostly because when he'd learned the song he wasn't that great at playing guitar yet, so it was slower naturally, and he'd liked the sound of it.  He'd even performed this version at the bar a few times.  The words just called to Dean, like they were the words he needed to say, and that Cas needed to hear.  He hoped they'd be enough.

 

_ Once I rose above the noise and confusion _

_ Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion _

_ I was soaring ever higher _

_ But I flew too high _

_ Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man _

_ Though my mind could think I still was a mad man _

_ I hear the voices when I'm dreaming  _

_ I can hear them say _

 

_ Carry on my wayward son _

_ There'll be peace when you are done  _

_ Lay your weary head to rest _

_ Don't you cry no more _

 

_ Masquerading as a man with a reason  _

_ My charade is the event of the season _

_ And if I claim to be a wise man, well _

_ It surely means that I don't know _

_ On a stormy sea of moving emotion _

_ Tossed about, I'm like a ship on the ocean _

_ I set a course for winds of fortune, _

_ But I hear the voices say _ __   
  


_ Carry on my wayward son _

_ There'll be peace when you are done _

_ Lay your weary head to rest _

_ Don't you cry no more _ __   
  


_ Carry on, _

_ You will always remember _

_ Carry on, _

_ Nothing equals the splendor _

_ Now your life's no longer empty _

_ Surely heaven waits for you _ __   
  


_ Carry on my wayward son _

_ There'll be peace when you are done _

_ Lay your weary head to rest _

_ Don't you cry no more _

 

Dean set the guitar aside after a little more mindless doodling around, tucking his knees up to rest his head against his knees.  He didn't know what else to do, other than sit there and wait, and hope that when Cas came out the other side of this, he's still willing to let Dean be a part of his life.  Dean knows he'll never stop loving Cas, that even if Dean himself is not ready to make it official, Cas is  _ it _ for him.  If Cas can't see that with Dean, if he was really serious about all those things he said, then Dean would be there as his friend.  He would take care of Cas as long as Cas would let him, in whatever way he could.  As he waits, head on his knees, heart clinging to hope, he drifts off to sleep.

 

 

_ He's at his parent’s house, the one they lived in before his dad split.  His mom is standing in the doorway waving, but she looks how she does now, slightly greyer and more wrinkles around her eyes.  His dad walks up behind her, his hand on her waist and a smile on his face, strong and proud, not sick and pale.  He grins, and moves to walk towards them, but there's something holding him back.  He turns and looks. _

_ A girl, no more than five, is clutching into his hand like a lifeline, her eyes full of trust and wonder as she looks at him.  Dean kneels, wrapping her up in a hug, an understanding that this was his daughter washing through him, almost overwhelming in its beauty.  He feels a hand on his shoulder, and when he looks up Cas is there, holding a little boy in one arm, his tiny fist clutching onto Cas’ shirt collar.  Cas smiles warmly at Dean, gently nudging his shoulder again. _

_ “Dean…”  Dean opens his mouth to answer but nothing comes out.  The light in the dream is fading too. _

_ “Dean.”  The voice is getting stronger.  But Cas was fading… _

 

 

“Dean?”  He finally wakes up, lifting his head to see Cas kneeling in front of him.  For a moment the fuzzy dream happiness remains, and Dean feels the smile on his face.  Cas reaches out, wiping briefly at the tear Dean didn't realize was on his cheek. 

Then the last two days come crashing down over his shoulders.

“Cas?!”  He's fully awake now, and he rubs the rest of the sleep out of his eyes.  “Cas, hey!  Sorry, I nodded off.”  Cas doesn't smile, but his eyes aren't distant and cold like they were before.

“You're going to be sore, you should get up off the floor,” he says, standing up.  Dean scrambles to his feet as Cas turns for the bathroom.

“Cas, wait.”  Cas stops, turning slowly to face Dean.  There's so much he wants to tell him, so much he wants to say to make him understand he's not going anywhere, how guilty he feels for how little he was able to help, but before he can say any of it, Cas’ head tilts to the side, the briefest shadow of a smile touching his eyes.

“I understand, Dean.  Thank you.”  Relief nearly knocks Dean off his feet.  Cas runs a hand absently over his own cheek, frowning slightly at the stubble taking over his face.  “I'm going to shower,” he announced, walking into the bathroom.

The tiny glimmer of hope in Dean’s chest expanded, and Dean would be damned if he let it get so close to going out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay! Did everyone like the "broment"? XD I feel like I need some more Sam in this fic, and hopefully after this next chapter we'll get a whole bunch :D
> 
> Alright, back to Cas next, and hopefully after the next chapter we'll be climbing out of this pit and into some fluffy new house, new lease on life domesticity! Leave me some comments, guys, you know I'll answer all of them!


	15. Chapter Fifteen- The Sun Will Come Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sorry this took me so long, I don't mean to abandon you but my beta is working hard with school and I don't want to add to their stress. Hope this helps you recover from the last two chapters!!! Back to Cas' POV.

The shower felt good. It made Cas feel human again. He scrubbed his skin till it was tinged pink, washing his hair thoroughly, his nails scraping along his scalp gently. It was an amazing relief to know he hadn’t been dreaming last night, that when he noticed the guitar on his floor, he really had heard Dean singing to him. He practically begged Dean to leave, and not only had Dean stayed, he’d attempted to keep taking care of him when he wouldn’t do it himself. He still couldn’t believe Dean cared that much about him, but he was coming to find that his disbelief didn’t make it any less true. When he stepped out of the water, he wrapped up in a towel and stopped at the sink. His eyes were heavy from oversleep, and he was well on his way to a full beard, but there was little outward change to mark the time he’d lost. Lathering up with shaving cream, he began shaving away the multiple days worth of facial hair that had bloomed across his face. His skin felt beautifully relieved, every scrape of the razor down his cheek cleansing in it’s own way.

He'd done a lot of thinking the past couple days, more than he’d done in years.

  
He’d been thinking about things he'd ignored since he was a child, emotions he'd tucked away in dark corners instead of dealing with them. They had sprung to the surface all at once, and he’d drowned in them. Sessions he'd had with psychiatrists that he'd blocked out completely coming up to be reexamined as an adult; talking about his parents, about what had happened to him, about his life afterwards. He thought about his siblings, looking at their life from a new perspective. Now he understood Gabe’s hesitation to let him go. He could understand Anna’s concern about how he dealt with things. He knew now they'd just done their best in a bad situation, and that he didn’t really make things easy on them.

  
It was funny how different things looked after you grew up.

  
Those thoughts had taken him to a dark place, the worst pit of his own mind had reached up and swallowed him. He’d wallowed in that pain, welcoming it, letting it control him, until a brief light had drawn his attention out of those dark thoughts and focused it on something else. He’d been sleeping, and in his dream, he’d seen Dean. Just driving the Impala down the empty highway, like he’d looked on their road trip, wind in his hair, relaxed smiled on his face. A warmth he never thought he’d feel again had bloomed in his chest, and he’d started to claw his way out of that hole. He may never feel worthy of Dean’s love, but in the end _Dean_ thought he was worthy. So he clung to that thought, that glimmer of hope, and finally started to break free of the pain.

  
In the end, Dean had saved him, without even doing a thing.

  
He walked out of the bathroom still wrapped in his towel to find some clothes laid out on the bed for him; a clean tee shirt, boxers, and basketball shorts. A little more warmth crept into his heart at the sight, and he got dressed, walking out of his room into the living room. Dean had set out some toast, a banana, and a glass of orange juice, standing in the kitchen near the coffee pot. The smell of the fresh coffee helped clear some of the remaining fog from his mind, and he gravitated to the counter where Dean was watching him cautiously.

  
“I fixed you a cup. If you're hungry I can add some eggs to your breakfast.” Cas took the coffee gently, walking over to the table to eat.

  
“This is fine. Thank you, Dean.” He ate a few bites of banana, Dean still hovering in the kitchen like he didn’t know what to do with himself. Cas felt an amused look cross his face as he gestured at the other dining chairs. “You can sit with me, Dean, if you want.” Dean nodded and quickly shuffled to the chair across from Cas, awkwardly clinging to his coffee cup.

  
“How, uh, how are you feeling?” Dean asked cautiously. Cas took a sip of juice, regarding Dean closely, admiring his beauty with what felt like new eyes. His eyes seemed a brighter green, his freckles more pronounced, and the naked emotion in his face took Cas’ breath away.

  
“I'm getting better,” Cas said simply. Dean’s fingers twitched against his cup.

  
“You scared me.” The guilt that Cas felt at those words wasn’t new, but instead of sticking it in a corner and ignoring it like he always used to, this time he accepted it, took it in and felt it instead of pushing it away. He had to consciously choose to relax his face, to let himself show Dean how he was feeling. He needed to let Dean see it because with that guilt came the admiration and adoration he felt for Dean, for what he'd done for Cas just by staying.

  
“The things I said... I meant them at the time. I didn't want you here anymore. I was desperate, scared, and I wanted to push you away. So I’m sorry for that, and… thanks for not listening, I guess.” Dean’s jaw tensed, his cheeks flushing a pretty pink.

  
“I could never leave you, especially like that,” Dean said simply. His eyes lit up like he'd had an epiphany. “You said you meant them at the time… Does that mean that now- that you… don't?” Cas ate a bite of toast before speaking again.

  
“I don't,” he said steadily, confidently. Dean immediately relaxed, all the tension going out of his body.

  
“I'm glad to hear it,” he chuckled breathily. They sat in a comfortable silence as Cas finished eating, Dean’s leg nudging Cas’ under the table gently. Cas took his last sip of coffee, leaning back heavily in his chair.

  
“I know you want to talk about this, about us and what happened to me. And I want to talk about it with you, but I think… I think I need to speak to my brother first.” He raised his eyes to Dean, and he was relieved to see Dean’s easy nod.

  
“There's no hurry, Cas. When you're ready, you just let me know.” Dean's voice was confident, determined, and Cas let himself be soothed by the comfort it offered. Cas stood, carrying his dishes out to the sink, and wasn't surprised that Dean followed him. He tried to be annoyed at Dean’s new over protectiveness, but couldn't manage anything other than affection. He reached out to him, running his fingers gently over Dean’s right cheek. He felt the corner of his mouth turn up into a smile at the sheer relief in Dean’s face.  
“Will we be okay?” he asked sheepishly. Cas slid his hand down to run along the back of Dean’s neck, giving him a gentle squeeze.

  
“I think we will.”

 

He convinced Dean to leave the apartment for a little while, mostly because they were out of groceries, but in part so he could talk to his brother alone. Dean had made him promise to call if he needed anything about six times before he finally let Cas shoo him out the door. Cas wandered down the hall to his room, turning his phone back on. It had shut off at some point, or maybe he had turned it off, he didn’t really remember, but it was on it’s charger, and he knew he had Dean to thank for that. He had alerts for twenty-seven missed calls and sixteen texts, but he ignored them for now. He pulled up his contacts, and his thumb hovered over the phone button next to Gabe’s name for a while.

  
The guilt that sent him into the spiral in the first place threatened to overcome him again. His brother had given up the better part of his life to take care of Cas, and here Cas was again screwing up a good thing. He also knew that once he told his brother what happened, it would never be unsaid. Gabe would always know Cas had been this weak, had crumbled and fallen. His logical brain knew his brother would be supportive, but a part of him was still nervous about opening up to someone who's opinion mattered so much. His finger hovered shaking over the phone icon, one last bit of hesitation before he finally pressed it.

  
It rang once.

  
“Cas? The hell, why haven't you been answering my calls?” Cas was relieved to hear his brother’s voice, even if he was yelling at him.

  
“Sorry, Gabe, I didn’t- I wasn’t trying to scare you. I just… something happened, and I had to figure some things out.” The moment he started speaking, he could feel the shift in his brother’s attitude.

  
“Are you okay? Talk to me bro.”

  
“I um, I slipped into a bit of a depression. Haven’t really been fully conscious for a couple days.” Cas heard movement on Gabe’s end of the line, and then the background noise on his call disappeared.

  
“What happened?” Gabe asked, suddenly soft and gentle. Cas took a deep breath, trying to find the words to explain what had happened to him.

  
“I'm not sure, to be honest, it all kinda happened so fast. I, um… I think I finally figured out what all those years of therapy tried to tell me.”

  
“Cas…”

  
“Just… Let me get this out, okay?” Cas knew he sounded vulnerable, knew that Gabe could hear it. It was something he needed to get used to, other people seeing his thoughts and his feelings. “I know you and Anna always thought it was weird, that after what happened with mom I was just able to keep going. To act like I was just fine, even if I was a bit of a strange introvert.”

  
“Strange is one way to put it,” Gabe mumbled in jest. Cas pressed on, skimming over it with a half smile.

  
“When you mentioned dad… I don't know, something _happened_. Like, there was this place in my head where I'd been keeping all those feelings you and Anna were expecting me to feel. Anger, fear, guilt, confusion… I'd been packing it all away in this box since I was 5.”

  
“Cassie’s box, huh. Not quite as fun as Pandora’s I'm sure-”

  
“Gabe,” Cas sighed. His brother cleared his throat.

  
“Sorry, Cas.”

  
“I know, it's your coping mechanism. You try to make people laugh to diffuse tension. Just, could you wait till I'm done?” Gabe huffed a small laugh.

  
“There's the Cas I know and love. Calling me out on my shit.” Cas couldn't help it, he smiled briefly before he continued.

  
“So when dad was suddenly back in the equation, the box just sort of burst. I got lost in every dark thought I'd ever had. I- I tried to break up with Dean.”

  
“You ‘tried’?”

  
“He uh,” Cas blushed, “he wouldn't leave.”

  
“Good man,” Gabe jested, but Cas could hear the relief.

  
“I'm not sure why,” Cas sighed. “I was a mess, all I could think about was guilt. Most of it having to do with me blaming myself for how our family fell apart.”

  
“Cas- c’mon you know you had nothing to do with _any_ of that.”

  
“Doesn't mean I didn't feel it. When I was born mom’s psychosis was triggered. Because of mom’s condition dad left. Because dad left mom broke and… and because of that you had to raise me and Anna…it all started with me, Gabe, all of it” He doesn't stop himself from crying, he lets the tears fall, lets himself feel it.

  
“Cas, none of that shit was your fault. _None_ of it, you understand?” Gabe nearly shouted. Cas knew his frustration wasn’t with him, and didn’t get defensive at Gabe’s tone. “Mom’s condition was deteriorating before you were born, and dad- dad had never been the best father, he just sat back and let mom do all the parenting crap. He was going to leave, Cas, before mom got pregnant. There's nothing you or I or anyone could do to stop him. And as for me,” Gabe paused, his own voice thick with emotion, and Cas realized he'd never seen or heard Gabe get this close to crying before. “Being there for you and Anna, that wasn't a burden or a chore. You two are family, and I am- I was fucking lucky to have the two of you.” Cas chuckled through his tears.

  
“Even when Anna went through that punk phase?”

  
“That lasted, what, a month? Two? I could totally handle it. Not to mention how easy you were to deal with. I had to beg you not to do your homework.” They both were laughing, Cas through tears and Gabe’s with a tremor in it. Cas waited till they'd both gotten a hold of themselves.

  
“I'm not sure that guilt, the way I feel about what happened to us, will ever go away, Gabe.”

  
“I know, Cas. It's because you have a good soul. You want to take the blame so you can say ‘I’m sorry’ and have it mean something.” Gabe's insight stunned Cas. He knew his brother was more than the quick witted goof off he pretended to be, but that really struck home for him. His metaphorical lightbulb finally went off.

  
“I know what I want to say to dad.”

  
“Yeah?” Gabe didn't seem frustrated Cas had brought him up, all Cas could hear was curiosity.

  
“Yeah. I just… I need to say it to him, alone.” He could see his brother’s brain processing and held his breath until he answered.

  
“Alright. I'll keep in contact with him, try and figure him out. Maybe someday, okay?”

  
“Yeah, okay.” They talked for a little while longer about Gabe’s business doing much better than anticipated, and about Anna’s wedding being pushed back to May because of scheduling issues. Cas had been right, calling his brother first was the right thing to do, because he was feeling worlds better than he was before. Cas promised Gabe he'd call Anna the next day and hung up, walking down the hall to help Dean when he heard the front door open and close.

  
He ended up just leaning on the wall by the hallway exit, watching Dean moving around the kitchen. There was so much he wanted to say to him, so many things he wanted to thank him for, but words would never be enough. There were no words that could describe how Castiel felt every time he looked into his eyes and saw the unwavering devotion, the silent promise to be there come hell or high water. So instead Cas just watched until Dean finished with the groceries, tucking away their reusable bags. He caught Cas watching him as he turned.

  
“How’d the talk with your brother go?” he asked, a smile on his face. Cas walked out to the kitchen, his hands tucked in his pockets.

  
“Good. Real good.” Cas leaned on the counter. “I'm feeling better now.” Dean smiled at him warmly.

  
“That's good to hear, Cas.” He moved over to the fridge, pulling out their Brita pitcher and pouring Cas a glass of water. Cas sipped at it a few times before setting on the counter.

  
“I'm sorry, Dean.” Cas raised a hand to cut off Dean’s reply. Dean just frowned but stayed quiet. “Don't say I have nothing to be sorry for. You tried so hard to talk to me, to help me before it got too bad, and I didn't let you. I was afraid.” Dean stepped closer to him, and Cas worried at his lip.

  
“Afraid of what?” Dean asked in a whisper. Cas hopped up to sit on the counter, bracing himself to open up one more time.

  
Cas explained his guilt to Dean, how he felt about his family, how every sad event in their early lives he'd believed, and in some ways still believed, was his fault. The words tumbled out easily, even more so than with Gabe, to Cas’ surprise. He had to go into more detail for Dean, more backstory and circumstances, leading him all the way through Cas’ childhood. When he was finished, Dean had unconsciously moved in between his knees, not quite leaning on him but pretty close, and Cas got lost in his green eyes as he spoke, taking comfort in them. When he'd gotten as far as college he stopped, because Dean already knew the rest. Dean processed everything for a moment before he spoke.

  
“Why did that make you afraid of being with me?” Cas blinked at Dean in confusion.

  
“Because if I got close enough to you, if we have a- a family, I am bound to ruin it. If you want kids… My mistrust and worry did a pretty good job of screwing this up already. I couldn't handle be- becoming _my_ dad.” Dean took the last step into Cas’ space, looking up at him where he sat on the counter.

  
“Cas, family is a long way off for us, and it's not set in stone, either.” Cas felt his throat tightening, his fear about having a family conflicting with his need to be with Dean.

  
“It’s not fair to you, Dean. To be with you when there’s a chance I’ll never…”

  
“I want to be with you. You are all that matters to me right now.”

  
“But you want-”

  
“You, Cas. That's all. All your flaws, mistakes, smiles, bad jokes, sarcasm… everything. I just want _you_. The rest we’ll figure out along the way.” Cas nearly sobbed in relief as he slumped forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean’s shoulders. Dean’s arms slipped around his waist, holding him close as Cas took in his warmth, his scent, the feel of him under his hands, everything that made Dean, Dean. He felt weird thinking in terms of possession, but he knew in that moment he was Dean’s, that every part of his life from then on wasn't just his, but also belonged to the man holding him tight.

  
“Thank you,” he gasped into Dean’s shoulder.

  
“Always, my angel.” _My angel_. Cas couldn't stop his smile.

 

  
The rest of the day was spent in a lazy haze, Cas curled up against Dean on the couch as they watched Star Wars from Episode IV to Episode VI. The only activity out of either of them was Dean getting up to make them lunch and dinner, resuming his position on the couch once they were done eating each time. By the time the last movie was finished, Cas was starting to get sleepy again, in spite of the overabundance of sleep he’d had the past couple days. He watched Dean doing the dishes over the back of the couch, noticing how content Dean looked as he worked, and Cas knew someday Dean would love to have a huge kitchen of his own.

  
That’s when Cas remembered the move.

  
And the fact that he didn’t have a job anymore.

  
Reality sunk in quickly.

  
“I’ll find another job before we move in with Sam,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to make life harder on everyone when we move.” Dean spun to look at Cas.

  
“You still want to move?” Dean asked.

  
“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” As soon as Cas asked, he realized why Dean might have thought he’d changed his mind. Dean fidgeted with the dish towel nervously.

  
“I don’t want you to feel pressured, Cas, there’s no hurry.” Cas shook his head.

  
“I want to, Dean. I think,” he paused, looking around the apartment. “I think a new place will be good for me. New start and everything.” Dean hung the towel up and turned out the kitchen light, the light from the hallway the only illumination in the apartment.

  
“Well, we’ve got a month until then, so let’s not worry about that right now.” He walked to the couch, offering his hand to help Cas up. Cas took it, walking with Dean down the hall to his bedroom door. When Dean turned for his old room, Cas’ other hand shot out of its own volition, grabbing hold of Dean’s upper arm.

  
“Please,” he breathed, “stay with me?” Dean tried to hide his smile, but didn't quite succeed.

  
“If you’re sure.” Cas nodded, maybe a bit too vigorously, but dammit he missed Dean, and he wanted this for himself. Of all the crap that had gone wrong with his life, Dean seemed to be something that went _right_. Cas walked into his bathroom, brushing his teeth as Dean did the same in the other bathroom. He was already dressed for bed, so he climbed under his covers, waiting as Dean turned off the hallway light and walked into Cas’ dark room, pale orange light from the street lamp offering minimal illumination. Cas was just able to see Dean’s silhouette, watching as he dropped his jeans and climbed into bed next to him. Immediately Cas slid up against him, wrapping an arm tightly around his chest, pressing his nose against the pulse point on Dean’s neck.

  
Every muscle in Cas’ body relaxed. Every nerve pulsed with warmth and comfort, his body reinforcing what Cas had finally figured out for himself; he needed Dean, emotionally and physically. Dean was a part of him now, a part Cas had fought against accepting, turning away from him when he needed him most. _Never again,_ Cas promised himself silently.

  
Dean was a little stiff underneath Cas at first, probably worried about pushing Cas’ limits. It made Cas smile.

  
“It’s okay, Dean, really,” Cas murmured.

  
“You sure?” Cas nodded, nestling in closer to the man underneath him.

  
“My aversion to your touch has passed, trust me.” He reached out and took hold of Dean’s arm, wrapping it over his shoulders and tucking himself in tightly against Dean’s side.

  
“If you're sure,” Dean chuckled, squeezing him tight, “I’m not going to complain.” They lay together quietly for a while, chasing sleep but not quite reaching it. Cas’ fingers were tracing patterns on Dean’s chest, the steady beat of the heart under his fingers soothing. To Cas’ delight, Dean started to hum, the deep vibrations running through Cas pleasantly. After a moment, he recognized the tune, and grinned against Dean’s skin, singing along softly.

 _And anytime you feel the pain,_  
_Hey Jude, refrain_  
_Don't carry the world upon your shoulders_  
 _For well you know that it's a fool_  
 _Who plays it cool_  
 _By making his world a little colder_

Dean continued to hum, his fingers rubbing circles on Cas’ back, and Cas looked up to see him smiling. He dropped his gaze nervously, and took the liberty of changing the words to the next verse.

 _Hey Jude, don't let me down_  
_You have found him_  
_Now go and get him_  
 _Remember to let him into your heart_  
 _Then you can start to make it better_

He felt Dean shift to look down at him.

  
“I heard that,” he teased. Cas leaned up on an elbow to see him better. His face was one big gentle smile, and Cas couldn't help but smile back.

  
“So I changed the gender pronouns, so what?” he shrugged. Dean ran his hand across Cas’ cheek, pulling him in for a soft kiss. Cas let out a contented sigh when they pulled apart slowly.

  
“You're freaking adorable, that's what,” Dean sighed. Cas leaned in, kissing Dean again, sinking into the feeling. Cas may not have himself all put together yet, he may not have his life or his future figured out, but he had _this_ , he had Dean and with him, Cas knew he could make it through anything. He felt sleep sneaking up on him, so he gave him one last short kiss and pulled away, tucking back into the curve of Dean’s neck.

  
“Good night, Dean.”

  
“Night, Angel.”

 

 

It took Cas the better part of the four weeks leading up to the move to get back up on his feet completely. He still had nightmares, waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, only falling asleep again when Dean’s soft kisses against his forehead would calm him. Explaining what happened to his sister, then Sam a few days later, and again to Charlie a few days after that, was draining. He knew they were just concerned for him, and he appreciated how much they cared, but it was hard to move on when he had to relive his darkest moments over and over. When he was utterly exhausted after talking to Charlie about his depression, hopefully the last time he’d have to talk about it for a good while, Dean was there with a hot meal and a nerdy movie, not expecting Cas to talk, just there to offer his support. Curled up on the couch with Dean watching Lord of the Rings, Cas had never felt so content his whole life. Dean squeezed him a bit tighter when Sam was telling Frodo that while he couldn’t carry his burdens, he could carry Frodo, and Cas teased him for a good twenty minutes about it afterward.

  
The job hunt was the most challenging part about getting better. Cas was feeling the pressure to find work before the move into the house, not wanting to be a burden. He refused to let Dean cover his portion of the rent and utilities, no matter how many times Dean offered, adamant that he'd find work in time. He applied everywhere and anywhere that had a job similar to what he got his degree for, but nobody seemed to be hiring. He either didn't have enough experience, or he was ‘overqualified’. He was beyond relieved to have Dean’s encouragement and support, otherwise he knew he’d have slipped back in his dark hole again.

There were three days left before the move, and Cas was on his way home, having just finished another unsuccessful interview. He could tell in the way they'd said ‘we’ll call you’, having heard those words said in that tone a few too many times the past couple weeks. He watched campus go by outside the window of his Uber driver’s car, trying not to feel too disappointed. His phone buzzed with a text.

  
_Dean: Lunch is in the fridge, I made you something before I left._

  
Cas smiled, sending back a thank you. Today, Sam and Jess were moving most of their furniture into the house, loading the moving van up with the last of their things, and Dean was going across town to help. Jess’ genetic disposition to a high risk birth had her on bed rest by doctor’s orders for her last month of her pregnancy. Cas didn't envy Sam, Jess was a strong and independent woman, and being told to let Sam take care of her had put her in a permanently snarky mood. Cas was tempted to change out of his dress clothes to go watch Jess nagging at Sam and Dean from a lawn chair as they loaded the furniture.  
Dean said they probably wouldn't be done until dinner, so Cas walked into what he thought would be an empty apartment.

  
“Cassie! Welcome home!” His apartment wasn't empty. Cas pulled up short, blinking at his brother.

  
“Gabe? What- how'd you get in?”

  
“I had lover boy let me in before he left,” he said, waving off the question. “I've got great news. Business has been booming lately, I'm looking to expand.” Cas fumbled trying to take off his shoes.

  
“That's great, but why did you come here to-” Gabe pressed on, ignoring Cas.

  
“Opening a new store, you know? Same recipes, send a couple of my bakers up to train new staff.” Cas managed to pull his jacket off, tossing it over the back of the couch.

  
“Again, why are you-” Gabe stepped up and clapped Cas hard on the shoulder.

  
“Hope you're ready for it, bro, I'm counting on you, as my new store manager.” He beamed at Cas, a big toothy grin, and Cas just stared open mouthed at Gabe. _Was he offering me a job?_! Cas’ brain struggled to catch up to the surprise of finding his brother in his apartment, let alone the job offer. At the same time his heart had swelled with the good news, it also dropped down to his feet. There had been a reason he had turned down the job with Gabe before. The silence stretched long enough Gabe cleared his throat, his smile fading uncomfortably. “Not exactly the reaction I was expecting, but okay.” Cas snapped out of his daze.

  
“Gabe, I… I appreciate the offer but I already told you, I'm not leaving Orlando. Dean is-” Gabe smacked himself in the forehead.

  
“Of course, why didn’t I lead with that? Cas, I'm opening the store in Orlando. You’ll be the general manager of my first ‘Sweet Tricks’ in the greater Orlando area. Got a building paid for already, in the Winter Park area, came here to check out the progress they're making.” In Orlando. _In Orlando_. Cas felt the beginnings of excitement pushing up into his chest, but held onto it before it could run away from him.

  
“Gabe, I… Are you sure? That's a lot of responsibility, I've never-” Gabe waved his hand dismissively again.

  
“I'm sure about this, Cas. It's what you went to school for, right? I trust you. It's about time you started to trust yourself.” He bounces on the balls of his feet as he digs in his pocket. “Also, brought you something else.” He says happily, as he pulls out a set of car keys. He shook them in front of Cas’ face, and Cas grabbed them to stop his brother from poking him in the eye.

  
“Gabe, please tell me you didn't buy me a car.” Cas could take the job, but a car would be too much charity. His brother rolled his eyes, smirking at Cas.

  
“Of course I didn't _buy_ you a car, Cas, I'm not that rich. I used your starting bonus to put a down payment on a car. You get to pay the rest.” Cas searched Gabe’s face for any sign of deceit or insincerity, but he couldn’t find any. His brother had come here to genuinely offer him a job, and had bought him a car. Cas looked down at the keys in his trembling hand, completely overwhelmed by his brother’s sudden appearance, and too good to be true news, a lump forming in his throat that he couldn’t swallow down. Gabe took Cas by the arms and sat him in one of the dining room chairs, the only furniture that hadn't really been packed yet. “Take a seat, little bro, breathe.”

  
“Gabe, I…” Cas couldn't wrap his head around it. “What the hell, Gabe?” he groaned, rubbing his temple with the hand that wasn't holding the car keys. _His_ car keys… “If you're doing this just because I happened to need a job now, or whatever-”

  
“It's the job you were _supposed_ to take when you graduated, remember?” Gabe sighed. “I just decided to open a shop here instead of West Palm. And as far as the car goes, like I said, you're paying for it. _Your_ money went towards the down payment.” Cas opened his mouth to object, but he had been meaning to look into a car, riding the bus, taking Ubers, and begging Dean and Sam for rides had gotten tiresome. His brother was also right about the job, so the only real favor Gabe had done for him was to open the bakery in Orlando. He looked up at Gabe again, and noticed his brother’s eyes had softened, smiling down at Cas without the bravado and the attitude, shining with happiness for his younger brother. He felt the flush creep up his cheeks and shut his mouth, frustratedly glaring at his brother, and Gabe laughed.

  
“I don't see what's so funny,” Cas sighed. Gabe pat him on the cheek.

  
“You. I've never had to try so hard to do someone a favor in my life.” Gabe continued to chuckle and Cas felt his cheeks flush a deeper pink, his brother’s laugh bringing a smile to his face.

  
“I just haven't had the best couple months, I'm afraid that this good thing will…” He trailed off, and his brother sobered slightly.

  
“You're due for a win, Cas. For once in your damn life, you deserve a good thing, no strings attached. Just take it.” Cas nibbled at his lip nervously.

  
“Do you really think I'm ready to run your bakery?” Cas asked quietly.

  
“Absolutely, Cas. I have total faith in you.” Gabe’s voice was filled with confidence. Cas surprised both himself and Gabe by jumping to his feet and hugging his brother tightly.

  
“Thank you,” Cas sighed. “I’ve gotta call Dean,” he was starting to get excited as he struggled to get his phone out of his pocket, finally letting himself believe this was happening.

  
“Dean knows already, about the shop anyway. Whose idea do you think this was?” Gabe asked.

  
Cas dropped his phone in stunned disbelief.

  
“Dean… this was _his_ …?” Gabe laughed and picked up his phone for him, ushering him towards his front door.

  
“I know, I know, your boyfriend is a ridiculously over romantic nerd. He managed to convince me to open up a store here about three weeks ago, just for you. So appreciate it.” He leads Cas down to the parking lot and walks up to a car, leaning on it and opening his arms wide. “Here she is, Cas, your new car! 1978 Lincoln Continental, Mark V, mint condition.” Cas just stared for a moment, a small giggle starting in his chest and growing into a full on belly laugh. It was perfect.

  
“I can’t _wait_ to see Dean’s face,” Cas giggled, walking up to the driver’s side door and climbing in.

  
“I gotta come with, no way I’m missing that,” Gabe laughed, rushing around and climbing in the passenger door. Cas started the car and slowly eased it out of the parking lot, getting used to the size of it. Every time they stopped at a light or a stop sign, he’d make adjustments to the seat and the mirrors, finally getting everything set by the time they turned down the street the house was on. Cas was slightly nervous as they drove the final couple blocks to the house. He probably wouldn’t have picked this car out if he’d had a choice, but he had to admit the car had character, and coming from Gabriel, it could have been much worse. Dean, based on what he'd been like in response to Gabe’s omni, was sure to have a strong reaction to the car, Cas just hoped that his brother wouldn’t take any criticisms from Dean too seriously.

  
He spotted the Impala in the driveway, a moving van sitting next to it. Sam stopped what he was doing when he noticed the car approaching, walking closer as Cas pulled into the driveway, turning off the car and climbing out. Sam wiped sweat out of his eyes with his sleeve, staring for just a moment before he burst out into a full belly laugh.

  
“Dude, what is this? You becoming a pimp?” Sam laughed. Cas grinned, and Gabe popped out of the car behind Cas.

  
“You like it? It’s Cassie’s new car.” Gabe nearly shoved Cas out of the way to reach out his hand for Sam to shake. Sam wiped his hand on his pants before offering it to Gabe.

  
“Gabriel, right?” Gabe grinned, pumping Sam’s hand enthusiastically.

  
“He remembers me!” He said triumphantly to Cas. Cas just shook his head.

  
“The car was bought for me by Gabe, before you ask,” Cas said to Sam. Sam just shrugged.

  
“Hey, I’m not judging,” he chuckled.

  
“Sam, come on, what the hell’s taking so-” Dean’s voice cut off short when he rounded the moving van, staring at the car confused.

  
“Hello, Dean,” Cas said cautiously. Dean looked from Cas to the car, to Gabe, then back to the car, then to Cas again. Sam had his hand over his mouth, attempting to hide his grin as he watched his brother.

  
“The hell is that thing?!” Dean finally asked.

  
“It’s my car, Gabe bought it for me,” Cas said simply. Dean’s mouth worked open and closed a few times.

  
“This… _thing_ is your new car?” he asked slowly.

  
“What’s the matter with it? It runs, it’s adorable, it’s got plenty of space,” Gabe asked, a smirk on his face.

  
“A freaking _pimpmobile_? Really Gabe?!”

  
“Don’t listen to him, Sugar, he doesn’t understand you,” Gabe said to the car, running his hand over the hood fondly. Cas was giggling now, his composure crumbling. Dean shot Gabe a dark look and walked over to the driver’s side door, leaning into the car and popping the hood while he muttered under his breath. He opened the hood of the car and looked around, his glare fading, replaced with a blush, then another glare again.

  
“Whatever,” he muttered, closing the hood and crossing his arms. Gabe smirked and winked at Dean.

  
“What? Think I’d get my little bro a car and not make sure everything was ship shape?” Cas walked up to Dean, gently pulling his arms uncrossed and wrapping his arms around his torso, holding him tight in spite of the sweat from moving furniture. The small PDA seems to be Sam’s cue to leave, because he clears his throat and gestures to Cas’ brother.

  
“Come on, Gabe, let me introduce you to Jess,” Sam said, leading Gabe into the house. Cas watched over Dean’s shoulder as Sam fist bumped Gabe, smiling to himself as Dean wrapped him up in a hug.

  
“Someone's feeling affectionate,” Dean half teased, nudging the side of Cas’ head with his chin. Yeah, it was slightly out of character for Cas to do this in public, but Cas was in his first truly _happy_ mood in weeks, so he just held tighter.

  
“Do you really not like the car?” Cas asked. Dean sighed, pulling back far enough to give Cas a small smile.

  
“I guess it’s alright, it’s just…”

  
“Very Gabe,” Cas finished. Dean nodded, leaning his forehead against Cas'.

  
“Did he tell you about the store?” Dean’s voice was cautious, Cas reasoned so he wouldn’t ruin the surprise if Gabe hadn’t said anything yet.

  
“He did.” Cas kissed Dean quickly, aware they were standing out in the front yard in front of any neighbors looking out their windows. “Thank you so much, Dean.” Dean smiled, pressing his lips against Cas’ forehead before pulling away to lead him inside.

  
“Always, angel.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we're past the angst for now guys. Thank you all for stopping by to give this a read, I appreciate you immensely.  
> Please leave me some feedback? it means the world to me.


	16. Chapter Sixteen- New Life, New Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *NOTE* My beta reader has been super busy lately, so this was originally posted un-beta'd. I have updated with some edits, enjoy the changes!!!
> 
> I'm the slowest of slow authors. I don't mean to be so long between updates, but time just whizzes past and before I know it it's been forever T-T
> 
> This chapter is fluffy payment for the angst, and while the angst isn't gone, hopefully this will hold everyone over :)

Things were back to normal.

Well, relatively anyway.  Dean and Cas had finished moved their things into Sam and Jess’ house about a week ago, selling most of their duplicate furniture to help pay Cas’ portion of the rent and to cover the moving van.  Neither Cas nor Dean had much in the way of belongings, though Dean admitted to having a few boxes of things up at his parent’s house in Kansas, still waiting for him.  Leaving the apartment the last time was a bittersweet moment for Cas, but it was part of his old self.  He was ready to change, and Dean was right there, holding his hand every step of the way.  It was strange to think that, even though they’d only been officially dating since December 27th, a mere four months, they were comfortable enough to move in together.  Though to be fair, Cas had fallen in love with Dean long before that.

Between Cas’ queen sized bed and their dressers, there wasn't a lot of room in their new bedroom, so they put Cas’ desk and chair in the second bedroom, Dean’s bookshelves rounding it out as a small office.  Cas ran his gaze over their new room, a satisfied smile on his face.  It was familiar furniture, yet the new setting and new location made it fresh, a new start.  Cas broke down the cardboard box he’d just emptied, the final box to be unpacked.  He had a sense of accomplishment, knowing they were  _ finally  _ done, until he noticed the box tucked away next to Dean’s bedside table.  He set the box on the stack and walked around the bed, lifting the lid to see what he’d forgotten, and found it was full of Dean’s carefully wrapped trinkets.  Cas shut the lid with a warm smile, knowing Dean would want to set those up himself.

Cas grabbed the pile of boxes and made his way downstairs, a triumphant smile on his face. 

“Finally done?” Jess asked from the couch, her hand slowly rubbing her belly.  Cas nodded at Jess, setting the boxes by the garage door and walking over to sit on the couch beside her.  Jess’ couch was the largest and nicest, and had taken up main residence in the living room, Cas’ a close second being used in the side room.  Jess was just over eight months along, and over the last couple weeks had started having some minor contractions periodically.  She explained that the they were perfectly normal according to her doctor, and spread so far apart that it wasn’t actual labor.  It didn’t stop Sam from having a mini heart attack every time she would tense up in pain.  Everyone in the house was worried about her, but Dean was the one holding everyone else together.  He was stressed, Cas felt the tension in his arms at night when they slept, but he was so calm around Sam and Jess, so reassuring, and Cas loved him for it.  He would joke about the contractions to take Jess’ mind off the pain, and tease Sam to the point where he would forget to panic.

“Finished unpacking,” Cas announced.  “Only took me a week and a half.”  She smiled, leaning on his shoulder fondly.  He and Jess had grown very close over the past week; since Cas didn't have a job and she was on bed rest, they spent a lot of time cooped up in the house together, talking about the Winchester brothers and their odd yet lovable idiosyncrasies.  He’d learned a bit more than he wanted to know about Sam, and Jess had her own fair share of too much information about Dean.  When Charlie would come visit, almost no conversation topic was safe, and Cas knew both Winchesters would die from embarrassment if they knew the types of conversations had behind their backs.  

“It wasn't all your fault,” Jess pointed out, “your brother had you running ragged for four days straight.  When he wasn't busy flirting with Sam, anyway.”  Cas groaned in embarrassment at the memory and she nudged him playfully with her shoulder, chuckling at Cas’ reaction.  “Hey, he's your brother.”

“Don't remind me,” he mumbled.  She laughed and he laughed with her.  

_ God _ it felt good to feel good again.

Jess was right about Gabe keeping him busy.  He had run Cas all over creation, the bank, the bakery, the wholesaler, and everything in between.  Gabe had done the leg work for the actual bakers, but Cas was responsible for the rest of the staff and the other administrative responsibilities.  It was a necessary evil, Cas needed to get ready to take on the job, but he was quite a bit relieved when Gabe finally left for Miami.  

Benny was doing some small in house renovations at the bar, and Dean had offered up his handyman skills.  As a result he was basically working double shifts, getting in early to help with the work and staying on to tend bar for a few hours.  Cas did everything he could to make the most of their time together, making sure dinner was always ready, running him lunch during the day, back rubs to smooth him to sleep.  He knew Dean was trying to prove he was worthy of the new management position, but Cas was wondering if it was worth all this work.

“Ungh,  _ Cas,” _ Jess hissed next to him, grabbing hold of his hand and hanging on for dear life.  She was panting, pain rippling across her face, her whole body shaking with effort.  Cas ran his other hand over her arm soothingly, worry starting to creep up on him.  As soon as Sam was out the door for his classes, she’d started to complain about the contractions getting worse, but this was the worst one he’d seen yet.

“Another contraction?” he asked.  She nodded, checking her watch and looking up at him with sudden fear in her eyes.

“Cas… they're only seven minutes apart…”  He just stared at her for a moment, trying to figure out why that mattered.  Then it clicked.  

She was going into labor.  

A strange calm washed over Cas, a sense of purpose that overrode any panic he might have been feeling.  He turned towards Jess, taking gentle hold of her hands and squeezing to help her focus.

“What do you need?” he asked simply.  Her eyes widened and locked onto his, and she pulled a hand away to point at the door to her and Sam’s bedroom with a shaking finger.

“Baby bag, by the bed, duffle right next to it…” she was gasping for air, and Cas could see her panic starting to sink in.  “It's too early, I'm supposed to have three more weeks-”

“Look at me, Jess,” he interrupted.  She met his eyes and he smiled reassuringly, keeping his breathing slow and even as he squeezed her hand.  “Deep breaths okay?  Just like you practiced.”  She nodded, taking in a few shaking breaths and letting them out.  “It'll be alright.  You'll both be alright, you and the little one.  Okay?”

“Me and the munchkin,” she repeated.  “Guess we’re about to figure out what we should call them,” she giggled nervously, wincing and squeezing Cas’ hands tightly as another wave hit her.  Jess had explained to him that, because she was high risk, she and Sam had decided to leave the baby’s gender a surprise.  Jess had thought it would be bad luck to think that far ahead, and in spite of every reassurance from her OB GYN that everything was fine, she stubbornly held out.  Just as Cas went to pull away to get her bags, Jess grabbed hold of his lower arm in a death grip, a new wave of anxiety making her dig nail marks into Cas’ arms. 

“Sam's in an exam, Cas.  He's not here and he needs to be here.  Sam can't miss this, I need him we need him-”

“Listen to me,” Cas insisted, getting a hold of her hands again and holding tight.  She looked up at him, tears in her eyes.  “I'll call him, he’ll be there.  Let’s get you to the hospital, okay?”  She nodded reluctantly, and he stood, swiftly making his way to the bedroom and grabbing the bags she’d mentioned.  As he rushed out into the driveway to dump the bags in his car, his phone was already out of his pocket.

“Call Sam,” he said to Siri, and thankfully she got it right on the first try.  Sam didn't answer, probably excusing himself from his exam, and Cas tucked his phone back in his pocket, figuring he’d try back again in a minute.  He walked up to the couch and bent over, carefully helping Jess stand up, supporting most of her weight himself.  She was starting to slip into full panic mode as he shuffled her towards the door.

“Cas, I can't do this.  It's too early, there's something wrong, I can't-”

“Yes you can,” he insisted calmly, nudging her flip flops over for her to slide on, and carefully locking the door behind them.  “You're going to do this, and you’ll be amazing, alright?” he continued, in as even a voice as he could muster half carrying her to the car.  He lowered her into the backseat just as she started having another contraction, her hand grabbing hold of his bicep and squeezing.

“ _ Gah, Cas-”  _ her plea tapered off into a pained sob.  

“Breathe, Jess, just breathe, you’ve got this,” he hummed softly.  The wave passed and he buckled her in as best he could, sliding into the driver’s seat as his phone rang.   _ Sam thank god. _

“Cas, what's going on?” Sam asked.

“Jess is in labor,” Cas said quickly, starting his car.   _ Thank you, Gabe. _  “We’re on our way to Winnie Palmer Hospital, you need to call her OB GYN.”  There was silence on the line for a while, and Cas wondered if the call had dropped.  “Sam?”

“Yeah, right… I… Holy shit Cas…”

“Yes, I know.  Hurry, please,” he urged.

“Right!  Fuck, okay, on my way,” Sam muttered, hanging up the call.  Cas dropped his phone on the seat next to him, pulling out of the driveway and turning for the interstate.

“Sam's coming, Jess, okay?  Just breathe,” Cas urged her.  

“I forgot my phone, I-  _ ngh,  _ I need to call my- my mom…” she gasped out.  Cas blindly grabbed for his phone and handed it over the seat to her.  

“Oh  _ shit,  _ Cas I'm so sorry,” she gasped out suddenly. 

“What?  Why?” he asked, the first edge of fear rising up in him.

“My… my water broke…” she mumbled, embarrassed.  Cas laughed, he couldn't help it, and it seemed to help her relax.

“Jess, don't worry about it.  I'll make sure Sam cleans out my car once this is all done.”  He caught her gaze in the rearview mirror for a moment, and she half smiled at him sheepishly.  

They got to the hospital just as Jess finished her call to her parents, Cas pulling into the first parking spot he saw.  

“I’ll be right back, you’re doing great, okay?” he said to her over the seat.  She nodded and he slipped out of the car and into the receiving area.  “I need help, she’s in labor-” he started and a nurse swung into action, grabbing one of the wheel chairs lined up at the door and gesturing at Cas to lead the way.

“Honey, that’s what we do here,” she said with a smile.  He led her out to the car, and together they got Jess in the chair.  The nurse started asking a bunch of questions as they walked, and the only stop they made was for the nurse to give the receptionist Jess’ name and grab some paperwork.  Jess grunted loudly as another contraction made her latch on to him.  Cas wondered how long the bones in his hand would take to heal as she squeezed his fingers in hers.  As they approached her room, Jess refused to release his hand, forcing him to walk up beside her.

“Stay with me, at least until Sam arrives,” Jess pleaded quietly to Castiel.  He smiled down at her.

“Of course,” he said gently.  They were led into a private room, which surprisingly to Cas looked more like a hotel room than a hospital room.  A second nurse walked in.

“Okay, we’ve got your file pulled up, Miss Moore, are we waiting for your OB GYN sweetie?” she asked.  Jess nodded.

“Sir, would you like to help your wife change?” the first nurse asked.  Cas flushed.

“Oh, she's not- we’re not- I'm just a friend,” he stammered.

“My boyfriend is on his way,” Jess gasped.  The nurses didn't seem phased by Cas’ awkwardness, and Cas began to wonder what kind of things they must have seen in their time.

“If you could give us some privacy then, sir?” the second nurse asked.  Cas nodded and stepped out of the room, taking the moment of free time to call Dean.

“Hey, Cas, what's up?” he said, and Cas could hear the smile in Dean’s voice.

“Jess is in labor,” Cas blurted.  There was a loud thud and some muffled cursing.

“You're at Winnie Palmer, right?”

“Yes, we’re-”

“On my way.”  Dean hung up, and Cas shook his head at his phone, a small smile on his face.  It was only a minute or two before the nurse opened the door behind Cas.

“You can come in now,” she said with a smile.  Cas walked in the room, smiling at Jess who was propped up as comfortable as possible on the bed, hooked up to a heart monitor.  She held out her hand and he walked over to grasp it.

“I wish these gowns weren’t so damn ugly,” she nervously giggled.  Cas shook his head.

“You look lovely, don’t worry about it.  How are you doing?”  Jess smiled up at him worriedly.

“Okay.  I'll be better when Sam gets here.”  Cas smoothed her hair out of her face.

“You're doing way better than I would in your shoes,” he chuckled.  She nodded, dropping her gaze and wiping a tear off her cheek.

“I'm scared, Cas,” she breathed.  He didn't really know what to say to that, so he leaned in and squeezed her shoulder, offering her as much comfort as he could.  The door burst open, and Sam rushed in, hair disheveled and breathing heavy.  

“Jess, baby, I'm here, I'm here,” he gasped out, rushing to her side.  He took the hand Cas had been holding, turning to Cas and offering his other hand.  “Thank you, Cas, so much,” he sighed, gratitude forcing its way through his anxious nerves.  Cas shook the offered hand, and winced as Sam’s fingers squeezed with just as much bruising force as Jess’.

“Of course, Sam.  I'll let you have some privacy.”  Cas smiled warmly at the younger Winchester, bent to kiss Jess’ cheek, and stepped out of the room.  As he made his way down the hallway to the waiting area, the first nurse he’d spoken to passed by with a smile.

“You're pretty calm, all things considered,” she said conversationally.  He shrugged.

“Not sure I've absorbed what’s happening,” he admitted.  She gestured at the room he’d just left.

“You good friends with them?”  Cas nodded, smiling happily.

“Very much so.  The father’s brother is my boyfriend.”  She smiled warmly.

“Guess you’re about to become an uncle.” 

“I guess so,” Cas nodded.  She promised to keep Cas up to date on Jess’ progress as she walked away and he finally made his way to the waiting area to sit.

About fifteen minutes later, Dean rushed in with Charlie in tow, both of them flustered and breathing heavily.  Charlie was buzzing with barely controlled excitement, and Dean was a nervous wreck, though Cas was sure he was the only one that could see it.  Cas barely had time to stand before Dean rushed up and nearly bowled him over again.

“Cas!  What’s happening?” Dean gasped out in a rush.  Cas held out his hand, resting it on his chest to calm him down.

“Jess is fine, Sam’s here, her doctor just arrived.  From what the nurse said no one is too worried about the early labor.  Well, except Sam of course.”  Charlie laughed and Dean beamed at him, a bit of his nerves dissipating.

“How are  _ you  _ doing?” Charlie asked, giving him a brief hug.  Cas shrugged.

“Pretty good, all things considered.  I got her here in one piece and I didn’t panic, so I’d say I’m doing quite well.”  Charlie nudged him, smiling proudly.

“Look at you, cool under pressure,” she teased.  “I'm going to pee and see if I can peek in on Jess,” Charlie announced, moving off to the reception desk.  Cas looked at Dean, smiling at the nervous excitement on his face.

“Go see her, if you want,” Cas said gently.  Dean shook his head, rubbing his neck nervously.

“Nah, Sammy’s probably freaking out as it is, I don't need to add to the mix.”  Cas sat down again, pulling Dean down to drop onto the couch next to him.  He fixed him with an amused smile.

“You're too scared to be in the room when the actual labor is happening,” Cas teased.  Dean’s ears turned pink.

“No!” he said indignantly, but at a knowing look from Cas, he shrugged.  “Okay, fine, maybe.”  Cas beamed at him, and Dean smiled back,  _ Cas’  _ private smile that no one else got to see.  Cas slipped his hand into Dean’s, leaning in for a chaste kiss, and they sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Think it's a boy or a girl?” Cas asked.  Dean shrugged.

“God knows I'd love a nephew, but seeing Sam wrapped around a little girl’s finger…”  Dean trailed off when Charlie walked back up.

“She's okay, but Sam’s quite a mess,” she giggled.  “Oh, and Dean, you might want to call your mom, I don't think Sam’s thought that far ahead.”  Dean immediately started to scramble for his phone, dialing and standing to pace through the waiting area as he talked to his mom.  “Hey Cas,” Charlie said quietly, pulling his attention off of Dean.

“Yeah?”

“Are you sure you're okay?”  Cas shrugged, examining his emotional state.  He was nervous, but it was more out of excitement than worry.  Not to mention how proud he was of himself for not panicking.  All in all a very good feeling.

“I really am, Charlie,” he insisted.  She smiled warmly at him.  “To be honest,” he added, “I think it'll actually be more relaxing once the baby is born, Sam will hopefully not be so nervous, and the house will be able to settle into a routine.”  She grinned and they both looked up as Dean came back.

“She's apparently hopping on the next flight here,” Dean laughed, flopping down next to Cas.  “Nothing was going to convince her otherwise.”  Cas smiled.

“It’ll be wonderful to see Mary again.”  Dean gave him a beaming smile, and leaned in to press a quick kiss into Cas’ temple.

“As if your eye sex wasn't bad enough, now you guys are doing the gross PDA thing?” Charlie groaned.  Dean winked at her and leaned in, landing a kiss on Cas’ lips before Cas could pull away.  Charlie made mock gagging sounds and Cas felt a small blush on his face.

“Deal with it,” Dean laughed, slipping his hand into Cas’ again.

They all lapsed into silence as they waited.  

And waited.  

And waited.  

Charlie took off to bring back dinner for them, and after they ate there still wasn’t much news.  13 hours later, a nurse came out to them, a smile on her face.

“We're coming up on the final pushes.  Mom and baby are doing just fine, won't be long now.”  They all thanked her then lapsed into silence again.   _ Finally,  _ an hour later, a frazzled looking Sam stumbled out into the waiting room, having lost his button up along the way he was down to nothing but a tank, and that was soaked in sweat.  Dean was on his feet instantly, wrapping Sam up in the biggest bear hug in spite of all that.

“How are you doin’, Sammy?” Dean asked, holding him at an arm’s length.  Sam ran a hand through his mess of hair, a tired smile on his face.

“Good, uh, Jess is sleeping, they're taking the baby to get cleaned up and checked over by the pediatrician.  Everything’s good.”  He laughed, tears in his eyes.  “Dean, it's a boy.”  Charlie squealed happily and wrapped Cas up in a hug.  Cas’ heart leapt with joy  _ just  _ from the look on Dean’s face, his own happiness following shortly after.

“I'm so proud of you and Jess, Sammy,” Dean said, wiping at the glimmer of emotion in his eyes.

“She was  _ amazing _ , Dean.  I don't…” Sam's voice cracked and Charlie ran over and hugged both the brothers, all three participating in a group hug.  Sam turned his head to look over Dean’s shoulder.

“Get over here, Cas,” Sam said gruffly, opening one of his arms.  Cas did, cautiously, and once Sam’s arm wrapped around his shoulders, Dean’s forehead pressed against his temple, and he felt the word  _ family  _ start to mean something larger than it had before.

 

They kept Jess and the baby in the hospital for an extra day or two before they came home.  Mary arrived the day after the birth, and spent her time sharing stories of what Sam was like as a baby.  Jess’ mom and dad, Jane and Stephen, came to visit for a few days as well, making the week after the birth fairly hectic at the house.  Sam and Jess didn't even settle on a  _ name _ until the end of the week.

Henry was his first name, after Dean and Sam’s grandfather, whom they never knew but their father had spoken of quite fondly.  His middle name was James, after Jess’ grandfather, whom she was very close to.  Cas felt a strange pride, since it was his middle name as well, but Dean was the only one who knew his middle name.  Dean’s mom and Jess’ parent’s finally left, and Cas and Dean made a special, quiet dinner for the four of them, Cas basking in the glow of family and  _ home. _

 

 

Three weeks later, the bakery is up and running for their first deliveries.  Turns out Gabe’s shops ‘Sweet Tricks’ were a well known name, more than Cas originally thought, which earned them a handful of orders before even opening.  Cas was okay with that, it helped work out some of the kinks in their ordering system and their accounting software, and allowed his team to get comfortable with each other before working in the public eye.  Dean’s double shifts were done with, but now Cas was the one working long hours, coming home with invoices and supply orders filling his head.  He was scheduled to open May 5th, but Dean pointed out that if he opened on May 4th, he could capitalize on the new Star Wars movie, maybe do some themed baked goods to draw more people in.  What Dean didn't realize was after that proposal, Cas spent the next two days on the phone making sure that he was legally allowed to sell Star Wars themed pastries.  Luckily, Gabe’s lawyers had done that sort of thing before, and it wasn't too hard to extend the permission onto Cas’ shop.  So their official opening day theme was “May the 4th be with you”, to Dean’s and Charlie’s nerdy delight.

 

On May 1st, Cas stumbled into the silent house around 1am, tiredly making his way upstairs to his and Dean’s room.  He pushed open the door slowly in case Dean was asleep, and totally ignored the warm fuzzy feeling that washed over him when he saw Dean had waited up for him.  The bedside lamp and his laptop made his eyes shine when he looked up and smiled.

“You were supposed to be done at 9,” Dean pointed out, a tinge of worry in his voice as he shut down his computer.  Cas nodded tiredly, undoing his belt and kicking off his jeans, pulling his button up over his head, leaving his tank and boxers on.  

“I was, but I realized I was missing a good chunk of my inventory in the log, and I had to go through everything to figure out what went wrong.”  He tossed his clothes in the hamper, moving to his side of the bed and plugging his phone in.  He already had another email alert, but he was too tired at this point to care.

“All by yourself?  You're the general manager, you're supposed to delegate, Cas.”  Cas raised an eyebrow at Dean, walking back around the bed.

“My accountant Garth stayed until about ten, but I couldn't keep him past that.”  He smacked Dean’s leg as he walked towards the bathroom, “And I think you're confusing delegation with being lazy.”  Dean chuckled softly, and Cas stepped through the bathroom door to brush his teeth.  When he turned off the bathroom light and walked back through the door, Dean was waiting, sitting on the edge of the bed, and he smiled, motioning for Cas to come closer.  

“I just don’t want you to overwork yourself,” he says gently.  

“I’m alright, Dean,” Cas sighs.  He knows Dean is worried about him for more reasons than his sleep pattern, but the words go unsaid.  He can see in Dean’s smile that he understands Cas’ assurance was to both of Dean’s worries, and the lines on his brow relax away.

“Almost time for the big day, you ready?” Dean asked.  He made his way to where Dean was sitting, smiling as Dean wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled Cas flush against him.

“Yes and no,” Cas sighed, resting his arms on Dean’s bare shoulders.  “It'll be a relief to finally open and have the cash flow increase, but the stress will just shift to other responsibilities.”  Dean huffed a small laugh.

“You know, you’re sexy when you talk business to me,” he said, smirking against Cas’ stomach.  Cas raised an eyebrow.

“I believe this is another attempt at flirting, and you don't actually find me talking about work arousing,” he sighed, running a hand through Dean’s hair.  Cas tried to keep a straight face, but when Dean laughed and kissed him through his shirt, he grinned right along with him.

“Okay, you got me,” Dean sighed.  He pulled gently on Cas’ hips, scooting back towards the center of the bed so Cas had space to crawl in beside him.  Cas did so, stretching out on his stomach and burying his face in Dean’s pillow with a sigh, the comfort of his scent seeping into Cas’ pores.  He felt Dean shift, climbing over him and settling on his legs.  He turned his head to try and see him over his shoulder.

“What are you-?”

“Just hush and let me work,” Dean interrupted, running his hands up Cas’ back.  Fingers started working into his muscles through his shirt, and Cas hummed happily.  “Dude, you need to relax,” Dean chuckled.  He pulled Cas’ shirt up, lifting him slightly to pull it off of him, making Cas laugh breathily at the awkwardness, before going back to work on the knots in Cas’ upper back and shoulders.  He just let Dean do it because he was right, Cas needed this.  More than the massage that Dean was now expertly giving him, he just needed his touch, the comfort of Dean’s hands on his skin, the press of his weight over Cas’ body.  It wasn’t about sex, though the brush of Dean’s hips against Cas’ ass had his lower brain thinking otherwise.  It was more about the shared closeness, about letting himself be vulnerable, and letting Dean this close  _ while _ being that vulnerable.  He lost track of time, and Dean worked in silence, his fingers finding the knots in his muscle and easily working them out.  Dean slowly ran his hands up Cas’ back, leaning over him, his hand reaching towards the bedside table.  A small pulse of arousal ran up Cas’ spine, making him shudder as Dean’s chest pressed to his back.

“Why'd you stop?” Cas grumbled, refusing to open his eyes and break the spell Dean had cast on him, and Dean didn’t answer right away, just pressed soft kisses against his shoulders until his hand came back to his side.  The hand in question brushed Cas’ ribs, and what he felt it holding changed the energy in the room immediately.

“I want to… show you something,” Dean spoke against his skin, nervousness in his voice.  “If you want…”  Cas squinted an eye open, looking at Dean over his shoulder, the bottle of lube obvious in his hand.  When Dean shifted to slide down his body again, he felt Dean’s arousal against his thigh, and became acutely aware of Dean’s hand traveling down the curve of his back, cupping his ass gently, if that act could be referred to as ‘gentle’. 

“Dean, I’m…” Cas felt his cheeks flush, wanting to say no but  _ desperately  _ wanting to say yes.  Dean seemed to sense his struggle, his hand dropping and his thumb running in small, soothing circles against his outer thigh. 

“I’m not ready to- to do that, Cas.  As stupid as that sounds coming from me...”  Cas relaxed in spite of himself.  “I want to,  _ god  _ do I want to, but I’m- I want to ease you into it, to… show you what it feels like, what to expect…”  The nervous flutter in Dean’s voice sent a pulse to Cas’ half hardness, pinned between him and the mattress.  He’d figured out where Dean was going with this, and he was  _ definitely  _ on board for that.  Cas half propped himself up on his elbows, looking back at Dean and smiling.

“Show me,” he whispered.  Dean surged forward and kissed him as best as he could in spite of the odd angle.  Dean's kiss was pleading, and Cas responded with confidence and affirmation, smiling against Dean’s lips when he pulled away.

“I'm going to take care of you, angel, all you have to do is enjoy it,” Dean breathed against his neck, trailing his lips along the curve of his jaw, along his spine, worshiping every inch of skin he passed by on his way down Cas’s body.  He left Cas just long enough to undress them both, then his hands were back, gently lifting Cas’ hips into position.  Cas felt embarrassment color his cheeks at how open and exposed he felt, but Dean’s touches and words were reassuring and his lips kept tracing the curve of his spine reverently.  “So beautiful, Cas.  God, I'm so hard just  _ looking  _ at you,” Dean moaned.  He felt the flutter of nerves in his chest, but he had to admit, he was curious… Cas moaned, his thoughts cut off as Dean’s hand reached between his legs, paying some attention to his arousal.

“Dean-”

“Shhh, just relax, angel.”  Dean’s hands left him but returned quickly, one returning to running soothing circles along his lower back, and the other… Cas shuddered as a slick finger traced his entrance, not pushing in yet, just getting him used to the idea.  Cas hugged the pillow to his chest, needing an anchor because Dean’s other hand was brushing over his arousal again and-

“ _ Ooh _ ,” he gasped out, as Dean’s finger began to breach his entrance.  

“It's gonna feel weird at first, Cas.  Just relax, I won't hurt you, I promise,” Dean hummed.  Cas took a deep breath and focused on relaxing his muscles, and Dean’s finger slipped the rest of the way inside.  He was right, it was strange and slightly uncomfortable, but he trusted Dean, so he relaxed into his touch, immediately feeling better.  “You're doing good, much better than I did my first time,” Dean cooed.

“Probably didn't have a partner as amazing as I have,” Cas said, his voice breathy.  Dean leaned over him, pressing a couple kisses against his spine.  

“I am pretty awesome,” Dean preened.  Cas’ laugh choked off in a gasp as Dean started to move, the slide an almost overwhelming new feeling.  Dean was whispering for Cas to  _ just breath _ e over and over, repeating the motion until there was little to no resistance.  Just as Dean had said, the discomfort started to fade, replaced by a strange  _ full _ feeling, that was starting to feel good _. _  Dean's other hand lovingly started to work at Cas’ arousal again, and he started to feel  _ really  _ good, as his broken moans attested.

“Think you're ready to try a little more?” Dean’s voice was wrecked, and Cas hummed his consent, unable to form words.  He felt the pressure of the second finger at his entrance, and just like the first one, Dean was slow and gentle as he slid them inside.  Cas felt the burn now as his muscles adjusted, but whatever pain he felt was overshadowed by the pleasure he was starting to feel.  “So good, Cas, you're doing so good.”  Cas could only whimper, a small sound in his throat as his body adjusted to this new feeling.  Dean’s fingers moved in time with the slow pull of his other hand on his arousal, and Cas moaned at the _fullness_ , the pressure of something inside him.  Pleasure nerves he never knew he had were lighting up like fireworks.

“More,” he pleaded, without really meaning to, or knowing what he was asking for.  Dean’s fingers began to separate, small motions stretching him, and Cas groaned, the pillow doing nothing to disguise the sound.  “Dean, please,” he gasped out.  He heard a strange, almost growl from Dean, and he increased his speed.  As the fingers spread wider, Cas lost himself in the thought that one day, they'd be prepping him for so much more, prepping him for  _ Dean. _  He felt Dean’s fingers start to bend slightly and an explosion of lust made him bite the pillow, moaning long and hard into the fabric.   _ Prostate _ ran through his head briefly as he gasped for air.

“Just feel it, angel.  You're almost there,” Dean gasped out, sounding just as fucked as Cas.  He brushed gently at that beautiful sweet spot, the tendrils of pleasure pulsing through Cas in time with the slide of Dean’s fist along his arousal and he was done, his orgasm hitting him so hard he blacked out for a moment.  He opened his eyes as Dean climbed over him, chest pressed to Cas’ back, lips latched onto his neck, his hand working him towards his own end just above Cas’ lower back.

“Come for me,” Cas purred, and Dean pressed his face between Cas’ shoulder blades to muffle his shout as he released, shuddering as the waves of pleasure washed through him.  Cas collapsed forward, Dean bracing himself on his left elbow to keep from crushing him into the mattress.

“Shit, Cas, sorry,” Dean muttered over his heavy breathing.  Cas hummed, too lost in his post orgasm bliss to care about the mess.

“S’okay.  Makes me feel special.  Like you've claimed me or something,” he muttered.  Dean groaned, leaving dozens of hard and soft kisses against his shoulders and the back of his neck.

“Mmm like the sound of that.   _ My  _ angel, you're all mine, Castiel.”  Cas bent his neck to give Dean access to his neck.

“All yours, love,” Cas giggled.  Dean was practically purring as he laved kisses over Cas’ neck and shoulders, and Cas shifted underneath him, pressing the sticky mess on his back into Dean’s stomach.  “I take it back if you don't clean us up,” he murmured, and Dean left one last kiss on his neck before reluctantly crawling out of bed.  Cas was already halfway to sleep when Dean returned with a washcloth, cleaning up Cas’ back and ‘backside’, nudging him from the wet spot on the sheet and cleaning his front.  Cas could definitely get used to this, if this was what sex did to Dean every time, making him pampering and protective.  Dean left to put the cloth away and crawled back in bed, tucking Cas’ body firmly against his.

“Love you, Cas,” Dean whispered, but Cas was asleep before he could answer.

 

Cas woke up at 6:30 the next morning, like usual, regardless of how late he'd actually fallen asleep.  Dean was dead to the world, breathing deeply, arm draped over Cas and drooling on the pillow.  It really was unfair, Cas mused to himself, that someone could still look so gorgeous in a puddle of their own spit.  Cas carefully slipped out of bed and immediately noticed some discomfort where he  _ really  _ wasn't used to having any.  Dean had been so careful the night before Cas knew it could be worse, so he took it in stride and showered, some of the discomfort leaving once he was clean.  He dressed and made his way downstairs to find breakfast.  

What he found was a half asleep Sam at the kitchen table, Henry in one arm and a bottle in the other eyes half closed and head drooping to the side.  Cas couldn't help it, he snapped a picture on his phone, making a mental note to send it to Mary the first chance he got.

“I heard that,” Sam muttered, not even opening his eyes.

“Sorry, Sam,” Cas said, walking past him to the kitchen.  As he nosed around for something to eat, he heard Sam groan, half in amusement, half in disgust.

“I was about to say you look like you just came out the other side of a good lay, but that involves my brother, and I've had way too little sleep to deal with that mental image right now.”  Cas flushed bright red, smiling sheepishly at Sam as he walked out to the table with the muffin and orange juice he'd found.

“Sorry,” he mumbled again, grinning at him.  Sam just shook his head and looked down at his son.  Cas watched as Henry finished the bottle, Sam leaning him up over the blanket on his shoulder to burp him.  It had only been a few weeks, but Sam had gone from floundering to confident in his parenting.  The pride in Dean’s eyes every time Sam did something with or for Henry was beautiful to behold, and when Dean held Henry, it was like it was the most natural thing for him to do.  One day, when Cas walked into the living room to find Dean holding a sleeping Henry to his chest, a small voice in the back of his head started to wonder if he might be changing his mind about having a family.  

Someday.

In the future.

The  _ far  _ future.

“How's Jess?” Cas asked, derailing his thoughts before they ran away from him.  Sam smiled tiredly, his hand gently patting his son’s back. 

“A million times better than me, and she's the one that birthed this guy.  She's already talking about a workout plan to get rid of the baby fat,” Sam chuckled.  Henry let out a burp, and Sam grinned as he pulled him off his shoulder.

“You managed not to puke up on Dad!  Thanks buddy!” he cooed, cradling the baby in his arm.  Cas chuckled.

“I take it that's an accomplishment?”  Sam nodded, pulling the blanket off his shoulder to wipe at a dribble on Henry’s chin.  His arms wiggled in protest, then settled again once Sam was done.

“For me it is, this guy can be a pro at projectile.”  Sam glanced up at the clock over the kitchen sink, yawning heavily.  “Alright, I've got to get to class, better go put this guy down.”  He stood and dropped the bottle off in the sink, turning for the bedroom he shared with Jess.  A few minutes later he stepped back out, waving goodbye to Cas as he grabbed his bag and walked out the door.  Cas made himself some fresh coffee, sipping on it as he checked his email, planning out his day at work.  He only had two days left till the grand opening, and his checklist was still about two miles long.  It was funny though, for the first time in over a week he wasn't stressed, wasn't panicked or worried as he answered all his emails.  He knew that it would just go right to Dean’s head if he mentioned anything about it, but apparently their activities the night before had made a marked difference.

Just as he finished his coffee, his phone started ringing.  Anna’s name flashed up on his caller ID, and he answered with a puzzled smile.

“Anna?  Why are you calling so early?” he asked, rinsing his cup out at the sink and washing the bottle Sam had left there.

“I wanted to catch you before you went to work,” she said carefully, enough that Cas could tell something was wrong.

“What's going on?”  He expected a struggle, to have to coax her into telling him what was bothering her.

“Mom’s going to come to the wedding,” she blurted instead.  Cas set the bottle in the dish drainer slowly.

“She is?”  His voice was so quiet he hardly heard it.  He wasn't aware his mother was okay to travel that far, let alone handle an event like a wedding.  He took deep breaths as Anna explained.

“She's on a new medication, and the doctors are impressed with her progress.  They gave her the go ahead to make the drive, so long as her nurse, Amy is with her.  They're going to leave a few days early with Gabe to take their time driving.”  Cas vaguely remembered the name Amy, Gabe had mentioned her being his mom’s primary nurse at the home.

“She must be ecstatic,” Cas said softly.

“She really is,” Anna sighed.  “I sent her an invitation, but I didn't think much of it.  Then I got a response from her and the administrator at her home and… I talked to her on the phone, and she- she’s gotten back a bit of her old self again.  This medication, it's really helping.”  

“That's good to hear.”  Cas was sincerely pleased that his mother was doing better, but him being around her still wasn't an option in public; he refused to risk making a spectacle of himself or of her.  He felt a cold anxiety settle in at the thought of triggering an episode at Anna’s  _ wedding _ .  Disappointment and regret about the decision he was going to have to make effectively killed his mood, followed by the guilt from feeling that way.  “Anna-”

“I can't, Cas.  I can't ask either of you not to go,” she gasped.  She was on the verge of tears, about her own wedding _.  _  Even when it was good news, Cas’ family could make it bad. Cas rubbed at his forehead in frustration.

“It's okay,” Cas said, honestly, trying to soothe her.

“No, it's not.  I have to choose between my brother and my mom, how is that fair?”  The telltale tremor in her voice made Cas’ guilt that much worse.  He needed to make her decision for her, and he didn't hesitate.

“Choose her,” Cas said evenly.  She sniffed.

“But-”

“No buts, Anna.  Choose her.”  He took a deep breath, trying to find his words.  “We all know that because of her...illness, she's not going to be around for long.  Let her have this with you, it'll make her happy.”  Anna was full on crying now, and it was pulling at Cas’ heart.  He blinked away the moisture in his own eyes.

“Are you- are you sure?” she whimpered.  

“I'm sure.”  Cas thanked his voice for coming out strong and sure.  “Now, stop crying.  You're getting married in less than a month, you're supposed to be stressed and panicking, not sad.”  She let out a wet chuckle.

“Thank you,” she sighed.

“Of course.”  It was a bit strange to be on this side of their conversation, to be the one doing the comforting as opposed to receiving it.  He felt good, though, proud of himself for being calm about this.  Anna deserved that much.  They made some small talk, confirming her plans to travel to Florida a week ahead of the ceremony to finalize everything, and by the time they were finished, Anna seemed to be doing much better.

“Love you, little bro,” Anna said her goodbye quietly, and Cas smiled.

“Love you, too,” he said, genuinely.  He hung up and turned to see Dean walking into the kitchen.

“Got a secret someone I should be worried about?” he teased, his voice still hoarse with sleep.  His hair was damp from a shower, and he was dressed in sweats, since he didn't have to go to work until later in the day.  Overall completely gorgeous.

“My mother is coming to my sister’s wedding,” Cas said without preamble.  Dean stumbled to a halt halfway to the coffee maker, turning to look wide eyed at Cas.

“She is?”  Cas nodded, and Dean walked up to him, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist.

“Dean, I'm fine-”

“Talk to me,” he urged gently.  Cas rested his forehead on Dean’s shoulder, taking in his warmth and comfort, reminding himself that opening up to Dean was okay.

“I’m happy for her, that she's well enough to come see the wedding.  She was so happy when Anna told her about it.”  The silence hung for a few beats.

“But?” Dean urged.  Cas sighed, his arms tightening around Dean’s torso.

“Yeah, I'm a little upset about it, but I'm not going to make Anna choose between us.  I told her to choose mom.”  He felt Dean tense as he prepared to object.

“Cas, you-”

“I've got a video camera, you can go and film it for me-” Cas interrupted, not wanting Dean to worry.  

“You're not going?  At all?” Dean interrupted back.  Cas shrugged.

“I don't see how I can.”  Dean shook his head.

“You're going, Cas.  We’ll figure this out, we've got time.  I will not let you miss your sister’s wedding.”  Dean’s voice was full of conviction, and Cas smiled against his neck, a pleased little flutter in his chest at Dean’s need to fight for him.  Maybe Dean will figure something out, maybe he won't, but Cas appreciated Dean’s offer to try.  He was still getting used to letting Dean help him, to not shouldering his troubles all on his own, but he was getting better at it.

“Thank you,” he breathed.  Dean nodded.

“You and me, Cas.  Between us we’ll figure all this out.”  Cas felt Dean’s lips against the top of his head, and he pulled back to capture Dean’s lips with his own.

“Alright, I've got to head to work,” he sighed, reluctantly letting Dean go.  Dean winked and smacked his ass as he walked away.

“Go get ‘em, tiger,” he called with a wink.  Cas groaned, not even bothering to look back.

“Only if you  _ never  _ say that again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need to hear from you guys, okay? Some comments? Anything?? I'm working towards something with this story, and I need all the support and feedback I can get to get me through it! Your comments mean the world to me!


	17. Chapter Seventeen- My Love, For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK why I even promise I'll try to update quickly, it never happens. -__-
> 
> I hope this one lives up to everyone's expectations.
> 
> Next chapter is Anna's wedding!!! XD
> 
> Remember to comment and Kudos, guys, the more I get the more inspired I am!!

Opening day was stressful, busy, and exhausting.

Castiel couldn't have been happier.

Everyone he knew came by the bakery to order something and be moral support.  Gabriel drove up from Miami, singing Castiel’s praises to anyone who'd listen, and between the two of them they took enough custom orders that Cas had no more availability until September.  Dean surprised Cas by taking the whole day off, hanging around to help with both the bakery and Cas’ mental state.  As soon as the stress would spike, or the amount of people and orders at the counter would become overwhelming, Dean would be there with a soft touch and a warm smile, soothing Cas’ nerves and filling him up with happiness instead.

In spite of Cas’ worry, business didn't disappear in the days after his grand opening, and while Cas came home from work exhausted and filthy, he finally felt good about his life.  His bakers were amazing people to be around, he was happy with his work, and with Anna’s wedding rapidly approaching and Dean by his side, he felt like even his family life was sorting itself out.

That wasn't to say his and Dean’s relationship was perfect, they would argue, bicker, and generally get on each other's nerves.  Most of the arguments hardly lasted a few minutes before they were laughing at themselves, kissing away their annoyance, only a rare few times did they ever become full on angry spats.  Those harsher arguments would start because one or the other was irritated and tired, and by the end of it, they would both be sulking on their respective side of the bed.  It wouldn't take long, though, and Dean would apologize to Cas for smothering him, or Cas would apologize for being too hard on himself.  It always came back to those same themes, and Cas figures it could always be something worse than caring too much about each other.  They had managed so far to not go to bed angry, always talking through their feelings before they got worse.  A true accomplishment for both of them, since they both were shit at talking about their feelings, Dean had pointed out once with a laugh.

Today was going to be one of those hard days, Cas could already tell.  It had been three weeks since the grand opening, three weeks of ten hour days and six day weeks, even if one of the six days was spent in the office just doing paperwork, and even enjoying the work didn't make up for his utter exhaustion.  One of the ovens had refused to turn on that morning, and even though the tech got there to fix it quickly, it had set the work back too far to catch up, and their display case was half empty for almost the whole day.  He'd ended up sending some workers home simply because there wasn't much for them to do, and his assistant manager, Hannah, true to her OCD, had given Cas a list of what sales they’d missed, so they could prepare in advance should the oven break again.  It wasn't about the money for Cas, but seeing those numbers written on paper still made him a bit angry, and he was in a sour mood by the time he left the bakery for home.

Dean had been promoted to a manager a week ago, so he spent more time home at night, his shifts starting at the bar around ten or eleven.  Dean was still getting used to his new schedule, but he usually tried to have dinner made when Cas got home, which was a blessing when he was hardly awake enough to stand.  Dean was sitting on the couch when Cas walked in, a beer in his hand and talking on the phone with someone, the kitchen unused.  He didn't appear to hear Cas walk in, his focus on the phone call.  As Cas toed off his shoes, resigning himself to making his own dinner, he couldn't help but hear what Dean was saying.

“I know, but this isn't gonna… Give me a break, I'm in Florida now… It's not my problem, he’s not my kid.”  Cas froze, staring at the back of Dean’s head.  “See, that's part of the problem.  I never signed up for that… Well, yeah, I do, but that’s not the point… There's a reason we broke up, Lisa, and I know I'm about 90% of that reason, but what you're doing right now?  That's the other fucking 10%...”   _Lisa._  That explained the comment about the kid.  “For Ben’s sake, just stop this… No…Just stop… Well, I am.”  He hung up, downing the rest of his beer, and when he turned to place it on the end table, he noticed Cas.  He stuffed his phone in his pocket, his eyes wide in surprise and his ears turning pink.  

“Everything alright?” Cas asked, walking into the kitchen to see about dinner.  It wasn't like Dean was doing something wrong, Cas had heard enough of the conversation to know that, so why did Dean seem so worried?

“Uh, yeah… Lisa, she um, she calls sometimes, to tell me what's going on with Ben, let him say hi.”  Dean was rubbing the back of his head nervously now, and Cas shrugged, walking over to the pantry.

“You've never mentioned it before,” he points out.  He’s not sure what, but something in his voice, as he distractedly searches the pantry for the mac and cheese he knows is in there, must sound off to Dean, because Dean’s next words are terse and oddly quiet.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  The energy in the room shifts, turning into something hard and edgy, and Cas sighs, looking up at Dean.

“It doesn't mean anything, Dean, it's just an observation.”  Dean raises an eyebrow in disbelief, and a little bit of annoyance leaks into Cas’ already irked mood.  He turns his attention back to the pantry.  “I'm just tired, and I have to get up early tomorrow.  Remember, Anna’s flight?”  Cas finally finds the box and sets it on the counter, digging out the small pot.

“I've told Lisa to stop, it's not fair to either of them, but she keeps calling.  I don't think she understands why I left,” Dean continued explaining, even though Cas didn’t ask him to.  Cas set his water to boil, grabbing a beer from the fridge.  He was too tired to worry about Dean’s ex when his sister was flying in the next morning at some ungodly hour to prepare for the wedding.  Lisa was part of Dean’s past, and Cas was fine leaving her there.

“It's fine, Dean,” Cas says, waving his hand a bit dismissively.  Dean frowns.

“You alright?” he asks, irritation in his voice now.  Cas shrugs, pouring the macaroni in the pan.

“I had an oven go down today.  Down to half capacity all morning.  Kind of a shit day, to be honest.”

“Did you call Nick?”  The mechanic was a friend of Dean and Benny’s who did work for the bar, and when Cas had opened Dean gave him Nick’s number.

“Yes, Dean, and he did very good work,” Cas stared at the water, willing his macaroni to cook faster.  “Doesn't make up for half a days lost time.”

“Just asking,” Dean muttered, and Cas didn't even have to see him to picture his arms crossed and the sour look on Dean’s face.   _What the hell?_  It seemed like Dean was _trying_ to pick a fight.

“You sure _you're_ okay?  You seem a little on edge,” Cas said, turning to frown at Dean.  Dean shrugged.

“Yeah, well, hearing from my ex isn't exactly rainbows and butterflies.”

“Then don't answer the phone,” Cas said simply.  Dean scoffed, his shoulders squaring off and becoming defensive.  Cas knew it was the wrong thing to say but he wasn’t backing down.

“Because I'd make a dick move like that,” Dean snapped.  Cas shrugged.

“It just seemed like the logical solution if talking to her makes you that uncomfortable.”

“Don't do that,” Dean mumbled tiredly, walking across the kitchen and dropping his empty bottle in the recycle bin, reaching into the fridge for another beer.  Cas sipped at his own drink, his focus on the food in front of him.

“Do what?” he asked, honestly confused.

“Make it seem all simple and shit.  You know Lisa and I are anything _but_ uncomplicated.”  Cas knocked the spoon a bit too hard against the side of the pot.  He didn't understand why Dean wasn't letting this go, and he wasn't in the mood for it.

“What do you want me to say, Dean?  You want me to freak out like a jealous boyfriend or something?  I'm tired, I’ve had a shitty day, I just want to eat and go to bed, so I can pick up my sister in the morning.”  Dean chugged half his beer, his frown growing deeper.

“I don't _want_ you to say anything, Cas.  Maybe just don't act like my past relationships don't matter.”

“I didn't say that,” Cas snapped.  “What has gotten into you tonight?” he asked harshly.  Before Dean could answer, there was a jingle of keys in the lock, and Jess came in from her evening walk, pushing Henry’s stroller through the door first.  She looked up and smiled when she saw them, but her smile faded immediately when she sensed the mood in the room.

“Hey, guys,” she said cautiously.  Dean set his jaw, spinning on his heel and walking upstairs.  Cas let his breath out in a heavy sigh.

“Hello, Jess.  How was your walk?” he asked, draining the water from the pasta.  

“Good,” she said cautiously, lifting Henry gently from his carrier where it was hooked to the stroller.  He squirmed and fussed a bit before settling into her arm.  “What was that all about?” she asked, adjusting Henry’s onesie.  Cas set the pot back on the stove, pulling the milk and butter from the fridge.

“I had a crappy day, and Dean got a phone call from his ex.”  She blinked at him a few times, and he ran his hand through his hair.  “It's really not a big deal, I think we were both just itching for a fight.”  She walked up and wrapped her free arm around him in a sideways hug.

“Sorry, sweetie.  He’ll pull his head out of his ass soon enough.”  She ruffled his hair fondly.  “Hey, just remember makeup sex is the _best_ sex,” she teased with a wink.  No one was immune to the charms of Jessica Moore, and Cas felt some of his irritation fade, his lips _almost_ curling into his first smile all day.

“There's a child present,” he mumbled, stirring the cheese mix into the pasta.  She giggled, tucking Henry a little closer to her and kissing his small tuft of blonde hair gently.

“Darn, I was going to give you some pointers.”  She pat Cas on the shoulder one more time, a genuine smile in her eyes as he dished up his dinner.  “I'm going to go shower.  Let me know if you want to talk about it before bed, okay?” she offered, walking towards her and Sam’s bedroom.  

“Thanks, but I think I just need sleep,” Cas sighed.  She gave him one more smile before turning the corner.  Cas took his bowl and moved to the dining table, sitting down with a heavy sigh and quickly eating his dinner, the chilled mood settling back on his shoulders.  Maybe he should have been a bit more patient with Dean, he obviously felt guilty about Lisa calling him, even if that guilt was unfounded.  Neither of them were very secure about their relationship, and those insecurities were going to drive a wedge in them if they let them.  He heard the muffled sounds of Jess and Sam talking from their bedroom.  It amazed him that even though the two of them were constantly exhausted because of the baby, he never heard or saw them fight.  He felt his cheeks flush in belated embarrassment.  It wasn't the first time Jess or Sam had walked in on one of his and Dean’s silly arguments, they weren't exactly subtle about it.  He ran a hand through his hair, his mood falling a bit further.  If he could hardly handle his job without getting moody, how would he ever handle being a _parent_?

He heard the baby start fussing from the other room, breaking him out of his thoughts.  Cas stood, putting his dish in the sink and pulling one of the bottles out of the mini fridge they’d set up in the corner of the kitchen for Jess’ pumped milk, getting to work warming it.  By the time Sam came out in the kitchen with a loudly unhappy Henry, Cas was handing him the prepped bottle.  Sam looked between Cas and the bottle, taking it with a surprised look on his face.

“Thanks, Cas.”  Cas nodded, looking down at Henry, watching as his eyes close happily once Sam tested the temperature on his wrist and slipped the bottle in his mouth.  He really was a beautiful baby, but with parents like Jess and Sam, he basically had won the genetic lottery.  A tiny fist reached up to rest against the bottle, one leg kicking restlessly as he chugged.  He was so small and fragile, emphasized by the size of Sam’s arms as he held him, a reason Cas had never really held him for longer than a few minutes.  He just didn't trust himself with something so special.

“You feeling alright, Cas?” Sam asked, and Cas realized he must have been staring for a while.  He turned quickly and walked to the sink, rinsing out his dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, just for something to do with his hands.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just…”  He paused, wanting to ask a question, but afraid of the fact he even wanted to ask it.  “Aren’t you worried?  About being a good parent?”  Sam chuckled, his gaze dropping to his son.

“I’m absolutely terrified, Cas.  Every single day I look at him, and I realize I have no idea what I’m doing.”  The bare honesty in his voice made Cas feel better about asking, it let him know Sam was taking this seriously.  He looked up at Cas, a reassuring smile on his face.  “That’s the thing about parenting, Cas, no one is really ready for it.  No one has any idea what they’re doing, they just… do their best, whatever that may be.  Some people do great, others…just aren't up to the job.”  Sam’s gaze fell back to his son.  “I have no idea what type of man my son will grow up to be, but hopefully, I'll do my best, and he'll become a good man.”  Cas wasn’t sure why but Sam’s answer made him feel a bit better.

“Waxing poetic a bit,” Cas jested, breaking the sentimental mood gently.

“As long as I don't start making dad jokes,” Sam laughed.  Cas chuckled, looking down at Henry one last time.

“Good night, Sam,” Cas said quietly.

“Night, Cas.”  

Cas climbed the stairs slowly, unsure what he was going to find when he walked in the bedroom, but determined not to argue with Dean anymore that night.  He pushed the door open to find Dean in bed leaning on the headboard, still in his work clothes, headphones on and a distant look in his eyes.  Cas stripped down to nothing but boxers, pulling on some sweats and moving to the bathroom to wash up and brush his teeth.  When he walked back out into the bedroom, Dean hadn't moved, but he had taken off his headphones, which was a step in the right direction at least.

“I'm setting an alarm for 5,” Cas said quietly, moving to his side of the bed and setting up the alarm on his phone before plugging it in and curling up under the covers.  Dean didn’t respond right away, the silence lingering for a minute as Cas tried to come up with something to break the silence.  Luckily, Dean spoke up before he had to.

“Why are you so calm about this?”  His words were soft, not accusatory as Cas rolled over to face him.

“About Lisa calling?” he asked just to clarify.  Dean nodded, his gaze focused on the wall across from their bed.  “Because she lives halfway across the country,” Cas listed off calmly.  “Because you were the one that left her.  Because of how you sounded on the phone.  Because I trust you.”  Dean’s head fell back and knocked against the wall quietly.

“I almost married her, Cas.”  His voice was strained, and Cas sat up to see him better.  “We were okay together, and Ben is a great kid.  I thought that was going to be my last shot, me and her, and I was ready to settle for that.  It didn't matter that I didn't really love her, if I made that choice, I would have stayed with her.”  There was something like fear on Dean’s face, and in the way his voice trembled.

“What's going on?” Cas asked gently.  Dean scrubbed his hand over his face, still refusing to look at Cas.

“I almost didn't meet you, Cas.  Because of her I almost didn't come here to live with my brother.  I almost didn't find you soaking wet in the library parking lot.  I almost-” he swallowed hard, “I almost didn't fall in love with you.  And when I think about that, about how you would have had a life without me, and I would have had a life without you… It fucking hurts, Cas.”  Realization dawned on Cas like a sucker punch to his gut.  Dean saw Lisa as his turning point, she was the one that would have kept him from Cas, from their life together.  Cas had brushed her off, like she didn't mean anything, when to Dean she was not only an ex, she was so much more.

“And when I didn't appear to care that she called…” he finished his thought out loud.  Dean squeezed his eyes shut, and Cas physically felt Dean’s fear and pain wash over him.  “Oh, Dean, I'm sorry.”  He pulled Dean into his arms, sliding behind him and framing him with his legs, gripping him tightly.  “Baby, I'm here,” Cas breathed into Dean’s ear.  “I'm right here, you found me, okay?”  Dean’s arms uncrossed and his hands grabbed hold of Cas’ forearm.  “At risk of sounding hypocritical, you can't cling to the past like that.  Don't worry about the what ifs, I've already learned that the hard way.”  Dean settled back into Cas’ arms, turning his head to look up at him.

“I know, you're right, Cas.  And it's pretty damn stupid that I was worried when you _didn't_ freak out on me, but I'm just- god I'm so worried all the time that I'm going to fuck this up somehow.”  This was a recurring theme in their arguments, Dean worried he was going to do something wrong when most of the time _Cas_ was at fault.  He pressed his lips against the back of Dean’s head, and he didn’t have to search long for what he wanted to say.

“I know I'm not always the most attentive, or outwardly affectionate person,” Cas said quietly, bending his head to rest his forehead on Dean’s shoulder.  “I know that I don’t always show in my actions how much I need you.  But if it weren't for you, I would never know what love feels like.  I may be selfish, and maybe it makes me a bad person but honestly, I'm glad you left Lisa.  Because I get to have you, now, I get to grow with you, I get to love you.”  Dean turned his head, pressing his lips against Cas’ temple.

“As long as you don't think less of me for feeling just as selfish about having you,” he whispered.  Cas smiled, nudging Dean’s cheek gently with his chin.

“Never,” he breathed.  “I'm sorry.”  He said it again, even though he knew it wasn't necessary.  Dean nodded.

“Yeah, me too.”  Dean ran his thumb in small circles against Cas’ forearm.  “Now if you could take your own advice, and I could stop being so insecure, we just might make it through this smooth sailing.”  Cas chuckled.

“Because _that's_ going to happen.”  He felt Dean’s small laugh before he gave Cas’ arms a squeeze and sat up, turning to look at him.  Cas reached out and ran a hand over his cheek, his thumb tracing the line of his lower lip.  He would never get used to the feeling he got, when Dean would look at him so open, full of adoration.  “So, we okay?”  He blushed at the tremble in his voice, and Dean smiled, nodding against Cas’ hand.

“We’re good, Cas.  Let me get ready for bed.”  He turned and kissed the inside of Cas’ wrist before standing, and a chill ran up Cas’ arm and down his spine.  He watched Dean walk into the bathroom, and when the door closed, he flopped back onto his pillows, his fingers tracing the skin on his wrist and a soft smile on his face.

He in no way deserved to have a man like Dean in his life.  A man who gives so much of himself, who does everything he can to make sure Cas is taken care of, is happy.  All Cas managed to do in the time they’d known each other was ignore his feelings for six months and bring in a lifetime of emotional baggage.  Cas was struck with an urge to give back, to show Dean how much he meant to him, to give Dean some of the happiness Dean had given him.  Another chill ran up his arm and he blushed even though he was alone.  

There was _one_ thing he could think of to bring it all full circle…

He was more than ready, and after the emotional turn their evening took, he needed to be close to Dean, needed to feel that security, that intimacy that comes with physical touch.

Tonight was _the_ night.

When Dean left the bathroom and climbed into bed in a tshirt and boxers, leaning against the headboard next to Cas, it was all Cas could do to keep his heart from beating out of his chest.  Cas shifted to rest his head on Dean’s chest, feeling Dean’s arm wrap around his back, his lips press a soft kiss into Cas’s hair.  He felt a stirring in his sweats, anticipation already sending blood south.  Cas’ hand traced small patterns on Dean’s chest and stomach, feeling the curves and lines of his muscles through his shirt, following the patterns of the tattoos under the fabric where he knew they were inked into his skin.  As Cas’ fingers explored, Dean was doing his best to remain calm, to ignore Cas’ touch, but Cas picked up on the set of his jaw where it rested on the top of his head, and the subtle increase in the rise and fall of his chest.  He wondered if he was just as obvious to Dean, his racing heart and short breaths.

“Dean,” Cas breathed, barely above a whisper, turning his eyes up to Dean’s.

“Hmm?”

“I'm ready, if you are.”  Cas was barely able to get the words out above a whisper, forcing them out on an exhale.  Realization dawned on Dean’s face, and his eyes lit up so beautifully Cas had to lean into his neck, pressing a soft kiss against his skin to hide his furious blush.

“Cas, are you sure you want to, tonight I mean?”   _Damn this man._ Before nerves could get the best of him, Cas rolled the rest of his body against Dean’s side, his half hardness pressing against Dean’s hip.  Dean’s body tensed up immediately.

“I need you _because_ of tonight, Dean.  I think- I think we _both_ need this.”  Cas risked looking up again, to make sure Dean knew he was serious, and Dean nibbling on his lip nervously because of _sex_ is the cutest fucking thing Cas has ever seen.

“I don't want to hide anything behind sex,” Dean mumbled.  Cas shakes his head, rolling in closer, grasping at his confidence and hoping it would hold out.

“I want to share this with you, to be as close to you as possible.  Life has kinda gotten in our way, recently and I, I need to feel you, Dean.”  His assurance seems to be good enough, because Dean’s arm pulled him tight, his lips pressed into Cas’ forehead.  Dean’s free hand ran slowly up his arm and neck to cup his cheek.  “I love you,” Cas sighed, feeling goosebumps spread along his skin as Dean’s thumb traced his jaw.

“Cas I- I don't have… I don't have the words to…”  Cas sat up, sealing his lips over Dean’s, silencing him with a soft kiss.  Dean’s hand released his jaw, sliding up into his hair, and Cas broke the kiss to exhale heavily.

“Enough talking,” he hummed.  Dean nodded, fingers gently scratching along his scalp.  “You've been so good to me,” Cas sighed, slowly sliding his leg over Dean’s, sitting on his lower thighs, moving his hands up his chest to wrap around his neck.  “You deserve this.”  Their eyes locked and held tight, Cas would be unable to break away if he had wanted to.

“You do too, angel,” Dean breathed.  Cas couldn't help the little smile on his face at the nickname.  That little word that gave him a happy tingle in his chest whenever it left Dean’s lips.  Dean’s hands were passively resting on Cas’ outer thighs, and he knew Dean wanted him to lead on this.  Sometime he was going to work Dean up, get him to take control, but for now, Cas was fine taking the lead.

“You know,” he said, lowering the timber of his voice, thrilled to see Dean shiver, “you're allowed to touch me.”  He took Dean's wrists and slid his hands up, placing Dean’s hands just over his waistband, right where the lines of his hips curved downward.  Dean swallowed hard, his green eyes wide and his cheeks flush as his fingers took hold.  “I know you've wanted this,” Cas continued, his voice rumbling in his chest, “and I want it, too.  I want _you_ , Dean.”  A moan escaped the man below him, and Dean's hands slid around to his lower back, pulling Cas closer, his knees sliding forward along the sheets to either side of Dean’s hips.

“Cas, do you know what you do to me?” Dean gasped, his hands brushing up Cas’ sides slowly, mapping the dips and planes along his torso, his touches reverent.  “You know what I want to do to you?”  Cas felt his skin flush all over, his hands occupied pulling Dean’s shirt off and tossing it on the floor.  Cas’ fingers were immediately drawn to the lines of his tattoos, tracing over the inked skin gently.  Dean’s chest and stomach rose and fell rapidly under Cas’ fingers as they moved over the inked symbols leading down to the hem of his pants.  They were both hard, but there was no hurry to their movement; they had waited this long, they both could wait a little longer to do this right.  

Dean’s next exhale came out as a soft moan, and Cas looked up from the patterns his fingers were tracing to meet Dean’s eyes.  An amusing mix of joy, lust, and nervousness looked back at him, Dean’s mouth slightly parted in a half smile.  Cas skated his hands up Dean’s chest, the skin warm beneath his palms,  fingers linking together as hands wrapped around his neck to pull him close.  Lips met in a brief but heated exchange, and Cas leaned his forehead on Dean’s when he broke away.

“How do you want this?” Cas panted gently against Dean’s lips.  Dean shivered and ran a hand over the curve of Cas’ shoulder blade and down, the other moving up to brush his cheek.

“This is your night, Angel,” his breath was hot against Cas’ skin, the endearment sending a shiver through his body.  “This is all about you.  Whatever you want.”  Cas let his lips brush Dean’s a few times, soft kisses to reassure him as he took a moment to try and think.   _Him on his back, Dean leaning over him, sliding inside him_ .  He moaned softly, running a hand into Dean’s hair, gently pulling at the short strands, and when Dean let out a soft gasp against his lips, another image surfaced.   _Dean looking up at him, face slack with want, his knees tucked up against Cas’ ribs as he leaned over him…_  A wave of strong heat spread through him, and he gasped against Dean’s mouth.

“I want to fuck you,” he hummed, smiling at the way the words felt on his lips.  Dean looked surprised for a brief moment, the look comical considering the situation.  Cas leaned in, taking Dean’s lower lip between his teeth before soothing it with his tongue, wiping the dumbfounded look off his face with a giggle.  Dean trembled, wrapping his arms tight around Cas’ waist and pulling him even closer, sliding him across the rest of the distance between them.  Their groins made contact and a surge of electricity ran through Cas’ body, making him shiver.  “Dean…”

“Yes, Cas, yes,” Dean nearly whined, pulling him in for a deep kiss.  Tongues languidly explored each other, tracing the familiar patterns of the other’s mouth, hands constantly moving along skin, leaving heat and chills in their wake.  Cas didn't think his hands had ever been so restless, nerves twitching every time they rested in one place for too long.  Cas broke the kiss to pant against Dean’s skin.

“So perfect, Dean, everything about you is perfect, your soul your body, everything..”  Cas wasn't aware he was speaking until Dean chuckled.

“You ain't so bad yourself, hot shot.”  Cas dropped his head in embarrassment, smiling as Dean pressed a handful of kisses in his hair.  In no big hurry, Cas reached around behind Dean, pulling the excess pillows from behind him so he could lay down fully on the bed.  Cas leaned over him, bending his head to kiss at the tender skin on Dean’s neck, heavy breaths from the man below him escalating into small groans.  Dean took firm hold of Cas’ hips again, bending his knees to plant his feet on the bed, which slid Cas’ hips into place against Dean’s lap.  Sparks went off when their hips lined up.

“Ngh- _Dean_ ,” Cas gasps, dizzy with emotion and desire.  Dean just hums in response, hands sliding up Cas’ thighs to the waistband of his pants.  With just a look from Dean, Cas nodded his understanding, reaching behind him to push Dean’s legs flat on the bed so he could slide off of him, not missing the whine that slipped through Dean’s lips.  He stood slowly, letting his sweats fall to the floor, reaching over to tug on Dean’s boxers.  Dean was watching his hands move, almost in disbelief, like he couldn't believe Cas was actually doing this.  

Cas couldn't stop the grin from spreading across his face, amazed with himself as well.  Another tug at his boxers, and Dean’s hips were lifting from the mattress to allow them to slip away.  Cas gives Dean a smirk, dropping them on the floor before sliding out of his own underwear.  He watches Dean hurriedly grab the lube from his bedside table, setting it on the bed next to him with an awkward blush before returning his eyes to Cas, a soft smile on his lips.  Cas is suddenly, and embarrassingly, glad they'd both gotten tested just after making this official in January.  Knowing that, for their first time, there would be nothing between them had his heart jumping erratically in his chest, so much so he freezes where he stands.

“Come here, Castiel.”  Dean sounds like he's praying, his eyes glossy and shining as he stares unashamedly at Cas.  Cas shakes himself out of his daze and climbs up between Dean’s knees slowly, trembling hands running over his thighs up to his hips.

“I apologize for not recognizing how attractive you are sooner.”  Cas attempts to joke, but Dean’s soft laugh isn't mocking, it's comforting.

“I tried to tell you, this body is a hot commodity,” Dean says, giving Cas exaggerated ‘bedroom eyes’.

“Well, it's mine, now,” Cas purred as he caresses the pronounced curve of Dean’s hip with his right hand, bracing himself up over Dean with his left.  Dean practically giggled, wiggling his eyebrows up at Cas, his legs spreading naturally to accommodate Cas between them.  

Cas starts to feel it, even though they were both attempting to relieve the tension with humor.  He still feels the weight of knowing the next step they're about to take is new territory for them.  Cas can't help feeling nervous, but when he leans in and presses his lips to Dean’s, the feel of his lover’s hand running gently through his hair, the other sliding along his back, his nerves leave him.  He breaks himself away from Dean’s mouth, his lips eager to return to the sensitive skin along his neck, losing himself in the scent of leather and Old Spice.

“Mmm, _Angel_ ,” Dean moans, rolling his hips slowly, and Cas hums into his neck.  He takes hold of the lube and slides down Dean’s body, worshipping the skin of Dean’s chest with soft kisses and touches, grinning each time the muscle twitches in response.  He slips lower, tracing each of the six symbols along Dean’s stomach with the tip of his tongue.  

 _Family,_ Dean sighs heavily.

 _Strength,_ Dean groans softly.

 _Love,_ Dean’s right hand finds Cas’ hair.

 _Passion,_ Dean’s hips roll up on instinct.

 _Heart_ , “Cas...ngh,” Dean pants, his left hand gripping the sheets white knuckled.

 _Desire._  Cas looks up Dean’s body as Dean keens deep in his throat.  Dean's eyes are locked on him as Cas ducks his head the last couple inches and takes Dean into his mouth.

“ _Fuck!”_ Dean gasps out, his head falling back as his eyes slid shut.  Cas bobs slowly a few times before pressing his tongue to Dean's tip, the slightly bitter taste overridden by Dean’s soft noises of pleasure.  He slid down Dean’s shaft again, taking as much as he could, swallowing around him before pulling up and repeating the process.  “Oh, _shit_ ,” Dean gasped out, trailing off into a moan as Cas flattened his tongue against the underside of Dean’s arousal, sliding up slowly before releasing him.  Dean whined at the loss of contact.

“Shhh,” Cas breathed.  He was getting a high off of this, of having Dean at his mercy, making him come apart.  Tonight, this most important of nights, Cas found himself unable to get enough of the sounds spilling from Dean’s lips, pride and lust surging through him each time.  He placed soft kisses against Dean’s inner thighs before sitting up, grabbing the bottle of lube with shaking fingers.

“This is supposed to be about you, Angel,” Dean gasped out a laugh, his breathing heavy.  Cas lifted Dean’s leg below the knee, encouraging him to open up even more and give Cas better access.  Cas’ eyes drop to his own situation before returning to Dean’s.

“You don't know what you do to me, when you're like this,” Cas purred, smiling gently as Dean followed Cas’ gaze and swallowed hard, wide green eyes looking back up into his blue ones.  Cas tucks Dean’s right leg gently over his shoulder before he leaned forward to kiss Dean deeply, resting on his left elbow, trying to ease his own nerves.  He slicked up his right hand and slid his lubed finger along Dean’s entrance.  Dean moaned into Cas’ mouth and broke away for air.

“ _Yes,_ Cas please,” he gasped.  Cas slowly pushed his finger past Dean’s entrance, and Dean's arms wrapped around him tightly, fingers digging into Cas’ back.  Cas’ finger moved in and out of the soft heat of Dean’s body, and _fuck_ Dean must have been doing this on his own, his body accepting his intrusion so easily.   Thoughts of Dean pleasing himself in the shower or when home alone set off pulses of pleasure through his abdomen.  Had Dean been thinking of Cas?  Had he imagined Cas fucking him as he would work himself open?  He felt dangerously close to coming untouched, so he forced his focus back to what he was doing, pushing the images out of his mind.   _For now_.  Dean alternated between kissing Cas and panting against his lips, wordless moans slipping from him as Cas slowly stretched him.  It wasn't long before he had three fingers moving easily, and he started to search for Dean’s prostate.  It didn't take long to find, and Dean arched underneath him, his breath seizing in his throat, and Cas gently continued to stretch him, slowly massaging his prostate as he did.  Watching Dean fall apart below him had his own pleasure spiking again.

“ _Dean…_ ”

“I'm more than ready,” Dean purred against Cas’ lips, and Cas sat up slowly.  Dean nodded up at him eagerly, whining as Cas’ fingers left him to spread some lube on his arousal.  Cas shushed him, shakily sliding his hands behind his knees to lift his hips, adjusting the angle and… _ohgodyesfuck_ .  Dean’s body, while stretched and pliant, still tensed around him, and a sound Cas didn't even know he could make escaped his throat.  Once seated, he paused to catch his breath, squeezing his eyes shut against the sensation.  It was warm, and soft, and so tight, and _fuck_ he had never felt anything like this.

“Ngh, god _Dean…”_

“You okay?” Dean gasped, and when Cas forces his eyes back open, Dean was looking up at Cas just how he'd pictured.  His face was filled with love and desire, his skin flushed and shining even in the dim light from the lamp outside their window.

“Amazing,” Cas said breathlessly, “but I don't know how long this is going to last,” he giggled.  Dean nodded, rolling his hips slowly, lifting a leg up to Cas’ shoulder, his little movements on Cas torturously fantastic.  He seemed to be searching for something, and when he arched and gasped Cas guessed he found it.

“Right there, Angel, just...right there,” Dean nearly whined.  Cas kept his hips at the angle Dean found and started to move, losing himself in the warmth of his lover.  

“Oh, _Dean,”_ he groaned, and it was the last intelligible thing he was able to say.  Coherent thought was slipping away as the waves of pleasure radiating from where he and Dean were joined overcame everything else in his mind.

“ _Castiel,”_ Dean grunted, his hands grasping, searching for a part of Cas to hold onto, finally resting on his shoulders.  Cas was teetering on the edge, trying to hold out for Dean, keeping his pace steady in spite of his need for release.  Dean met his eyes, green staring at him and through him.  “I've got you,” he breathed, a hand reaching out to trace his chin, thumb dipping between his lips, “Angel, I've got you, just let it happen.”  Cas managed a few weak thrusts, watching a tear slip from the corner of Dean’s eye, and as he leaned in and kissed it away, he let go.

A wave of warmth flooded him, every cell in his body filling with it and spilling over as he spilled into Dean.  It wasn't a hard punch, the frantic build to a peak, it was more his body just relaxing into the pleasure, floating away on it, and he’d never felt anything so wonderful in his whole life.  His lips sealed over Dean's as his hand found Dean’s arousal, and a few short pulls later Dean sighed into his mouth, his release coating their stomachs and Cas’ hand.

Cas slid slowly out of Dean and dropped onto his side, cuddled next to him as close as possible.  Dean grabbed a shirt to hastily clean up with, returning to Cas’ arms with a happy sigh.  They lay together, sharing chaste kisses, fingers brushing through hair, over skin, along lips; small touches that said so much.  

“That was incredible,” Dean huffed, squeezing Cas tightly.

“I’m sorry I didn't, um, well that it wasn't longer,” Cas mumbled, smiling against Dean’s skin.  Dean pressed his lips against Cas’ hair with a soft laugh.

“You know that doesn't matter, right?  Quick sex can be just as fantastic as slow lovemaking.”  Cas giggled.

“You are an adorable softy, by the way,” he teased.  Dean raised an eyebrow.

“Really?  Me?”  Cas nodded, lazily brushing his lips against Dean’s chin.

“You cried,” he hummed, “one single man tear.  I saw it, and now I’ll never let you forget it.”

“I did not,” Dean flushed, “I mean yeah, it was intense, probably the most intense sex I've ever had, but _crying?”_  Cas just cuddled into Dean, resting his head under his chin.

“Whatever you say,” he cooed.  Dean grumbled for a few moments, until Cas sealed his lips with a kiss to silence him.

 

Cas woke up before sunrise the next day, May 19th, fumbling with his alarm on his phone groggily.  He attempted to sit up, but a grunt from behind him and the tightening of arms around his chest kept him in place.  He basked in the warm memory of the night before for a few more minutes before breaking the spell.

“Dean, I have to get up,” he sighed, attempting to pull away again.

“Don't wanna,” Dean muttered, burying his face in Cas’ back.  Cas tried taking hold of Dean’s limbs to pry them off, but he didn't seem to have any strength in his own arms to do so.

“You don't have to, I do,” Cas pointed out.  Dean grumbled again and let Cas slip out of his arms.  Cas stood and made his way to the bathroom, turning on the shower to warm up while brushing his teeth.  Just as he was about to step into the shower, the bathroom door cracked and Dean’s sheepish face peered in.

“No use in wasting water on a second shower, right?” he murmured adorably.  Cas rolled his eyes and smiled at Dean.

“Come on.”  Dean walked in, still gloriously naked from the night before and climbed into the shower, holding the curtain for Cas as he climbed in.  Cas had barely closed the curtain behind him when Dean was kissing him, pressing him into the tiled wall, Cas’ surprised grunt swallowed by Dean’s insistent lips.  He'd just started to recover his balance when Dean pulled back ever so slightly.

“Last night was amazing,” Dean gasped against Cas’ mouth, rutting against him with surprising vigor for someone who was barely awake just minutes before.  Cas moaned softly, his body already responding to Dean’s movements.  He knew he wanted Dean to take control, he hadn't factored on it being this soon.

“Dean, we don't,” he gasped as Dean’s lips explored his neck and shoulders, “we don't have time to-”

“I'm already good to go,” he breathed suggestively, and a sudden flood of warmth had Cas’ body ready to go as well.  Dean fumbled behind the shampoo, producing a tiny opaque bottle.  He licked into Cas’ mouth as he rubbed a lubed hand over Cas’ erection.  

“You're insatiable,” Cas grunted, hips moving into the unexpected but amazing tunnel of Dean’s fist.  Dean nibbled at Cas’ collarbone, looking up at him with wide, hungry eyes, and Cas was done.  “Turn around,” he demanded.  Dean smirked and spun, pressing his forearms against the shower wall and canting his hips back.  “Holy hell, Dean _,”_ Cas groaned, trembling hands caressing the expanse of skin laid out in front of him.

“Fuck me,” Dean hummed, raw lust making his voice husky.  Cas snatched the small bottle off the ledge where Dean left it and poured some out in his hand.  The warm water against Cas’ back grounded him as he slipped a finger inside him, quickly followed by the second.  Dean was right, he was still well stretched from the night before, and Cas stepped forward to line himself up.

“You sure?” Cas breathed, hesitating one last time, he didn't want to hurt Dean.  His only warning was an annoyed huff before Dean leaned back, sinking himself onto Cas with a punched out grunt.  “ _Fuck,”_ Cas hissed, leaning forward to catch himself against the shower wall, his forehead pressed against Dean’s shoulders.

“Come on, angel,” Dean groaned, and Cas gave himself over to the feeling, setting a rhythm he'd been too overwhelmed to work up to the night before.  His right hand was grasping Dean’s hip tightly, the other pressed to the tile wall just next to Dean’s head.  Broken moans tumbled from Dean and Cas again felt the edge rapidly approaching, his endurance leaving much to be desired.

“Dean, I’m- I'm gonna-”  Dean pulled Cas’ hand off his hip, guiding it around to his arousal as he arched his back, adjusting the angle of his hips.

“ _Shit,_ Cas,” Dean gasped out, Cas’ fist sliding in time with his hips.  Dean’s head fell back, mouth slack and skin flushed, and Cas had never seen anything so gorgeous.  A few hard thrusts later, he pressed against Dean’s back, his orgasm knocking the wind from him.  He continued the slide of his fist, twisting his wrist just so and Dean’s muscles clenched around him as he came, drawing a shuddering gasp from Cas’ chest.  Cas reached behind him to rinse off his hand before wrapping his arm around Dean’s chest, holding him close.  He slid out of Dean and didn't miss the way he winced.

“You okay?” he asked through heavy breaths.  Dean nodded, his hand finding Cas’ where it held him and slipping his fingers into Cas’.

“Fucking fantastic.  Had this particular fantasy since my birthday,” Dean’s laugh was breathy, and Cas felt his cheeks flush at the memory.  When he was sure he'd be able to stand on his own, Cas leaned back, grabbing the body wash and gently washing the man in front of him, turning Dean around to clean his front.

“What brought this on?” Cas asked quietly.  "Not that I'm complaining."  He let Dean wash him, turning his back and sighing happily as Dean’s fingers massaged shampoo into his scalp.

“I don't know.  Last night was amazing but… it was too heavy, I think.  We made love, more intensely than I have my whole life.  This morning… I just…”  Cas turned to rinse the shampoo out, looking at Dean curiously.

“Just what?”  Dean blushed, but gave Cas a smirk.

“I just wanted a good fuck, I guess.”  Cas finished rinsing and switched places with Dean, shampooing his hair and letting him turn to rinse.

“You sure that's all?” Cas asked gently.  Dean leaned in and kissed him, love and confidence in the way his lips moved against Cas’.

“I promise, beautiful.”  Once Cas nodded and smiled back, Dean leered at him again.  “And also because I know I'm not getting much action with your family around.”  Cas laughed, gently shoving Dean aside to turn off the water.

“Like I said, insatiable,” he sighed, climbing out of the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is kicking my butt, hope this one holds you over while I figure the next one out!! Love you guys thank you so much for reading!


	18. Author's note

Adulting has been kicking my butt lately, sorry for yet another slow update guys!  Between work and friends and a husband and general stress it's been slow going lately.  I do have an endgame planned for this, and a direction, but the journey there has been slow moving.

I wanted to take a moment to let you know that CH 18 is almost ready for posting, so not too much longer guys.

Also, I've got three new fics running around in my head (a reason my updates are taking so long probably).  Once I've finished this one, which one would you guys like to see next?

 

1) Canon based fic: Set during the final moments of the season 8 finale "Sacrifice", where, instead of running back to heaven and into Metatron's clutches, Cas decides to stay and help Dean and Sam with the last trial.  Naomi is delayed by Cas, so Metatron is apprehended and unable to finish the spell to cast the Angels out.  The gates are closed.   
In the process of giving his aid, Cas loses his grace, and much bunker domesticity ensues.  Original Character x Sam (sorry not sorry), and Destiel.

2) Indiana Jones AU ficlet with Dean as the Indy character and Cas as his nerdy assistant going out in the field for the first time.

3) "Death of a Bachelor" AU fic where PA Dean stands up to rich boss, party animal Castiel, about life, and each chapter is based on a song from the Panic!at the Disco album

 

 Thank you guys for all your comments on this work so far, it's been amazing hearing from you.  Keep it up!

 

Please let me know what you guys think of the possible new fics ❤️  Thank you all for reading ily ❤️


	19. Chapter Eighteen- We Gather Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY A NEW CHAPTER!! Your patience is much appreciated, thank you so much guys! I basically had to rewrite the ending of this chapter to get through my writer's block, so I might be coming back in to make some updates/edits over the next day or so. As usual, comment, kudos, let me know if there's any gaping plot holes... Thanks!!!

Cas made it in time to pick Anna and Michael up from the airport.  Just barely.

After a quick lunch together he drove them to Michael’s sister’s house, where they'd be spending their first couple nights before switching to a hotel.  The entire car ride was filled with easy conversation, but Anna kept giving Cas a strange, smug look.  When he finally gave in and asked her about it, all she did was ask how he and Dean were doing with a knowing smile.

He checked himself in his mirror once she was out of the car, blushing furiously at the small bruise peeking out from just under the collar of his shirt, courtesy of one Dean Winchester.

He couldn't bring himself to be angry.

Cas was working most of the week to make up for the time he'd be taking off for the wedding itself, and as a result he was only able to see his sister a few times as the big day crawled closer.  Michael had a large amount of family who lived in the area, his sister Hally, or Hael to use her real name, whom they were staying with, a brother Ricky, or Raphael to use  _ his  _ real name, his parents, and a smattering of aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Cas had never met any of them outside of Hally, from when he dropped Anna off at her house, and he only knew Ricky’s name because Anna mentioned it constantly when working on the wedding plans.  He was grateful Anna didn't press him into attending any dinners or events with Michael’s family, not because he didn't want to meet them, but because he didn't want to meet them  _ all at once _ .  In spite of everything he'd been through in the past year, Cas was happy Anna still understood some things hadn't changed.

Gabriel arrived a few days after Anna, and spent an entire day with Cas at the bakery.  He actually surprised Cas by strapping on an apron and getting to work in the kitchen himself, side by side with Cas’ top baker, Alfie.  The kid was young but a genius, apparently Gabe had found him just out of culinary school and snatched him up for Cas’ branch immediately.  Whenever Cas was in earshot that day, Gabe would loudly complain about how crazy Anna was being and how hard he was working on the desserts for the reception.  Though since he offered the desserts, including the wedding cake, as a gift to them, Cas took his complaining with a grain of salt and a smile.

Cas was pleased for the distraction his brother represented, because it kept his thoughts off his mother.  She had driven up with Gabriel and her nurse Amy, staying in a small hotel a few miles from Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, where the wedding was being held.  According to Gabe, Amy had been taking her out to the Gardens almost every day to sit and listen to the carillon, and according to Amy it was doing wonders for Naomi’s spirit.  Even Gabe admitted, quietly and honestly, that he hadn't seen her that happy in a long time.

Dean and Cas left for Lake Wales the day before the wedding, their small hotel a bit further down the street from the one everyone else was saying in.  Dean hadn’t said a word or asked Cas for an explanation when he'd booked it, but they both knew it was so they could easily avoid Naomi and the stress that would put on Cas.  Cas felt guilty about it, but before he could tell him, Dean was already there, soothing words and kisses chasing away Cas’ worry.  

They arrived at their hotel around lunch, quietly watching the Food Network, lounging in each other’s quiet company before Cas had to get ready for the rehearsal dinner.  His mom wouldn’t be coming to the dinner, it was too late at night for her to stay up, so Anna had insisted that Cas be there.  He knew she meant well, trying not to totally exclude him from the wedding.  He would be at the reception with Dean, and he'd told Dean numerous times to go to the wedding without him, but neither Dean or Anna would let him refuse the dinner.  He was antsy, unable to settle his nerves, especially since he wasn’t sure why he had them in the first place.  Part of it was worry about meeting so many strangers for the first time, but there was  _ more  _ to it than that, what exactly that ‘more’ was seemed intent on remaining nameless.  He wasn't even sure it if had anything at all to do with the wedding, all he knew was the thought of the scrutiny he'd be under at the dinner was uncomfortable.  

It was bothering him so much Cas was stalling, standing in front of the bathroom mirror fussing with his hair and his tie, already starting to sweat even in the lightweight cotton suit he was wearing.

“If you don’t leave now, you’re going to be late,” Dean pointed out from the doorway, a knowing smile on his face.  Cas flushed and dropped his gaze from the mirror, turning to go without returning the smile.  Dean stopped him in the doorway, fixing his tie and smoothing his hands over his shoulders.  “Are you okay?” he asked gently.  Cas opened his mouth to brush away Dean’s concern, but the words died on his lips, and he leaned into Dean’s touch.  

“I don’t know,” he sighed.  Dean’s easy mood immediately shifted, concern making him pull Cas close to his chest, and he let him, he let Dean be strong for him because right then he was feeling embarrassingly weak.

“If you don’t want to go, Anna will understand.”  Dean’s voice was soft, consoling him without mocking him.  She would, Cas knew that, but he was already going to miss the actual wedding tomorrow, and in the long run he would hate himself if he missed this, too.  Cas clung tighter to his boyfriend, taking in the comfort Dean was offering him and breathing deeply.

“I’m okay enough to go to dinner, Dean.  I… will you wait up for me?” he asked.  Dean nodded, pressing a soft kiss into his hair.

“Of course,” he said gently.  Cas pulled away, smiling when Dean pressed his lips against his forehead.  “When you get back we’ll talk, okay?”  Cas nodded.

“See you later.”  He kissed Dean quickly, grabbing the keys for the Impala and heading to the door.

“Take care of my Baby,” Dean said, a mock serious tone to his voice.  Cas nodded, giving him a small salute and a smile.

“Absolutely.”

 

The dinner was at Chalet Suzanne, a quirky little piece of old Florida that had become a historical landmark of sorts.  The group attending the dinner was small, in spite of the large number of guests there were only a few people in the wedding party, and dramatically less space at the Chalet.  As a result, Dean hadn’t been able to come, with only enough space for those involved in the ceremony and Michael’s parents.  Anna had apologized more than once, and it wasn’t until he put Dean on the phone with her, to reassure her that he wasn’t upset, that she finally relaxed.  He carefully parked Baby at the edge of the parking lot, forcing himself to walk at a steady pace into the lobby area.  Cas followed the sign pointing to the dining room, attempting not to tug at his shirt collar.  He found the hallway he needed, glancing around at all the old memorabilia from the citrus industry, letting curiosity briefly distract him from what was at the end of the hallway.

“Cassie!  You made it!”  Gabe called as he turned the final corner, the table set for their group tucked away in a private room.  Cas walked up to his brother, leaning in close.

“Please, Gabe-”

“-stop calling you Cassie.  Alright.” Gabe finished with a smile.  His nerves were still buzzing just underneath his skin, and Gabe’s brow furrowed when he noticed, making Cas’ cheeks flush.  Even after a few months, Cas was getting used to the fact that he didn’t have a permanent poker face anymore, and that people other than Dean could see that now.  “Hey, I’ll be good, okay?” Gabe said gently, squeezing Cas’ shoulder.  Cas forced himself to relax a little, allowing himself a smile. 

“Thanks, Gabe.”  He let out a heavy exhale and stepped inside to say hello to Anna and Michael.

“Cas!” Anna squealed, wrapping him up in a hug.  Michael reached out and shook his hand, the strong grip so much like the strong, handsome man in front of him.

“Thank you for coming, your sister has been driving me crazy with how much she was worried about this.”  They shared a laugh as Anna punches Michael in the arm indignantly.  Gabe led Cas over to the group milling around the table to make the introductions to Michael’s family.  Ricky, the only other groomsman besides Gabe, was a bit stuffy, but not to the point of being rude.  Kali, Anna’s best friend whom he'd met on a few occasions before, smiled at Cas and shook his hand.  He couldn't remember her smiling this much ever, her dark caramel skin and striking features made more beautiful by it.  Once he’d met Michael’s parents and everyone was sitting down, he nudged Gabe and leaned over to whisper in his ear.

“Kali looks very pretty tonight.”  Gabe used to have quite a crush on Kali, years ago when Anna had first met her, but in spite of all his advances he'd been denied to the point even  _ he _ had given up.  Apparently, that crush hadn't quite faded, because Gabe flushed red and elbowed him hard in the ribs.  Cas winced, grinning across the table at Anna who just smiled and shook her head.  Cas’ nerves finally started to mellow, even with half the room made up of strangers, just being around his siblings made him feel better.

The officiate for the wedding was a small older woman, with a puff of blonde hair and a grandmotherly feel to her.  Her and the others started the dinner talking about the ceremony, about the technicalities and the order of things, and Cas let his mind wander as they took care of the business part of the dinner.  He could almost see the ceremony in his head, the ceremony he was going to have to see through a camera lens later that day.  He picked at his food to avoid eye contact, hoping his sudden shift in mood wouldn't affect anyone around him.

Once they’d finished talking about the ceremony, Cas pulled himself back into the conversation.  Michael’s family was pleasant company, politely interested in Cas’ work at the bakery, though Cas made sure to avoid questions that were too personal.  As nice as they were, he was hesitant to be too honest about his relationship with Dean.  He could tell by the looks Gabe gave him when he referred to him as his ‘roommate’ that his brother noticed, but he kept quiet about it.  Good people weren't always as accepting as they liked to think, and Cas refused to risk creating drama at Anna’s wedding.

After dinner, Cas hung back until goodbyes were said and Michael’s family left, waiting by the edge of the parking lot till he could have a moment alone with Anna.  Kali and Gabe were the last to leave, and Cas could tell by the look Kali gave Anna she wasn't happy that she was being forced to ride in Gabe’s car alone.  Gabe, on the other hand, looked all too pleased at the turn of events.  With one last resigned look at Anna, Kali climbed into Gabe’s Omni and they left for the hotel.  Anna walked up to Cas, beaming up at him.

“Poor Kali,” she giggled.  Cas chuckled, shaking his head.

“Actually, it's Gabe I feel sorry for,” Cas hummed.  Anna nodded.

“Touché.  So, did you have a good time?” she asked.  

“I did.”  Cas tugged at his tie, loosening the knot and undoing his top button.  “I was a little nervous at first, but it really wasn’t that bad.”  

“Thanks for coming tonight, Cas,” she sighed, slipping her arm into his.  “Take a walk with me?  You've obviously got something on your mind.”  The night was warm, but not oppressively humid, and Cas hoped that meant there wouldn't be any rain the next day.  He walked slowly with Anna up and down the small garden at the Chalet, the soft trickle of water from a fountain soothing away a bit more of the anxiety he had been feeling all night.

“You ready for tomorrow?” he asked after a while.  She nodded vigorously, a small laugh escaping her.

“God, more than ready.  This whole wedding business is so stressful,” she sighed.  He felt her gaze on him.  “You know,” she said casually, “there's nothing saying you can't come to the garden tomorrow.”  Cas stiffened and stopped walking.

“Anna-”

“No, I mean it, Cas.  Mom is going to be in the front row, you can stand in the back once she's been walked down the aisle.”  He wanted to, he really did, but he couldn't, and avoided Anna’s eyes as he shook his head.

“What if she turns around?  What if in the shuffle I lose track of her and bump into her?  I'm not going to risk it,” Cas insisted.  “Anna, I want to be there, I do, but if mom sees me and something happens… I can't.”  He swallowed down the lump in his throat.

“And what if she's okay?  What if she's gotten better, enough that you could actually talk to her?”  Cas shook his head, avoiding the hope in her eyes.

“That might be the case, Anna, but I'm not risking it, not tomorrow.  Maybe someday.”  He squeezed her hand.  “I know your ceremony is going to be amazing, Anna, and I'll be there at the reception.  I'm not missing out on your entire day.”  She nodded, nibbling on her lip a moment before she pulled her phone out. 

“I want to show you this, Cas.  No one has seen this except Kali, me, and the store clerk.”  Cas watched curiously as she tapped at the screen, taking her phone when she offered it to him.

It was a picture of her in her wedding dress, grinning like a little girl and looking at the camera in a mirror.  The dress was elegant, lace sleeves and a high waist, the flowing material of the fabric giving her an angelic grace. 

“Anna, it's beautiful,” he sighed, handing her back her phone.  She grinned.

“It's going to be a pain to walk in, but I'll make due.”  Cas wrapped her up in a hug, holding her tightly as the weight of what she was doing tomorrow started to sink in.  There's so much he feels like he should say to her, his sister who had basically been his mother.  They’d argued and fought over the years, like any siblings would, but she'd done her best to keep him from feeling  _ alone _ .  She hugged him back, rubbing a hand over his shoulders.  “I know, Cas,” she breathed, and he realized he didn't have to tell her what she meant to him, she already knew.  He swallowed hard, letting her go and handing her back her phone, clearing his throat loudly.  “Come on,” she sighed, “we should get going, I need my beauty sleep.”  He winked at her.

“And lots of it,” he teased.  She gasped, then giggled, walking arm in arm with her brother out to Baby.

 

Cas dropped her off at her hotel, driving the mile down the road to his and Dean’s hotel, carefully parking Baby, patting her hood as he walked towards the hotel.  Dean’s affection for the car was starting to wear off on him, it seemed.  He made his way up to the room and found Dean in bed, watching Indiana Jones in his underwear, something that was  _ so  _ Dean Cas’ heart swelled at the sight.  Dean looked up when Cas entered and smiled, reaching for the remote to turn the tv off.  

“You can leave it on,” Cas insisted, stripping out of his suit and barely caring enough to toss it over the chair.  He was just ready to crawl into bed with his boyfriend and relax, hopefully not thinking too much about the next morning.

“How was dinner?” Dean asked, watching Cas strip to his underwear with a smirk on his face.  Cas shrugged, pulling his undershirt off too.

“Really nice, actually.  And don't say I told you so,” he called, walking into the bathroom to brush his teeth.  When he returned, Dean was rolled over on his side under the covers, facing Cas’ empty side of the bed, and Cas shook his head at the smoulder in his eyes, crawling into bed next to him.  He knew Dean was only teasing, but he couldn't pretend he wasn't wishing he could just fall into Dean’s arms and let sex just take over, lose himself in the touch of skin on skin.  He knew Dean wouldn’t let him, though, with the mood he was in before he left, and sure enough, as soon as Cas settled into his pillows, the heat faded from Dean’s eyes.  The movie was still playing in the background, white noise that filled the brief silence.  

“What was on your mind this afternoon?” Dean asked gently.  Cas reached out a hand, running a finger gently along Dean’s chin, up his jaw, mapping the shape under the slight stubble.  

“I dunno,” he mumbled.  Dean raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief.

“Was it about the wedding?”  Cas shook his head.  “About your mom?”  Cas pondered that and shook his head again.  “What is it, angel?  I can't help if you won't talk to me.”  

“Always trying to take care of me,” Cas sighed.  

“Trying is the key word,” Dean teased.  Cas chewed his lip and let his mind sort through his worries, trying to pinpoint exactly what was bothering him, and finally the answer came to him.

“I’m…  _ different _ ,” Cas said simply.  “And with the shop I've been too busy to really sit back and feel it.”  Dean nuzzled into his touch, gently pressing his lips to Cas’ palm and wrist.  Cas felt the goosebumps run down his arms from the soft brushes.  

“What do you mean by different?” Dean pushed gently.  

“I used to have a very clear view of myself, of who I was, but now…” Cas trailed off, and Dean reached out with his hand, sliding his fingers along Cas’ forearm.

“You went through a crisis, Cas,” he pointed out.

“Two and a half months ago,” Cas replied with a small frown.

“Exactly, it's only been two and a half months.  Considering you've been working yourself so hard, it really hasn't been that long.”  Cas watched the smooth motions of Dean’s fingers along his arm, unable to meet Dean’s eyes.

“I don't know if it's a good, or a bad change,” he breathed.  “I mean, I know you're a part of it, so I'd like to think it's a good thing, but I can't shake this- this weird feeling like I'm… I'm missing something, some point to it all.”  His honesty was brutal, but Dean’s touch was like an anchor, keeping his worry from growing to panic levels.  The fact that  _ touch _ was a comfort to him was a marked example of his change, which made Cas’ fingers tremble and drop from Dean’s skin to the bed.  “I used to be calm about social situations, confident, and now I get antsy and nervous.  I used to be withdrawn and objective, and now I,” he paused, and Dean’s fingers moved up his arm, his thumb finally coming to rest below Cas’ lower lip, “I  _ feel _ so much.  Almost too much.”  

“So you've changed, Cas.”  Dean's eyes were focused on him, their intensity too much, and Cas dropped his gaze.  “I would say you've changed for the better, but it's not my place.  Only you get to decide that, angel.”  Cas rolled onto his back, staring at the sprinkler head on the ceiling.  Fear was worming its way into his chest now, the same fear that had chased him since Dean’s birthday, that had caused all of this in the first place.  The fear that he wasn’t enough, that a man like Dean needed more than what Cas could possibly give him.

“If I don't even know myself anymore, how can you know me?” he whimpered.  “How can you love me?”  Cas feels stripped by his insecurity, raw and exposed.  Dean seems to sense this, because his hands fall away, letting Cas gather himself without his touch as a distraction.

“Because I fall in love with you every day.”  Cas flushes, closing his eyes against Dean’s matter-of-fact words, unwilling to believe them.

“Dean-”

“I do, Cas.  Every day.  Even when I'm so pissed at you I want to break something.”  He feels Dean’s weight shift on the bed, but doesn't open his eyes, even when he feels Dean’s breath against his neck.  “You know, I've changed too,” he says quietly.  “I had give up, married to booze with sex as my mistress.  Then I ran into you, and you grabbed hold of me like the stubborn son of a bitch you are and made me reevaluate everything I was.”  Cas draped his left arm over his eyes.

“In the car, on the way to Miami… you said ‘don't ever change’, and I have, I've changed  _ so much _ and I-”

“Cas,” Dean interrupted calmly.  “This is different.  Back then, I meant a conscious change, a need to mold yourself into who you think people want you to be.  This?  This is you discovering who you are, without the burden of your past.  This isn't about what I think you should be, what your family thinks, but  _ you. _  It's all about you.”  Dean’s breath ghosted over his chest, and Cas’ exhale came out as a soft moan.  “I'm just here to help if you'll let me.”  Cas felt Dean shift again, and he felt soft lips smooth over his chest and sternum.  He shakily dropped his arm, opening his eyes and looking down at Dean.

“I don't know if this- this  _ feeling  _ will ever go away,” he gasped, watching as Dean’s lips pressed against the scar on his stomach, a small gesture that meant worlds to Cas.  “I know I don't deserve you, that's for damn sure.”

“Everyone deserves to be happy, Cas.  Even you.”  He scoots up and lays down next to Cas, Cas’ fingers sliding into Dean’s hair gently.

“Thank you, for trying to help me see that,” he breathed.  

“You’re worth it, angel.”  Cas rolled forward, burrowing into Dean’s arms, curling up and letting Dean shield him from the world.  He didn't care if he was clingy, he didn't care about being weak, or being less of a man.  None of that mattered because he  _ needed _ Dean, and Dean was okay with that, he loved him in spite of it.  Cas drifted off with soft kisses and whispered  _ I love yous  _ in his hair, in the only place he ever felt truly safe.

 

Cas woke up before his alarm the next morning, rolling over to find the rest of the bed was empty.  He blinked sleep out of his eyes, looking around to find the room empty, both Dean and their suitcase gone.  He stood up, noting his dress clothes he brought for the reception were still hanging in the closet, a clean pair of underwear sitting on the bathroom counter.  

“What the hell?” he wondered out loud.  He walked back to his phone, but before he could dial Dean’s number his boyfriend walked in, a Publix bag in one hand and a tray of coffee in the other.  Dean was dressed in his nicest light blue dress shirt, a royal blue and white striped tie on, his hair parted and tamed, and a beaming smile on his face.  Cas took in the sight, briefly forgetting his confusion, or anything else for that matter.

“Oh, hey, you're up!” Dean said happily, setting the bag and coffee on the small table.  Cas shook himself out of his daze.

“Where’s the rest of our clothes?” Cas asked.

“I got some breakfast, eat up and get ready!”  He blinked as Dean blatantly ignored the question and dropped into one of the chairs, tossing his tie back over his shoulder as he pulled out a box of croissants and some mixed fruit.  

“Get ready for what?” Cas asked, surprise rooting him in place.

“Your sister’s wedding,” Dean said matter of factly, shoving a piece of pineapple in his mouth.  To say that Cas was confused would be an understatement.  He had no idea why Dean was doing this, and a small feeling of betrayal dug into his chest.

“I can't, Dean, you know I can’t.”  His voice was scarily quiet, and Dean pushed aside the food, standing and walking over to Cas.  Cas took a step back from his outstretched arms, focusing on the knot of Dean’s tie to avoid looking at his face.

“We’re going, Cas.  I found a way yesterday, while you were at dinner.  Hey,” he reached out his hand, gently tapping Cas’ chin to try and get him to lift his eyes.  “You trust me, Cas?”  Cas gave in and met Dean’s eyes, and the answer came before he was aware of it.

“I trust you.”  Dean nodded, running his hand down to Cas’ shoulder and squeezing.

“I promise, nothing will happen.  Your mom won't even know you're there.”  Cas worried at his bottom lip, eyes falling from Dean’s face again.

“How can I risk this?  At Anna’s wedding?  You've never been there when she breaks, you don’t…”  He stopped short of telling Dean he wouldn’t understand, flushing at the thought.  Making Dean feel guilty wouldn’t get them anywhere.  If he understood how that sentence was going to end, Dean didn’t show it, his hand simply moving down to Cas’ own, their fingers tying together.

“I'll be right there, Cas.  Right here,” he emphasized with a squeeze of his hand.  “Plus,” Dean pointed out, leaning into Cas’ line of sight and winking, “I packed all your other clothes, so unless you want to go out in your underwear...”  Cas’ stomach was twisting with nerves, but at Dean’s smile he managed a half smile himself.  Obviously Dean wasn’t letting him get out of this, so he took a couple of cleansing breaths, calming himself before he got too stressed,

“I reserve the right to run screaming at any time,” he mumbled.  Dean leaned in and kissed his forehead.

“Of course, angel.  I'll even let you hold the car keys.”  Cas moved to go eat his breakfast, but Dean stopped him for one more kiss against his temple.  “I wouldn't do this if I wasn't sure, I promise,” Dean breathed against his skin.  Cas nodded, pulling away to grab his much needed coffee.

“I'm still holding the keys,” he grumbled.

 

Cas was in full on panic mode by the time they pulled into a parking spot at Bok Tower.  He had his arms crossed tight against his chest as they walked up the sidewalk, eyes scanning the people milling about the entrance to see if any of them were his mother.  Dean placed his hand on Cas’ lower back, but even that couldn't calm him.  He let Dean guide him into the welcome center, standing off to the side as Dean asked the receptionist something.  Cas noticed a few people dressed nicer than normal, realizing they might be part of Michael’s large family, though none of them seemed to notice him.  Dean walked back up to him, resting his hand against Cas’ elbow and leading him towards the side door.

“Come on, let's go see your sister.”  Dean was calm, smiling, totally sure of himself, and it baffled Cas.

“How can you be so casual about all this?” he asked.  Dean just winked at Cas, wiggling his fingers between Cas’ crossed arms, pulling them down and away from his body.

“I'm just that good.”  Cas shook his head but left his arms at his side, hands tucked in his pockets, following Dean as he led them down a walkway.  They passed a few signs for the “Milton/Johnson” wedding, pointing up the paved and mulch paths into the gardens.  Dean turned them away from those paths to a building standing to the side, off of the parking lot.  Judging from the amount of people hovering around, Cas gathered this was the wedding prep area.  The flurry of happy activity would have stopped Cas in his tracks had it not been for Dean’s hand on his elbow, pulling him forward.  They stepped up to the door of the building, unable to get inside because of all the people, and Cas only had a minute to wonder what Dean’s plan was before-

“Cas?!?”  Anna’s cry silenced the group, all eyes focusing on Cas, making him flush a bright pink before his arms were full of wedding dress and red hair.  His eyes slipped closed, and he focused on his sister, on being there with her as she gets ready for her wedding day, tucking his chin tight over her shoulder.

“Well, look at who showed up,” Kali almost laughed from behind them.  Cas released his sister, stepping back to look at her in her gown.  He swallowed hard at the lump that grew in his throat, grinning as he brushed her hair out of her face.  Suddenly, all the risk was beyond worth it.

“You look beautiful, Anna,” Cas said quietly, grateful that most of the women milling about had gone back to their conversations.

“And if you mess up her hair or makeup, you’ll regret it,” Kali hummed casually.  Anna waved Kali off, rolling her eyes fondly.

“I promise, I won't ruin your hard work. No crying till  _ after  _ pictures.”  She hugged Cas one more time, and when she released him she turned to Dean, who had been hanging back at the edge of the group, jumping in his arms and hugging him tightly as well.

“Oh, uh, hi,” Dean muttered, hugging her back awkwardly.  

“Thank you,” Cas barely heard her breathe.  Dean met Cas’ eyes, and Cas nodded in agreement, finally smiling.

“It wasn't easy, you owe me,” Dean joked, winking at Cas.

“Alright, we’ll talk about compensation.  You guys better get going!” Anna urged, waving them towards the garden paths.  “I've got to go get married!”  She waved as she walked back into the dressing area and Cas and Dean turned towards the gardens.  The day was warm, typical for May in Florida, but the shade from the trees and the breeze made it tolerable.  It was quiet out here, Cas mused, the white noise of traffic and air conditioners, the hustle and bustle of everyday life was gone, replaced by the rustle of trees and not much else.  His nerves that had started to calm when he saw his sister continued to mellow as they made their way up the path.

“Do you think I should text Gabe?” he mused.  Dean flushed slightly, glancing sideways at Cas briefly.

“He knows you’re here,” Dean mentioned offhand.  Cas stopped walking, just staring at him and Dean sighed.  “He’s keeping an eye on your mom.  He’s been texting me, letting me know where she is so I can get you to the garden.”  Dean’s voice was apologetic, but Cas couldn’t figure out why, it was probably the best idea they could have come up with.  Cas pulled Dean in for a brief but hard kiss.

“I’m sorry I doubted you,” he sighed.  Dean shrugged and turned to keep walking, Cas following behind.

“I can think of a few ways to make it up to me,” Dean teased, and Cas smacked his ass playfully, giggling when Dean turned to glare at him.

The tower came into view, beautiful pink hues swirling through the stone, the small moat and the iron doors blocking the small bridge making Cas feel like he wasn’t really in Florida anymore.  He was so used to the city, and the tourism, and the hustle and bustle of too many people in not enough space.  To be there near something so beautiful, looking out over orange groves and nature, it stirred something in him.

“We need to come back here more often,” Cas said quietly.  Dean nodded, looking up at the tower with shining eyes.  

“I’d like that.  We can bring a picnic lunch, sit up here, just enjoy the quiet.”  Dean took his hand and tugged gently.  “However, today we’ve got a wedding to make it to.”  He led Cas just past the tower and down the path to a rain cover area, an open walled awning with a tree stump in the middle and a guest registry on top of it.  Dean paused to write their names down on the registry, not on two separate lines like Cas expected, but on the same one, just omitting the last name.  Cas grinned at the warm fuzzies that gave him, walking over to the edge of the awning area.  He smiled, looking down the hill where he could see the chairs set up for Anna’s ceremony.  There were a lot of guests already there and seated, a small handful milling about, including the wedding party at the back of the garden.  Cas searched out his brother, and saw Gabe standing just next to a tree by the front row, which was blocking the view of a few of the chairs.  When Amy stepped out from behind the tree, Cas knew who Gabe was talking to.  He saw Gabe check his phone, and after a moment he saw him text back and put it away, Dean’s phone pinging behind him.

“Letting him know we’re here?” Cas asked with a smile.  Dean’s response was cut off by the officiate announcing that they were about to begin.  Gabe scampered down the aisle to the back of the crowd and Cas lost sight of him.  Dean sat down on one of the benches under the awning, motioning for Cas to follow suit, his hand immediately finding Dean’s once he sat down beside him.  Cas held his breath as the carillon bells started playing and Anna stepped out from behind a hedge, Gabe leading her down the aisle with a beaming smile on his face.  His sister was radiant, her gown flowing in a way that made it seem like she was floating.  

“Beautiful,” Dean breathed out, and Cas squeezed his hand in agreement, too overwhelmed to talk.  It was hard to make out all that was said as the ceremony progressed, but Cas was  _ there _ , he was witnessing it and when he met Anna’s gaze over Michael’s shoulder… words couldn't ever convey the emotion he was feeling.  “Careful, I need that hand,” Dean whispered, and Cas relaxed his grip with an embarrassed smile.  When the ceremony concluded, Cas leaned on Dean’s shoulder briefly, aware they weren't really ‘alone’ but unable to really care at that point.  Dean stood and helped Cas to his feet.

“I got to see my sister’s wedding,” Cas huffed a breathless laugh.  Dean beamed, kissing his forehead quickly.  They turned to the entrance to the awning as Gabe bounded up excitedly.

“Cassie, Anna’s doing her pictures-”  Cas cut his brother off by hugging him tightly, nearly knocking them both over backwards.  “Easy on the tux,” Gabe chuckled, and Cas let him go, fixing his boutonniere and his tie.

“Sorry.”

“Anywho, Anna is taking some pictures with mom, then she's headed back to her hotel.  I'm pretty sure Anna wants a couple pictures with you for the wedding album, so don't go too far.”  Gabe hurried back down the hill, and Cas looked at Dean to see him grinning.

“What?”

“Nothing, angel,” Dean chuckled.  “I don't think Gabe was expecting that exuberant of a greeting.”  Cas flushed and slipped his hand into Dean’s.

“Don't rain on my parade,” Cas mumbled.

“I thought today was Anna’s parade?” Dean pointed out.  Cas narrowed his eyes at Dean, which made Dean laugh even more.  “Is that supposed to be intimidating?”  Cas let go of his hand and crossed his arms with a huff.

“You know, I'm used to going without sex.  Let's see how long  _ you  _ can last.”  Cas turned and stalked off with a satisfied smirk.

“Aw, come on, I was only kidding!” Dean whined, chasing after him.

 

After pictures were finished, the guests staying for the reception relocated to the reception area near the welcome center.  Gabe hovered near the dessert table, even though  _ Cas’ _ employees Hannah and Alfie were the ones setting up the small pastries and the cake.

“You could let them be and join the party,” Dean said, walking up with a beer in hand, holding one out to Cas.

“I keep telling him that,” Cas said, “Hannah can handle this.”  Dean slipped his hand under Cas’ elbow, wrapping the arm with his beer around Gabe’s shoulders, steering both brothers away from the table.

“I was talking to  _ both _ of you,” he laughed. 

“Thank you, Dean,” Hannah called.  Gabe shot a betrayed look over his shoulder but Cas just smiled.  

“And you've got a speech to give,” Dean added, giving Gabe a playful shove with his hip towards the table for the wedding party.  Gabe’s fear was only visible for a brief moment, and Cas noticed he was sitting between Anna and Kali.  

“What’s wrong, Gabe?” Cas asked in a singsong voice.  Gabe flipped him off and walks over to sit, Cas and Dean taking their assigned seats with some of Michael’s cousins.

“What was that about?” Dean leaned over to ask quietly.  Cas smiled softly.

“Gabe used to have a thing for Kali, before he started crushing on Sam, anyway.  He seems to have a thing for the ones he can't have or that don't want him,” Cas shook his head, an amused smile on his face. 

“Well, that sucks for him,” Dean said, genuine concern in his eyes.  Cas gently squeezed his hand under the table.

“Don't feel sorry for him.  Kali would totally take him if he'd just take it seriously for five minutes.”  Dean gaped at Cas for a moment before laughing.

“I wonder what it's like inside that mind of yours,” Dean sighed.  Cas’ eyes furrowed in confusion, and Dean gestured at the room in general.  “You know, your superpower.  Knowing what everyone is thinking.”  Cas shrugged.

“Except my huge blindspot when it comes to you, I didn’t even know what  _ I  _ was thinking,” he pointed out.  Dean squeezed Cas’ hand, the heated look in his eyes practically screaming at Cas how badly Dean wanted to kiss him.  

Any further conversation was cut off by Ricky standing up and getting everyone's attention to start the speeches.  Champagne was passed around as he launched into a very serious and heartfelt speech about his brother and his new wife.  Cas exchanged glances with Gabe and Anna both from across the room, barely hiding his smile.  Sure enough, when Gabe stood to take his turn, it was the most inappropriate, loud, hilarious speech that Cas had ever heard, and the whole room was practically in tears from laughing so hard by the time Gabe was wrapping up.  Just as he was about to finish, Cas noticed him hesitate, the so rarely seen serious side to his brother shining through.

“I know we've been through a lot, the three of us,” Gabe said, raising his glass to Cas as well as Anna, drawing some curious eyes back to Cas’ table.  “I had to be a father to my siblings, and do the best I could with what I had.  I didn't think we'd make it this far, but we did, and giving you away today was something I've been dreaming about since I was 18.  Congratulations baby sister.”  Cas wiped furiously at tears of a different kind, and as soon as the speeches were over, he rushed to the wedding party’s table to wrap his siblings up in a group hug.  He felt Dean’s presence behind him, and Anna reached out to pull him into the hug, Gabe grabbing Michael from the other side.  Their hug spread out into a small circle, everyone with their arms around the people on either side of them.  Cas was sandwiched between Dean and Gabe, across from Anna.

“I do believe we’ve been adopted,” Michael said to Dean with a laugh.  Dean chuckled, reaching over Anna’s shoulders to pat Michael.

“I'd say we did good, but these are some crazy S.O.B’s.  Maybe we should call CPS for help.”  

“You know you love me, Winchester,” Gabe hummed, a sultry sound in his voice.

“You don't know how hard it is, playing second fiddle to you,” Cas sighed, a fake sadness to his voice.  “Knowing that Dean will never love me as much as you, it hurts sometimes-”

“Alright, you guys are killing me!” Anna laughed, cutting Cas off.  “Let's go demolish Gabe’s precious cake!”  She scampered to the dessert table, Cas and Gabe close behind.  As the photographer got ready, Dean tapped Cas on the shoulder.

“Hey, I got a phone call, be right back,” he said, slipping out of the reception hall.  Cas watched him go with some concern, but turned his attention back to the table, laughing and cheering as Anna and Michael badly fed each other some of their cake.  Hannah walked up to Cas, her things slung over her shoulder.

“We packed up all of our things, what’s left belongs to the hotel,” she explained, gesturing at Alfie who was waiting for her by the door.  Cas turned and walked with her to the exit.

“Thank you for your help,” he said, shaking Alfie’s hand.

“It was no big deal, and I still insist you don't have to pay us,” the young man said with a big smile.  Cas shook his head.

“Well, too bad, it's done.”  Hannah gave him a handshake as well.

“We’ll see you in a few days, Castiel,” she said, walking with Alfie towards the parking lot.  Cas watched them go for a moment, and before he went back inside, he noticed Dean sitting on a bench over by a fountain.  His shoulders were slumped and his face was in his hand.  Cas walked out to him, immediately concerned.

“Dean?  What's wrong?” he asked gently.  Dean’s phone was hanging limply from his left hand, and when he lowered his right hand to look at Cas, Cas’ heart ached without him even knowing the reason.  He immediately dropped to one knee in front of Dean, reaching out to brush his cheek.  “What happened?” he asked again.

“My dad, he's uh… It's not good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... I wasn't expecting that last sentence to happen either, but as soon as it did I moved past my writer's block, so YAYish? Now I've got to get out of it... *sweats*


	20. Chapter Nineteen- Farewell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here, it's finally here, a REAL update(and a super long one too)!! I know I posted some small one shots in between, but a full on chapter has taken me quite a while. Speaking of oneshots, if you follow me on Instagram (@fangirling_.ftw) I post a lot of headcannons and things there, and I also have started taking some requests for one shots... though of course you can always message those to me here ;)
> 
> I should steamroll through the end of this fic now, guys, we're in the home stretch. Thank you so much for your patience and your kind words, it means so much to me <3 I'm looking forward to finishing this up in a bittersweet way, because I've had a lot of personal highs and lows with this particular fic, but once it's finished I get to share with you all the wonderful things I've been working on outlining and preparing for you!!
> 
> WARNING: Minor character death, though you probably have figured that out by now...
> 
> Enjoy my lovelies, looking forward to your comments!

Anna understood, didn't bat an eye when Cas told her he had to leave early and why.  He got in a quick goodbye with her and Gabe before hurrying out to the Impala where Dean was waiting for him.  Dean to an outsider would appear calm, leaning against the car with his arms crossed, but Cas knew better.  He could read the tension in his shoulders, see the crease in his brow that spoke to the pain he was hiding.  Dean wordlessly offered him the keys when he walked up, and Cas didn’t argue, climbing into the driver’s seat as Dean slid into the passenger side, pulling out his phone.  Cas was surprised when Dean put the phone on speaker, and kept quiet as Sam’s voice came over the line.

“Hey, Dean, how's the wedding?” Sam asked happily.  

“The wedding was good, Sam.”  Cas knew it was all Dean could do to hold himself together, and Sam must have heard the strain in his voice.

“What happened?” his brother asked, concern coloring his voice immediately.  Dean closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before answering.  

“I got a call from mom.”  

“About what?” Sam asked carefully.  Cas could tell Sam already knew the answer, but maybe he just didn't want to think it.

“It's dad, he’s uh- he's taken a turn for the worse.  Doctors don't think he's bouncing back this time.”  There was silence over the line for a moment or two, then Cas heard Jess’ muffled voice, unable to really make out the words.

“It's dad,” Sam said to her quietly.  Sam cleared his throat, returning to talking to Dean.

“So, you driving up, flying up?” Sam asked.  Dean glanced at Cas nervously.

“I hate flying but… I don't think I have a choice,” Dean sighed.  Cas kept his eyes on the road, reaching over blindly to squeeze Dean’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Sam said simply.  “I'll start looking at flights, you guys get home safe.”

“Thanks, Sammy, see you in about an hour,” Dean grunted, hanging up the phone.  Cas was pulling into the parking lot of the hotel by the time the conversation was done.  He drove into the turn around in front of the lobby, handing Dean the room key.

“Go get the rest of our stuff, I'll check us out,” he insisted.  Dean nodded numbly, sliding out of the car without a word and walking inside.  Cas let out a heavy breath as he followed, utterly at a loss.  Dean was the one that always knew what to do, because Cas was usually the one with a problem.  Now _he_ had to be the one to keep himself together, to be there for Dean, even though Dean wasn't going to _want_ to be taken care of.   _I used to be so good at this,_ Cas thought to himself.  It seemed that any and all rules were thrown out when he had kissed Dean in the airport, one single press of lips fundamentally changing who he was as a person.  Cas focused on just breathing as he walked up to the front desk, calmly explaining their situation to the hostess.   As she got their bill sorted, Dean arrived with what was left in their hotel room, having already put the suitcase in the car to keep Cas from chickening out about the wedding.  Dean was closed off, keeping everything under cover from any outsiders looking on, and the stark emotional contrast between that morning and what was happening right then made Cas feel a bit of whiplash.  When they left, Dean walked around to the driver’s side of the car and wordlessly Cas slid onto the passenger side of the leather bench, Dean settling into the driver’s seat.  

The entire hour drive back to Orlando was made in total silence; Cas didn't know what he could say to help, so he just sits quietly, his hand resting against Dean’s knee.  A few times Dean’s hand would brush his, even pausing long enough to squeeze his fingers gently, enough to show that Cas wasn’t being shut out, just the rest of the world, but Dean's eyes never leave the road.

They pulled up to the house, Dean throwing the car in park and jumping out, leaving Cas to grab their things as Dean rushed inside.  As Cas struggled through the door, he noticed Dean and Sam were in the living room, talking quietly about a list of flights Sam had made notes on.  He caught Sam’s eye and nodded as a hello, turning for the stairs and pulling their suitcase up behind him, ready to unpack and repack their things.  He wasn’t really sure how long they’d be gone, but felt horrible about asking, so he settled for three days worth of clean clothes, figuring there’d be somewhere to wash them when they arrived in Kansas.  Three days was also the rest of the vacation he and Dean had arranged, he made a mental note to call Hannah in the morning and give her a heads up he'd be traveling.

Cas was focusing on these monotonous things, the technicalities of their trip, because he needed the distraction.  He needed to not think about what the trip was for, and what it meant.  He’s just about finished splitting his and Dean’s clothes into two carry on sized bags when he hears footsteps behind him.

“Hey, hot stuff,” Jess calls from the door.  Cas turned to greet her, noticing the appreciative look she gave his outfit.  Her words were playful, but there was a sobriety in her eyes that matched the situation.

“Didn’t get a chance to change yet,” Cas shrugged.  She walked up and nudged him with her shoulder.

“You holding up okay?”

“Yeah, all things considered,” he sighed.  “Just worried about Dean, and Sam, you know?”  She nodded.  

“Boy, do I.”  She perched on the edge of the bed, setting the baby monitor on the sheets next to her.  “Sam’s holding it together pretty well, almost like he was expecting it.”  She winced, crossing her arms across her chest and flushing.  “I mean, I guess they were in a way… Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  Cas finished throwing the extra clothes in his bag, putting the same bathroom bag from that morning inside and zipping it up.

“You coming, too?” Cas asked.  She nodded without hesitation.

“I want John to meet his grandson, even if it’s only briefly.”  Cas smiled at the sentiment.  Yeah, it was a sad thought, but Jess had a way about her that even when things were bad, she managed to find the good in it.

“It’s going to be a tough plane ride with a newborn,” he pointed out.  She nodded.

“We’ll make due.”  They fell silent at the sound of someone approaching the door.  Dean turned the corner and Jess gave Cas a small hug before heading back downstairs, closing the door behind her.  Dean stripped out of his nice clothes, tossing them on the bed.

“Earliest flight leaves in about two hours, got just enough time to change,” Dean said, walking to the closet and grabbing some clothes.  Cas could see the same pressure building under Dean’s skin, just like when he first got the news about his dad almost a year ago.  The pressure then had made him blow up at Sam, had made him angry and bitter, and nearly collapse in on himself when he couldn’t hold the weight of it anymore.  

Cas was pretty sure if he wasn’t about to drive them to the airport he’d have a cup of whisky in his hand right then.

As Dean shoved his legs in his jeans, Cas made a decision.  If he didn't do something now Dean wouldn’t have another chance to be alone, to be vulnerable, to let out what he needed to let out.

“Dean-”

“Don't, Cas.”  Dean's voice wavered, his tenuous hold on himself slipping at the softness of Cas’ voice.  His fingers were fumbling with an inside out sleeve, and Cas took the dark red button up from his hands, setting it on the bed and pulling him into a tight hug before he could protest.

“You have to feel it, Dean.  At least a little, or you're going to explode,” he hummed gently in Dean’s ear, fingers finding the short hair at the base of his neck.  Dean’s arms slipped around Cas, his fingers digging into him in a death grip.  

“I don't want to,” Dean gasped out.  “I can't- Cas I can't-”

“You can.”  Cas’ other hand held Dean just as tight.  “I've got you, it's okay.”  There's a beat where Cas worries Dean’s going to pull away, and the old fears that he's not enough surge up into his chest.  Then Dean relaxes into him, he leans his weight into Cas and quietly cries a small sob into his shoulder, and in that small moment, for the first time in his _life,_ Cas finally feels like he's worth this, feels like he's worth the love Dean feels for him.  He's helping, not being helped, he's comforting, not being comforted, he's _needed_.  It feels strangely selfish considering Dean’s situation, the feeling of being whole, of being happy with himself, but he can’t stop it from filling him up, making him hold Dean that much tighter.

Dean allows himself to cry for ten minutes, then spends five pulling himself back together as Cas quickly changes clothes.  Cas knows better than to argue about it, he knows Dean feels the need to be stoic and solid for Sam, in spite of his own needs.  Dean grabs his bag and he walks downstairs, Sam’s voice on the telephone setting up their flight drifting up to them.  Jess has a diaper bag packed and ready on the floor by the door, along with Henry’s car seat and two more carry ons.  Sam hangs up his call, looking fairly put together in spite of the nervous ridge on his forehead.   _Must be genetic,_ Cas muses.

“Let me help you with the bags, Cas,” he insists, grabbing his and Jess’ things and moving towards the door.  Cas doesn’t argue, and follows Sam out to the Impala, the doors still unlocked from his and Dean’s hurry into the house.  As Sam sets up the car seat, Cas feels a need to break the silence.

“I don’t pretend to know what you’re feeling,” he starts quietly, “but if there’s anything I can do, just…”  Sam finishes latching the car seat into place, turning and giving Cas half a tired smile.

“I know, Cas, thanks.”  The sound of the door closing draws their attention to the now darkened house, Dean moving down the sidewalk just behind Jess who was holding Henry.  Sam took the baby when Jess got to the car, reaching with his longer limbs and getting his son secured in the seat.  Cas volunteers to sit in the back with Jess and the baby to let Sam’s legs stretch out, and Dean pulls them out of the driveway.  Dean’s favorite mix tape is playing softly over the speakers, the only sound in the car the entire ride to the airport aside from some minor fussing from Henry.  Check in and security were pretty empty, considering it was close to 10:30pm Cas wasn’t surprised, and he glanced one more time at the infamous ‘bench’, getting a small nudge from Dean when he noticed where Cas was looking.

It isn’t until they’ve started walking down the corridor to actually board the plane that Dean’s nervousness starts to win out over his need to get to his dad.  His stride falters as he grows pale, slowing down as the door of the place comes closer.  Cas reaches out, resting a hand against his shoulder blade.

“Come on, Dean, just breathe,” Cas says calmly, slowing down to match Dean’s speed.  Dean nodded, letting Cas lead him to their seats, across the aisle from Sam and Jess.  They settle in, the flight attendant helping them get Henry situated, and Cas feels Dean take hold of his hand in a vice like grip.  He looks over to see Dean’s head back against the headrest, his eyes squeezed closed.  “Dean-”

“I'm fine, Cas,” he blurted before Cas could finish his question.  “I’ll be fine I just… I need to get to my dad.”  Cas looked across at Sam, who was mixing a bottle for Henry with some water the flight attendant had brought them.  Henry was kicking and fussing, but not too loudly yet.  They started to taxi down the runway and Dean’s grip transferred from his hand to his thigh, fingers digging in tight enough to leave bruises.  The plane was paused before the last run to take off, and Dean was so tense he was about to snap.  There was no one in the seat next to them, or for a couple rows behind them, so Cas pulled up the armrest between them, sliding his arms around Dean and pulling him to his chest.

“Dean, look at me,” Cas hummed, and Dean managed to open his eyes and peer up at him.  Cas leaned in, his lips finding Dean’s as they picked up speed down the runway, his tongue not so innocently forcing its way in between Dean's lips.  Dean was so distracted by Cas’ sudden assault he didn't seem to notice the plane taking off, and had started kissing back just as dirty when Sam cleared his throat.  Cas flushed, pulling back from Dean and looking over at Sam apologetically, but from the look on his face he seemed to understand what Cas was trying to do.

“Shut up, Sam,” Dean muttered, flushing brightly.  He was still tense, clinging to Cas unashamedly, but he'd relaxed enough that Cas wasn't quite as worried about him.  And if the flight attendant thought anything strange about the way Dean had octopused himself around Cas, she didn’t let it show.

They landed, exhausted, just under three hours later, with Henry on the verge of a meltdown.  They were met at the airport by a girl around Sam’s age, blonde hair and a slim build.  She ran forward and leapt onto Dean, arms and legs wrapping around him tightly as he caught her.  Cas frowned, something angry flaring up in his chest, and he knew he was glaring but he couldn’t help himself.  Cas was tired, almost asleep on his feet, and there was a strange woman wrapped around his boyfriend.

“Hey,” Dean sighed, hugging her back so she wouldn’t fall.  A strange need to _claim_ came over Cas, a possessiveness he’d never felt before, and it startled him out of his frozen state and into speaking.

“Uh, Dean?  Who is-”  The girl hopped off of Dean, and he turned to Cas, eyes widening at what Cas was sure was an unpleasantly angry look on his face.

“Sorry, Cas.  This is Jo,” Dean said sheepishly.  Jo offered her hand.

“Nice to finally meet you.”  Cas shook her hand, recognition of the name from Dean’s stories putting the puzzle together, and embarrassed relief washed through him.

“Yes, Dean’s sister, sorry.  I’m Castiel,” he introduced himself.  Jo shot a glare at Dean, correctly assuming he was the one that described her as such to Cas.

“I’m not your sister.”

“You might as well be,” Sam called with a shrug.  She rolled her eyes, turning to greet Sam and Jess before they started to walk towards the door.

“You were supposed to come see me over spring break,” she admonished, punching Dean in the arm.  Dean snuck a look at Cas over her shoulder.

“Something came up,” he said simply.  Cas felt the heat creep up his cheeks, and Jo smirked.

“At least he’s cute.”  Cas blushed further and Dean shoved her gently, right into Sam, and it quickly devolved into the two brothers bouncing Jo between them, while Cas and Jess, holding Henry, walked behind them with warm smiles on their faces.

“It’s good that they’re distracting themselves,” Jess said softly so the trio wouldn’t be able to hear over their laughs and childish banter.  Cas nodded, shooting a sideways look at her as they walked.  He knew Sam and Dean were worried, and he knew he and Jess had their work cut out for them this week.  They all piled into Jo’s SUV and started the drive from the airport to their Uncle Bobby’s house, further out into rural Kansas.  As they drove, Cas felt his eyes drooping in sleep, and Dean pulled his head down against his shoulder, pressing his lips into Cas’ hair in silent invitation.  Cas drifted off almost immediately.

 

“Hey, we’re here,” Dean was humming into his ear.  Cas blearily blinked his eyes open, peering through the windshield of the SUV at a simple country home, a good sized porch out front, filled with rocking chairs.  The soft orange glow from the porch light spilled over the yard, landing on a tire swing hung from the large tree out front.  As soon as Jo turned the car off, the door to the house opened, and Mary stepped into view.  Cas and Dean waited for Sam and Jess to get out and unload Henry, then they climbed out of the far backseat with their things.  Cas took Jess’ carry on and Jo grabbed the baby carrier as Jess rocked Henry in her arms.  The group tiredly made their way up onto the porch, one by one wrapped up in Mary’s arms for a hug.

“How’s dad?” Sam asked.  Mary pat her youngest son fondly on the cheek.

“He’ll be happy to see you tomorrow.  All of you.”  Cas couldn’t help but notice she didn’t answer the question directly.  “But the hospital visiting hours don’t start until 9am, and your father usually wakes up around 10.”  Sam nodded, catching Dean’s eyes, a short silent conversation happening between the brothers as their mom turned back for the house.  “We’ve set up a bassinet in Jo’s room, Sam, you and Jess will be staying there,” Mary explained as she led everyone inside.

“Better appreciate it,” Jo murmured, but Cas could hear the smile in it.

“Bobby and Ellen asleep?” Sam asked.  Mary nodded.

“They wanted to wait up, but it’s past their bedtime,” she chuckled.  She kissed Henry’s cheek fondly when he gurgled in Jess’ arms, shooing them on their way before turning to Dean.

“Dean, sweetie, we've set up the basement futon with some extra blankets and pillows for you and Cas,” Mary continued.  “Jo’s got the living room couch.”  Dean let out a deep sigh, looking as tired as Cas felt.

“Thanks, mom,” Dean said, leaning in to kiss her cheek.  She smiled, a bit sad, but still a smile.  Something about the members of this family, even when faced with a horrible situation, they still managed to stand tall and strong.  Cas tried to take in the house as he followed Dean down the hall to the first floor bathroom; very typical of a country home, with lots of woodwork and family photos everywhere, but it was past 2am and Cas was just amazed he could stand long enough to brush his teeth.  Once they finished in the bathroom, Dean led Cas down to the basement stairs, the rest of the house already dark and silent.  Dean's steps were sure and confident, and he flipped on a light where Cas would have had no hope of finding the switch.

The basement was comfortable, a giant rug took up most of the floor, there were a couple chairs to go with the futon, and a tv across the room hooked up to a dvd player.  Cas changed quickly into his pajamas, crawling under the blankets as Dean changed.  Cas had pulled his phone charger out of his bag, shooting a quick text to Gabe to let him know what was happening, and looking around for someplace to plug it ins.

“Here, give me your phone,” Dean called, and Cas handed it over, watching as Dean plugged both their phones into the power strip over by the TV.  Once that was done he walked back to the stairs, turning off the main light, plunging the room into darkness.  Cas heard the click of a second switch, and very low safety lights came on, running up the length of the stairs just like in a movie theater.

“Huh, smart,” Cas pointed out.  

“Helped Bobby put them in, he nearly broke his leg once tripping on the stairs.”  He watched Dean crawl under the blankets next to him in the low light, barely able to make out the hard set to his jaw.  He nudged Cas to roll over, and he didn't put up a fight, letting Dean make him the little spoon.  Cas felt the pull of sleep tugging at him again, but he wanted to say something, to try and put Dean at least a bit at ease.  

“Think your dad will like me?” Cas asked.  Dean scoffed, pressing his lips to the back of Cas’ neck.  

“Are you kidding?  He's going to shake my hand and ask why I haven't made an honest man out of you.”  Dean’s confidence was mostly bluster, put on for Cas’ benefit, and Cas let it be.   Dean needed to feel in control, needed to pretend he was okay to handle the unspoken fear of what was coming in the morning.  Cas let a small smile spread across his face.

“Statistically, I’d be the one making an honest man out of you,” Cas pointed out, the tiniest bit of superiority leaking into his voice.  Dean hummed, pressing in closer to Cas, another series of kisses pressed to his neck and shoulders, small things that held Dean’s gratitude and love.  As he started to fade into sleep, Dean’s lips traced his ear, a huff of warm breath against his skin.

“You already have, Cas.”

  


_Cas was laying in bed, mostly on his stomach, a warm body pressed over him.  He felt a hand running up into his hair while another slid around his stomach to pull him close.  An overwhelming wave of happiness washed through him at the touch, and he felt the smile on his face.  The body behind him was naked and aroused, as he was, and they leaned in to press soft kisses against the back of Cas’ neck._

_“Dean,” he hummed.  Cas felt himself smile as Dean’s moan from behind him buzzed in his ear.  He shifted his body closer to Dean’s, feeling the press of Dean’s arousal against his bare skin. Cas rocked his hips, chasing friction and giving Dean’s arousal attention as well.  His hand slid back into Dean’s hair as Dean’s hand slid down his stomach, tracing smooth circles as he went.  His fingers gently closed around Cas’ erection and gave a few slow pulls.  Cas was breathless with want, panting into the pillow, rolling his hips until Dean’s arousal slipped between his legs._

_He was overwhelmed with a feeling of this being right, of perfection, like he had found his missing half in Dean.  His back arched, and Dean’s arousal slid against him with more urgency, Cas’ name falling from his lips like a prayer._

 

 _“_ Cas…”

 

_The pressure was building under Cas’ skin, and as Dean slid his lips down Cas’ neck, his hand finding Cas’ hip and gripping tightly._

 

 _“_ Cas, please,” Dean whimpered.  

Wait, when did Cas roll over on his side?  And was he wearing pants?  Hadn't he just been naked?

“Dean?” he gasped out, the weight behind him definitely not imagined as he rolled into Dean.  A small thrust of Dean’s hips showed Cas his hardness pressed into Cas’ ass wasn't imagined either, Dean’s hand tightly gripping his hip, the other tucked under the pillow.

Full consciousness came to Cas with whiplash inducing speed.  He had been _dreaming._  He went completely still, ignoring the heat and desire throbbing through him.  In the basement there was no way to tell what time it was, the light coming from the stairs still all there was in the room.

“Cas,” Dean whined from behind him.

“Dean, hey, I’m here,” Cas pulled Dean’s hand off of his hip, winding his fingers through Dean’s and holding tightly.

“Cas,” he breathed in relief, his body relaxing immediately.  “I didn't think you'd ever wake up.”  Cas rolled over onto his back to look at Dean, taking in the flush of his skin, the sweat that was just starting to form on his brow.

“Guess I was having a good dream,” Cas murmured, embarrassment adding to the aroused flush in his cheeks.  Dean kissed his forehead, a soft smile on his face when he pulled away.  Cas felt the touch of his lips send tendrils of warmth through him.

“I guess you were.”  Dean’s smile faded in favor of concern.  “I didn't mean to…” Dean trailed off uncertainly.

“Dry hump me?” Cas supplied with a small laugh.  Dean ducked his head, pressing his forehead to Cas’ shoulder.

“You were sleeping, I didn't mean to, but Cas,” Dean pressed his lips to Cas’ tattoo, “you kept rolling into me, so needy, and _fuck…_ ”  Cas lifted his hand to run through Dean’s hair.

“Dean, it's okay.  Hey, look at me.”  Dean lifted his head, his eyes finding Cas’.  “I trust you.  Completely.  I know you wouldn't take advantage of me.”  He dropped his hand from Dean’s hair, running over his cheek and under his jaw.  Dean dropped his chin, kissing along Cas’ palm and wrist, the motion keeping his face turned down and away from Cas’.

“I felt like I was,” he breathed, almost like he didn't mean to say it.  Cas sighed, knowing that in Dean’s current state, his need to _take care_ was making him overthink everything, even Cas’ consent.  He needed to do something right now before that took hold, Dean was going to be a big enough mess worrying about his family, Cas needed to prove to Dean he was okay.  A sureness and confidence came over Cas, giving him a clarity of mind.  Cas didn't _want_ to be babied, he _wanted_ Dean.  He rolled quickly, pushing Dean forcefully over on his back and crawling in his lap.

“What if I told you I didn't want you to stop?” Cas hummed, dropping the tone of his voice and rolling his still hard erection against Dean’s through their pajamas.  “What if I told you I wanted you to just _take_ me.”  The small noise Dean made sent fire through him.  Fuck timing and fuck life, he _needed_ Dean, and Dean needed him.  Cas knew him, he could see it in Dean’s eyes, as they widened, his mouth dropping open slightly.  Dean needed to release some of his tension before he broke, and what better way to do it than sex?  A few beats of silence pass between them, blue eyes searching green ones until their thoughts met in the middle.  

“I'd say I'm on board with that,” Dean coughed, and Cas leaned forward, capturing Dean’s lips in a hard kiss.  He suddenly found himself on his back, Dean between his legs, his mouth being abused in the _best_ way possible.  A whine escaped Cas as he rolled his body up into Dean’s, trying to show Dean just how desperately he wanted this.

“I’ve dreamt about you before,” Cas gasped out when Dean released his lips to lick his way across Cas’ neck.

“You have?” Dean asked against his skin, his voice husky.

“Mhmm,” Cas hummed, wrapping a leg around Dean as he rolled his hips into Cas.  “You were my first wet dream, Dean.  And my second, and now my third,” he breathed into Dean’s ear, and Dean’s whole body shook, mumbled curses leaving trails of warmth over his neck.  Cas smiled, pleased with himself as Dean clumsily pulled his shirt off, pulling Cas’ tank off as well.

“ _Cas,_ angel,” Dean’s hands are running over his skin, “I will never get over how gorgeous you are.”  Cas smiles at him, reaching his arms back behind his head on the pillows, tilting his head to the side, leaving himself completely open.  He looked down through hooded eyes, smirking at Dean’s lustful stare.

“Gonna do anything about it?” he teases, his cheeks flushing at the attempted bedroom talk.

Cas sees it, the exact moment when Dean lets go, when he lets himself just _give in_ to the physical need humming between them.  For now, that’s all Dean needs, a moment of freedom before he has to worry, before he has to bear the burden of real life, and Cas can give him that.  To be honest, the dark way Dean looks at Cas as he kisses and licks down his chest has Cas forgetting most everything, too.  

Dean’s lips dance along his skin, uninhibited and unforgiving, as he nips and licks at every sensitive area along Cas’ torso.  They haven’t done this very often, but Dean seems to just _know_ where every one of Cas’ buttons are, and Cas can’t help the way his body squirms under Dean’s.  Dean’s fingers pull Cas’ pajamas and boxer briefs down, nails gently dragging along Cas’ thighs as he goes.  Cas rolls his hips, trying to find friction and Dean smirks at him, grabbing hold of Cas’ hips and holding him still as he licks his way up the inside of Cas’ right thigh.

He barely has a moment to brace himself before Dean swallows him down, his breath catching in his lungs the only reason he doesn't cry out for the whole house to hear.  Dean is _merciless_ , his movements quick and messy, and Cas’ hands drop to Dean’s head.  His fingers drag along Dean’s scalp, making him hum around Cas and send jolts through him, his thighs jumping where they rested near Dean’s shoulders.  Cas is practically sprinting for his release, he's almost there already, but just as he starts to feel it Dean pulls away, breaking all contact.

“ _Dean_ ,” Cas whines, and he doesn't care how needy he sounds, how hard it is to breathe.  Dean runs a soothing hand down his leg as he slides off of the futon.

“Hush, angel, I'll be right back.”  The words are soothing but the sexed out sound of Dean’s voice simply sends another thrill up Cas’ spine.  His eyes slip closed as he focuses on breathing, because he doesn't want to give his brain a chance to start thinking.  He hears Dean rummaging around in his bag before he feels the futon shift, Dean’s weight settling over him as kisses fall across his shoulders.

“You brought lube?” Cas gasps incredulously when he feels the bottle brush his skin.  Dean chuckled against his neck.

“Had it in my bag for the wedding, you didn't unpack it.”  Cas had never been more grateful in his life.  He feels Dean press the bottle against his hand, but he pushes back, wrapping Dean’s fingers around it as he reopens his eyes and smiles up at him.

“I thought I told you I wanted you to _take_ me,” Cas breathes, putting every bit of sex into his voice as possible.  Dean bites down on Cas’ shoulder to stifle his groan.

“ _Fuck,”_ Dean hisses.  Cas giggled.

“That's the idea, yes,” he hummed.  Dean pulls back, forcibly rolling Cas onto his stomach, his lips attaching to his angel wing tattoo.  Cas manages to keep himself quiet as Dean kisses down his spine, tongue leaving a wet trail along his skin before he sits back on his heels.  Cas shivers with anticipation when he hears Dean open the lube, managing to get himself up on his knees, his chest still pressed to the futon.  He flushes at the exposed feeling, but the sound it pulls from Dean’s throat makes his nerves disappear.

“How are you so fucking perfect,” Dean growls, a hand running along the curve of Cas’ ass and up to his hip.  Feeling empowered and eager, Cas simply wiggles his hips obscenely in response.  Dean groans softly, and a single finger finds its way to Cas’ entrance, pushing past the muscle and sliding inside.  Dean starts to work immediately, sliding and stretching, reducing Cas to whimpers by the time the second finger joins the first.

It's isn't until the third finger is slipping inside and Cas starts to feel the slight burn that it hits him, what's about to happen for the first time.  Dean’s fingers find his prostate then, and it's a few more minutes before Cas comes back to himself enough to string words together.

“Dean, love,” he gasps.  All three of Dean’s fingers are sliding with nearly no resistance now, and his body is crying out for more.  “Dean, I'm ready,” he gasps out, “but I want to see you.”  Dean places a gentle kiss against Cas’ lower back, lips lingering against his skin as he slides his fingers out of Cas to let him roll over.  There’s a little awkward fumbling on the small futon, and Dean settles between Cas’ legs, lifting his hips gently.

“Waited for so long, Castiel.”  Dean’s voice was shaking, and the sudden unexpected emotion gave Cas pause.  He lifted his hand, tracing Dean’s lips with gentle touches, making sure he had Dean’s eyes on his.

“I love you.”  His whispered words changed the mood instantly, no less heat but a lot more emotion filling the space between them.  Dean slides inside, a smooth motion made easy by his careful preparations.  Cas felt a little pain, but was completely overwhelmed by the heady feeling of _finally._  Dean rolled his hips a little, touching Cas’ sweet spot, making him arch into Dean.  This… this feeling was _incredible._  It was like Cas didn't know what it meant to be complete until Dean was inside him, until he felt _linked_ to him in such an intimate way.  Dean’s eyes were questioning and Cas nodded, hands taking hold of Dean’s shoulders.  

Silently they moved together, mouths touching then pulling apart, almost no noise in the room besides their heavy breath and the occasional groan of the futon.  The need for silence made the act somehow more intimate, both of them more focused on the other because they had to _see_ the bliss on their lover’s face, not hear it.  He watched as Dean neared his end, hurtling Cas forward with each slide inside him.

“Angel,” Dean gasped and Cas nodded.  Dean wrapped a hand around Cas’ erection, sliding quickly and a few moments later he was grinding his hips into Cas, small rolls pressing against his prostate as he let go, and with the way Dean’s hand was twisting Cas followed quickly after, mouth opened in a silent moan as it washed through him.  Dean kissed him, so much more than words passing through their lips.  Dean stayed inside him as long as he could, cleaning Cas’ stomach with his discarded shirt before slowly pulling out.  Cas winced more at the sense of loss than the pain, and Dean cleaned him as best he could with the shirt.

“That was well worth the wait,” Cas sighed, nuzzling into Dean’s arms once he laid down next to him.  He felt Dean’s lips press against his temple, his arms pulling Cas tight.

“I'm glad you liked it,” Dean teased back.  Cas’ hand ran over Dean’s ribs, gently tracing each bump of muscle and bone.

“What time is it?” he wondered out loud.

“It was just after 6 when we got started,” Dean answered, his fingers running through Cas’ hair.  “We still have some time,” he answered Cas’ question before he could ask it.  Cas nodded, wrapping his arm around Dean and hugging him close.  They had time to sleep, but it also meant they had time to pretend that there was nothing outside of this basement.  For a little while longer Dean could live in his happy bubble with Cas, and not deal with his father’s poor health.  Cas could feel Dean’s fear in the way he held him, he knew Dean was aware they were on borrowed time, but he couldn't bring himself to be the one to drag Dean back into reality.  So he let Dean wrap him up in his arms, and after a few whispered _I love yous_ they both drifted back to sleep.

 

Castiel only felt like he'd slept for a few minutes when Dean was nudging him awake gently.  There was natural light in the basement now, a small window up near the ceiling letting in some sunlight, a curtain Cas couldn't see in the dark pulled aside.  Cas blinked at the light, focusing on the blur in front of him.  Dean was already dressed, his hair slightly damp from a shower.  A clock on the wall that was also not visible in the dark last night read 9:45.  Cas reached out, catching Dean’s wrist in a loose grip.

“Did you get any more sleep?” he asked.  Dean’s lip twitched like he was about to smile, his eyes soft.

“A little.  I'll be okay.”  Dean kissed Cas’ fingers before pulling away gently.  “There's a towel here for you.  Not a lot of hot water in this house so make it quick if you don't want to freeze.  I'm going to see about breakfast.”  He turned and walked away, and once the basement door shut behind him, Cas let out a shuddering sigh.  His heart ached so much for Dean, but there was nothing he could really do for him other than just be there.  It was frustrating at the least, and Cas wanted nothing more than to just grab Dean and never leave their futon.  But he couldn't do that, Dean needed to say goodbye, he needed to grieve in his own way.  Just because Cas wanted to coddle him didn't mean that's what Dean needed.

Didn't make Cas any less bitter about the situation, mainly because he felt like an asshole for feeling that way.

He sat up, wincing slightly, definitely uncomfortable from their activities the night before.  The pain was there but minimal, it was the _mess_ was ridiculously uncomfortable.  He pulled on his pajamas again, not bothering with underwear, and grabbed clean clothes, his bathroom bag, and the towel Dean left out for him.  He walked gingerly up the stairs, and tried to walk as casually as possible down to the hall bathroom.  Luckily for him, everyone else seemed to be in other parts of the house, so he made it unnoticed.  He showered as quickly as he could, feeling much better when he was clean and dressed.  He dropped his things back off in the basement and made his way upstairs much more confidently, searching out the kitchen.

“Morning, Cas,” Ellen called, handing him a cup of coffee and a plate of bacon and eggs as soon as he turned the corner.  

“Morning, and thank you.”  He looked around the empty kitchen.  “Where is everyone?”  She smiled at him.

“Jo’s still sleeping, hardly ever gets up before noon if she can help it.  Sam and Jess are sleeping in a bit too.  Bobby’s gone off to work, and Dean and Mary are out on the porch.”  Cas nodded his thanks and turned to go, but he was stopped with a gentle hand on his shoulder.  “I know you’ve probably got that boy of yours figured out, but these Winchester men, they can be stubborn.  You’ve just got to be a little more stubborn than he is, make sure you get Dean to let you take care of him.”  Cas nodded, a small smile pulling at his cheeks.

“I’m just as stubborn as Dean is, so I’m sure we’ll work something out.”  Ellen smiled and Cas walked down the hallway, nudging the screen door open with his hip and stepping outside.  The weather was mild, not nearly as humid as Florida, though he knew it could probably get just as hot.  Mary waved at him as he walked out.

“Castiel, good morning!” she called softly.  He made his way over to the chair next to Dean, sitting down slowly so he didn’t spill his coffee.  Dean was feeding Henry, his eyes raising briefly to Cas’ before returning to his nephew.

“At least I won’t be eating alone,” Cas pointed out.  The corner of Dean’s mouth pulled up into a soft smile at that, and Cas tucked into his food.  The three of them sat in silence as Cas ate, watching some finches flutter around in the yard.  The impending trip to the hospital hung heavy in the still air, but there was no urge to talk about it.  Once Henry finished and Dean had burped him, he cradled his nephew fondly, humming a tune Cas couldn’t quite pick out under his breath.

“Better get you changed,” Dean hummed to the infant, Henry’s legs kicking in agreement.  He stood and walked back in the house, leaving Cas to sip his coffee with Mary.  

“How was Dean on the flight yesterday?” Mary asked.  Cas smiled against his mug.

“Probably better than you’re thinking.  We might have scarred our flight attendant though.”  Mary chuckled.

“Didn’t figure you were the type to join the mile high club,” she said casually.  Cas flushed crimson.

“No!  We didn’t- I didn’t- Dean just kind of attached himself to me, like severe cuddles,” Cas stammered, and Mary smiled, shaking her head.  They turned to the door when Dean poked his head back out, now without the baby.

“Sam and Jess are up, Ellen’s feeding them now.”  Mary nodded and stood, Cas followed suit, gathering up his plate and heading back into the house to the kitchen.  Jess and Sam were eating a muted breakfast while Ellen held Henry, the sleeper in the corner completely ignored.  Cas reasoned in one way it made sense.  When death was approaching, people clung to the hope of the young, the legacies taking over the mantle of the world.  He pressed a quick kiss to Dean’s cheek once he’d washed his plate, and Dean ran his hand over Cas’ shoulder blade.

“Ready to meet my dad?” he asked softly.  Cas nodded, putting every bit of confidence he could muster into his eyes and his body language, showing Dean that he was strong, that he was there for him when he’d inevitably need him.

“I’m sure he’s not _that_ intimidating,” Cas teased.  Jess chuckled.

“You say that now, Cas,” she gestured at Sam, “should have seen the level of grief he gave Sam when I was introduced.  And you’re taking away his oldest son, he’s bound to have some choice words for you.”  A few small laughs broke out in the kitchen at Cas’ blush, but he didn’t mind being the brunt of the joke when Dean half smiled at him, patting his back reassuringly.

“Don’t worry, his shotgun is here at the house,” Dean added, earning another round of small laughs from the room.

 

They loaded up into two cars, Ellen’s and Jo’s, and made the short drive to the hospital.  Cas didn’t really know what to expect, Dean hadn’t talked about his father’s condition in too much detail, and Cas didn’t want to ask.  They checked in and made their way down to their father’s room, and Cas could _feel_ the tension rolling off Dean’s shoulders, and see it in everyone else’s.  He gave Dean’s hand a squeeze just before they got to the door, and while Dean didn’t look over at him, he did squeeze back.  Ellen gave everyone a hug before leaving for work, promising to come pick them up later.

As they approached the doorway, Cas and Jess hung back, letting Mary and the boys in to say hello first, and to check if today was a good day for John.  After a moment, Mary stuck her head outside the door, motioning for Jess and Cas to come inside.  Jess tucked Henry tighter to her and Cas followed in behind her.  

John Winchester in his prime must have been an imposing man, because even as sick as he was, he had a presence Cas noticed the moment he walked in the room.  A scruff of salt and pepper beard covered his chin, his slightly yellow tinged skin only just noticeable in the soft light from the lamp on his side table.  It was obvious he was tired, by the way he rested heavily on his pillows, but at the sight of the baby in Jess’ arms, his eyes lit up with a smile.

“Would you look at that,” John said through a smile.

“Hey, Henry, say hi to your grandpa,” Jess cooed, walking over to the side of John’s bed.  John raised a hand slowly, reaching out for Henry’s hand, and Henry’s tiny fist tightened around his finger.  Jess carefully set Henry down in John’s arms, and he seemed to find a sudden strength.

“Hi, little man.  You doing a good job of running your daddy ragged?” John chuckled.  “Your dad wouldn’t let me sleep for almost a month, you know, don’t let him off easy.”  A small chuckle spread through the room, Mary’s eyes slightly wet.

“Hate to disappoint you, dad, but he’s already starting to sleep for about four hours at a time some nights,” Sam said proudly.  John fake sneered down at Henry, who had his tiny fist tangled in John’s scruff.

“Traitor,” John chuckled.  A few more minutes and he motioned for Sam to take the baby, his arms falling tirely to his side once he was safely back in his father’s arms.  Cas had been trying to hang back behind Dean, not wanting to intrude on the family moment, but all that went out the window when John met his eyes and waved him over.  

“Dad, this is Castiel, or Cas,” Dean said gently.  John nodded.

“I figured, you haven’t shut up about the guy since Thanksgiving.”  Dean shrugged, a little pink on the tips of his ears, and Cas walked over to the bed, offering his hand for the man to shake.  He forced himself not to think about the weakness of John’s grip.

“Good to meet you, sir,” Cas said, trying not to sound nervous.  

“Dean been treating you right?” John asked.

“Dad, really?” Dean muttered.  Cas smiled.

“Well enough,” Cas said.  John just looked at him for a moment, like he was making up his mind about something.

“Hey, I’d like to have a moment with Cas,” he announced to the room at large.  Everyone filed out, Dean doing so after kissing Cas quickly on the temple, leaving Cas by John’s bed.  Cas’ nerves ticked up a few notches as he waited for John to speak.  “Cas, Dean tells me you’re the general manager of a bakery, is that right?”  Cas nodded.

“A branch of my brother’s business, yes.”  John smiled.

“You know, you’re way out of my son’s league,” he chuckled, which turned into a soft cough.  Cas shook his head.

“Dean is one of the most caring, generous people I know, there’s no way I deserve him,” Cas said quietly.  John nodded, pausing to gather his breath before speaking again.

“I was a shit father.  And I’ll be honest, when I found out he wasn’t exactly straight, can’t say I reacted the best way either.”  The regret in John’s eyes is heartbreaking.  “Seeing the way he looks at you… reminds me of how Mary and I were when we first met.”  He paused for a moment, and Cas didn’t know what to say, so he just waited.  Eventually John continued.  “I never stopped loving Mary, even when I left her, I was never unfaithful.  I just realized that I had to hurt her to help her, because keeping me around was toxic, as Dean found out in the worst way.”  Cas flashes back to when he tried to make Dean leave for the same reason, the pain they both felt when Cas tried to let him go.

“I can understand that,” Cas said quietly.  John nodded, coughing again and taking another moment to breathe.  His frailty became painfully obvious to Cas, and a sudden epiphany struck him.  “John, I’ve known your son for a relatively short time, but I already know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Dean is… he’s _it.”_  John nodded, and sensing that Cas had a point he stayed quiet.  “I just… I just wanted to know if you…” Cas stumbled over his words and John laughed.

“You trying to ask for my boy’s hand, Castiel?”  Cas flushed and nodded.  

“I don’t know how soon, or if I’ll even get the chance to ask him, but I guess… knowing what you think would mean a lot to me.”  John looked him over critically, a small smirk on his face.

“You’ve got a good job.  Dean says you can bake a mean apple pie.  You ever killed anyone?”  Cas startled and shook his head, and John winked at him.  “Well, just one last question then.  Do you love him?”  Cas smiled.

“With everything I have.”  John nodded.

“When I’m gone,” the mood in the room sobered at John’s words, “you going to take care of him?  Keep him afloat?”  Cas swallowed hard.

“He’s already done that for me once, I will gladly do it for him.”  John held out his hand for Cas to shake, smiling warmly.

“Then yes, Cas, you have my permission to marry my son.”  Cas smiled, ducking his head to stare at his lap.  It was silly, and maybe a bit premature, but he felt worlds better hearing that from John.  “Now go get my sons so they can talk my ear off about the house and that damn bar,” John huffed, and Cas stood to call the others back in.  As Dean passed him in the doorway, he gave Cas a questioning look, but Cas just smiled and shook his head.  For now, he was keeping that conversation to himself.

A short while later, John’s meds caught up to him, making him drowsy, and they were all shooed out of his room by his nurse.  They moved to the cafeteria to set up camp at a table while Jess fed Henry, no one really speaking at all.  Almost as soon as they left John’s presence, it had started to sink in that he wasn’t going to be around much longer, and everyone was busy absorbing that information.  Each of them were left to their own thoughts, Jess humming to Henry, Sam and Mary leaning against each other for comfort, and Dean tucking into a slice of pie.  Even if it was less than enthusiastic, the fact that Dean could eat set Cas’ nerves at ease, and he rested his hand on Dean’s knee under the table, squeezing gently.  Dean nudged his knee under the table, but didn’t look up, and Cas leaned in to press a brief kiss to Dean’s temple, a silent way of saying _I’m here._

They spent the better part of the next three days at the hospital, and on the third day, Dean, Sam, and Mary all stayed even after visiting hours were over, Ellen taking Cas, Jess, and Henry back to the house.  Cas tossed and turned on the futon, unable to sleep, an anxiety that didn’t feel like his own buzzing underneath his skin.  At 3:16 in the morning, his phone buzzed with a text, and he heard Henry crying from upstairs.

_Dean: Dad’s gone._


	21. Chapter Twenty- Falling Into Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! So we're into the last three chapters for this story now. It's one monster of a fic, and it's been an incredible learning experience working on this. Thanks to everyone who stuck with me through the angst and the drama, we've got some good things coming in the next two chapters, I can't wait to share them with you!!   
> This is one MONSTER of a chapter, probably the longest so far, so enjoy!!
> 
> As always, comment at me, bros, I'll answer back, I promise!

John Winchester was buried two days after he passed away.  The funeral was small, and not nearly as formal as Cas would expect a funeral to be.  The pastor seemed to have known John well, and a few of the small town folks that had been there while Sam and Dean were kids showed up, but no one offered any words, no one spoke or gave a eulogy.  Dean, Sam, and Mary lingered in the cemetery after the service, while Bobby took everyone else home.

People came by to offer condolences in the following days, and Cas could see it taking its toll on Dean.  Cas always thought it was strange, that when something bad happened, people would constantly come by and remind people of the bad thing, offering hollow sentiment that does more for their own conscience than the family.  A few of the visitors were genuine in their sympathies, telling happy stories and actually doing what friends would do.  One visitor in particular, an older gentleman named Rufus, spent the entire time arguing with Bobby about the repairs his front porch needed.  Rufus’ visit seemed to brighten the family the most, in spite of how snarky he was with everyone, and Cas was grateful for the smile he managed to put on Dean’s face.

Just as Cas expected, Dean didn't shed a single tear in front of his family, at the service or at home.  He held his mother as she wept at John’s headstone, he sat up with his brother into the late hours of the night, just talking quietly.  Even Jess commented on Dean’s strength as she and Cas ate breakfast together on the third day after the funeral, chatting quietly about the wonders of the Winchester/Singer family’s emotional stability.

There were tears shed by everyone, even Cas when he watched Sam unexpectedly break down looking at some old pictures. 

Everyone except Dean.

He was a rock, the epitome of a sturdy shoulder to lean on.  Everyone in the house seemed to gravitate to him when they were feeling unsteady, and all Cas could do was watch in wonder.  He could see all that Dean had talked to him about before, how he stepped in and took John’s place in his home growing up, how he carried everything so no one else would have to.  He was holding up well, but Cas could see the strain and tension in his eyes.

So when he stumbled in from his shower on the fourth night after John’s passing, looking exhausted, Cas didn't hesitate; he knew Dean needed a break, and Cas would be there to hold Dean while he was weak.  He shoved his phone in his pocket and moved back to make space for Dean to crawl under the blanket on the futon, where Dean curled up as small as he could make himself.  Cas wrapped himself around Dean tightly, humming and eventually singing as Dean crumbled, sobbing brokenly. 

 

_ When I find myself in times of trouble  
_ _ Mother Mary comes to me  
_ _ Speaking words of wisdom  
_ _ Let it be  
_ _ And in my hour of darkness  
_ _ She is standing right in front of me  
_ _ Speaking words of wisdom  
_ __ Let it be

 

Cas continued to sing softly until Dean stopped crying, then stroked his hair until he drifted off to sleep.  When Cas closed his eyes to do the same, a longing for his own family ended up keeping him awake.  He sat up carefully, making sure Dean’s breathing remained heavy, pulling his phone out of his pocket and texting his brother and sister.  He wasn't expecting a response, it was about 2am east coast time, but being surrounded by familial loss made him need to reach out.

_ You: I hope the honeymoon went well, Anna.  I can't wait to see pictures. _

_ You: I should be back at work soon, Gabe.  Everyone here seems to be healing. _

He set his phone down, absently running his hand over Dean’s back.  If Dean was willing to cry, it meant he felt everyone else was okay.  And once everyone else was okay, that meant Dean would be ready to go home.  Cas jumped when his phone buzzed in his hand.

_ Gabe: Take your time, bro.  Hannah’s better at managing that bakery than you are. _

Cas smiled at his phone screen, and was about to just type goodnight when epiphany struck.  His fingers typed out the next text before his brain had a chance to stop them.

_ You: Could you still get a hold of dad? If you wanted? _

_ Gabe:... _

_ Gabe: Yes… _

_ You: Could you set up a meeting?  I’m ready now. _

_ Gabe: Cas, are you sure that what's going on with Dean isn't affecting you? _

_ You: I guarantee it is. _

_ Gabe: Then why don't you wait? _

Cas took a deep breath, knowing Gabe was just trying to look out for him.

_ You: Because I don't want to risk being forced to live with regret. _

His phone is silent for a long time, and he starts to wonder if Gabe might have fallen asleep.  He's just about to lay down himself when his phone finally buzzes.

_ Gabe: I'll let you know. _

 

 

The next morning the mood in the house is the best it's been in days, all things considered.  The weight on Dean’s shoulders is lifted, and the entire house seems to sense it.  Even Henry doesn't fuss much that morning, cooing softly in Jess’ arms after being fed.  Cas heard back from Anna, sending a few texts back and forth with her, and when he sees Dean smile at him from across the kitchen, he relaxes, knowing the worst is behind them.  After breakfast, Dean and Sam left for a drive, leaving Cas alone in the living room with Bobby and Henry, who was currently laying in a sleeper.  Ellen and Jo left for the grocery store, and Jess slipped away for a shower and some alone time, which Cas could hardly blame her for.  Cas looked up at Bobby from the book Ellen had leant him when he felt the older man’s eyes on him.

“Sam tells me John pulled you aside for a private talk,” Bobby said without preamble, looking at Cas from under his trucker hat.  Cas took a breath and nodded.

“Yeah, asked about me and my job,” he said simply.  

“And about Dean of course,” Bobby added, seeing right through Cas’ evasion.  Cas felt a little color in his cheeks.

“Well, yeah,” he mumbled, hoping against  _ hope _ that the marriage part of the talk didn't come up.  There was a pause as Bobby seemed to make up his mind about something, then he stood slowly and dropped his newspaper on the coffee table.

“John was always worried about Dean, about the pressure he put on him as a boy.  I'm sure that hearing from you set him at ease, he knew his boy would be looked after.”  Cas flushed, but smiled, sensing the unspoken  _ for the rest of his life _ .  It seemed Bobby just  _ knew  _ what he and John had talked about, even though the exact words never left Cas’ lips.

“I'm going to try,” Cas shrugged.  Bobby nodded and walked upstairs, leaving Cas alone with Henry.  He looked over at the baby, noticing his eyes were focused on Cas, and Cas started to get a little nervous.  He'd never been alone with Henry before, and Cas was just thinking to himself  _ please don't need anything _ .  Right on cue, Henry’s face drew down into a frown, his legs and arms kicking restlessly in the sleeper.  “No no no, hush,” Cas murmured gently.  “You're okay,” he added, feeling slightly helpless.  Henry continued to kick, small whines starting to bubble out of him.  Cas tried rocking the sleeper, but if anything it made it worse.  As Henry started to actually cry, he looked around for  _ anyone,  _ but he was totally alone.

_ Well, shit. _

The longest Cas had held Henry was for maybe 30 seconds, and that was with Sam, Jess,  _ and  _ Dean all standing around him, ready to leap in when Cas got nervous.  He had no  _ idea  _ what to do with a baby, and the fear that anything could go wrong always made him avoid taking Henry if he could.  Cas wasn't made for kids, he wasn't made to be anything even resembling parental.  Right now, it seemed Cas was going to have to get over that and do something because Henry was only getting fussier.  He moved to hover over the sleeper, gently undoing the restraints around Henry’s tiny shoulders.

“Hey, hey, it's okay,” he shushed Henry in his best soothing voice.  Carefully, he lifted Henry out of the sleeper, holding him against his shoulder with a hand pressed to his back to steady him.  “Work with me here, little guy.  I have no clue what I'm doing,” he muttered nervously.  God he was so  _ tiny,  _ Cas’ long fingers splayed out across his back emphasizing his small size.  As slow as he could Cas sat on the couch, Henry still whimpering on his shoulder, though his cries had diminished some.  “I don't know what to do,” Cas sighed quietly to the baby.  “You got stuck with the wrong babysitter I'm afraid.”  He adjusted Henry carefully as he leaned back on the couch, ensuring he had a good grip as he continued talking to the crying infant out of nerves.  “Your parents make this look so easy, you know.  Naturals.  Your Uncle Dean, too, he knows just what to do to calm you down.”  Cas adjusted his grip and sighed.  “To be honest, your Uncle Dean takes care of everyone, even me.  He got me through the identity crisis of the century, and there's no way I could… I mean, how do you repay someone for something like that?  I try to be strong, like him, to hold him when he needs it but… it doesn't feel like I'm enough.  I depend on your Uncle Dean so much, to have someone helpless like you depend on  _ me _ … Even with Dean at my side it's a terrifying thought.”

“You seem to be doing okay,” Dean’s voice said gently from behind him.  Cas’ face flushed deep red, turning to look at Dean, and that's when he realized that Henry had fallen asleep against his shoulder.  “The vibration from your voice must have put him out,” Dean whispered, smiling in amusement.  Cas stood and gently slipped Henry back in his sleeper, buckling him in and letting out a heavy breath once he was secure.

“How much did you hear?” he mumbled, not turning to face Dean, his cheeks still burning in embarrassment.  Dean walked over to him, slipping his arms around his waist from behind.

“Depends on how much is too much,” he hummed against Cas’ neck.  Cas shied away, ashamed of his weakness but Dean pulled him tighter, burying his nose in Cas’ hair.  “Cas, angel, I wish I could show you how much strength I get from you.  You are  _ more  _ than enough,  _ more than enough,” _ Dean pressed a soft kiss against his shoulder.  Dean’s touches felt slightly desperate, and Cas turned in his arms to look at him, wondering why.  Dean’s eyes were filled with an intensity, deep emeralds shining with emotion, and Cas had to look away, overwhelmed.

“Dean.”  Cas’ voice came out as a whimper and Dean pulled him tight against his chest, the rapid beating of Dean’s heart under his hand causing his own to accelerate.

“I love you.  And I know those are just words, that they can't possibly encompass everything I’m feeling, but I  _ need  _ you to hear them.  I need you to know that you _ , just you _ will always be enough for me.”

They pull apart slowly as Sam enters the room, Dean bragging to Sam about how Cas soothed Henry to sleep all on his own.  As Cas brushed off the compliment, something inside him shifted.  Maybe it was how Dean had sounded so raw before his brother’s arrival, maybe it was the look in his eyes when he saw Cas holding Henry, or maybe it was Dean hearing Cas’ confession.  As he watched Sam’s eyes soften while looking at Henry sleep, the new feeling intensified.  Whatever the reason, it took that definite  _ no _ , that base fear he'd always felt at the thought of family and stripped it away, replacing it with a small hope.

 

 

The following day, Dean and Cas booked a flight back home.  Cas didn't want to put Hannah out any longer than he already had, and Dean was starting to get antsy.  Sam and Jess worked out a system with their professors to take their exams online, so they could stay just a little while longer.  Cas suspected that outside of needing to be with family, both of them were just happy to have nearly three times the help with the baby for a bit longer.  Cas sometimes forgot how young Sam still was, two more years to go before he graduated, and he’d just turned 20.

Before Dean and Cas left, Ellen put together a huge lunch for everyone, which included a homemade pie made by Cas, to Dean’s utter delight.  Dean and Cas said their goodbyes, and Bobby dropped them off at the airport with just enough time to spare.  Cas knew they were cutting it close to help distract Dean from his nerves, but the short amount of time between their arrival and departure was doing nothing good for  _ Cas’  _ nerves.  They got to their gate just in time for boarding, Dean breathing heavily like they'd just sprinted even though they’d barely walked quickly, his nerves already kicking in.  Cas knew the flight would be harder this time around, but he didn't realize exactly how bad until they were sitting in their seats.

“Cas, Cas I can't, I can't do this,” Dean whimpered frantically, clinging to him.  He was gasping on his inhales and trembling, and Cas pressed a kiss to his forehead as he looked around.  They were in the tail end of the plane, no one seated behind them or for a few rows so at least there was no one to judge them.  Cas flagged down a flight attendant.

“Miss, could we please get a blanket?” he asked.  The leer on her face explained what she  _ thought  _ they'd be doing with the blanket, but when she looked over at Dean, the smirk faded.

“Sure thing, just a moment,” she muttered, hurrying off.  Cas  _ wished  _ that's what they'd be doing; he'd much rather be giving Dean a blow job than soothing him through an anxiety attack.   _ Though that might help… _  When the attendant brought the blanket, Cas gave up on that line of thought and practically cocooned Dean in it, pulling Dean’s head to his chest and breathing deeply and evenly.  They started to taxi down the runway, and Dean whimpered.

“Breathe with me, Dean” Cas hummed softly, keeping his breaths long and steady.  Dean clung to him as they took off, shakily inhaling and exhaling until he was able to match Cas, the trembling in his limbs slowing to a stop.  Cas dropped his lips to the top of Dean’s head, and he hummed a random tune, hoping the vibration would help keep Dean calm.  

An hour in, Dean’s grip had relaxed, though he was still laying half on top of him, and he shifted to look up at Cas.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to fall apart like that,” he mumbled.  Cas kissed his forehead.

“Don't apologize about this, Dean, ever again, or no more shower sex,” Cas attempted to tease.  Dean gave him a small smile, and Cas grinned back, relieved that his sorry excuse for humor worked.  So maybe he was a little proud of himself and his ability to take care of Dean, there was nothing wrong with that.

“Guess I better behave then.”  Dean pulled the blanket loose to slip his hand around Cas’ waist, fingers rubbing along the edge of his shirt.  Cas rested his lips softly against his forehead, relieved Dean had finally relaxed.  “Hey, Cas?”

“Hm?”  He leaned back to see Dean’s face, mild curiosity in Dean’s eyes.

“What did you and my dad talk about?” he asked, catching Cas off guard.  

“Nothing really,” Cas mumbled, flush with embarrassment.  Dean’s bitch face told Cas how much he believed him, and Cas knew he wouldn’t let it go, so he settled with a small truth.  “He just… he was sizing me up, trying to see who I was.  He wanted to make sure I'd take care of you,” Cas explained.  Dean’s eyes sobered, but they were still soft in a smile.  He bent his head, curling tighter against Cas under the blanket, and Cas was relieved Dean let the topic go.

“I gave you my heart, Cas.  I knew you'd take care of it.”

Cas spent the next twenty minutes before Dean dozed off convincing himself he would  _ not  _ fucking cry because of Dean’s last statement.  Because the part of the conversation he  _ hadn't  _ told Dean about, he knew now, more than ever, that was what he wanted.

 

 

Once they’d landed Dean drove them home, where they both promptly collapsed into bed to take a power nap.  It felt good to be home again, back in  _ their  _ bed, surrounded by their things, physical evidence of the life they’d built together.  Even after waking, they just laid in bed silently, Cas’ fingers running lazily through Dean’s hair where his head rested against his sternum.  He could hear the gears turning in Dean’s head, still sorting out his new reality, that his father was gone.  He trusted Dean enough to know if he needed to talk, he would ask, so Cas stayed silent until Dean sat up, smiling down at him genuinely.

“You good?” Cas asked.  Dean nodded, confidently.

“He’s gone but, for a brief moment, we got to be a family.  Him, mom, Sam, me, Jess, Henry, and you, too,” he leaned forward to kiss Cas briefly.  “I imagine it’ll still hurt sometimes, but that’s what you’re here for, right?”  Cas nodded, and Dean’s wide smile was genuine, washing away any lingering worries Cas had.  Dean crawled out of bed to use the bathroom, and Cas made his way downstairs to see about something to eat.

Dinner was simple lunch meat sandwiches and chips, and they both settled in at the dining room table.  Cas was answering some emails, which he'd horribly fallen behind on.  He wasn’t worried because Gabe’s statement about his assistant manager seemed to prove true, judging by the messages from Hannah.  It seemed every time a problem came up, she found a perfectly easy solution for it in spite of Cas not answering her.  After the emotional roller coaster of his sister’s wedding and John’s passing, he'd be glad to get back to the bakery, to get lost in the mindless busywork again.  Yeah, he'd miss the easy laziness of constantly being with Dean, but he could tell as Dean checked his own messages he was ready to go back to work, too.  

They'd just finished eating, and Dean broke the easy silence just as Cas cleared out his inbox.

“Got the house to ourselves for a day or two,” Dean hummed thoughtfully.

“It's gonna be quiet without Henry around,” Cas pointed out, clearing off the table.  Dean helped carry the dishes out to the kitchen, sliding the leftover chips in the pantry.

“I hope not,” Dean replied in a low voice, his footsteps moving upstairs.  His words were casual but his  _ voice  _ was anything but, and Cas spun on his heel just in time to watch Dean disappear, his mouth going dry as the  _ full  _ implication of what Dean said sank in.  Cas rushed to catch up, scrambling up the steps two at a time and bursting into their bedroom, probably looking a bit frantic.  Dean had removed his shirt and undone the button on his jeans, the denim starting to slip down his hips where he stood, waiting for Cas with a smirk on his face.  “Took you long enough.”

“Dean,” Cas sighed, swallowing hard as Dean’s stance shifted, his abs contracting, the subtle movement easy to track because of his tattoos.   _ God was he doing this on purpose?! _

“Like what you see?” he flirted.   _ Yes he was.   _ Cas whimpered and nodded, but pushed down the heat simmering under his skin...barely.  He moved into the room, making sure he held Dean’s gaze as he spoke.

“Just one thing,” Cas said, amazed his voice came out even.  Dean raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest, the muscles shifting under his skin and the slight droop of his pants almost derailing Cas’ thoughts.

“What's that?”

“Promise you're not hiding behind this.”  The serious topic cools some of Dean’s flirting, much to Cas’ relief, he was having a hard time focusing.  “That you're not coping by losing yourself in me.  I promised to take care of you, not enable you.”  He waits while Dean thinks, his gaze unfocused for a minute or two until his eyes meet Cas’ again in a smile.

“I'm good, Cas.  Really.  This, right now, isn't about my grief.”  Dean uncrossed his arms, every ounce of smoulder in his eyes.  “It's about us having loud obnoxious sex while my brother isn't home.”  Cas hears the truth hidden beneath Dean’s humor, and he relaxes.

“Then what are we waiting for?” he asks, smiling coyly at Dean.  Dean’s smirk is back, and with an expert flick of his hips, his pants are pooling around his ankles, his arousal obvious in his tight boxer briefs.  Dean steps out of his pants, walking up to Cas and gently running his fingers over the light blue button up, soft touches running along the seams of the fabric, over Cas’ chest, along the collar, trailing back to slowly undo his buttons.  Cas slips free of his shirt, and smiles when Dean’s eyes travel down his bare torso.  Cas preens under the attention, his inhibitions falling away as he catches up to the idea that they’re  _ completely alone.   _ His hands find Dean’s hips, pulling him close.

“Well hello, Cas,” Dean winked.  Cas ran his hand along Dean’s arousal through his underwear.

“I want you to fuck me,” he hummed.  Dean’s eyes flashed and he dropped his hands to Cas’ thighs, lifting and tossing him on the bed with a growl that goes straight to Cas’ groin.  Dean doesn’t hesitate to crawl over him, boxing him in.

“So fucking sexy,” Dean manages to get out between mouthing at the skin on his chest and stomach.  “The sex hair and the blue eyes, these  _ hips. _ ”  Dean nibbled at the pronounced curves, and Cas arched into the small pinches as Dean marked him.  And he knew that's exactly what Dean was doing, the way he was acting now, he was  _ claiming  _ Cas, and it felt  _ fantastic. _

_ “ _ All for you,” Cas moaned, lifting his hips as Dean removed his pants and both pairs of boxer briefs.  “Only yours, Dean.”  Dean curses and surges forward, kissing Cas fiercely.

“And I'm yours, angel,” he grunted, rolling his body into Cas’, lips leaving bruises along his neck.  “All yours, Castiel.”  Dean had never let himself go like this, let himself mark and take and  _ god  _ it was making Cas impatient.  He wiggles out from under Dean, grabbing the lube from the bed stand and shoving it towards Dean as he rolled over onto his stomach.  He felt Dean move over him, spreading Cas’ knees with his own and licking a wet stripe from his tailbone to his neck.

“Need you,” Cas whined, pushing back against Dean where he was draped over him, and Dean laughed breathily.  

“Someone’s excited,” he purred, popping open the lube.  Cas was so turned on he was leaking onto the sheets, savoring the weight of Dean above him as he wrapped an arm around Cas’ chest and slid a slick hand towards his opening.  He felt  _ alive _ , nerves tingling with electricity, body humming with anticipation and want.  Dean’s first finger slid inside him and he let out a long, low moan at the feeling, writhing back onto his hand.

“ _ Mmm, Dean…” _

“You like that?” Dean hummed in his ear, and Cas tilted his head to the side to give Dean free access to his neck, which Dean promptly started to lavish attention on.  He slipped a second finger in beside the first, the slight burn gone almost instantly as Cas’ body accepted the intrusion and asked for more.  Dean found his prostate and Cas’ whole body bucked into the touch.  Cas didn't think it could get much better, until Dean let out an animalistic grunt and latched onto the meat of his shoulder with his teeth.  

_ That’s going to bruise, _ was the fleeting thought in Cas’ mind, and his arousal jumped at the thought, a surge of strong heat running through him.   _ Holy shit, guess I like that. _

“Fuck... Dean?” he gasped, Dean’s tongue soothing the indent his teeth had made.

“Yeah, lover?” he breathed hotly into Cas’ skin.

“I think-  _ ngh, shit _ \- I think I’m developing a m-marking kink,” he managed to gasp out.  Dean huffed a small laugh, laced with lust.

“I’m not even being touched and I’m h-having a hard time, how the fuck can you even  _ think _ right now?” Dean pressed down hard on his prostate to emphasize his point, and every muscle in Cas’ body seized up at the sudden hard stimulation.

“ _ Ohfuckohfuck _ ,” Cas whined, and Dean chuckled again.

“That's more like it,” he purred.  His teeth continued to nip across Cas’ shoulder blades, biting a little harder than normal, sending shocks of pleasure down to his fingers and toes.  As his third finger slipped inside Cas he paused to suck a bruise onto the base of his neck.  Coherent thought left him, Dean’s fingers and lips the only things keeping him grounded as Dean relentlessly brushes his prostate, over and over till Cas snaps, all tension leaving him as he’s thrown into a blinding orgasm.

He's vaguely aware of Dean’s teeth gently running down his back, bringing him back to himself, and as he slowly comes around, he remembers reading about prostate orgasms.  Everything he'd heard said they were hard to achieve; you had to reach a completely relaxed state, basically turn everything off and just  _ feel _ .  The fact that he was still rock hard made him realize that's what had just happened.  That  _ Dean _ had gotten him to that level.

_ Holy fuck. _

“Dean-” he coughs, his voice a lot hoarser than he thought it would be.

“Angel, I know I said loud sex but  _ damn  _ I think they heard you on the moon,” Dean gasped, his laugh breathy and lustful.  

“I came, from you just-” he gasped out again.  Dean bit at his tattoo, and Cas swears he’s marking each feather on each wing.   _ He’s really  going with this marking kink, _ Cas thought to himself, and he fucking loved it.

“I know, beautiful,” Dean purred.  Cas groaned, moving back as Dean attempted to pull his fingers away.

“Don't you fucking dare,” he grunted.

“Easy, Cas.” Dean hummed, humor in his voice.  Cas shook his head, reaching back to grab hold of Dean’s arm.

“Please, I still need you,” he pleaded.  Dean leaned back on his heels, easily pulling free of Cas’ grip.  When his hand left him Cas whimpered, not from pain, but from feeling so  _ empty. _

“Are you sure?” Dean asked.  Cas rolled his eyes, he was done being treated so gently.  He spun and shoved Dean backwards, and Dean was so surprised he didn’t even resist, falling onto his back with a gasp.  Cas was on him instantly, straddling his hips, his hands on Dean’s shoulders.

“Dean, I said I wanted you to fuck me,” Cas growled, able to see the lube and grab it before Dean did.  Dean was staring up at him in wonder, eyes wide and pupils taking up his entire iris, and it was a heady feeling.  Cas poured out some lube into his hand, raising an eyebrow to Dean who simply nods, his head falling back and his eyes slipping shut as Cas spreads the lube on Dean’s arousal.  He lines up with Dean, looking to Dean’s eyes, and when Dean nods again, he drops down in one smooth motion, until he’s flush with Dean’s hips.  It felt so  _ good,  _ emotionally and physically, to be there with Dean in that moment, and not even waiting for the burn to fade, he rose up, sliding back down slowly.

A string of curses and praise comes from Dean, his eyes focused on where they’re joined, hand resting passively on Cas’ hips as he rises and falls.  To see Dean looking at him like that, so worshipful and loving, it was indescribable.  His muscles started to burn from the exertion but he could hardly feel it, so lost in the moment that everything else faded away except for the steady build up of heat in his gut.

“I love you,” Cas gasps out, fingers clinging to Dean desperately, struggling for purchase as his rhythm started to falter.  Dean meets his eyes, and between the physical pleasure and the emotions running high, it all starts to become  _ too much _ , and yet not enough.  “Dean, I-”

“Angel, I got you, it's okay,” Dean hums, sitting up and pulling Cas tight to him, rolling them slowly.  Cas has his arms wrapped tightly around Dean’s back as Dean rocks his hips, holding on for dear life.  Dean moves in quick thrusts, both of them chasing their ends.  “Castiel, hey, look at me.”  Cas hadn’t realized his eyes were squeezed shut.  As soon as he opens them and meets Dean’s eyes he's flying into his orgasm, painting their stomachs as Dean releases inside him, their foreheads pressed together, sharing breath.  “I love you,” Dean gasps against Cas’ lips.  Unable to speak, Cas just runs his fingers over Dean’s cheek, nodding slowly.  They come down together, Dean staying inside him for as long as possible before pulling away to curl up along Cas’ back.  They both know that words aren't enough to explain what's between them, but words are what they have, so they whisper a few more I love yous before drifting off to sleep.

 

 

June and July pass uneventfully, the house settles into an easy routine of work, summer classes for Sam and Jess, and family time.  Dean is still singing in addition to his managerial work, and one night when Charlie is over for dinner, she spends some time talking with Dean about writing more music.  As it turns out, Dean can't seem to say no to Cas or Charlie, so between Cas’ puppy eyes and Charlie’s logic, he's agreed to write more without much of a fight at all.  

They spend the Fourth of July weekend at Gabriel’s, and to Gabe’s surprise, Sam and Jess come along as well.  Henry and Gabe become inseparable, the three month old and the 33 year old bonding instantly.  Cas was worried at first that Gabe’s flirting with Sam would cause problems, but Jess found it hysterical, and ended up urging Gabe on.  Cas felt so bad for Sam at one point he offered to go with Sam to get the food for dinner, just to get him out of the house.

He very promptly made Cas regret it by inadvertently admitting that if he wasn't with Jess, he would have totally taken Gabe up on his offer.  It comes out on accident, and Cas nearly runs an old woman over with the cart after Sam says it. Cas and Sam refused to speak to anyone upon their return from the store, both a bit too traumatized to talk about it.  Doesn't stop Dean from getting it out of Cas later, and nearly dying with laughter, complete with falling off the bed, tears streaming down his face.

Thankfully, in spite of his behavior, Gabe knows when he's toeing the line of appropriate and not, and apologizes to Sam the next morning.  The rest of the weekend went smoothly after that, playing with sparklers and small firecrackers in Gabe’s backyard.  Dean manages, with a bit of a struggle, to steal a private moment with Cas, both of them remembering what happened on the Fourth the year before.  

This time, as the sparklers reflect in Dean’s eyes, Cas knows why he's getting lost, and he doesn't want to be found.

 

 

Half of August has passed, heat and humidity sticking to Cas like a second skin at this point _. _  He was just closing up shop on a Friday evening after sending everyone else home, filling out the last of the closing paperwork, when a brunette walked in with a boy in tow.  She was looking a bit haggard, exhausted and worried, but the boy he was assuming was her son lit up with excitement at the sight of Cas’ cases.  

“Hello!” he called, trying to be friendly even though he knew Dean’s cheeseburgers were waiting for him at home.  “I'm just about closed, but you're welcome to what's left in the case.”  The boy ran to the case, peering inside excitedly, and the woman smiled gratefully at Cas.

“They say your pies are the best in Orlando,” she called.  Cas smiled at the compliment.

“I'll leave that up to you to decide.  I have a couple apples left, and a mixed berry.”  She let out a relieved sigh.

“I'll take an apple please,” she pointed at the apple crumble in the front of the case.  Cas pulled on some gloves and grabbed it, boxing it up quickly.  The woman dug in her purse, pulling out some cash.

“Mom, can I get a cupcake?” the boy asked.

“No, honey, we haven't eaten dinner yet.”  

“I can save it for later.”

“Please, sweetie, I'm tired, okay?  Don't argue.”  Cas smiled at her politely, focusing on ringing in the sale and handing her the change.  “Thank you,” she sighed, taking the bag and walking out, ushering her son in front of her.  Cas decided to add the sale to the next day’s totals, his stomach growling hungrily as he packed up the rest of the paperwork and locked up.  He practically sped home, pulling into the driveway just a few minutes later than normal.

“We were going to start without you,” Sam called when Cas walked in.

“That would be the last thing you ever did,” Cas snipped, and Sam laughed.

“Everyone knows you get first pick, Cas,” Dean sighed, carrying a plate of burgers out to the table just as Cas sat down.  Dean paused for a quick kiss, and Sam made a gagging noise.

“Oh, hush, Sam,” Jess laughed.  “If you do that every time your brother acts grossly in love you're actually going to throw up one of these days.”  She proceeded to try and scoop another spoonful of rice cereal mush into Henry’s mouth.

“He's actually swallowing some now!” Cas chuckled.  Jess grinned happily.

“We’re still figuring out how the cereal works, but yeah, he's getting there.”  She wiped at Henry’s chin, and Cas had to admit that there was a lot of cereal on the bib.  Cas looked over the plate, picking out the burger he wanted and diving into the bowls of toppings in the center of the table.  Dean beamed at Cas, and he knew he picked the right one.  It had become a silent game between them on burger night, Dean always made one special burger, and Cas would try to find it.  Sure enough, as soon as he bit into it, a burst of cheese oozed out of the center.

“Aw man, I'm jealous,” Sam laughed.

“Sorry Sam,” Cas mumbled through a full mouth, not caring about table manners.  Everyone laughed and Dean planted a kiss on the top of his head before sitting down to eat.  Sam and Jess talked about their school schedule for the coming semester, arranging for Dean to watch Henry a couple days so they could take an extra class each.  

They were just about finished the doorbell ringing made the group go quiet.  Sam stood and made his way out to the door, the rest of the table listening closely as he answered.  

“Um, what are you doing here?”  Sam’s speaking in hushed tones, and the urgency in his voice makes Dean stand up, following his brother towards the door to see what's going on.  He stops in his tracks before he even walks out of view.

“Hello, Dean,” comes a woman’s voice from out of view.

“Look, now's not really the best-” Sam started, but he’s cut off.  The boy from the bakery comes into view, wrapping his arms around Dean in a tight hug.

“Ben!” comes the woman’s voice again.  Dean holds up a hand to the unseen woman.

“Hey, buddy,” he says gently, confusion in his voice but genuine affection for the kid in there as well.  “This is a surprise,” Dean added, as Ben released him and stepped back out of sight.

“I know, I'm sorry, but I heard what happened, and we were in St. Augustine for vacation so I thought…”  Cas stood up from the table, Jess reaching out to grab his arm and stop him.  Her eyes are wide in silent warning.

“ _ That's Ben,” _ she barely whispered.  When Cas frowned in confusion, obviously not understanding the significance, Jess squeezed his arm gently.  “ _ Lisa’s son.” _

Oh.

_ Oh. _

Cas pulled out of Jess’ grip, walking into the foyer to see the woman from earlier standing in the doorway, Sam standing awkwardly between her and Dean.

“What's going on?” he asked, wincing at how accusatory his words sounded.  For a moment no one said anything, then he noticed the recognition in Lisa’s face, the pie she bought from him hanging from her arm.

“I'm sorry, Sam was right this was a bad time,” she said hurriedly.  She stepped inside to hand Dean the pie, wrapping her arm around Ben’s shoulders.  Ben frowned up at his mother.

“What's going on?” he asked.

“It's okay, Ben.  Your mom just surprised me is all,” Dean sighed, shooting a glance at Cas, but not meeting his eyes.  “It's just a little complicated, buddy,” Dean added, with a reassuring smile.  

“Hey, Ben, why don't you and me give Dean a moment with your mom?” Sam said, a bit louder than normal.  Ben looked up at his mother who smiled and nodded.  

“It’s okay, go with Sam.  I just need a minute,” she insisted, and Dean also smiled genuinely at him, setting Ben at ease.  Ben nodded, following Sam back further into the house, Sam turning confused eyes to Cas before leaving.  Once they were out of earshot and the TV was on, Dean’s smile faded completely.

“Why are you here, Lis?” Dean asked, barely above a whisper.

“I heard about John, and I wanted to see you.  You hate condolences over the phone,” she whispered back, shooting an odd look at Cas over Dean’s shoulder, like she was wondering why he was still there.  Cas felt a twisting in his stomach at her mentioned reminder that she had spent time as Dean’s lover before him.  Dean had admitted to almost proposing to her, so even if Dean hadn't loved her, they had been  _ something _ .  Even the fact that Ben felt comfortable going with Sam meant that Dean had introduced them to his brother at some point.  Cas wasn’t stupid, he was well aware of Dean’s history, he’d found out about almost  _ all  _ of it before he even realized he’d fallen for Dean, but he knew from experience that the past can always come back to bite you.

“You could have called ahead at least,” Dean added, sounding more wary than annoyed.  Cas wanted to say something, but he wasn't sure what he could say without sounding jealous or petty, so he kept his silence.case

“Would you have agreed to me coming over?” she asked, shooting Cas another furtive look.  Dean followed her gaze to Cas, rubbing agitatedly at the back of his neck as he turned back to her.

“Don't do that, of course I would.”  Cas could see tension between them, the strain from a not so clean break up, and he could see how hard Dean was trying to let it go.

“It's been a while,” Lisa said, changing the topic.  “Almost two years now.”

“It has.  I built a life here, I couldn't just up and leave.  Plus with the baby, now, Sam needs me.”  

“I know, I’m not-” Lisa cut herself off and sighed.  “I didn't come here to try and make you feel guilty.  I'm sorry about John.”  Dean nodded slowly.

“Yeah,” he said, clearing his throat.  He looked back at Cas again, eyes widening when he realized he'd just been standing there awkwardly the whole time.  Dean turned so he wasn’t standing between Cas and Lisa anymore.  “Lisa, this is Castiel, my boyfriend,” Dean introduced him.  She paled slightly at the announcement, looking between them a few times.  The twisting in Cas’ stomach that had been there since her arrival seemed satisfied for the moment with Dean’s claim on him.

“Nice to meet you.  I can see you still know Dean’s favorite,” Cas said quietly, pointing to the pie.  He knew he sounded cold, but he wasn't exactly  _ excited _ to meet Dean’s ex.  He watched her eyes drop down to his collar, and he remembered the dark mark Dean had left on his neck the night before.  Usually Dean kept his hickey’s and bites low enough that no one else could see, but Cas had  _ begged  _ for something visible for once.  Now he was glad he did, tugging at his shirt as he stood straighter to make the mark more visible, daring her to say something about their relationship.

“Yeah, thanks for the pie,” she stammered, pulling her eyes away from the mark to where she was nervously fiddling with her keys.  Something childish in Cas was pleased with his ‘victory’.  Dean turned to Cas, handing him the pie, and the almost-smile at the corner of his lips makes Cas’ preening stop.  The almost-smile then fades when he meets Cas’ eyes, and he can see Dean wants him to go.  Cas doesn't want to feel upset by the dismissal, he knows he doesn't have a reason to, but it stings all the same. 

“Just give me a minute, okay?” Dean says quietly, trying to reassure him.  Cas looks at Lisa, though she refuses to meet his gaze.

“Okay,” he agrees, and Dean brushes the smallest of kisses against his temple before he steps outside the front door with Lisa.  Cas took the pie to the kitchen, returning to the table to finish what was left on his plate and quickly help Jess clean up the leftovers.  Sam and Ben are in the living room, watching something on TV, and ignoring Jess’ concerned gaze, Cas makes his way upstairs quickly, dodging any chance of Jess stopping him.  He drops into the loveseat he and Dean had bought for the second bedroom, tucking his feet underneath himself and just  _ waiting. _

He knew Dean was an adult and could take care of himself, but it didn’t stop Cas’ thoughts and feelings plunging into increasingly crappy scenarios.  Logically, he trusted Dean, and he used his strong belief in that trust to push away any impending jealousy.  Concern and protectiveness swirled in his chest as well; he was worried about Dean, about her hurting him either by guilt, by her presence, or by digging up things Dean didn’t want dug up.  Irrational anger bubbled up in Cas, too, anger at her for shoving her way into Dean’s life again, and for not having the decency to give him a  _ choice  _ about it.  He barely even notices when Dean comes upstairs, walking into the room and dropping next to him on the loveseat.

“Talk to me,” Dean says.  Cas turns to look at him, and judging from the amount of worry in Dean’s eyes, he has a pretty good idea of what the scowl on his face looks like.  He takes a few deep breaths, clearing out his emotions, realizing now that Dean was there how silly they all were.

“Sorry, it just… caught me off guard,” he says eventually, relaxing enough to unfold his legs.  Dean ran a hand through his own hair, chuckling darkly.

“Yeah, me too.  I guess she heard from mom that dad had passed, and got our address to send something.  Decided to just wait and come see me instead.”  Cas didn’t say anything, so Dean continued talking.  “I know Ben has wanted to see me for a while, and if it weren’t for him I’m sure she wouldn’t have just dropped in like this.  I think some part of her thought I might come back at some point, and I think meeting you finally chased that idea out of her head.”  Cas runs his fingers over the seam on his jeans, calming himself further.

“Is she sticking around?” Cas asked, hoping he sounded indifferent.  Dean nodded.

“For a couple days.  They have a hotel, she’s planning on taking Ben to one of the theme parks tomorrow.”

“Great time of year for it,” Cas joked.  August was probably  _ the worst  _ month to do a theme park, both because of crowds and because of the weather.  Dean shrugged.

“I know, but they’re here, and it’s a long trip for them.  I agreed to meet up with them for dinner tomorrow, I was hoping you might come with.”  An unpleasant chill runs down Cas’ spine, and he can’t figure out  _ why _ .  Why is her visit upsetting him so much?

“I don’t know,” Cas nibbled at his lip.  Dean reached out, running his hand over Cas’ arm and down to his hand.

“I want you to be there, Cas, to see you don’t have anything to worry about.”  Dean’s words were teasing, but there was a layer of truth underneath them.

“I trust you, Dean, I’m not worried about that,” Cas sighed.  

“Then what are you worried about?” Dean asked, squeezing Cas’ fingers.  Cas let his breath out in a huff.

“I guess I’m just worried about you.  About something happening to hurt you.”  Dean moved so he was kneeling in front of Cas, since Cas wouldn’t look at him.

“Hey, I know you don’t know her, but Lisa is a good person.  We wouldn’t have the history we do if she wasn’t.  Of the two of us, I’ve hurt her way more than she’s hurt me.”  He runs his fingers over Cas cheek, offering him a small smile.  “I know it’s unexpected, but we’ve faced worse.”  Cas relaxed enough to lean in and kiss Dean softly.

“I know,” he admitted.  Dean stood and helped him up, walking him into their bedroom.  Cas undid his button up, smiling slightly when he caught sight of himself in the mirror.  “Maybe it makes me a bad person, but I liked the look on her face when she saw what you left on my neck,” Cas said, gesturing towards the purple spot.  Dean blushed, making a show of rolling his eyes at Cas.  Just like that, the tension from Lisa’s sudden appearance seemed to thin out.

“Doesn't make you a bad person, makes you a kinky person,” Dean quipped, changing into his pajama pants.  Cas walked up to him, slipping his arms around his waist and nuzzling into his neck.

“I saw the possessive look on your face this morning, when you rolled over and saw it,” Cas purred into the hollow of Dean’s throat.  Dean scoffed in feigned disbelief.

“You sure?  I don't remember that.”  Dean slipped an arm around Cas, fingers trailing along his lower back.

“I'm sure.  Might as well have put a ‘property of Dean Winchester’ sign on my forehead,” Cas teased.  Dean laughed, kissing the top of his head.

“Shut up, you know you love it.”  Dean’s hand made its way up Cas’ spine, wrapping around his neck and tracing the bruise gently.  Cas felt a tingle run through every nerve in his body, both at Dean’s words and at his touch.  Cas’ fingers dug into the meat of Dean’s back.

“Dean,” he whined, not even sure what he was asking for.  Dean pressed a few more gentle kisses into his hair.

“Let's get in bed,” he said, nudging Cas gently backwards.  Cas released Dean long enough for them to climb onto the mattress, then he wrapped himself around Dean again.  “You sure you're okay?” Dean asked, no teasing in his voice anymore.  Cas opened his mouth to say yes, to say he would be, but a whimper was all that came out.  

Apparently he wasn't okay.  

Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, rolling them slightly so he was half laying on top of him, boxing him in and surrounding him as best he could.  “Look, you don't have to come with me tomorrow.  I'll take Sam, Ben knows him anyway.”  Cas gripped Dean tight and shook his head.

“No, I'll go,” he insisted, not wanting to be scared out of it.  Dean pulled away to look down at him, eyes searching Cas’ for a way to help.  He wished he could tell him, he wished that he could just ask for what he needed.  The problem was Cas didn't  _ know _ , and he was so frustrated with himself he broke eye contact with Dean and looked away.

“Where do you want it?” Dean said darkly.

“Want what?” Cas asked, still not looking at Dean’s eyes, instead focusing on his chin and cheek where his fingers had come to rest, his thumb brushing Dean’s lip.  Dean shifted so he was fully laying over Cas, leaning in to kiss down his neck, caressing his hickey with his tongue.

“Your new mark, where do you want me to put it?”  Dean’s breath was hot against his skin, and Cas started to feel himself relax.  Even after discovering Cas’ apparent kink, Dean hardly left many permanent marks on him, mostly just small ones that would disappear the next morning.  The darker hickeys and bites were something special, and Dean always let Cas choose where they were.  Getting two marks two days in a row, that had never happened before.  Cas was about to ask Dean why when he realized what was already happening.

His body was calming down, relaxing in anticipation of Dean’s offer.  It was making every part of him that had been anxious about Lisa relax.  Dean was his, and he was Dean’s, and while Dean may share a past with Lisa, Cas knew that he had Dean’s  _ future _ .

“I want you to choose,” Cas gasped out.  Dean looked up at him, eyes wide.

“Cas-”

“I mean it,” he insisted.  Dean studied his face closely, and Cas kept his eyes locked on Dean’s, not shying away from his gaze.  He seemed to find what he was looking for, and dropped his chin to kiss Cas, lazily licking into his mouth.  Cas’ fingers found Dean’s hair, raking through the short strands.  Dean shifts, his kiss trailing down Cas’ throat, along his collar bones, down his sternum, his tongue leaving a wet trail down Cas skin.

_ He isn't stopping, oh god he isn't stopping. _

It wasn't really about sex, but as Dean dipped lower, Cas’ arousal grew, his hips rolling into Dean’s body.  Dean nipped at each bump on Cas’ stomach, mapping the curves of his muscles, and he  _ still  _ kept sliding lower, biting not so gently at the lines of his hips.  Cas barely had time to process what was happening before Dean’s hand grabbed hold of his sweats, sliding them down to his knees.

Dean mouthed over his inner thigh, moving close to the erection trapped in his boxer briefs, but not quite reaching it.  After thoroughly kissing every bare patch of skin, Dean stopped, looking up Cas’ body, determined heat in his eyes.  Cas let out a keening sigh and nodded, and that seemed to be the cue Dean needed.  He nuzzled into Cas’ right thigh, his right hand resting on Cas’ knee, the other sliding through the slit on his boxer briefs to take hold of his erection.  He stroked him quickly a few times, Cas arching into the touch as his tongue slid along his right thigh.

Then Dean  _ bit _ .

Cas came back to himself, the white haze slipping away slowly.  Dean was still paying attention to his mark, licking soothingly.  His left hand was resting over Cas’ left hip, a damp mess in Cas’ boxer briefs.

“Dean-” Cas rasped, and Dean looked up at him, an awe filled smile on his face.  Cas propped himself up on his elbows to see what Dean had left him.  Red lines marked the outline of where his teeth had bit, and a bruise had been sucked into the skin at the center.  Cas reached down, running his fingers over the mark, amazed at how little pain there was in spite of how  _ hard  _ Dean had bit.  Dean’s head was pillowed on his other thigh, still smiling up at him.

“You like it?” he asked.  Cas nodded, smiling and running a hand over Dean’s cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered.  Dean pushed himself up, standing and sliding off the bed.  Cas caught a glimpse of a wet spot on Dean’s pajamas, and flushed with what felt like pride.  Dean made quick work of stripping and cleaning them both, sliding into bed behind Cas when he was done.

“Why do we even bother with pajamas?” Dean chuckled.  Cas grinned, holding Dean’s hand where it rested over his stomach.

“So we don't traumatize your brother?” Cas suggested.  Dean laughed, pressing a soft kiss against the back of his neck.

“So not worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK where the marking thing came from, but I felt like with Cas' insecurity, it fit with something he would like. *shrugs* Oh well.
> 
> COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT PLEASE?!?! I love hearing your thoughts!!


	22. Chapter Twenty-one - Happy Endings Do Exist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the last full chapter guys.
> 
> Wow, what a journey this has been for me. Thank you to all my steadfast and loyal readers, and thank you to those of you who may have discovered this at the end of this journey. I have one timestamp to finish this story off, so keep an eye out for that. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter guys!

Cas had never felt a day move so slowly.  He spent almost his entire shift staring at the clock, checking his phone, and feeling generally irritated.  Lucky for him, Hannah was there to serve the customers so Cas could sulk alone in his office.  He justified it by catching up on paperwork, but it was a thin excuse at best.  Just before close, Hannah walked into the office slowly, like she was waiting for Cas to attack.

“Dishes have been done for tomorrow, we’ve just got the rotation in the case left to do once we close,” she said simply.  Cas bit his tongue to keep from snapping at her.

“Thanks Hannah,” he grunted instead.  She hesitated before leaving the office.

“Are you okay, Castiel?” she asked.  He took a deep breath, trying to put on an indifferent face over his nerves.

“Yeah, I just have some personal stuff going on.”  Cas managed a small smile, but the look on her face told him she didn't buy it.  He knew she was just trying to help, but there really wasn't anything she could do this time.  She lingered another moment in the doorway, regardless of Cas’ dismissal.

“I can close up, if you want, so you can get out of here for whatever you've been waiting for all day.”  He looked up at her knowing smile and sighed.

“You don't have to do that-” Cas started to object, but she stuck her hand in front of his face, asking for the keys.  She smirked when he reached into his pocket and handed them over.

“Go on, get out of here,” she said, opening his office door and ushering him outside.  He waved at Alfie as he walked out, climbing into his car and turning on the A/C, leaving the door open to help the car cool down.  He gasped as the heated air pushed the breath out of his lungs, but he managed to get his seatbelt on without burning his fingers too badly.  He pulled out his phone to text Dean.

_ You: Leaving work early.  I'll just meet you there. _

He held his hand in front of the vent, relieved when the air started blowing cold over his fingers.  Having a boyfriend that knew how to take care of cars paid off, his A/C had stopped working a few weeks ago and Dean had fixed it for him in one day.  No A/C in Florida was  _ not  _ an option.  He shut the car door just as his phone buzzed.

_ Dean: Sounds good, Cas.  I'm on my way out, too.  Just finishing up some paperwork for the new karaoke equipment.   _

Cas sighed nervously, plugging his phone into the car charger and turning towards the interstate.  Lisa had taken Ben to Universal Studios, which was just down the street from their house, so Dean had offered to meet her there at their shopping and dining area, City Walk, to eat.  Cas couldn't exactly say he was looking forward to their dinner, it was more he was eager to get it over with.  Once Lisa was gone he knew his emotions would settle, and Dean wouldn’t be faced with a reminder of how he’d hurt her.  He knew Dean still bore some guilt about it, because it was Dean’s nature to  _ give _ , and he always felt bad when he had to  _ take. _

He shifted in his seat, the heat was making his sweaty shirt cling to his back uncomfortably.  As he tried to find a more comfortable position, the denim inseam on his pants rubbed across his new mark from Dean, sending goosebumps down his arms.  He shifted his leg again, using the small reminder of Dean to calm his nerves, at least temporarily.  Thankfully the drive was short, and he was pulling off the highway and onto Universal property before too long.  Of course, the walk from the parking garage, through security, and to the restaurant took away any comfort the A/C in his car had brought him, his clothes uncomfortably clingy and sweat dripping down his face.  He walked up to the place Dean had picked, The Cowfish, waving at Dean when he saw him waiting.

“Lisa just called, they're on their way out of the park now,” Dean said, gesturing off behind him at the main entrance to Universal Studios.  “You doing okay?” Dean asked.  Cas wiped sweat off his forehead, nodding slowly.

“I will be, once we’re out of this fucking heat,” he grumbled.  Dean raised an eyebrow at him.

“Says the Florida native.”  Cas opens his mouth to argue that it was  _ hot as balls _ regardless of how long he's lived there, but was cut off by the sound of a kid calling Dean’s name.  Dean turned and smiled as Ben ran to him, giving him a tight hug.  “Heya, Ben.” Dean chuckled, ruffling the kid’s hair as he pulled back.  Lisa walked up calmly in Ben’s wake, the sun suiting her olive skin.  “Hey, Lisa,” Dean said with a nod.  She smiled kindly at them both.

“Ready to head in?” she asked.

“I'm starving!” Ben announced.  Dean chuckled, ruffling his hair again.

“Well then let's get going.”  Dean said the words with a huge smile, and they turned and walked inside, Dean checking in with the hostess before the climbed the stairs to the dining room.

“The Cowfish, huh,” Lisa mused, looking around at the restaurant, fish and cow motifs everywhere.  Dean nodded.

“Some of the best burgers I've had, and plenty of sushi for you.”  The hostess turned to lead them to their table, Cas standing back to let the others go first, and Lisa hung back with him, Ben walking ahead with Dean.

“Castiel?” she said, timidly.  He turned to her, smiling through his discomfort.

“Yeah?”

“I just… I'm sorry for just showing up like this.  I didn't mean to cause trouble, I just- I heard about his dad and wanted to see him, make sure he was okay.  I didn't know...”  Cas looked ahead at the table, where Ben was talking animatedly about something, a bright smile wrinkling Dean’s eyes.

“I’m sorry if I came across as rude last night,” Cas supplied his own apology, hoping that it’ll break the tension between them enough to make this meal go smoothly.  It seems to work, and she smiles at him as they sit down, Dean glancing up to look between the two of them briefly before returning his attention to Ben.  The boy, whom Cas learned from Dean had turned eight this year, didn’t seem to be running out of park adventure stories, leaving Cas to make some small talk with Lisa while they ate.  He came to learn she was a personal trainer and a yoga instructor, and that Ben’s father hadn’t been a part of his life at all.  Cas was impressed to hear she was a single mom, and the way she talked about her life showed she was strong and independant, her main focus just taking care of her son.  Cas told her a little about himself, but purposefully stayed on safe topics like his work and his life with Dean.

He heard his name and looked over at Dean, paying more attention to the conversation he was having with Ben.

“Just because Cas owns the bakery, doesn't mean I get my pie for free,” Dean laughed.  “Not unless he makes some for me at home.”

“Well, if he was making pies all day, he probably doesn't want to make them when he comes home,” Ben reasoned.  Dean chuckled, and there was a deep fondness in his eyes as he looked at Ben.  Cas pushed the last few bites of his food away, settling back in his chair and watching Dean and Ben as they talked.  Ben had a few of Dean’s mannerisms, probably picked them up while Dean was living with them.  Lisa’s comment about the lack of contact from Ben’s father meant that Dean was probably the only male role model he'd had for any length of time.  Dean watched Ben with rapt attention, even when his stories made little to no sense, Dean listened like it was the only thing worth listening to.  Ben seemed to flourish under the attention, nearly bouncing happily in his chair when Dean would laugh at whatever he was saying.  

Dean was a  _ natural  _ parent, so tuned in to Ben he didn't even realize the dopey smile on his face.  When Dean looked up at him, green eyes bright with his smile, Cas smiled back in spite of the unease that was starting to creep under his skin.  When Dean looked away, the smile on Cas’ face faded, along with any relief he'd felt at the smooth conversation between him and Lisa.  Ben and Dean were talking about the boy’s school when Ben announced he needed to use the bathroom.  Lisa went to stand but Dean was up before her, smiling at her easily.

“I'll take him.  Hey Ben, wait till you see the fat Elvis,” he laughed, leading Ben off towards the back of the restaurant.

Which left an anxious Cas alone with Lisa.

There was a bit of an awkward silence at first, Lisa pretending to pick at the remainder of her food before she finally spoke up.

“I see the way you look at Dean,” she sighed.  “I used to look at him like that.  It's hard not to.”  She pushed her plate away and took a sip from her wine she’d been nursing all night.  “You guys are pretty serious, huh?”

“We are, yes,” Cas said simply, not trusting himself to say much more.

“It's easy to see the feeling is mutual.  When he looks at you...he never looked at me like that.”  She leaves the sentence hanging there awkwardly for a moment before she makes up her mind to continue.  “When you guys start your family, he is going to spoil those kids rotten.”  It’s like a switch is flipped, and Cas’ tentative hold on himself crumbles.

“Stop.”  Cas closes his eyes, trying to calm the rising panic in his chest.  

“Sorry, I didn't mean to-” Lisa jumps in quickly, but Cas shakes his head sharply.

“Stop, just… I know you're just being polite, and trying to take the sting out of an awkward situation.  But you don't know me, and you don't know anything about my relationship with Dean.”  Cas is shaking, the volume in his voice rising as his heart rate does.

“I'm not saying I do, I-”  Cas pushes back from the table, standing a bit too quickly and almost falling over his chair.  The people at the surrounding tables shoot him odd looks, and he just turns and walks out.

Just a couple words from her have set him panicking, and he doesn't know why he's panicking, it makes no sense, but he needed to get out of there, needs to get away from her.  Maybe it would have been easier if she had been an awful person, then Cas could have just hated her and been done with it.  He had started to wonder at dinner if she had come with the idea of taking Dean back, if only to give Ben a father.  Cas had to admit Dean was  _ good _ at it, good with Ben, and he didn't blame Lisa if that was her mission.  Once she'd found out about Cas she’d done everything she could to set him at ease, yet it all seemed to make it worse.  He made his way through the crowds of people, walking without a real direction in mind, and found himself back out at his car.

Without hesitation, he climbed in and made the short drive home, immediately walking upstairs and shutting himself in the spare bedroom, curling up on the couch.  He was crying, but he didn't know why, the tears were just falling down his cheeks.  He ignored the buzzing of his phone, he ignored Jess’ tapping on the door, asking if he was okay.  He ignored everything except the ache in his chest that he had no explanation for.

“Cas?  Cas, what's going on?”  Dean’s voice sounded a bit frantic through the door, and Cas glanced at the clock on the wall, realizing he'd been laying there for an hour already.  “Angel, we’re supposed to help each other, remember?  I can't help you if you won't talk to me.”  Cas took a couple deep breaths, steeling himself.

“Come in,” he grunted.  Dean stepped in, closing the door behind him and walking over to where Cas was sitting, crouching down in front of him.

“What happened?  Why'd you run off?” Dean asked, concern all over his voice and body language.  Cas shrugged, focusing his eyes on the carpet.  “Talk to me, please.  Ever since Lisa showed up, there's been something wrong.  Did she say something to you?”  Cas shook his head.  “Did I do something?”  Cas shook his head vigorously.  “Come on, Cas.  Gotta give me something to work with here.  Was it Ben?”  Cas went to shake his head, then he thought about it, about every interaction that Ben and Dean had, and realization ran him over like a freight train.

_ Fuck me. _

“I tried to tell you,” Cas sighed.  “I tried, but you wouldn't…”  Dean sits on the couch next to him, and Cas stands and walks away a few steps, he won't be able to handle Dean touching him right now.

“What, Cas?” Dean insisted, fear in his voice.

“It's why she's here, and it makes sense, it makes total sense.”

“Cas, angel,  _ you're _ not making sense,” Dean sighed.

“You should have gone, should have left before I, before we…”  Cas trails off at the pained noise that came from Dean.

“Why are you trying to break up with me again?”  Dean’s quiet words finally bring everything home to Cas.

“Because she can give you what I can't!” Cas shouted.  “With her you have Ben, and you're so good with him Dean, you're so beautiful, and I can't, I can’t…”

“Cas, hey,” Dean tries to soothe him, but Cas shakes his head.

“You deserve to have a family, to have the kids I know you want.”

“And you think I should have that with Lisa?!” Dean shouts.  Cas can hear him standing up, but he keeps his back turned, ignoring the hurt in his voice.

“You might be better off that way,” Cas snaps, anger rising up next to his pain.

“So you're just deciding this for me, huh?” Dean snapped back, anger seeping into his voice as well.  “Cas we’re in this together.  We promised to do things  _ together.” _

“Dean, don't-”

“No, Cas.  That's what being in a relationship is.  When shit comes at us, we talk it through, we help each other.  You don't get to decide what's  _ best  _ for me.”  Cas spins on his heel to face Dean, his body hot with anger and grief because he wouldn't  _ listen _ .

“Don't you get it?!” Cas shouted, “I want to marry you, Dean, I even asked for fucking permission from your dad!  And when I  _ know _ you want a family, how fucking selfish does that make me, huh?  To want to keep you when I can't-”  His voice that had started so strong in his anger cracked, and he turned away to hide his face in his hands.

Because that just fucking happened.

_ Shitshitshitshit _ .

He was crying again, curled in on himself, every part of him aching.  Dean was silent behind him, and Cas was glad he couldn't see his face, to see what his reaction was to Cas’ revelation.  It might just break Cas for good.  Cas’ knees gave out at the thought, and he crumbled to the carpet.

“Cas, oh,  _ Castiel _ ,” Dean whispered behind him, and Cas couldn't make out the emotion in his voice.  He caught sight of Dean’s feet, then his body as he dropped to his knees in front of Cas.  “Castiel, please, look at me,” he pleaded.  Cas shook his head, but didn't shy away when Dean’s hand ran over his cheek.  Hell, he fucking leaned into it, because his emotions couldn't make up their damn minds.

“I'm sorry,” Cas whimpered pathetically.  Dean’s other hand moved to cup his other cheek, and he lifted Cas’ head enough to kiss his forehead.

“I've told you before, Cas, and I'll tell you again and again until you believe me.  All I want is you.”  Cas reached up and grabbed hold of Dean’s forearms, his eyes still focused on the small patch of carpet between them.

“Stop saying that.  Stop lying about this to make me feel better,” Cas whimpered.  Dean refused to remove his hands from Cas’ face, and there wasn’t enough strength in Cas’ hands to try and pull him off.

“Okay, Cas.  Yes, someday I would love to have kids, start my own family.  But I want that  _ with you _ , Cas, I've wanted it from that stupid non-date at Logan's, our first Valentine's Day.”

“But I-”

“See, you're not listening either,” Dean said quietly.  “You're it for me, Cas, if we have 12 kids or no kids.   _ You. _ ”

“What if I never get past this?  What if I can't fix this broken part of me that panics every time I see you hold Henry? Or talk to Ben?”  Dean pressed his lips to Cas’ forehead again, and he feels himself starting to calm down in spite of himself.

“Then we’ll be the annoying uncles that Sam can't keep from spoiling his kids.  Cas, love, we’re so young still, we’re 26.  We don't have to decide this right now.”  Cas’ hands slip from Dean’s arms, reaching out to claw at his chest.

“I don't want to make you regret marrying me,” Cas said quietly, and Dean’s laugh made him lift his head finally, looking up at the man he loves.

“I like how you just assumed I’d say yes,” he chuckled, green eyes shining.  Cas’ face breaks into a small smile in spite of his tears, and he collapses forward into Dean’s arms, letting himself be comforted by them.

“Shut up,” Cas grumbled into Dean’s chest.

 

Cas woke up the next morning, the soreness in his body from his breakdown the night before lingering stubbornly.  Dean’s side of the bed was empty, but it wasn’t a surprise, he’d said something about heading out early that morning.  Cas crawled into a hot shower and dressed, making his way downstairs.  Sam was attempting to get Henry to eat a couple spoonfuls of rice mush, but judging from the amount on his bib and on his tray, it wasn't going so well.

“Careful how close you sit, he's figured out how to throw it,” Sam muttered.  Cas smiled, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“He seems very talented at making messes,” Cas said, smiling at Sam’s exasperation.  He toasted a bagel and sat across the table from Sam, munching as Sam gave up on the solid food and wiped up the mess Henry had made.  “Dean left to see Lisa and Ben off?” Cas asked.  Sam hesitated before answering, obviously wondering what to say after what happened last night.

“Yeah, he did.  Said he'd be back before lunch.”  Cas nodded.  It was Saturday, which was a busy night for Dean, so they always had lunch together before he went to work.  Jess walked into the room, and when she saw Cas, she walked straight over and hugged him tightly.  He was a bit taken aback, but managed to hug her back awkwardly.

“Um, hi?” he chuckled.  She let him go, fixing him with her new ‘mom’ face.

“You scared me half to death last night!” she said, poking him in the shoulder.  He blushed, shrugging, trying to seem like it hadn’t been a big deal.

“Sorry.  I kinda scared myself,” he muttered.

“What happened?” she asked, sitting next to him.  Sam had finished cleaning Henry up, and was giving him his bottle to finish his breakfast, his gaze turned curiously to Cas.

“Seeing him with Ben, it reminded me of what he could have had, if he had stayed with Lisa.  The family I can't give him.”  Sam and Jess glanced at each other, obviously not expecting such an honest or personal answer.  Cas was a bit surprised, too, but it felt  _ good  _ to just say the words out loud.

“Cas, my brother called me, the day he left Lisa.  He was relieved, he hadn't been happy with her in awhile.  I mean, they got along, but it wasn't what he wanted.”  Sam lifted Henry to his shoulder to burp him.  “If you thought he'd leave to go back-” Sam’s voice was gentle, and Cas appreciated his kindness.

“I know, about Lisa,” Cas said quickly.  “And I know he wouldn't leave, that's not what I…”  He took a deep breath.  “He wants kids, I know you see it Sam.  I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that.”  Jess leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder.

“Sam and I hadn't even talked about kids yet when I found out I was pregnant,” she admitted.  “Because of my medical history, I wasn't sure that I ever wanted to try having my own kids.  And yet, here we are.”  As if to punctuate her statement, Henry let out a little gurgle, fussing a bit in Sam’s arms.  “Things can change, Cas.”

“And if I know my brother,” Sam chuckled, “he'd rather have you, kids or not.  He loves you, Cas, more than I've ever seen  _ anyone  _ love another person.”  Sam stood to put Henry down for a nap.  Cas smiled at Sam, leaning his head over to rest on top of Jess’ wavy blonde hair.

“Thanks, guys,” he sighed.  Sam grinned at him one last time before leaving the room.

“You're family, Cas.  Anything you need, we’ll be here,” Jess said softly.

 

Cas did a lot of thinking while he waited for Dean to come home.  He thought about his past life, about what his future would be like with Dean, and everything in between.  As his brain worked, he realized he was finally finished worrying about their relationship, finally coming to terms with who he was.  Lisa’s visit had made him realize that Dean wasn't settling for him, and the feeling of acceptance that gave him burned brightly in his chest, chasing away any lingering doubts in his mind.  Dean was it for him, and it appeared that he was  _ it  _ for Dean.

When Dean came home, he slowly walked up to Cas, dropping on the living room couch next to him.  Cas leaned over to rest against his shoulder and Dean relaxed, pressing a kiss into Cas’ hair.

“So Ben said something interesting this morning,” Dean said quietly.  “He asked if you were my boyfriend, like how I used to be Lisa’s boyfriend.  I told him yes, and he got all quiet for a moment.”  He shifted to wrap his arm around Cas’ shoulders.

“Then what?” Cas asked, sensing there was more.  

“He launched into this story about this guy that Lisa’s been dating, that apparently ‘looks at her the way I look at you’.”  Cas flushed, and Dean squeezed him closer.  “Apparently, Lisa intended this to be a good bye trip all along,” Dean hummed into Cas’ hair.  Cas felt contrasting waves of relief and guilt.

“I admit, last night, I thought she might have wanted you back or something,” Cas mumbled, the blush burning his cheeks.  “I'm sorry I thought so lowly of her.”  Dean pressed a few kisses to Cas’ temple.

“It's okay, Cas.  If I let you the two of you will keep apologizing to each other for the rest of your lives,” Dean chuckled.  Cas heard it in his voice, the door closing on that part of Dean’s past, and closing on that argument forever.  Cas felt a bit lighter, and smiled when Dean lifted his face to give him a brief kiss.  “Besides, we have a lunch date,” Dean reminded him.  Dean stood and led Cas out to the car, only pausing long enough to give Cas a ‘reassuring’ kiss up against the Impala that had them both breathing a bit heavier.  Cas chuckled to himself as he buckled in, shaking his head.

“What?” Dean asked, backing them out of the driveway.

“I can't believe my version of ‘jealous boyfriend’ involves me trying to get you back with your ex,” he sighed rubbing his forehead and laughing at his own expense.

“You're definitely nowhere near the definition of ‘average boyfriend’, Cas.  I wouldn't have it any other way,” Dean hummed with a smile.  Cas made a mental note to freeze a pie and have it shipped to Lisa when he got back to work, since she didn't end up getting any of the one she bought.  Dean went on to explain that Ben had adjusted to missing Dean, and had gotten over it when she started dating her new flame, that it was more her insecurities that made things a big deal.  Cas could understand that.

As they drive Dean keeps grinning and blushing, looking at Cas out of the corner of his eye.  He wouldn't answer Cas when he asked where they were going.

When they pulled up to the bus stop by the university parking lot, Cas figured out why.

Sitting there on the bench where they met was a picnic basket, a blanket draped over the bench to give it a picnic feel.

“Really, Dean?” Cas giggled.

“C’mon, give me a break, I was feeling nostalgic this weekend,” Dean fake pouted.  When they climbed out of the car, Cas watched as Charlie drove by, giving them the ‘live long and prosper’ salute as she sped away.  

“That answers the question of how the basket is still there,” Cas laughed.  Dean blushed again and took Cas’ hand, pulling him over to the bench and sitting him down.  Cas reached for the basket but Dean snatched it first.

“I uh, I had this whole speech planned out, you know.  But now that I'm here…”  Dean finds whatever he's looking for, turning around and putting the basket on the bench behind him.  Cas watched him flush bright red, and his heart rate picked up a few beats.

“Dean?” he asked.  Dean turned back to him, his fist clenched tight.

“I uh, well I've had these for a while, actually, and since you sort of asked…”  He opened his palm to reveal a pair of matching black and silver engagement bands.  The sun glinted off the black tungsten, and the silver lines running artfully through the black shone brightly.  They were beautiful and  _ perfect _ and Cas blinked hard at the moisture in his eyes.

“You bought rings?!” was all Cas managed to gasp out.  Dean chuckled, still flush with embarrassment but a beaming smile on his face as his eyes met Cas’.

“I know, I'm a romantic sap,” he laughed, slipping one on Cas’ finger.  It was slightly too big, they'd have to take it in for adjustment, but that didn't really matter.  They'd just made this  _ official  _ and none of Cas’ nerves were firing with worry or anxiety, and the steady pulse of his heart against his sternum was out of love, not fear.

“So you're going to marry me, Dean Winchester?” Cas asked breathily.  Dean leaned in and kissed him.

“If you’ll have me, Castiel Milton.”  Cas hummed thoughtfully, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck.

“I like the sound of Castiel Winchester better.”  Dean's arms pulled him into a vice like grip, their lunch forgotten on the bench behind him, both of them too overwhelmed with love to feel hungry.

 

Dean and Cas didn't say anything at first, but Jess quickly noticed the matching rings, and from her Sam found out, then Charlie, then Dean called his mom, and therefor everyone in Kansas knew.  Cas decided to call Anna first, and before their call was even over she had Gabriel on Skype with them, Anna full of happy congratulations, and Gabe full of lewd jokes.  Anna insists on coming down for Cas’ birthday, to celebrate the engagement as well, but after a talk with Dean, Cas decided to fly up to see Anna.  He mentions it to Gabe, and his brother invites himself along as well.

He and Gabe also talk about his father, and Gabe promises to talk to him about the trip.  Cas doesn't know if he's worried or excited about the possibility of his father showing up, but he knows he’ll have Dean and his siblings there for support either way.

As his birthday approached, Cas hired a new employee at the bakery to help while he was gone, hoping Josiah worked out so he could keep him on for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Dean refused to fly to North Carolina, insisting that the drive wasn't too bad and they could make it in good time.  Cas doesn't tell Dean as much, but with the memory of their first road trip to Miami fresh in his mind, Cas was going to insist they drive as well.  On September 16th, he and Dean load up the Impala and get on the road.  They sing along to the radio, they talk, and sometimes they just sit in silence, simply enjoying each other’s company.  

After four hours, Cas had insisted that Dean pull over and let him drive for a while.  He'd grown much more comfortable with driving the muscle car over time, and Dean had stopped fretting when Cas was driving Baby a while ago.

Which was probably why Dean was okay running his hand not so innocently up and down Cas’ thigh.

“Dean, stop,” Cas grumbled, trying hard not to smile.

“Aw, come on, Cas.  Where’s your sense of adventure?” Dean teased.

“I’m  _ driving _ ,” Cas pointed out, like it was all the argument he needed to give.  Dean snorted a laugh, his hand traveling down to Cas’ inner thigh, sliding upwards so the edge of his hand just barely grazed Cas’ crotch.

“Guess that means you won’t be able to watch,” Dean turned on his bedroom voice, sending a shudder through Cas’ body.  Dean’s hand cupped him through his jeans, and Cas could  _ feel  _ the smug look on Dean’s face as Cas started to harden.  Cas kept his eyes on the road, trying in vain to focus but all he could think about was there was too much clothing between Dean’s hand and his skin.  Luckily Dean seemed to have the same thought, undoing his belt, button, and zipper with alarming speed.  The moment Dean’s calloused hand closed around Cas he moaned, his back arching off the leather seat.

“Dean, we really shouldn't…” Cas attempted to object, but then Dean’s hand was moving and his voice cut off in a groan.  He freed Cas from his pants, his hand working quickly, and Cas was proud of himself for managing to maintain a steady speed and a straight line on the road.

Until Dean bent over and wrapped his mouth around him.  

He swerved into the middle lane, which was luckily empty, swallowing his heart back down into his chest.  Dean chuckled around him, sending more shudders through Cas as he gave him what was shaping up to be the best blow job he'd ever received.  

“Fuck, Dean,” Cas groaned, arching off the seat, trying to keep from pushing any harder on the accelerator.  Dean’s response was to slide deeper and faster, and Cas cried out as he came, Dean catching his release easily.  He licked at Cas until he was twitching with sensitivity, redressing him as best he could, the zipper and button undone.

“Always wanted to do that,” Dean hummed, pleased with himself.  Cas risked a glimpse at Dean, his lips reddened, a flush in his cheeks, and hard in his own pants, his palm adjusting himself through the denim.  Cas took the next exit for a rest stop, nearly cutting off a driver in the right hand lane, pulling them into the far back corner of the parking lot.  Before Dean could say anything Cas shut off the car and pushed Dean into the far door of the Impala, kissing him with tongue and teeth, just barely able to taste himself.

“You're fucking crazy, you know that?!” Cas gasped, quickly undoing Dean’s pants.  Dean let out a muffled groan.

“Just trying to keep things fun,” he laughed, choking off into a grunt when Cas bent and swallowed him down without warning.  In a very short amount of time, Cas brought Dean to his peak, being just as efficient as Dean was with his clean up.  Without a word, he started the car and got back on the interstate, leaving Dean half undressed and breathless against the door.

 

They made it to North Carolina without any more interruptions, pulling into the quiet neighborhood in the woods where Anna lived.  They climbed out of the car and she ran out the door to greet them, giving Cas a huge hug and Dean a slightly smaller one.  Michael followed behind her at a much more normal pace, shaking hands with both men before they all walked inside.

“Is Gabe here yet?” Cas asked.  Anna shook her head.  

“He's on his way, though, just leaving the airport.”  She led him down a hallway and showed him to a spare bedroom.  It was small, just big enough for a dresser and a double bed, but it wasn’t like Dean and Cas didn't end up sharing the same section of mattress each night anyway.  They dropped off their things, and when Dean had stepped out of the bathroom to give Cas his turn, he noticed Dean’s toothbrush had been used.  He grinned at his reflection smugly, peeing and brushing his own teeth before heading out into the living room.

Anna served some snacks while they waited for Gabriel, and just about an hour later a car was pulling into the driveway.  Cas stood to go with Anna to greet his brother, standing in the front door as Gabe climbed out of the car.

“Hey, bro.  Got a birthday surprise for you,” Gabe called, gesturing back at the car.  Cas watched as the passenger side door opened, and he felt his mouth fall open.

“But, how did-?!”

“Close your mouth, Cas, you're going to catch some flies,” Balthazar sighed, a smile hidden under his boredom.  Cas rushed down to hug his old roommate, his friend who'd helped him through his worst heartbreak.  They'd kept in touch via emails over the past year, Skyping sometimes when they each had a rare moment of peace, but they hadn't had a chance to talk since Lisa’s visit.  “You seem different,” Balt said cautiously, looking him over.  Cas shrugged, smiling warmly.

“I guess you would say I ‘got the stick out of my ass’,” Cas admitted.  Balt leaned in close, whispering conspiratorially.

“And replaced it with something else?” he teased.  Cas laughed, and Balt shook his head.  “You really have changed, my old boring Castiel wouldn't have laughed at that.  Oh, hello.”  Cas followed Balt’s gaze to the door where Dean was standing.  Cas waved Dean over.

“Balt, this is Dean,” Cas introduced them.  Balt shook Dean’s hand.

“Mon capitan,” Balt said with a wink.  Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas but Cas shrugged, the nickname was staying.  “I've always told Castiel he’s way out of your league, but now that I've seen you in person, I retract that statement.”

“Nice to finally meet you,” Dean said with a laugh.  “Cas has told me a lot about you.”  

“Oh, let's start drinking before we get to that conversation, shall we?” Balt winced.  Cas reached out to put his hand on Balt’s shoulder, and Balt snatched it before he could.  “You've been holding out on me!” Balt insisted with a pout, shaking Cas’ ringed hand to articulate his point.  “I thought we were friends, Castiel.”

“Oh, stop being a drama queen,” Cas huffed, taking his hand back and wrapping it around Balthazar’s shoulders, leading him inside.  As Balt and Dean chatted, Cas sought out his brother, finding him in the kitchen trying to load a case of beer into the fridge.

“Hey, Cassie, help me with this will you?” Gabe said, hardly looking up.

“Did you invite Balthazar?” he asked quietly.  Gabe paused and shut the fridge door, smiling up at him.

“How’s that for a birthday present?”  Gabe winked.  Cas wrapped his brother in a hug, taking him a little by surprise.

“Thank you,” Cas sighed.

“You're welcome, little bro.”

 

Cas’ actual birthday arrives, and even though the only addition to their group is Anna’s friend Kali, Anna makes it feel like a huge party.  Everyone is laughing and toasting Cas, toasting his and Dean’s engagement, telling stories and eating.  Partway through the day, just as the sun was getting ready to set, Cas is feeling overly full on junk food and company.  He slips away from the group, putting on his shoes and walking outside.

“Can't escape that easily,” Dean said from behind him, before he'd even walked down the driveway.  Cas snapped his fingers in mock disappointment.

“Darn, caught taking a walk,” Cas huffed.  Dean shook his head, both of them turning around when the door opened again.  “Gabe, I'm just headed out for a walk-” Cas started explaining, but Gabe hurried down the steps, his face serious.

“I just got the call,” he said quickly.  Cas felt his head tilt in confusion.

“What call?” Cas asked.  Gabe nodded behind Cas, where a sleek black car was parked at the end of the sloped driveway.

“Cas, it's him.”

Gravity shifted for a moment as Cas looked down the driveway.  

“Cas-” Dean started, but he didn't really hear him, his feet had started carrying him down towards the car before he'd even processed he was moving.  The car turned off, the driver side door opening, and a man climbed out.  He was a smaller man, unassuming in stature and with a hunch to his shoulders as he leaned against the side of the car.  Cas stopped walking a few feet from him, unable to find his voice.

“Hello, Castiel,” his dad finally said.

“Hello, Charles,” Cas answered formally.  His dad winced.

“Chuck is fine,” he sighed.  Cas nodded.  “I uh, I got you something,” Chuck said awkwardly, reaching into the car and handing Cas a small gift bag.

“Thanks,” Cas said quietly.  Every speech he'd thought of, every accusation and argument he'd prepared, all flew out of his head.  Really, there was ever only one question he was going to ask him, and from the look on Chuck’s face, it was exactly what he was expecting.  “You know what I’m going to ask,” he said evenly.  Chuck shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Why I left?” he asks.  Cas nods.  Chuck took a few deep breaths.  “I'm assuming you’ll want the whole story?” he added nervously.  Cas just waited in silence, and Chuck shifted awkwardly.  “Naomi and I met in college, I was going to school for religion, she was a business management major.  We were in two different circles of friends, two different ways of viewing the world, and we managed to fall in love anyway.”  Chuck scrubbed a hand over his face, scratching absently at his beard.  Cas vaguely wondered where Chuck was going with this, but stayed silent, letting him speak.  “When Gabriel was born, we were so happy.  Anna was born and… postpartum depression hit Naomi pretty hard.  Course, back then, people didn’t really know what that was, so we just, muddled through as best we could.  She took solace in the bible, and… she wasn’t really the same, but she seemed better.  And then you came along.”  Chuck was smiling at the memory, and Cas swallowed hard to keep his emotions in check.  “You were beautiful, Castiel, from the moment you were born, but Naomi, she… It’s hard to watch someone you love, lose their mind.  To be standing right there, and be unable to do anything.  I’m not that strong.”  Cas tried to picture something like that happening to Dean, tried to imagine him leaving Dean because of it.

He couldn’t.  It physically hurt too much.

“But what about us?  Your children?  We needed you,” Cas said quietly.  Chuck hung his head, shame written in the furrow of his brow.

“I couldn’t stay, I just… I’m not going to try and defend myself, but I don’t have a reason either, I’m sorry.”  Chuck wouldn’t look Cas in the eyes, focusing on something out in the woods or the floor instead.

“I’m assuming you heard about what she did to me?” Cas asked, hand moving to his stomach.  Chuck watched the movement of his hand.

“Yeah, I heard.”  Chuck ran a hand through his hair, silver starting to show in the dark brown.  

“So why didn’t you come back?” Cas asked.  Chuck huffed a heavy breath.

“Castiel, I don’t have any answers for you.  I could say I was a coward, that it hurt too much to see you, that I was ashamed of what I’d let happen, that I was simply a bad father.”  He finally looked up and met Cas’ eyes.  “I didn’t reach out to apologize, and I don’t think that’s why you wanted to meet either.”  Cas blinked at his observation, briefly wondering if that was where he got it from.

“You’re right, I didn’t meet you for an apology,” Cas agreed.  “I think I just needed to see you, see that you’re just a man.”  Chuck’s brow furrowed in confusion, and Cas took a deep breath to explain himself.  “My whole life you were this unattainable presence.  Gabe would tell me the bad stories, Anna would tell me the good, but you weren’t  _ real. _  I was angry with the idea that you’d leave, angry with the idea that you’d abandon your children, but now,” Cas paused, meeting Chuck’s eyes.  “Now, I see you’re just a person, and people make mistakes.  Do I forgive you?  I don’t know, and I’m not sure I ever will.  Can I accept what happened?  Yes, I think I can.”  Cas looked over his shoulder, Dean and Gabe were standing by the front door, well away from their conversation, but Dean looked over when Cas looked back.  Cas waved Dean over, insisting with another wave after Dean shook his head.  Gabe nudged him, and Dean made his way cautiously down the driveway.

“What’s going on, Cas?” Dean asked.  Cas gestured at Chuck.

“Dean meet Chuck Milton, my father,” Cas said calmly.  Chuck put his hand out, and Dean shook it.  “Chuck, this is my fiance, Dean.”  Dean flushed a bit, but Chuck simply nodded.

“Uh, nice to meet you, Dean,” Chuck said cautiously.  Dean nodded, and Cas spoke up before the silence got too weird.

“I didn't let myself dwell on what had happened with you, for my own sanity, but Dean made me face it, the good and the bad.  I’m happy with my life now, because of him.”  Chuck nodded, turning to his car.

“I'm happy for you, Castiel.  For all of you,” he added, looking up the driveway where Gabe was standing.

“Dad?” Anna’s voice came from behind Cas, and he turned to see both his siblings had walked down the driveway to join them. 

“Hey, Annie,” Chuck sighed.  Cas didn't miss the tears in his sister’s eyes at the nickname.  She'd never let himself or Gabe call her that, ever, and now Cas knew why.

“You could stay, if you wanted,” she gasped out.  Cas met Gabe’s eyes, and Gabe nodded.

“At least for dinner,” Cas added quietly.  Chuck looked at each of them before sighing heavily.

“Not tonight.  You guys have tonight,” he said quietly.  

“But-” Anna started, and stopped when Cas’ dad raised his hand.

“Save me some leftovers, for tomorrow?” he asked.  Cas smiled, leaning on Dean’s shoulder.

“Absolutely, sir,” Gabe said, a rough emotion there that Cas hadn't heard in ages.

 

After Cas’ party, Balthazar took Anna’s second spare bedroom, having drank too much to drive.  To everyone’s amusement, Gabriel left with Kali, a smug grin on his face and a smirk on hers.  Dean was still chuckling about it when he and Cas made their way into their room for the night.

“It’s about time they at least settle their sexual tension,” Cas pointed out.  Dean ruffled Cas’ hair.

“There’s way more to it than that and you know it, smartass,” Dean laughed, kissing Cas fondly.  Cas shrugged, playing it cool as he crawled into bed.  As he turned to plug in his phone, he spotted the gift his dad had given him, sitting on top of his duffle bag.  He bent over the side of the bed, barely grabbing the blue bag without falling out.  Dean crawled into bed next to Cas, looking at the bag curiously.  “Go on, open it!” Dean insisted.  Cas rolled his eyes but had to admit he was very curious as well.  He pulled the tissue paper out of the top of the bag, pulling out the book inside it.  

“ _ Supernatural: Lazarus Rising,”  _ he read the title out loud.  Dean nearly bounced Cas out of bed when he scrambled to get closer.

“Holy shit!  For real!?  This one isn’t scheduled to come out for another four months!” Dean said excitedly.  Cas just stared back, deadpan, and Dean flushed.  “Not that I read them, they’re just these silly sci-fi books that Sam’s into, you know.  He loves Carver Edlund.”  Cas raised an eyebrow and Dean flushed a deeper red.  

“Just Sam reads them?” he asked.  Dean huffed.

“Whatever, they’re good books okay?” he pouted.  Cas laughed a little and shook his head, looking over the cover.

“Has the author written anything else?  I haven’t heard of him.”  

“Not that I know of,” Dean sighed.  “Plus, no one really knows what he looks like, most people believe Carver Edlund is a pen name.”  Cas flipped to the back of the book, reading the description.

“The main character is in Hell, and his brother is attempting to mount a rescue by teaming up with a demon turncoat.  Meanwhile an angel named-”  He freezes, staring at the name in disbelief.  Dean frowns leaning over to read it where it sits in his hand.

“Cassiel?  Really?!  Did they misspell your name or something?” Dean laughed.  He pulled out his phone, tapping away at what Cas assumed was Google.  “Hey, turns out there’s another angel named Cassiel, that fell in love with humanity.  Much cooler than the Angel of Thursday,” Dean continued with a chuckle.  Cas flipped the book back to the cover,  opening it to the first page.  

“Hey, there’s something written here,” Cas pointed out, and he tilted the book so Dean could read it as well.

 

_ Castiel, _

_ I apologize for the likeness, but the story of Cassiel has always fascinated and inspired me, even before you were born.  Guess that’s why I named you something so similar. _

_ I’ve always escaped to my stories, and I never thought they’d give me much of anything.  Lately though, they’ve been making me think.  The story is about family, about choosing family over everything else.  I see now that’s the whole point I’ve been missing. _

_ I don’t know if I’ll ever pluck up the courage to give this to you in person.  Gabriel and I started talking recently, and I’ve come to realize that you were the one I wronged the most. You were the one I robbed of both your parents.  Gabe is starting to understand, and Anna is forgiving by nature, but you… I’m most scared to face you. _

_ So take this story, this small offering of apology, and know that whatever happens, there has never been a day where I haven’t thought of you. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Dad _

_ (Yes, Carver Edlund is my pen name.  Only you and my publisher know.) _

 

They sit in total silence, Cas lets the book fall closed in his lap, staring at the image of a man climbing out of the ground, a figure with glowing eyes and wings standing over him.  

“Holy shit, your dad is Carver Edlund?  Sam is going to crap his pants,” Dean gasped out, breaking the emotional tension.  Cas feels a smile pull at his lips, setting the book back on top of his things next to the bed.  He knew Dean was good that way, good at making him feel better even when Cas didn't know he needed it.

“Try not to geek out tomorrow?” Cas teased, laying back on the pillow.  Dean cuddled up to him, kissing him a few times on his chest.

“No promises, Cas.”  Cas turns off the lamp by the bed, plunging them into darkness.  Dean shifts a little closer, Cas’ arms wrapping around him and sighing in comfort.  He may not understand why his father left.  He may not be happy with it.  He would never get that time back.  But...

“I think… I think I’m starting to forgive him,” Cas whispered into the dark room, finishing his thought.  

“I’m proud of you, Cas,” Dean hummed.  Cas’ thumb traced the line of the engagement ring on his finger, unable to keep the grin off his face.

“Hey, Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”  Dean seemed to sense the difference this time, that even though they’d said those three words over and over, that Cas saying them now meant just a little bit more.  He sat up, and Cas was just barely able to make out Dean’s face.  His fingers found their way to his cheek, tracing the line of his jaw, his brow, coming to rest at the nape of his neck.

“Castiel,  _ my  _ angel.  I have loved you, and will always love you.  Come whatever,” Dean breathed, the words uncharacteristically heartfelt.

“Come whatever,” he agreed, his heart finding its home in Dean’s.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ENDINGS ARE HARD, I hope you all enjoyed this one XD
> 
> PLEASE comment, even if you hated it lol :3


	23. Coda: Look At Us Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap guys, this is it. This is really it. The last I'm going to post on this story. *sobs*
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this, it means the world to me! I feel like this story above all the others I've written has not only pushed me as a writer, but personally as well. This version of Dean and Cas moved me in ways I never expected, and I hope you guys enjoyed them as much as I did. <3
> 
> I'LL BE BACK! Once Gishwhes is over, I've got some things in the works, including a fic based on Panic's new album, so stay tuned, and I'll see you guys real soon!! *hugs* I LOVE YOU ALL

**_5 Years Later_ **

_ (Dean) _

 

“First day of school, first day of school!” Henry was chanting, bouncing excitedly in his car seat.  Dean turned to watch him over his shoulder, catching Jess’ eye from where she sat next to him in the backseat, a hand resting on her large belly.  The look in her eye warned Dean about encouraging her over excited five year old.

“Aren’t you supposed to be excited about this, too?” Dean chuckled.  She fixed him with a glare and he turned towards the front of the car again, wincing at Sam.  “Feisty.”

“Dude, don’t sass the pregnant mother,” Sam sighed matter of factly from the driver’s seat.  Jess was seven months along with Sam’s second child, another little boy to Dean’s delight and Sam’s dismay.  Henry had been a handful once he'd hit potty training age, and now Sam was faced with the fact he'd have to do it all again.  Though Dean knew Sam’s complaining was all bluster; he was the best dad Dean had ever seen, and he loved the crap out of his kid.  

“I like that monkey suit, Sam, it looks good,” Dean teased him for his dress clothes, and Sam rolled his eyes, not even bothering with a retort.  Sam was halfway through law school, and even though he’d been accepted to every top school in the country, Sam had chosen Florida State University.  He’d become close with a couple of his UCF classmates who had been accepted there, and the three of them were in talks about opening up their own partnership when they were able.  

“Well with Memorial Day coming up, what kind of spangly outfit will you be dressing in this time?” Jess teased from the backseat.  Dean blushed.

“I wouldn't go so far as to say spangly…” Dean started to say.

“I like Uncle Dean’s party clothes!” Henry called from behind him.

“Darn tootin,” Dean laughed, reaching back to fist bump Sam’s son.  Dean was a full partner now in Benny’s business, though he still sang on special nights.  He and Benny had even opened up a second bar, and Dean may or may not have abused his position as a manager to make sure he got the time off to come up to Tallahassee and see Henry off on his first day of school.  It was weird to feel so responsible and respectable, but he was getting used to it.

They pulled up to the drop off area, the adults climbing out of the car, Dean stepping around to Henry’s door to help him out of his seat.  

“You going home now Uncle Dean?” Henry asked as Dean helped him onto the sidewalk.  Dean nodded, kneeling down to Henry’s eye level, though at the rate he was growing he was going to be as tall as his father.

“Yeah, buddy, I’ve gotta go do boring grown up stuff, not all of us get to have fun in kindergarten.”  Henry leapt into Dean’s arms, hugging him as tight as his tiny arms would allow.

“Tell Uncle Cas I’ll send him a picture, ‘cause he wasn’t here to get his,” Henry said sternly, much like Jess did when she turned on ‘mother mode’.  Dean nodded, smiling at the reminder of the little hand drawn artwork he'd been presented with when he'd arrived.

“Absolutely.”  He ruffled Henry’s hair fondly.  “Love you big guy,” he said warmly.  Dean nodded at Sam as Jess put Henry’s bookbag on his shoulders and hung back by the car as they turned to walk him to his classroom.  He caught a quick candid photo of them walking away, all holding hands, looking like something straight out of a Hallmark movie.  He climbed back in the car to wait, grinning as he texted the picture to Cas and Charlie.

_ You: Even I have to admit, that’s pretty adorable. _

He barely waited ten seconds before his phone buzzed with replies.

_ Charlie: OMG *heart eyes*  _

_ Cas: Your mother better receive this photo as well.  And yes, they are adorable. _

Dean looked at the picture in his camera roll, Sam’s easy smile as he looked down at his son, Jess’ baby bump still visible since she’s half turned towards the camera, and little Henry, a flop of golden brown hair and pure excitement in his face.  Dean’s heart ached with how happy he was for them.

He refused to acknowledge the small voice in the back of his mind, the one that always intruded on him every time he made the four hour drive to visit Sam.  He was not going to let his happy moment be tainted.

Dean emailed the picture to his entire family in Kansas, and added on Jess and Sam for good measure, sending it out and sliding his phone back in his pocket.  Eventually, Sam and Jess returned, and Dean didn’t have the heart to tease Sam about the moisture in his eyes.  He gave them a few minutes on the drive back to their house to collect themselves before he spoke.

“Sammy, I’m proud of you.  You’ve done good.”  He shifted in his seat to turn back and look at Jess.  “I’m proud of both of you.”  Jess smiled warmly at him.

“Thanks, Dean,” she said, looking at the back of Sam’s head, Charlie’s heart eyes image popping into Dean’s mind.

“Okay, chick flick over?  You're starting to creep me out, Dean,” Sam laughed.

“Shut up, bitch.”

“Jerk.”

“Oh my  _ god _ ,” Jess groaned from the backseat.

 

Once they were back at Sam’s house, Dean made his way to the guest room to grab his things, and he paused when he passed by Henry’s room, nudging open the door to look around.  Sam and Jess had gone with a sky theme for his room, clouds and the sun painted on one wall, stars and planets on the other.  There were pictures all around the room of Henry and his family at different stages of his life, and Dean was drawn to a new one that Jess had hung on the wall since his last visit.  It was Henry’s first birthday, and the picture was of Cas holding him, Henry and Cas were grinning at each other, and Dean was photobombing with a hell of a derp face in the background.  

The voice was back, and it was insistent this time.  The voice that came with the smallest sad twinge every time he watched his brother interact with his son.  The voice that came with the tiny burn of jealousy when Sam talked about finding a school for Henry.

The voice that reminded him he wanted kids of his own.

He desperately tucked it away where he couldn’t hear it, making his way out to the front of the house.  Jess hugged him tightly, maybe sensing his state of mind.

“Give us a call when you get home,” she said gently.  Dean nodded, receiving a rib crushing hug from his brother.

“If Sam doesn’t kill me first,” he grunted, and Sam laughed.

“Alright, get going, your husband is waiting for you,” Sam reminded him.  Dean felt the flutter in his chest at hearing Cas referred to as his husband, even after all these years it happened every time.  Dean tucked the strap of his duffle higher on his shoulder and walked out to Baby, tossing his bag in the back and starting up the engine.  He revved it a few times, knowing how much it annoyed Sam when Dean was rude to his neighbors, and then Dean pulled out of the driveway, turning Baby for Orlando and home.

When Sam and Jess had moved, they’d sold Dean the house, and he and Cas made the place their own.  They’d bought some new furniture to replace what Sam was taking, and they’d switched to the main master bedroom, getting rid of Cas’ old bed and upgrading to a king size now that they had the space for it.  They left their old bedroom and the other spare room relatively untouched, and they’d replaced the loveseat in the office with a sleeper sofa for when they had company.  Which, more often than not, was Charlie deciding they were having an impromptu slumber party.

Now that he was alone in the car, Dean let the little voice out of it’s corner, hoping that if he let it have free reign for a bit it would be easier to quiet it down once he got back home.

He was happy with the life he and Cas had built, happy with their home, and every day when he wakes up with Cas he feels like he's falling in love all over again.  He wouldn't give up what they have for anything in the world, he just… wants to  _ add  _ to it.  He wants to feel the same joy he sees on Sam’s face when he looks at Henry, he wants to know what it is to have a family of his own.  

By the time he's pulling into their driveway, he's tucked that little voice away again.  It helps that when he walks in the door Cas is there, smiling at him like Dean is his entire world.  Dean kicks off his shoes and walks up to Cas, wrapping arms around his waist and kissing a line up his neck.

“Missed you,” Cas hummed softly.  Dean nipped gently at the tendon in his throat.

“I was only gone for a couple days,” Dean teased, leaning back to smile at Cas.  Cas raised an eyebrow.

“You didn't miss me?” he asked, mock indignation in his voice.

“Not even a little,” Dean teased back.

“So you didn't have trouble sleeping, like I know you do when I'm not there?” Cas asked, a told you so smirk on his face as Dean huffed an annoyed sigh, accepting defeat.  He leaned in to press some more kisses onto Cas’ cheek and neck, smiling as Cas shivered.

“Missed you too, angel,” he mumbled against Cas’ skin.  Cas took Dean’s chin, lifting his head so he could steal a quick kiss on the lips before pulling out of Dean’s arms, moving back to the dishes he had been washing.  “So what have you been up to?” Dean asked, watching as Cas worked, the muscles shifting in his shoulders.  Dean would  _ neve _ r get tired of that sight, or what Cas could  _ do  _ with those muscles.

“Anna called, the twins are doing well.”  Cas laughed a little as he continues with the dishes.  “Apparently it wasn't chicken pox, Malakai had just gotten into some ants at daycare, and decided to share them with his sister,” Cas chuckled.  Dean laughed.

“You'd think two medical doctors would recognize the difference,” he pointed out.  Cas shrugged.

“Apparently Anna panicked, from the way Michael was teasing her from the other room.”  Michael and Anna’s twins, Malakai and Eve, we're entering the terrible twos now, Dean expected Anna was a bit more tired than she was letting on.

“How about Gabe’s epic proposal, any news on that?” Dean asked with a smirk, walking closer to his husband.  Unable to keep his hands to himself, he reached out to start massaging Cas’ shoulders.  Cas leaned into his touch, and shook his head in answer to his question.

“I honestly think he's waiting for the planets to align or something.  The best part is Kali already knows, so it's really unnecessary.”  Cas grinned as Dean pulled him close by his hips, kissing him warmly on the cheek.

“I don't think I've ever seen a couple more grossly in love than the two of them.  Well, Gabe anyway.”  Cas raised an eyebrow at Dean.

“Apparently you don't look in the mirror enough,” he teased.  Dean wiggled an eyebrow at him, rolling his hips suggestively.

“I'm down for some mirror play, Cas, watching you bend me over…” Cas groaned, pretending to push Dean off in annoyance, though Dean caught the pink tinge to his cheeks.

“Go unpack and relax for a minute, I'll make us something to eat,” Cas insisted.  Dean grabbed his ass playfully, jumping out of Cas’ reach before he could retaliate with a soapy hand, both of them laughing.  He walked through the house towards their bedroom, soaking in the familiarity and the comfort of being  _ home _ .  His collection of road trip trinkets that he’d been keeping since he was a boy had grown almost exponentially, they had their own glass cabinet now in the living room, and Cas kept teasing they were going to have to buy a second one.  Every random figure, snowglobe, rock, and toy in that cabinet marked a moment in Dean’s life.  The oldest was a toy soldier his mom had bought him on their first family vacation to the Grand Canyon.  A smattering of ones from later trips, some with his parents, some with just him and Sam, and on the top shelf, all the ones he’d been on with Cas.  He smiled at them as he passed by, remembering the four hour long conversation he and Cas had, Dean explaining what each trinket meant, and Cas demanding a story to go with each one.  That was the thing with Cas, no matter how mundane or silly, he never got tired of learning things about Dean, and for that, Dean was immeasurably grateful.  

Their wedding pictures were hanging in the hallway, and he grinned when he saw them.  He trailed his fingers over his favorite one, Cas with his siblings and Chuck, standing next to Dean, Sam, and Mary.  It wasn’t the stiff formal shot, it was the one after, where Sam had thrown his arms around Dean and Mary, and Gabe had leapt into Cas and Anna’s arms, Chuck laughing as he reached out to help.  

_ It's been almost 4 years already _ .  Dean tossed his duffel on the floor next to the laundry hamper, and when he turned back towards the door, he noticed an envelope on his pillow.

“Cas, what’s this?” Dean called out, walking over to pick it up.  He heard the water shut off and Cas’ approaching footsteps as he examined the envelope.  There wasn't an address on it, just his name in Cas’ handwriting.  “You get me a card just to say you missed me?” Dean called with a laugh.  It wasn't sealed, so he reached inside to pull out the contents.

Dean promptly forgot to breathe, right about when his heart stopped beating.

“I didn't know which one you’d like best, so I looked into both of them,” Cas said quietly from the doorway.  The papers in the envelope fell from Dean’s shaking fingers to the bed, and he forced his lungs to take in a breath.  His heart started beating about four times faster than normal.

“Cas-”

“This one usually takes the longest, as far as the approval process,” Cas explained, picking up one of the papers, a slightly nervous shake in his voice.  

“Cas-”

“But this option I think would work for us, in fact, I took the liberty of talking to Charlie, and she agreed,” Cas continued, picking up the other paper.  Dean reached out, pulling Cas’ hand written pro and con worksheets on adoptions and surrogates out of his hands, setting them on the bed with the other flyers and information.

“Cas, you want...you really want this?!”  Dean’s hands were shaking, so Cas reached out to hold them, looking nervous but determined.  Dean was afraid to say the exact words, afraid that it would break the spell, or make Cas realize what he was saying.  The voice from earlier was  _ screaming _ at him now, pleading and begging for this to be true.  Cas smiled at him, pulling Dean’s trembling fingers up to his lips and kissing them softly.

“Um, hence the worksheets.  I didn't fall behind on paperwork for nothing,” Cas laughed, trying to ease Dean’s tension.

Dean was overwhelmed, his mind reeling as his emotions went crazy.  He felt his knees hit the carpet, clinging to Cas as he fell, and Cas knelt down with him.  He was gasping for air, but laughing on his exhales, and he felt tears in his eyes.  Cas was the embodiment of calm, running his hand over Dean’s cheek, his other hand gripping his shoulder tightly. 

Cas wanted a family.  

_ Cas wanted a family. _

“Dean, you okay?  Need me to start some CPR?” Cas asked, a smile in his voice, like he was trying not to laugh at Dean.  Dean nodded, forcing his lungs to take in a few deep breaths.

“Yeah, but are you sure, I mean-” he started.  Cas groaned, pushing Dean over on his back and straddling his lap, his arms crossed over his chest as he looked down at him.

“Dean Winchester if you suggest that I'm only doing this for you, so help me,” Cas said sternly, and Dean laughed, though it came out as half a sob.

“Alright, alright, you're serious, I got it!”  Dean raised his hands defensively, and Cas’ face broke out in a victory smirk, leaning in and kissing Dean possessively.  Dean’s excitement didn't really ease off, but as Cas kissed him, he gained more control over his breathing and his shaking.  The kiss broke because they were both smiling too much to keep going.

“At the risk of sounding like a chick flick,” Cas said calmly, no trace of doubt in his eyes, but a heated warmth that went straight through Dean,  “I want to start a family with you.”

“This whole night has been a chick flick, Cas,” Dean pointed out.  Cas shrugged.

“Good thing you love chick flicks,” Cas said, an air of superiority in his voice.

“Hell yeah I do!” Dean said proudly.

Cas wanted kids, and from the look of the packet he’d shown Dean, he'd put a whole lot of thought into their options.  Dean was just starting to finally process that information, while Cas leaned to kiss along his collarbones, when something else Cas had said finally registered.

“Wait, you asked Charlie if she'd be our surrogate?!” he blurted, Cas raising his head to look at Dean, slightly annoyed at being interrupted.

“It was mostly hypothetical,” he said with a shrug, “but yeah, she said she’d be open to the idea.  Said something about us not being able to get rid of her so easily,” Cas hummed with a smile, pulling his shirt off with a flourish.  Dean reached up, tracing the tattoo Cas had on his pectoral.  He'd written ‘I love you’ on his chest with a permanent marker as a joke, and Cas had gotten it inked over permanently. Dean leaned forward and kissed the tattoo, rolling his hips that were still captured under Cas’.

“The two of you keeping secrets,” Dean admonished with a laugh.  “Again,” he added, nipping gently at the tattoo.  Cas pulled Dean’s head back gently by his hair and kissed him a few more times, rolling his own hips in time with Dean’s.  “So we’re doing this?” Dean asked.  Cas grunted in annoyance, dropping his head to rest on Dean’s chest.

“Having sex, or starting a family?  Because right now you're being your own cock block.”  Dean laughed, rolling the two of them so he was on top between Cas’ legs.

“You know what I mean,” Dean said, a bit too tender.  Cas’ face softened, even as he bucked up into Dean, his fingers tugging at the hem of Dean’s shirt.

“Yeah, we are.”

 

After they had a couple rounds of some well deserved ‘welcome home’ sex, which left them both with matching bite marks on their shoulders, Dean and Cas stayed up well past 3am just talking.  They talked about baby names, the odds of their baby having red hair, and whose eyes they would have.  Dean had started to daydream about what college their kids would go to when Cas eventually drifted off to sleep.  Dean stayed awake just a bit longer, his eyes tracing the face of the man from the bus stop, the man who, against all odds, had come to  _ love _ Dean, as much as he loved Cas.  The road had been bumpy, and it wasn't going to be smooth the rest of the way, but they were on that road together, and that's what mattered.


	24. New Fics

 

Hello everyone!  I'm only updating this to announce that I've made progress on my new fics, and I'll be posting the first chapters over the next week!!

-First one is called "To Be Human": a canon based, alternate ending to season 8.  I'm writing that one mostly for myself, it'll be Destiel, and Sam/OC (sorry everyone).  Mostly bunker fluff TBH, with a tiny bit of angst.

-Second one is my long awaited Panic! at the Disco fic "Death of a Bachelor": each chapter uses a song from that album to help tell the story.  Dean is a PA that moves from Kansas to LA to work for author Castiel Novak.  Angsty, dark, probably my harshest fic yet, But it's me, so you know it's not going to be TOO terrible.  Destiel, Sabriel.

I am slowly working on 3 more prompts as well, but these two are the most flushed out so far.  I hope you guys check them out, and enjoy them!!  I look forward to sharing them with you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

**Author's Note:**

> Lay the comments and Kudos on me!! XD I love you guys!!


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